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Karin's New Thread
January 13, 2000
10:33 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Hi friends...

I decided that I needed a new thread but didn't know what to name it...so... šŸ˜‰

I am still here. Taking each day one at a time. I have had some ups and downs...I am trying to renew my relationship with my creator...I make that journey harder than it should be...

My husband is still waiting for his sentence to be given...by the end of Feb. he will know where he is headed and for how long (he is facing eight years prison time). For now I have chosen to remain married to him. Of course the main reason being that I am still in love with him and the other is that by remaining married...I am not free to get involved in another relationship...there are deep issues here...one day at a time. :0

My job is uncertain...we were recently bought out by a very big company and my position as a corporate level employee faces elimination or relocation...

I have been going through some very unusual tests of life the last month and a half...from trees falling down around me to broken water pipes and more...I am beginning to think that country living isn't all it is cracked up to be.

Through it all...God has been faithful...I really feel like I am in limbo or some kind of fog...not sure what path to take. So I sit back and like a spectator...I watch my life...

In fact I am quite boring as a person goes of late even though my life is anything but boring. I guess I am growing...I know I do not need my husband or any other man to survive...what is worrying me is that I feel so dead inside. And I just don't know how to go about changing that.

I guess I just needed to vent a bit...I am sure I have made no sense at all...and again...it is as though all my emotions and feelings have shut down. No more tears...no more laughter. I feel like I could just disappear and no one would notice. Of course my children would...not talking death here...just that I feel so wooden.

Okay...enough for today.

Later................

January 14, 2000
8:01 am
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hazza
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HI karin,
You do make sense, your wooden feeling is your body's way of giving you time off from any strong emotions, to give you time to heal and recouperate. (in my opnion and experience, i am not a doctor!)

You have come a long way, and learnt to make it on your own, maybe your mind is saying to you that emotional attachments (other than your children) are the last thing you need right now, so by feeling none of the extremes of any emotion, you are protected from that roller coaster ride at least for a while.

I am sure that when you are ready to feel strong emotions again you will. Remember feeling extremely happy and excited is just a taxing to the body physically as negative stress. Look at all the celebraties who party every night then end up in a clinic through nervous exhaustion.

Your body is just protecting you from adrenaline rushes of any kind, this has happened to me too so i know where you are at. I can feel totally wiped out from any situation that is exciting. We just need to rest, recover and take care of ourselves.
Make sure you have a good healthy diet and eat properly too!

Take care, and im glad you are coping so well, you are an insperation.
Hazza

January 14, 2000
8:41 am
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KTHOMAS
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Thank you Hazza. What you say does make sense to me. Funny that you say I am coping well...I guess I am...Thanks again.

It is okay to be in the place I am right now. I guess this too is just another part of the growing process. I will not worry so much about it...just ride it out.

January 14, 2000
11:47 am
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lost soul
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Hi Karin, Its good to hear from you. I am having a stressful week too. WORK, family and my daughter's studying stress.
Everyday is stress, stress, stress.Luckily I still have my excersise that keeps me going.
Life is never easy for we people right.Everyday we are facing new challenge and new stress. Why are there so many challenge and stress? sickening.

January 14, 2000
10:23 pm
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Hey lost soul....yes everyday is stress, stress and more stress...

I have often wondered as to why some people seem to have such easy lives while others are so full of road blocks and "stressful" challenges. I have always had to work so hard for everything...and have started over more times than I care to count. But I hear that is what makes us strong and able to adjust to any situation we come upon...where as those not dealing with junk all their lives fall apart and crumble when the going gets tough...isn't there a song out there....

"when the going gets tough the tough get going"....

I am looking forward to better days...I just know they must be coming....

January 14, 2000
11:19 pm
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kitten
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Karin,

Every cloud has a silver lining... trust and believe. Because you are loved!

January 15, 2000
12:44 pm
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grace
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Karin,

Glad to hear that you're doing well. I also feel the same, better, but still in limbo, recovering but not healed all the way, wondering how to live in my life like contemplating if it's worth trying to fit into the old jeans from high school. I guess transitions and adjusting are hard and take time, but are necessary for growth. I know there will be better days ahead for you. I know because you are making it so.

grace

January 16, 2000
11:30 am
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Thank you all for your encouraging words...

January 16, 2000
5:40 pm
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infaith
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Karin:
This message is for you and anyone else who wishes to change their life from one of lack to abundance.
Your present trouble is that you lack everything. You lack money. You lack a loving partner. You lack a good relationship with your children. You lack happiness. You lack clarity. You lack courage. Why do you lack all these requirements? Simply because you are thinking lack. I fyou think lack you create the conditions that produce a state of lack. By this constant mentla emphasis upon what you lack you have frustrated the creative forces that can give impetus to the development of abundance, balance and jo9y in your life. You have been working hard from the stand point of doing many thing, but you have failed to do the one all-important thing that will lend power to all your other efforts: you have not employed positive thinking. Instead, you thought in terms of lack.
To correct that situation- reverse the mental process and begin to think propserity, achievement, success. This will require practice but it can done quickly if you will demonstrate fiath, which you say you have Karin. The process is to visualize: that is to see your life turning around, visualise successful achievement of becoming happy regardless of what happens with your husband and visualise yourself feeling your numbed feelings and not falling apart but dealing with them and processing them so that you can no longer live in the painful past . God bless you

January 16, 2000
11:51 pm
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kitten
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Karin,

Maybe that is a tactic we've never tried before? What do you think?

January 17, 2000
6:34 am
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Hi all,
I think infaith is right. Postitive thinking can acheive alot. This is why Magic works, I spent ages once wanting to get a particular thing, i put so much energy into imagining this think into my life that despite the odds it happensed, but it takes time and absolute belief that this thing will come to you.
I had forgotten about the power af thought infaith thank you for reminding me.

I too try to dwell on the positive as much as possible, it does help.

Karin, i wil say again, i am proud and inspired by you, you have had so much to cope with and you still have the ongoing situation with your husband and not knowing what the outcome will be, but you are doing so well. You still care enough to help us out with wise words, you care for your family and make sure that your children can cope with the situation and understand so that the affects of your stresses are as little as possible. This is so worthy of you, so many people have problems and don't seem aware of the effects it had on their kids, you are, you are looking after yourself but you are putting the emotional needs of your childrens wellbeing on that list of priorities too, that my dear is PROPER PARENTING, something which many of us didn't get, i just want to remind you how rare it is for someone to do that and to say well done, don't underestimate how well you are doing. You are not only healing yourself but you are protecting the innocent souls of your kids as best you can so that they see the realities of life without being scarred by it more that is necessary or normal. Keep up the good work, you will soon know where you stand one way or the other, whatever happens I don't think you will ever go back to the dark places you have seen before, you wiol cope and thrive no matter what, i am sure of it.

Peace to all
Hazza

January 18, 2000
8:52 am
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KTHOMAS
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Wow...

I am going to have to come back later and print all of this out.

I have been inspired beyond my dreams. Thank you infaith for your insightful words and positive reminders...yes...that is exactly what is needed in my life.

And Hazza...you are beautiful. Your words encourage me and make me believe in myself again.

This is a wonderful site isn't it Kitten...I think there is much wisdom and love to recieve her...

Thank you all...

Love, Karin

January 18, 2000
9:56 am
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Well done Karin keep up the good work and take care of yourself.

January 18, 2000
6:09 pm
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infaith
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Faith is the creative force that whispers in the wind of our spirit, where unseen things reside and the future has no restrictions.

Faith is the gate that opens our minds and hearts, removing boundaries and limitations.

Faith is a spiritual exercise; the more you open the gate, the easier it is to utilize.

Faith has as it's adversary Doubt-but it is Faith, not

Doubt, that moves mountains.

Faith never requires "deals," for Faith creates miracles. Miracles do not create Faith.

Faith is a name we use to define that which is beyond the perimeters of our vocabularies.

Faith lights up the eye of the human, which has the capability to spark the heart of the world. Faith is a song of hope; it is a step into the world beyond, and back again.

Faith is exercised by Nature in her every movement. Faith enables us to honestly hope, and to achieve the goal.

Faith is one of the most vital Invisibles - for when nothing else makes sense in our minds, Faith is the one comfort left to our hearts.

January 18, 2000
10:11 pm
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I have been praying for God to renew my faith. Thank you for these words. They are so true and so strong.

I heard from my brother today. He emailed me. So strange. We haven't had any communication for over five years. I found myself pouring out my heart to him...because he a male figure? I don't know...he is younger by four years. He has been through so much...from drugs to being his own boss...he too has started his life over...again trying to follow the right path into the light and out of the darkness.

First my baby sister contacts me...now him...(there are five of us kids...no parents). I wonder if this should be taken as a sign that I am to open myself up to them again. I am afraid to...I was hurt so deeply by them...yet I am sure I too have done my share of hurting them. My youngest sister confessed to me that she had to go into therapy because of my withdrawl from her life...yikes huh. I told her now I was going to have to go into it myself just to deal with the guilt of that one. šŸ™‚

They were so judgemental of me...and I used to pretend to be what I am not and never ever could pretend to be again. I am me...weak and frail. Not strong enough to carry them and be the head of this headless family. Our family has been so torn apart...by my actions...my parents death...so much. One sister is so out there...she has lost all concept of truth...yet she has been just as hurt as the rest of us...she and I will never mend...for reasons I am most ashamed.

And yet...I feel emotions I haven't felt in so long...how I miss them at times...but know I can never go back.

I do believe in tomorrow...I know that by faith I will be made whole again...and that by faith I will rise up and take hold of that brass ring that has eluded me all of my life...

Yes...without faith...I would be dead. Both in the physical and spiritual being. Faith is the belief in what is yet to be seen...

Thank you Brittainy...for your encouragment...

Tonight I rejoice in the fact that there are people out there listening and understanding where I am and where I must go...into the light...

Bless you all...Karin

January 18, 2000
11:52 pm
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infaith
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Bless you Karin. Please continue to believe in yourself and that happiness is yours for the taking. You had a lot of responsibility and continued to carry that into your adult life, but now it is time to forgive yourself if you feel guilty for letting down your sister, because you really can not love her fully or anyone else untill you take care of yourself. You are feeling and the feelings are overwhelming at times, but all the focusing on your mate and all the drama and chaos prevented you from fully feeling and accepting your own emotions thus keeping them suppressed and you numb. The only way for you to feel alive was within the chaos of your husbands world and not the truth of your own. God walks with you by calm waters, just focus on strong healthy loving thoughts everyday and soon THAT will be the pattern not the pattern of sadness, grief, betrayal and anger. Let it go to god, surrender it all to god to be replaced with unconditional love for yourself and others. You will find all answers within and all strength can be yours if you trust in your highest self and in the fact that you are in the exact place that you need to be in your life in the exact time for personal transcendence. God bless you Karin.

January 19, 2000
10:03 am
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Karin,

Maybe it is the snow coming, but I feel a strange sense that the tide has shifted...things are about to change. Even tho' I feel lonely and un-partnered, I have this very full heart. I see that in you, too! In all the relationship books I've read it suggests that healthy attracts healthy and unhealthy the like. Perhaps this is true of love? If you open that full heart of yours to the world it will be returned tenfold. I see a change in you, myself. You are blossoming...let it happen.

Love,k

January 19, 2000
9:27 pm
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Thank you Kitten...yes...there is a change in the air...

I know that by being on my own...I more focused on my personal growth and emotions that have been buried deep within...if Tim were to be home...I would be setting my sights on his needs and making sure I was being the "good wife". This is a time for us to allow our own personal needs to be met...and not depending on a man to meet those needs is most liberating.

The future is uncertain and there is still a mountain to climb...but we shall reach the top...and when we do...the air will be so crisp and clean and the sun will shine upon us and we shall be renewed...

I am okay. And it feels good to just say those words and know that they are true.

Whether I stumble or fly like an eagle...I am still setting my course towards the light...free from the chains that held me in bondage...

I am who I am...ever changing and growing...isn't that the way it is supposed to be?

Love to all...Karin

January 19, 2000
10:57 pm
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kitten
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Amen, sister!

January 19, 2000
11:15 pm
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gst
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Hi KThomas,

I really admire your strength, you seem to be rising out of yourself and that is really positive.

January 20, 2000
1:32 am
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Thank you gst...

It is a constant battle...where I am weak God shall be my strength...

Some days are better then others...but for today...I have reached a peak and am looking out over the valley and am enjoying the fresh air...and it smells so good. I can almost feel it blowing on my face...and through my hair...;)

Love, karin

January 20, 2000
1:51 am
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gst
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Hi again Karin,

The image you paint is very poetic. Such good energy should't be wasted. Good luck.

January 20, 2000
3:28 pm
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infaith
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Karin, please keep affirming your feelings and replacing your doubts and negatives with positives and write. You are a sensitive soul and have much to offer, use your creativity and write, journal and get out into that nature, face of god, and let it fill your soul Every day practice......creates strong faith and changes you totally. It took years of negatives, suffering and pain to get where you were, it will take effort, work and practice to surrender all that past to god and ask god to renew you and your life.God bless you

January 20, 2000
5:39 pm
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kitten
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Karin,

Growing involves a great deal... whether it is mentally or physically!
Like a child learns to walk slowly, small steps, until they finally are confident enough to walk on their own, we too must carefully move into this new light. If we rush we might miss something because we are tripping over that "leggo" in front of us. You are doing so well. Some minor negatives are okay...without the bitter we wouldn't fully appreciate the sweet. I see you ahead.
An aura of love surrounds you, reflecting on all you touch. Look in the mirror and you will see...Have faith my sister, your blessings are abundant.

Love, kitten

ps...and it's been my experience the air at the top of the mountain is a little thin, so be careful and don't topple over the edge. Stay away from the railing....tee hee hee

January 20, 2000
10:42 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Kitten,

No wonder I have a headache today!

I have had a few minor set backs today...but...I refuse to let it get to me...I can not control every aspect of my life or that of those within my life...therefore I must let it go and just trust that all will work out in the end. It usually does.

Later...Karin

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