Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
just thinking out loud
July 11, 2009
5:16 pm
Avatar
thumkin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

After last night I ended up here, which I havent been in a long time. I have been single for a while now. And really have been ok with that. I still miss SA but on a day to day basis I am ok now.

In my world of co-dependent relationships I have seen some pretty messed up shit. But there have been two that I loved. Truly Madly Deeply. Wrong or not. I felt. And it was wonderful. Both of them ended with me hurting so bad inside I just wanted to go to sleep and not have to wake back up. I dont mean dead. I just mean I wanted to go to sleep and just sleep forever. I have known I will never see SA again. And I thought that I would never see the other one again. Until yesterday.

And he came over last night. And being with him, my gawd it was so sweet, if a little sad. And it was like before. I knew I could so go back there. His kisses were exactly the same only hauntingly familiar.

We were sitting in my kitchen with the lights dimmed. There were only shadows. He should have left hours before but we were both stalling. And I swear while I was sitting there talking to him, staring into his face in the shadows, it was his voice I was hearing, but I was seeing SA. I had to make him leave quickly after that because I started crying. A part of me wanted to stay in that position forever just to see SA's face again.

I never realized how much the two of them were alike. Its scary. Its not just their looks. Its everything. Their build, the kisses. I mean EVERYTHING about them was so close. I never made that connection until last night. And I know my therapist said to over analyze is to paralyze but there has to be something Im missing.

And there cannot be another man of that make and model. And that makes me sad. Because yes eventually I want to be with someone again and I want to feel that love and excitement and wonderfulness that I felt with those two men.

UGH!!!! I am so sad now and frustrated and confused and I just want to go to sleep again.

July 12, 2009
7:30 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hang in there Thumkin. You will get there. I'm not sure about the over analyzing thing. Could be that thinking things through is essential to learning lessons.

I do think that you can't have the intensity of the good times without the risk of the bad times being as intense. To love so deeply is truly intoxicating. And also totally unproductive, unless you count the inevitable heartbreak and sorrow. Have any great romances ended any other way? long term relationships that last and are the foundation for other parts of a happy life are a lot less exciting. that's me thinking aloud.

bonni

July 12, 2009
8:09 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thumkin, I am so sorry. I have been alone for a while now myself. I was invited out Friday night but cancelled. You can read about it if you like.

I have also wondered about ever meeting anyone again, or if I am doomed to be alone like Ma Strong.

I have loved deeply as well. And been hurt like hell.

I think if you need time to think through the insight you had last night that you should take the time. Maybe set a time limit on it. I will think about this all day Sunday and see if I can figure it out if I can't then I will be Scarlett O'Hara and think about it another day. That is what I did to get over the relationship I was in. I told myself I wouldn't think about him today, I would think about him tomorrow.

This morning I woke up about 4 or 4:30 and the Time Machine was on TV. First of all we used to wake up like that, make love, and go back to sleep. Also, the Time Machine and the music from it was one of his favorites. For a minute I got nostalgic, then I remembered, he is with someone else now and you are alone. Instead of being back asleep I am here.

Take the time for you. Maybe pamper and indulge yourself today. I am taking Cat (daughter) shopping today. I also plan to buy myself some good shoes to start walking, and maybe one day I will start running and be able to have clear insight from a run like Bonni. Maybe, maybe, maybe. All any of us can do is take the next step and the next.

Can you post some more to let us know what you have thought since you posted this?

Bitsy

July 13, 2009
4:26 pm
Avatar
thumkin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well all I have done the whole weekend was think. Really as far as the two of them being so alike I cant think of any rhyme or reason for it. Its just an eerie coincidence I guess. But it is really eerie.

I have spent so much time crying this weekend and thinking of SA. I had gotten to where I dont cry when I think of him anymore but I did this weekend. Its driving me crazy. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think about him. He has been dead for over two and half years now. When will I stop thinking about him so much?

And as for Matt. Well like I said after seeing him this weekend, I felt all those old feelings again. Its like I never stopped loving him and I guess I never will. But we seem to be star crossed lovers, never meant to meet at the right time. As long as I dont see him or talk to him I think I'll be ok. This weekend can just be a bittersweet memory.

But I am scared to death. What if? What if he calls or comes around. I dont think I have the will power to tell him to go. And I am scared of him because when we were together I was at a very unhealthy time in my life. I think. So wouldnt that mean he could be bad for my health?

After SA died it was like I had this rebirth. All of a sudden I had found this new respect for myself and I could not participate in my normal co-dependent actions and beliefs. I have been alone, but happy. Even when Im lonely Im still happy. The depression seems to have lifted. And I have dated. But it seems like now Im hypersensative to what I will accept or tolerate. Maybe I am not any healthier. Maybe I have just gone completely overboard in the other direction.

I dont know anymore. But I do know I am scared and tired of being alone.

July 14, 2009
4:27 pm
Avatar
thumkin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh great. I broke down today and called him. I wasnt going to. I kept fighting it off and it was consuming my thoughts. So I argued with myself that I would just ask him if he had an email address and that would be it. Any time I had the urge to talk to him after that I would send him an email just asking him how he was doing. Of course when I got a hold of him I didnt ask for his email. And when I hung up I deleted the number. I know I can look it up in the phone book anytime but I really hope I dont. I have got to find something to occupy my dang time. I cant even concentrate on my work now.

Why didnt I just tell my friend to tell him hello and let it go with that. Why did I have to ask to see him?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
35
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111090
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38630
Posts: 714446
Newest Members:
lion heart, thomson, BenjaminGresham, answerhope, kenseeley, soofibeauty
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information