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Just really need a friend???
June 8, 2007
5:42 pm
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matthew65
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Ok, Back! Needed some privacy and time here to write this.

I have a new outlook on how I am going to deal with my stepson. My counselor actually pointed this out. She said I am climbing my way up but also teetering between depression and nondepression. She said it will not take much to slide back into depression. Therefore, I will not let a 11-year old take away all of the hard work I have done to get myself better. I went from severely depressed to the state I am in today (borderline between depression and nondepression) in 6 months. It was a lot of hard work and time to do this. I went through 2 doctors, hospitalization; and I am seing a new psychiatrist, going to therapy, and taking 2 kinds of antidepressants. I NEVER want to go through this again. NEVER!!!!!

I will set boundaries, be more assertive, and say, "NO." I will not let my husband dump my son's needs on me, I doing what his son needs, and then receiving nothing but misery in the end. I will not allow my stepson for one second treat me with disrespect. If he does, I will point it out to my stepson, take away privileges, and share with my husband his behavior. I will no longer keep things inside in FEAR of upsetting my husband. (He would get upset at ME if my stepson misbehaved and I told him about it!!!).

Please, please remind me of this post when it gets tough here (I am being realistic). Tell me to stand up, be assertive, and meet my needs. Remind me of the hard work I did to get better and how close I am to slipping down to the "dark" side.

Thank you MJ, Mama and BJ for your posts and support ~Love, Wendy

June 9, 2007
12:13 pm
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bhhunt
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Wendy,
You are definitely doing the right thing. Do not allow anyone to take away all the work yo have put in to your recovery.
I love my grandson dearly, and all my children, but they have to learn to live without me. I cannot save the world.
I was an EMT, and it was the perfect job for me at the time. I was able to be a healer, helper, giver to people, and then walk away fromm them, once we got to the doctors. My family, on the other hand do not, as freinds, too. I was always the one to get in to deep with everyone. I am the type of person thatt attatcks people wherever I go, I think I radiate an aura, of she will fix it, or die trying. LITERALLY.
Hang in there.

Brenda

June 9, 2007
12:18 pm
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mj
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Hi Everyone,

I am so glad that we can all be there for Wendy to support her.

I think you have an excellent plan prepared. Continue taking care of yourselves! Love, MJ

June 9, 2007
9:08 pm
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matthew65
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Instead of feeling sorry for myself for what I did, I will do something for myself and not be sorry I did. This makes sense to me... Does it to anyone else? It's something I just thought of...

I thought of this after I put myself first (very rarely) in a situation today. And, it sure feels great! Wendy

June 9, 2007
9:29 pm
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mj
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Hooray for YOU! Do something for YOURSELF! Sounds empowering! I am glad it felt great for you Wendy!

June 10, 2007
1:01 pm
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matthew65
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Today is another day... Ok, I am already aprehensive enough about my stepson coming and then I first find out today that my husband told his ex-wife (the mother of my stepson) about my depression and being hospitalized. I had to overhear them talking about this or I probably would have never known because he supposedly told her back in Easter. When I asked him why he told her-I was furious btw-he didn't think it was a problem for her to know and wanted her to know because he was going to address the situation with his son. He hasn't told his son this yet anyway. Why am I so upset? All I did was cry. I feel so betrayed! I truly believe that my step-son knowing my illness and situation and told to behave around me will just totally spark his desires further to upset me. My husband said his son would understand because he has been depressed before. I know this isn't a pissing contest, but he is only 11, was never on all of the meds I am on, and hospitalized. Therefore, how could he ever understand and for that matter, want to???

Just had to vent. I even took a break from all of this to read and take a nap, but still feeling outraged. Wendy

June 13, 2007
8:37 am
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matthew65
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Well, my stepson arrived yesterday. So far, not so good. I am trying really hard here but it's so hard when he doesn't even listen to me. I tell him one thing he does the opposite and then says he is sorry like that's his favorite thing to say just so I feel bad for him. Not working here. I can't handle any more responsibilities here because of my depression and this isn't going to help!!! Wendy

June 13, 2007
12:43 pm
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mj
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Hi Wendy,

My family is visiting so I have been busy. Just sending you some love and hoping that you will find solutions for dealing with your step son and continue taking care of yourself.

((((Wendy))))))

June 13, 2007
2:00 pm
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bhhunt
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My grandson is 11 yo too. I attemtped suicide on May 2nd, and of cours was hospitalized, and diagnosed as BP, and also Co-DP. My daughter told my grandosn what was happening as it affected him directly. He usually comes and stays with me during the summer, as his mother has been living with me for 3 years. She is moving out, had too, or I would still be in hospital. Even, if she had moved out on her own, I would be babysitting my grandson when she works. 11 yo are very smart these days, and he needed to know ths whole story. Your Ex should of let you in own it, maybe that would have made it easier on you. He knows now, so just let it go.

June 13, 2007
2:00 pm
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bhhunt
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My grandson is 11 yo too. I attemtped suicide on May 2nd, and of cours was hospitalized, and diagnosed as BP, and also Co-DP. My daughter told my grandosn what was happening as it affected him directly. He usually comes and stays with me during the summer, as his mother has been living with me for 3 years. She is moving out, had too, or I would still be in hospital. Even, if she had moved out on her own, I would be babysitting my grandson when she works. 11 yo are very smart these days, and he needed to know ths whole story. Your husband should of let you in own it, maybe that would have made it easier on you. He knows now, so just let it go.

June 14, 2007
7:43 am
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matthew65
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Mj-How you have a wonderful time with your family. Take care of yourself, too!

Bh-I wasn't upset about my stepson knowing about my depression, etc., I was upset that he told his ex-wife without my knowledge!!!

June 18, 2007
12:19 am
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mj
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Hi Wendy,

I hope that your husband is supporting you and your decisions. I can understand why you would feel upset with him for not discussing it with you prior. That is personal information even if it does affect the family. If hubby was more sensitive to your needs, then maybe he would have not put all the added stress on you by having his son come at this time. Is things going any better? Did you get the job? How are you?

I am sorry to hear about your suicide attempt bhhunt. Are you feeling more hopeful now? Take Care of yourselves!

June 23, 2007
8:29 am
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matthew65
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I didn't get the job, MJ. Actually, I turned it down because of the pay. It wasn't worth the gas money, etc. I have an interview for an office job on Monday for only 20 hours a week and it pays more. We'll see what happens. I am kind of nervous about going back to work because of my still existing depression and the change plus added responsibility this will involve.

I am hanging in there. Thank you for asking how I am doing. How have you been? I have become a crazed fanantic about exercising. It has become my outlet to get the H-- out of here. My stepson is driving me crazy and I seldom get a break. Believe me, I am counting down the days! 36 more days...

When I read your post about my husband it really made me think about it. How he isn't listening nor caring about my needs. He is living in a fantasy world that I am OK and his son is here so everything has to be OK, right? Wrong!!! He doesn't listen to me when I say it's tough, I don't get a break, etc. Just like last summer. Did I think it would be anything different? He told me it would and I believed him. Stupid me...

My Grandma was placed in a nursing home yesterday. This has been really tough on me and the family. So I also have this to contend with. Does my husband realize his son is just adding to the stress factor? Wait until I get a job!!!

I hope you have a great weekend! Today is my oldest's Birthday. She is 17. Wow, where did time go?

The best to you, MJ ~Wendy

June 25, 2007
8:19 pm
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mj
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(((((Wendy)))))

Sorry to hear that things are still tough. I hope that your interview went well whether you take the job or not.

Only you know truly what you need and I support you in your decisions.

Sending you Love!

June 28, 2007
2:38 pm
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matthew65
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((((((MJ))))))) Thank you for the great support!!! I hope you are doing well.

Things are getting better here. It helped to see my Grandma this past Saturday and yesterday even though she will not remember seeing me then. It's hard to see her there, but at the same time it's great to spend time with her and talk with her. Does this make sense? I think I may have mentioned that she has Alzheimers.

I also talked with my husband about my feelings. How he says he considers them but always go with what his son wants. I told him this hurts me. I didn't tell him that I feel 2nd place here at home because he would just deny it anyway. However, that's how I feel and probably will always feel. In regard to his son, I try to go my own way as much as possible. He can be very annoying and get on my nerves so distance is the answer.
Plus why should I get so close to a kid that treats me terribly anyway???

The interview went well. I have a tour of the place on Monday. I believe I have the job!!!

Hope to hear from you soon! Take care! Love, Wendy

June 28, 2007
2:52 pm
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mj
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So great to hear all your news!

I know I had to practice alot with hubby. Feel vulnerable sometimes isn't comfortable to me. I have built walls of protection and if I feel not safe, I erect the walls immediately without thinking how this is old behavior and not necessary to protect me now. It does take lots of practice. On my birthday, I told my husband that I would not keep being abused when he chose to overdrink. I told him that I loved myself far more than that to remain in a bad situation. It was my birthday, and my home was filled with family. But I felt safe to tell him that I was tired of it and was planning to move to my mothers after the kids left. I felt that was the right decision for me that morning. The night before I just put distance between us until he sobered up. My family saw his behavior and realize that he can be not really kind. They dealt with it by changing the subject to more positive and that made him avoid them. Luckily he slept it of. I have been tolerating his alcoholism for 6 years. He doesn't do it often but too often for me. I took a stand and since then which isn't long 2 weeks, he has behaved but for how long???? I just keep taking care of myself on a daily basis and hope that he will find an answer to his problem. I will leave permanently if he continues but its not a threat, its a promise. His drinking is his choice and my leaving is mine.

Your feelings are important Wendy! Practice expressing your feelings with safe people until you can tell your husband how you really feel. You are entitled to be who you are and feel what you feel. Same goes with his son. You can treat him with the respect he deserves and tell him you won't tolerate anything less. He will get the message you are not pliable and compliant. You are worthy of respect.

Good luck with the tour and congratulations on the possible job!!!! Love, MJ

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