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Just really need a friend???
April 12, 2007
1:32 pm
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matthew65
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April 12, 2007
1:46 pm
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readyforachange
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hello???

April 12, 2007
2:58 pm
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mj
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Hi Wendy! I'll be a friend. What's going on? Talk to us.

April 14, 2007
5:57 am
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MJ: Thank you for saying you would be a friend. I can be a good friend, too. The problem is that I don't have any; and I don't know why. Maybe because I can't trust people right now. I don't know. I feel so alone. I am sure it doesn't help that I am dealing with severe depression and anxiety since Dec of 2006 and now have a bad case of bronchitis. I am on so many meds that's it hard to sometimes know what's causing what. All I know is that I still cry a lot (and cough a lot, too).

I was inpatient last week due to a mix of meds that my GP prescribed for me. The people here thought when I came home from the hospital, I would be back to my 100% old self again, but I sure didn't take any miracle drug. My girls don't want to be around me because they don't like seeing me sad and upset (anxiety). Sometimes I feel my husband isn't all that much here for me either lately. Sure he picked up the responsibilities with the help of my mom when I was in the hospital. But, for now, I feel alone.

Have you ever felt like driving somewhere in your car far, far away? I do, but wouldn't hurt myself. Maybe it's to deal with my hurt and anger and to get some attention from my family. I am sick of giving and giving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in therapy and take three different meds for my depression and anxiety. My mom, eldest daughter and I met with my counselor last week and my eldest thought it was all about her. She wouldn't even hug me at the end of the session. All my counselor and I wanted to achieve was that I needed a little bit more sensitivity from my daughter and for her to listen to me the first time around (not the second, third, etc.) My eldest is 16. She is the one who lied to me four times one evening, sped home, hit two parked cars, and totaled my car. Thank the Lord, she nor the others were not seriously injured. Think this would be a wake-up call to her about accepting responsibility; however, she blames me for the accident because she said she was speeding home so I wouldn't get mad and is letting her friend pay for her fines because he was in the car screwing around with the radio. Will she ever get it? I grounded her for one month from social things due to her lying and six months from driving. The first thing she says after we got a replacement vehicle is that she really wants to drive the car; and when she was visiting my mother she persuaded her friend to take her shopping. My mother said it was ok despite of my saying, "No, she is grounded." Ugggggggggggggh , How can I set boundaries, rules, etc., when no one respects them???

Anyway, the session didn't go well at all. Therefore, I went to a depression support group that evening. I was in tears the entire time. What got me angry was that the facilitator questioned and challenged my depression in front of the others. She didn't think I was depressed at all because I clean my house everyday. I said I have a complusive disorder (coping skills from living with an alcoholic father). She still wasn't convinced when I told her I got depression because my hair was so nice and perfect and that I dress so nicely. Once again I explained that these were things I do to feel good about myself (I did this since I was in the 7th grade?). Why in the Hell did I have to justify my life and depression & anxiety to her? I left even sadder so went shopping. I know--NOT GOOD!!!!

Once again, thank you for saying you would be a friend. I hope to hear from you and your story (if you wish to share) soon! Love, Wendy

April 14, 2007
7:27 am
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I would love to have someone to talk to. I think you were brave to get the help you need. I can't even seem to take that first step. I also have a 16 year old daughter. Just remember at that age its all about them. When It comes to my daughter I want her to have that self important attitude. I know that that might sound strange but I never had that and I never stood up for my self or had the confidence to get anywhere now I'm in my 40's and a mess. Just keep reminding her to be safe and that you love her. I don't know if that will even help. I probably am just babbling because I'm so happy to talk to someone who might understand me. I still haven't figured out how to get back in touch with a person once we talked. Is that not possible? Anyway, I let someones words about me put me so far under that I don't know if I'll find the surface this time. One good thing happening in this world is that its spring. I keep grabing for anything that might float me for a while. i'll watch for your thread and hopefully we can talk some more.

April 14, 2007
12:09 pm
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mj
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(((((Wendy))))) & (((((OW)))))))

Yes, I have felt like jumping in my car and driving far away.... but I am learning that wherever I go, I still have me.

Depression, anxiety, and feeling unloved is not pleasant. Yesterday I had an extremely exhausting emotional day. I took a nap for 4 hours. Today is my Depressed Anonymous meeting. I need to get ready to go to it because I know it helps me focus on the positive thoughts I can have.

I am so glad that we can all have friends! It helps to know that others are going through similiar situations and that we are not alone.

Wendy, You were so kind to Jewel. I can see you have a good heart. Open Window (OW), I am glad you are talking and sharing! It helps to know that others understand what we are feeling too.

My most recent thread is what my world needs to get an idea of what I struggle with and how I try to find my answers. Love to YOU Both

April 14, 2007
9:28 pm
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I started to read your letter and went WOW I am not alone after all. I have no friends. I stay home with a two year old all day and have a boyfriend.....well thats a story in it's self. I am isolated from the world and dont know what to do or who to talk to. I would love to be a friend and chat

write me

April 15, 2007
8:34 pm
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(((Mrjerryknot))) I am not in a good mood at all & don't know why; however, wanted to know I can be a friend and someone to chat with. I hope you are doing fine today. How was the weather where you are at? I took a 20 min. walk today--it was so so.

Still have that feeling today like I want to take the car and drive away (far away) or go to sleep and never have to face another day. Sorry I'm such a bummer. Maybe it's the meds I am on? Hugs ~Wendy

April 17, 2007
12:27 pm
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mj
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Thanks for taking the time and reading my thread Wendy. I am so glad that you and your husband are going to therapy together for your depression. Depression does affect our families and friends. I am so amazed at what I am learning at my new support group/Depressed anonymous. I wish you success with your therapy!

I attend codependents anonymous to learn how to have healthy relationships. I am learning that I can say No to friendships that aren't in my best interests. I hope that you too can find support at Naranon. I attended Al-Anon for over 4 years and was a group rep. I learned that some groups are healthier than others and its okay to find a group that is right for you.

I will share a little about me. I will be 50 this June. I raised 2 daughters. I was a mother at age 17. I have been married 4 times. My first marriage to my daughters' father was for 4 years. I didn't remarry for 13 years. I was married to my second husband for 8 years. My third for 4 months. Presently I have been in my marriage for almost 6 years. I have learned that relationships are not the answer to my low self esteem. I have learned that I have to love myself enough not to accept unacceptable behavior. That I can sadden myself to avoid reality. I can choose to do things that make me feel better. I like attracting positive energy. I love to Read. I love my family. I have two wonderful son-in-laws and 5 grandchildren, ranging from 3-12 years old. They all live in different states. I live at the Coast in Oregon. My mom and sis live in Idaho, one daughter in WY and the other in UT. I get to see my family only once a year and that makes me sad. I think about moving closer to my family when my husband and I are fighting. I love my husband very much and I want our relationship to heal and for us to learn how to communicate respectfully. I have a few friends. My best friend I met online here at this site. We have never met in person but we share everything and love unconditionally. I have a bachelor's degree in Art/Photography. I love being creative. I love flowers and nature. I love the ocean. I have a belief in a power greater than myself and have made a decision to turn my will and life over to his care.

I hope that helps you get to know me better as your new friend. It helps not to feel alone and have someone to share lifes joys, problems, and challenges with. Hope you have a Special Day. Love to YOU

April 18, 2007
9:56 am
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mj
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How are you feeling today Wendy?

April 19, 2007
7:30 am
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(((mj))) Thank you for your above posts; and sorry I haven't replied yet. I have been having some bad vs ok days. It really touches me though that someone (you) would write to me & want to be my friend.

Thank you for sharing your background. Here's a little bit of mine ! I am 42 and have been married for 4 years to the man I described earlier. I love him with all my heart but can't live with the med situation most of the time (his taking of pills). I had two girls from two separate fathers when I wasn't married. The man I am married to now is the first. I went to counseling, read books, etc., and vowed I would never ever end up with someone who abused me, drugs, or alcohol. I guess I was just too in a hurry for a father for my children and didn't see his abuse of meds. My two girls are 16 and 13. Yes, I raised them by myself until 4 years ago. I also have a step-son who is 11 and spends the summers with us. He is something else. Always trying to hurt me, get Daddy on his side, etc. So no matter how much I give to my step-son, it backfires and daddy gets all of the credit (I get the short end of the stick) and this really hurts. My depression started when he was here last summer. He even openly admitted that he didn't like me, is angry at me, and blames ME for his mom and daddy to be apart. I met my husband 3 years after their divorce! Believe me, I know he's young and this is typical for a young child to want his mommy and daddy back together, but I can't continue to be blamed for making my husband happy and when it wasn't my fault they divorced.

Prior to my marriage, I made a decent living as an Accounting asst. So that income along with Child support we three could live comfortably and had really great times. It's much harder now to have those great times. Do you know what I mean? My husband and 16 year-old don't get along. And, when my step-son comes, my youngest girl and I get pushed to side by my husband because he puts his son 1st. This hurts us both. This summer he is coming for 8 weeks. My God, I just came home from the hospital and haven't been doing well. MY husband thinks all will be well by June. I wish I had that hope!

Enough for now about myself. I think it's awesome about your degree! I love flowers. However, don't want to go outside and do what I used to love to do and that was spend time in the outdoors, do yard work, and plant flowers. I have so much anger and pain that everytime I look outside in my backyard, I cry and get very mad. I used to think that was my safe haven; but, not anymore.

Well, I need to take the girls to school. I wish you a wonderful and happy day. You are a sweetheart!

God Bless & Hugs to you, Wendy

April 19, 2007
12:15 pm
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mj
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((((Wendy))))

In order for me to find hope, I have to get out of my thoughts and do something I enjoy just for me. Then the hope follows because I start to feel better. Our anger hurts us. Our resentments hurt us.

I am leaving in a few minutes to go on our first annual camp out, clam dig. I will be gone until Monday. I wanted to let you know.

There is hope in life. We do have choices. We get to stand up for ourselves. I believe that Life is and can be enjoyable again if we look at the things we are grateful for and try to comfort ourselves in doing things that feel good. I believe in YOU. Have you tried researching a depressed anonymous group in your area? It is helping me realize that I sadden myself by the thoughts I choose to think.

Love to YOU and God Bless you!

April 20, 2007
9:24 am
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I feel like im reading my life over. Hi guys, some know me. my story
Im going to be 57 on may 6, woopee, have been married two times, first one, 20 years and two boys. chris and john. Chris is the problem and is 31 andlives with me, been into jail and drugs and over and over i bail him out. i have the same car situation with the totaled car. I live on disability. My other son hasnt talked to me since year 2000 and live in ny, im in fla. hate it. ny apts too much for me. I want to run away every day. My secondmarriage, he was an ex con, met him while on work release, Ha ha, cop and ex con, we lasted 10 years, when we were alone without his and my chris, we were ok, he showered me with everything and was upset cause im not materialistic. When kids around, chris all the time, fight, beat up, you name it. He is now incarcerated for the last 6 years anad i left him, the chicken way, never showed up at visitation a nymore but told him on phone, after 5yrs in prison. I knew a guy who was meek and humble but unfort, i knew him thru my ex sis in law. I let him stay to "help keep chris in line". CHris beat him up, thats mikey, half my size and total opposites. I thought i was in love with him but now i dont know but he puts up with a lot of shit. But i just want to leave the both of them. tired of crying everyday. So tired of explaining. I am tired of being needed and because of codep, i do, do do and you cant tell me they dont know know know. I need someone strong, but the last strong one, is in prison and no, more of that. So goodluck loves.

April 23, 2007
12:20 am
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mj
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Hi Wendy and Smarterone,

I just got back from my camping trip. I had a blast and made some new friends too. How are you doing?

Thanks for sharing your story Smarterone. ((((SO)))))

April 23, 2007
6:35 am
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(((MJ))) I am so glad to read you had a blast on your camping trip! Welcome back, too! I missed you! Days around here have been H___ because of my meds (again). Long story, but I'll be ok. Thank you for asking.

((Smarterone))) I can totally relate about being so codependent! I just keep giving and giving and giving so everyone can keep stomping on me. I find my walks help for the moment but when i return of course, nothing changes. Just like nothing changed here when I got out of the hospital. I know it's me who has to change but I can't leave my husband. I am now way too dependent on him. Just think, 4 years ago I was living with my 2 girls who I raised both from birth. I had independence, confidence, and now I have severe depression and anxiety. I just need to get that strength, independence and confidence back. I hope it's before his son comes here in June. I am crying at just the thought of him coming here. My husband lets him sleep with him. My stepson is 11. I don't get access to my own bedroom. My stepson treats me like s____, shows me no respect, lies, tries to get daddy on his side, and no matter how much I give to him, I never get the credit, love or respect. I feel like just going away for the summer. But, then who would babysit for him??? Sorry had to vent. I am just very upset about this already because I am in NO mental state of mind to take on anything else and my husband thinks everything will just be fine. Reality check? lol

Hugs and love to you both, Later - Wendy

April 23, 2007
6:56 am
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MJ! I'm back (lol) I just thought that if you didn't mind you could please share with us about your great camping trip! I would love to hear about it. The friends you met, why you had a blast, etc. Thank you, wendy

April 23, 2007
1:14 pm
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(((Wendy))))

If you can, pick up the book "The Secret". It is making me feel sooo much better. I have read it 2 times and I will continue re-reading it until I have practiced reprograming my thinking!

Every year we go clamming with a group that has been clamming together for over 30 years. I joined my hubby 7 years ago. This year the friends that we have always hung with couldn't go for the first time in 30 years. She has been having surgeries and now chemo to rid herself of cancerous tumors they discovered a month ago. What made this trip different was my attitude. I looked at it as an opportunity to enjoy life. I wanted to do a fundraiser to help this couple with their finances because of this medical problem. It was so illuminating to start with a thought of how can we do this to buying a huge card and making a jar for donations. It snowballed from there and it made me realize that people are basically giving and loving. I watched this and it made me appreciate life. We had a few incidences that were sad, our mayor died, and a lady got hurt and broke her femur. What makes sense of all these challenges is that no one was alone and had others there to support them.

My hubby came home and I need to go for a while. Love to you

April 24, 2007
1:57 am
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mj
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Wendy, I hope that you can ask for what you need with your husband. If having your stepson around is stressful at this time, speak up for yourself hon. It's your life and you have choices. You get to decide to surround yourself with loving people in your own home. I know its scarey to do this but if you find the courage to take care of yourself, you will feel sooo much better. Empower yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. ((((Wendy))))

April 24, 2007
6:09 am
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((((MJ))))) those words are so true. I am too weak to be assertive because I am afraid to upset him. He rarely gets to see his son because he lives 8 hours away. When he goes there and spends a few days it puts us back financially about $500. We just can't afford for him to do this on a monthly basis anymore so because he doesn't see his son very much anymore, I feel I would upset him if I said, "No." Does this make sense? I would feel too guilty. Typical Mrs. Codependent (lol). Therefore, I need to find things for me to do until then to get out of the house and make time for me. The truth of the matter is that my depression started last summer because of all the drama here and I am afraid I will end up either leaving him or ending up in the hospital.

Believe, MJ, I pray everyday to have a "Clean Heart" but it hurts so much to see my husband put his son before me. I am expected to put my girls before him and I do! This also makes me feel like crap. I love my girls more than anything in the world. Is this the way I am suppose to feel?

Anyway, I searched at my library for the book you recommended & could not find it. I will keep asking around though. Where did you find it?

Your clamming trip seemed incredible. To see life in a different life. That's what I try to do on my walks, but it's so damn hard with all of the distrations. I envy you that you had the chance to do this. Actually, I am more happy than anything! However, very sad about the incidents that happened. Did you know the mayor very well? I am sorry to hear about that.

Can I ask you a personal question? Are you on any meds for anxiety or depression? I am only wondering because my meds are all mixed up again. I am not taking the klonopin during the day now (only at bed time) and yesterday, had my first panic attack in 3 weeks. I cried a lot yesterday, too. I can't wait until I see my new doc on Thursday.
Hopefully, he can help me. I don't want to go into the hospital again!!!

I'll write more later. Thank you for being my friend. Love, Wendy

April 24, 2007
2:24 pm
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mj
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Hi Wendy,

My heart goes out to you. I feel sad that you are unable to take care of yourself because of guilt. My husband and I have went many rounds because of my needs versus his needs. Does your husband know that his son treats you disrespectfully? A good book on boundaries that I read was by Cloud/Townsend. We give our power to others when we do things that go against our values and beliefs. You know in your heart that you don't deserve your step-sons mistreatment and you feel torn because you are putting up with it for the benefit of your husband. Truly YOU Matter. If this is sending you over the edge, wouldn't your husband want what is best for you too? ((((Wendy))))

The Book "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne was released in 2006 and I got it at a local book store. I saw it at Costco as well.

I am not presently on any medications. I have been on antidepressants in my past.

Your question about putting children before our husbands...

Our children need love, nurturing, good modeling, discipline, support, parenting, and more love. They rely on us for food, clothing, and shelter. It is our responsibility to do our best for our children.

Our husbands are our partners. They are our equals. They don't rely on us for their survival. We share our lives because we choose.

brb

April 24, 2007
2:35 pm
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mj
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After we do our best raising our children and teaching them and supporting and giving them tools to become self-sufficient, we let them go to become choosers of their own destinys. We have done our best, and that is the best we can do.

We are still with our partner of choice, living our life, making choices, and enjoying life.

Now, this is the ideal.

So your question is should we place our partners before our children. If our partners are abusing our children, then my answer is YES. I feel it is our obligation as parents to protect our children from abuse.

Do I think we should be abused by our children? Absolutely NOT.

This is My opinion. You get to take what you like and leave the rest.

I am beginning to realize that we need to meet our own needs first in life. We need to take care of our physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional needs before we are truly able to share with others including our children. We need to be balanced and healthy so we can model this. Make yourself YOUR Priority Wendy and Hubby and Children will benefit. You do Matter. Love to YOU

April 24, 2007
2:37 pm
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Correction.....If our partners are abusing our children....our Children come first. Sorry that I wrote that wrong. How awful that sounded when I reread it.

I am trying to head out to my Coda meeting, talk to my daughter on the phone about her fathers diagnosis, and write which I am not doing it very well. Take Care Dear and know that YOU will figure out how to take care of YOU. I believe in YOU. I Trust that YOU will find YOUR answers.

April 25, 2007
11:20 am
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((MJ)) You are so beyond me in so much! I admire your strength, confidence in yourself, and the progess (how far you have come). I feel very blessed to have someone like yourself to communicate with!

You are right that it's the guilt... I feel guilty if we don't have the money for him to see his son and I would feel guilty if his son couldn't come here because of my mental state. However, it's the anger and hurt within me that prevails. Angry and hurt because he always puts is son first before anyone because of the guilt he has for not being with him & angry and hurt because my step-son openingly admitted to the both of us that he blames me for his mommy & daddy not being together. I met my husband 3 years after the divorce. Anyway, my husband is aware of his son's behavior and feels things will be better this time around. Granted, he says this and I believe this everytime, too. My husband started to support me when his son mistreated me last summmer. But, it didn't matter because his son kept doing it even when my husband disciplined him. I learned from my counselor yesterday that because I was too passive to my step-son, I didn't have clear boundaries and this gave him room to continue to mistreat me. Therefore, I am learning to become more assertive. Unfortunately, I skipped right into the aggressive stage (lol)! Lucky for him he isn't around here! My counselor said most of her clients go directly to this stage. Something I need to work on.

I also talked to my counselor about the book, "The Secret." She said it is a bit too much for me right now. So, hopefully I will be ready to read it soon! She said I should stick with my Janet Evanovich books (lol). I love those books and I am on book #9.

Yesterday I cried my eyes out because I want the "old Wendy" back. I want to be happy and fun again! I pray for this day to come... I thought about something I could do for myself. That is to walk 3 miles with NAMI. I would love to do this & I am working up to walking that many miles. I need to be around people (which is hard right now) and this just may be what I need!

I hope your CODA meeting went well! I have attended a few support groups myself for depression and anxiety. They are going OK.

Thank you for being you! Hugs and Love, Wendy

April 25, 2007
11:27 am
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Wendy, we are equals! We each learn at our own pace. It is a priviledge to have you as a friend!

I am glad that you are working through this and that your counselor is helping you. I am glad you are enjoying Janet Evanovich books. Is is fiction? I think your goal to walk with NAMI is Cool. Goals help us to take action!

I started a new novel today called the Word. Its an old one that I found in my bookcase and wondered why I hadn't read it yet.

I am glad that you are aware of your actions and reactions. We can change anything that we are willing to address. Love to YOU

April 27, 2007
8:16 pm
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Hi Wendy,

How are you doing? I am here for you if you need me.

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