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Just realized...
December 23, 2008
7:14 pm
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Yazman
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Hi new to the group. I'm almost 43 years old and just realized in the past couple of days that I have been co-dependant all my life. What a shock! I've been seperated since October and being away from my wife and lately I have been able to look at what was once our marriage from the outside-in. Not to put her down, but she has a drinking problem, and that clouds up a lot of things. Being on my own I have come to realize that I have let her control me throughout the marriage. So, I'm here trying to learn what I need to undo to become a healthy person. Any suggestions? Thanks.

December 23, 2008
7:19 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Welcome to the site sweetheart. Just realizing that you have codependency issues and are seeking out help for them is a great start. This is a wonderful site its been kinda slow lately cause of the holiday season but there is a lot of people with this issue that give wonderful advice/

December 23, 2008
7:24 pm
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Yazman
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Randomwomen2 thanks for the welcome. I stumbled on this site and when I saw the signs of being codependant - it was like descibing me who I am.

December 23, 2008
7:26 pm
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Randomwomen2
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it can be scary its like a book written just about you.

December 23, 2008
9:39 pm
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mulligan
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Yazman,

Glad to see you here!

I too was new about a week or two ago. I cannot tell you how much help these wonderful people have been to me. Talk about opening up my eyes too. We're all in the same crappy boat called codependency. The thread I started with my SOS was flip flopping codependent. If you take a moment to read it you'll realize that you're certainly not alone in this long journey of rediscovery.

I have read 2/3rds of the book Codependent No More and I got to the point of laughing, after sheer shock, that I matched up perfectly with their description. Not that this revelation was particulary funny but maybe my laughter was some sort of comic relief-I'm not crazy after all.

How's your head in all of this? Are you seeing a therapist? Breaking this train is hard. Taking a step back was hard for me to do. I had to come to my reality and realize I was the only one responsible for letting myself go down this path. Congratulations to you for separating (an extremely hard decision I might add) and choosing you.

Ms. Mulligan

December 24, 2008
7:14 am
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Yazman
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This morning as I was driving to work I realized that there is a big difference in saying to someone, "I need you in my life." (As us co-dependants say) Or saying, "I want you in my life." I think a healthy person would say that. Seems that the realization of everything is a stepping process, yet to move forward and to make healthy changes will be hard. Keep in mind that many of us have been stuck in this "cognitive rut" for most of our lives, and now to make a change is scary yet I know it has to be done. Otherwise, I will fall into the same pattern again with someone else in the future.

December 24, 2008
10:41 am
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mytime
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Yazman, I too am new this week. I just realized that I have been co-dependant the most part of my life also. After starting to read Copendency No More and seeing the signs I had to face the fact that I had most of the signs. I am just trying to take things day to day and try to stop from just responding to people in my "normal" manner and take time to ask myself what do I really need to do or say to make me happy. My hardest part is to put my feeling in the equation. I typically don't think of myself. But I like being honest with myself. (Just different)

December 24, 2008
10:56 am
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Zebra
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Yazman,

Welcome. This site is a wonderful place. I have been posting and here for about a month now and I tell you I have realized a lot of things and gather wonderful information and advice. This site also keeps me strong and gives me courage to do better in my life and become healthy, so that I can meet healthy people.

I am a recent (8 months) divorced women after 10 years with an addict. Toward the end he became physical as well...not just emotional.

The decision you made was hard and the right one and it will take time to get over the pain, but you my friend are on the right track to recovery and rediscovery of you.

Merry Christmas.

December 24, 2008
11:37 am
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Yazman
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To everyone,
Thank you for your support and words. I ordered the book, "Copendency No More" this morning online, so I should be getting it sometime next week. Tomorrow is xmas so I will keep myself busy as my soon-to-be-ex has decided that I am not allowed to see our kids. I could make an issue out of it, but my kids have been through enough. That was one of the hardest decisions I had to make about leaving the marriage was the guilt of feeling that I was abandoning my kids. However, I know in the long run it's the best decision. It's not fair for kids to see their parents arguing and unhappy.

December 24, 2008
1:05 pm
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mytime
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Yazman -
My son was 9 when my ex and I divorced. Two years later the holidays are still hard on him. He wants to be with both parents, but I put aside my feelings and make sure he gets to see both sides of his family. Just let you kids know that you love them everyday.

December 24, 2008
1:48 pm
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Zebra
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Yazman,

Hang in there with the kids. You may need to get a court order to have your days with your kids designated without her telling you, you can't see them or have them. I beleive it takes two people to procreate, have and raise children.

I felt guilty for so long over mine, DO NOT do that to YOURSELF. Work through the gulit and know that you are a good father and that you love them.

Tell them everyday about it.

For Christmas do something good for you...ALLL DAY.

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