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just put a knife in sunshine's heart
February 25, 2006
3:00 pm
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sunshinetrisha
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I have only been on her less than a week and already I am getting help through threads.
I want to thank: butterflybaby, revelation, bone-t and others threads I have read and answered to a couple times. I need help with my inner self. I will try not to make this too long. My bf and I been together on and off for 4 yrs. He is still married, and she calls everyday. They have a house together that he is remodeling so she lives with his parents whom he is not close to as much as she is. We have been through a lot is 4 yrs. I have kicked him out so many times. He has a good job at disney. but after work, he usally goes to the bar and gets drunk. That's one reason he left this time cause I was getting sick of it. I bought a trailer which he said he will give me the money back, well that's where he is living. Any way's, he called yesterday to see if I wanted to come over and stay the night after work, I of course said yes. Well then my gf from work e-mails me these pictures from our hangout that was taken while I was away on vacation. It was him and another girl and they both had there tonghs hanging out like they were ready to french kiss. then there were a couple more of him with other women. mind you we know a lot of people being a small town and everyone is friends with everyone. so to speak. I came home from work and sat around awhile and decided to go to the trailer with the pics.
I woke him up, he got off, and went to sleep. The only thing he was worried about was if i brought anything to eat. (guess what I told him he could eat!) and how he has not ate much. I told him he passes 3 stores on his way home. Oh he did thank me for doing his laundry and cleaning the room. so anyway, i watched a movie for the second time "Their eyes were watching god" and it was 2am when it was done. I laid there wide awake and thought of all the communitcation i have had here and the feedback mostly from butterflybaby. And as i lay there I thought "what the hell are you doing! you do not want this" On my way there, i felt nervous aand anxious, when i got there it was like a sigh of relief, i was so calm and relaxed, but as i lay there.....anyway i decided to leave and come back to my apt. i was glad i did. This morn. he called and asked why i left, i just said i couldn't sleep. then he had a mad voice asking me who sent me the pics and that someone was trying to cause us trouble. I told him i would not reveal my sorces (which he already knows) I asked him. Why is it everytime you get caught doing something wrong, you blame my informent (just like when he was out all night slept in his truck cause he was to drunk to drive) I found out 2 months later that he went to a motel with 2 girls and they did crank all night!!!Yes red flag, i have had a lot of those. he asked me out to breakfast so i met him. I asked him what we were going to do about the trailer, and he kinda got irritated and said he would pay me for it, so much a month and gave me 100.00.
Then i said, well ,what about us. and he said he thinks it's best if he stayed at the trailer and i keep my apt. for now. So i told him that if thats what he wants fine, for him to do what he wants and i will do what i want, "what the hell does that mean" i said well, seems you do what you want anyway. I told him about the pics, If we are in a relationship we are suppose to be commited to each other and no other woman should have their hands on him that it wasn't acceptable no more than me having other men in my apt. (another story) I asked him why I am always the one who suffers when he does something wrong. i told him i should not feel any pain at all that he was the one who has done me wrong. he agreed, i had left him a couple messeages and he say's that the one message i left him was exactly how i felt about him. I said no, the message i left when i wasn't mad was how i feel, i said people say things when they are mad they don't mean. (which i probley did mean).
I was so upset by then I wouldn't even eat. I got a to go box which will get trashed. He kept saying eat, uyou need to eat. but i didn't (don't worry, I ate something at home)
The last thing he said was are you coming over tonight, i said probley not but you never know. (I don't know) I left with a feeling of gladness, pain, sadness, grief!!
But now the tables are turned, I didnt feel rejected now cause he had left to begin with.
I know it is for the best. So now i am going to try no contact. which won't work cause the more i reject him, the more he will spy and call when he is drunk or even come by my apt. I will start doing what I want. but to date anyone I will have to leave town. for a while. I feel like butterfly's thread about how you can meet someone new and they can be a great guy but your mind is always on your ex so you can't feel comfortable with another person. I need feed back. and I apoligize for the length of this thread. I just want everyone to be as informed as possible. I just feel so hurt and just wanna die sometimes. I wish i could just do what i have always done and runaway. again thank you everyone especially butterflybaby. please help me get through this. it isn't over yet. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

February 25, 2006
6:12 pm
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bonita1
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sunshine,

You are right. You know deep down that you do not want this. Sometimes its at 2-3A.M. that we are ready to be honest with ourselves. Why can't you cut your losses and get on with your life. What in your life is important? What are your dreams that concern only you, not you & him together?

It seems to me that somewhere along the road you lost yourself and the things you wanted for yourself and your life. Your life became all about him and like you said, "He does exactly what he wants anyway." But what about you? You stopped living your life because of him.

Stop doing that. Stop doing his laundry, cleaning up after him, getting him food. Stop caretaking his bony ass. Oops! Sorry, I just meant that you need to take care of YOU!! Get yourself back, girlfriend. Things can only go up from here.

Also, this trailer that he is living in for free or practically for free is your property, right? I suggest you sell it. He needs to move on, too.

Kindly,

~~bonita

February 25, 2006
6:18 pm
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bonita1
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also, sunshine,

when you post try pressing enter 2 times in order to make paragraphs.... it makes it so much easier to

read

yeah

~~bonbon :p

February 26, 2006
12:39 am
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sunshinetrisha
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bonita, thanks for your reply. and i will

start

making

it

easier.

lol
you asked me what my dreams are? I am not really sure. That is a hard question. I guess I just want the simple things in life and one is to be happy.

There is so much sadness on this site, people that are in a lot more pain than I that I feel selfish. But I am very glad I am here. It really helps me.

I guess I just need to take things day by day and eventually I will get over him. I think why we hurt is cause we imagine how things could be if they would stop drinking and love us like we should be loved. A caring and trusting love. Everyone has something good about them and thats what I focus on at times.

But in reality, when we were home together, he would only watch tv and stay in bed, he would eat in bed. If we went anywhere it would be to the bar. Thats the only time I had his attention. He is very quiet and we wouldn't talk much at home but go to the bar and we could talk all night.

And nights when i would work I would come home to a passed out drunk. So why can I love something like that?

And Bonita, as far as the trailer, I thought about selling it but no one would buy it the way it is cause he has to put a whole new kitchen in plus lay carpet, get new windows ect.

So what I plan to do is let him stay there, (he's paying the lot rent and bills) and draw up a contract where he has so many months to pay me off. or he can get out.

the main thing i need to do is stay civil and just not see him. ( i mean civil when he calls)

Anyway i just got home from work and i am so tired. I want to thank you again for taking the time to read my book. lol

thanks, sunshine

February 26, 2006
1:25 am
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Anonymous
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sunshine,

I am very sorry to hear of your predicament. I hope things work out for the best for you. I agree with Bonita: do the best thing for you.

What are you getting out of the relationship with your bf anyway? He's married; it's not like he could make a lifelong commitment to you. He's seeing other girls; he's not faithful to you. All he seems to care about is himself and how you can take care of him.

All you seem to be getting is grief and heartache. Do you really think you deserve that? Or is there some other payoff you're not telling us about?

By the way, the following I ask half in jest. When I was on the dating scene (and I will be myself again in a few months), I found it terribly difficult to find a girl who would date me steadily (I was too shy then), and I was a fairly decent guy.

Here your bf goes, being who he is, having no problem having a wife, you, and who knows what other women. I think what he's doing is reprehensible, and I'd never do it myself, but I'm jealous of him. How does he get all you women? It doesn't seem fair. I could never get even one myself for the longest time.

Tell me his secret, please. I want to sift through it and take what's worth having.

Seeker

February 26, 2006
6:37 am
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bonita1
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seeker,

I guess you have to pass out drunk and be needy!! LOL seriously, I think the women you have dated are insane to let someone who seems like a caring and sensitive person go. Maybe it's not you but them, huh?

~~bonbon

February 26, 2006
7:02 am
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bonita1
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Dear sunshine,

Thanks

so

much

for

making it easier to read

your posting... LOL ;p

You said, "I guess I just need to take things day by day and eventually I will get over him. I think why we hurt is cause we imagine how things could be if they would stop drinking and love us like we should be loved. A caring and trusting love. Everyone has something good about them and thats what I focus on at times."

You hit the nail on the head there!! Of course we want the dream, the fantasy of a love for all time. It's one of a human being's most basic need, "to love and be loved." However, when we are codependent, we begin to believe in the fantasy more than in the reality of what we are putting up with. (been there, done that)

You want a caring, trusting love; to do things together with the man that you have chosen to love. But you know the reality of what you have with him.... a passed out drunk who cares more for himself and drinking than he ever did for you or his wife, whom he is willing to stay married to. You are hanging on to a dream, hon. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee!!

It's not reality. It's the unhealthy part of you that wants desperately to feel loved because on the most basic level you do not love yourself.

The problem is that once we look outside ourselves for that love of self, we begin to act in self destructive ways.

Many people on this site have recommended a book called, "Codependent, No More," by Melody Beattie. Another book that may help you gain a different perspective is "Addictive Relationships; Reclaiming Your Boundaries," by Joy Miller.

I would also strongly suggest making an appt. with a counselor or therapist. I cannot say enough about the value of being in therapy.(been there, doing that LOL) Please consider it. It can only help you, in the long run, learn to make better choices for your life, choices that will help you achieve your heart's desire, "A caring and trusting love."

Also, sunshine, what are some of the things that you used to do or used to enjoy doing that you gave up to be with him? Start reclaiming that. Do those things once again. Have fun! Enjoy life! You can't possibly enjoy your life by taking care of a drunk.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I just feel that you should start choosing to do the things in life that are important to YOU and will ultimately make you happy.

Kindly,

~~bonita 🙂

February 26, 2006
7:15 am
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bonita1
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Sunshine,

This is a p.s. lol...about the trailer...if you are planning on selling it to him then you need to set the price and he needs to go to a bank for a loan to pay you in full. None of this payment bullsh*t. You are NOT A BANK. He's got a good job. He needs to be responsible for himself and his debts, not you. This way you can really cut the ties that are binding you to this guy if that is what you so desire.

Also, you say that nobody would buy it... however, that may be true, but you never really know unless you try. But, give him first dibs to buy before putting it out for sale OR FOR RENT to the public.

This site is great for gaining different perspectives and support from kind and caring people (hey! we aren't codependent for nothin' hah!) However, I do caution you that those of us who post here on the threads are not licensed or trained counselors. Seek counseling in addition to the support you get from here. Another resource for you may be the weekly meetings of a group called Codependent's Anonymous. Go on their website (google it) to find where their nearest meeting is.

Wishing you the best,

~~bonita 😉

February 26, 2006
8:51 am
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sunshinetrisha
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Seeker, What do you mean "payoff I'm not telling about" Also I do not appreciate you asking me on your reply to cheaters to give you my number and you would look me up some time. WHAT THE HELL! This site is not a personal dating service. It is a site for strength and hope. We do not need "seekers" trying to pick up easy prey. If I am wrong let me know, but that is really how you came across to me.

February 26, 2006
8:55 am
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sunshinetrisha
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P.S. Seeker, It's like bonita said yu have to be drunk and go after the drunks. Thats your easy prey.

February 26, 2006
11:42 am
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shelbeegirl
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Sunshinetrisha, I soooo feel for you on the part of your post when you said that you would be at work and then come home to a passed out drunk. When I was living with my ex-N I had to work until 8:00pm and he got off at 4:30pm.

His excuse was that he worked hard all day and needed a beer after work and I wasnt there at home for him. So, he had to go to the bar. S... would be in the recliner chair in the living room passed out and hadnt even taken his coat off and his cigarette pack was still in his hand. One time, he was passed out half on the bed with his pants unzipped and half off the bed. I know that horrible feeling. Now, I see that it was becoming the "norm" for him. I am so glad I am out of that!!! It is not normal and you shouldnt have to put up with that. We love you. Please tell me how you felt when you saw what I saw. Shelbeegirl

February 26, 2006
12:16 pm
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sunshinetrisha,

I'm sorry. I can see how I would come across like that. That was not my intention at all. I wasn't serious at all about getting your phone number. That was in bad taste, and I apologize. That's why I put the smiley face at the end. I am very, very sorry. I didn't mean to cause you to feel unsafe.

I meant it in this manner: because of low self-esteem issues, I married a woman who was at the lower end of the attractiveness scale and who didn't keep up her appearance. I chose her in part because I felt she needed me, and I felt obligated to marry her. Now that that marriage is ending, the second time around, I want to marry somebody who I find attractive, somebody who I freely choose.

Anyway, you'd said you're attractive; I was playing off your words. I like to play off words.

You don't know the gut-wrenching jealousy I feel whenever I hear of an attractive woman hooking up with a loser. It makes my blood boil.

By the "payoff", I meant what emotional benefits you get from the relationship with your bf that you may not have told us about. Maybe you told us and I missed it. I'm a guy; I'm not as sharp on these things as most women. I meant nothing more by talking of a payoff.

I'll read whatever reply you might make, but I won't make any new ones unless it seems appropriate. I don't want to distract from your needs, and I've caused enough misunderstandings for one day.

Seeker

February 27, 2006
1:46 am
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bonita1
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(heavy sigh)

Sometimes it seems to me that we are in so much pain that our tempers are on a hair trigger. It is so easy to misunderstand each other when posting because we miss the facial expressions, the tone of voice, etc. I guess smiley faces just don't cut it.

Lets show a little more patience and tolerance for each other. It can't hurt.

~~bonita

February 27, 2006
9:51 am
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sunshinetrisha
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Thank you all so much (by the way i have replied to seeker with apology.
bonita, I got to the point where i dreaded coming home from work cause I knew i wouldn't be able to sleep in the same bed as him cause "what for"?

To lay there and smell booze and listen to his snoring and moaning? I sure wasn't going to be held. It was very depressing.

And as far as my trailer, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. He is a narcissis for sure cause i have been researching. I thought about selling it from under him even for less than I bought it.

cause although i don't hold grudges, and i am not a revenges kind of person, i just feel that he needs a pay back from SOMEONE for all he has done, not only to me but everyone he has ever screwed over. I never agreed to the fact he would buy it back from me. He acts like i bought it for him. Plus if he assumed all this, that he would pay me back when he got his income tax then he already broke that verbal agreement cause he didn't get enough back to pay me.

He started remodeling it for him. He said for us but then he said, i wanted a cheap place to live so when you throw me out I would have somewhere to go.

I want to write him and correct his assumptions but then again i figured maybe leave it alone and give him so much time to pay. that would only give a reason to no let go. I so want to let go and cut all ties. What should i do?

Thanks everybody please give me some feedback on this:

#1) Sell it for what i can get? (what happens when you piss off a narcissics?)

#2) Leave things alone for now.

#3) Draw up a legal contract for him to sign giving him so long to pay.

I would appreciated all answers, even from you seeker.

Love to all
trish

February 27, 2006
2:10 pm
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sunshinetrisha
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anyone there

February 27, 2006
3:04 pm
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butterflybaby
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Hi Sunshine,

Wow I didn't know all of that about your story but I totally understand what you mean bout coming home to him drunk and passed out. With my job I work alot of overtime and when we lived to gether I would get home after him and he would usually be wasted. I would say why did you do that and he would tell me its because I wasn't around so he didn't know what else to do. I used to try to manipulate my work schedule so crazyily so that i could get home before him and prevent this but even when I did that it didn't work. One thing that sucks is that I saw my ex bf last night and while we were just friendly I so badly wanted to reach out and hold him...he looked so good...it kills me cuz I feel like crap when he looks all good and put together like. I forget what he looks like when he is wasted can walk and I have to clean him up cuz of his accidents.

It does just suck but we all need to really focus on ourselves and making ourselves happier and then i think things would get a little easier. We wouldn't put up with so much crap from all these losers.

Also I would kick him outta the trailer and sell if for whatever you can get outta it...but that is easy for me to say...doing it would be the hard part and if I were in your shoes I don't know if I could do it.

Glad to hear in the other link though that you had a good relaxing day at the coast. I was so excited to hear that you were doing something for youself. Let me know if you have any ideas for hangin out with new people and not thinking about the ex all the time.

Hugs

February 27, 2006
3:09 pm
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butterflybaby
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Hi Sunshine,

Wow I didn't know all of that about your story but I totally understand what you mean bout coming home to him drunk and passed out. With my job I work alot of overtime and when we lived to gether I would get home after him and he would usually be wasted. I would say why did you do that and he would tell me its because I wasn't around so he didn't know what else to do. I used to try to manipulate my work schedule so crazyily so that i could get home before him and prevent this but even when I did that it didn't work. One thing that sucks is that I saw my ex bf last night and while we were just friendly I so badly wanted to reach out and hold him...he looked so good...it kills me cuz I feel like crap when he looks all good and put together like. I forget what he looks like when he is wasted can walk and I have to clean him up cuz of his accidents.

It does just suck but we all need to really focus on ourselves and making ourselves happier and then i think things would get a little easier. We wouldn't put up with so much crap from all these losers.

Also I would kick him outta the trailer and sell if for whatever you can get outta it...but that is easy for me to say...doing it would be the hard part and if I were in your shoes I don't know if I could do it.

Glad to hear in the other link though that you had a good relaxing day at the coast. I was so excited to hear that you were doing something for youself. Let me know if you have any ideas for hangin out with new people and not thinking about the ex all the time.

Hugs

February 27, 2006
4:21 pm
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sunshinetrisha
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Butterflybaby,

I wrote to you in feb 27 title Butterfly.

let me know when you read.

sunshine

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