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just plain dependent?
July 6, 2007
4:19 am
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Drawing1
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I'm new here and am happy to find a lot of insightful folks on here giving good advise. Well here's my deal. I was in a relationship for 3 or so years. I drank all the time, and I mean about a six pack 5 nights a week for the last 4 years. Mister X bf and I moved in together and lived our drunk, rocky but occasionally happy lives with our cat for about 2 of the 3 years we were together. In that relationship mister Xbf was my care taker. Sometimes it got so bad that I would accidentally wet our bed and he'd clean the sheets. He never judged or concerned himself with my drinking. He, himself, drank quite heavily too. Last year he got his sentencing for his second D.U.I. We both resolved to stop drinking..... well at least not all the time. I grew distant from mister Xbf and I fell in love with an older, recovering alcoholic at this time. I left Mister X bf. To pursue mister current. I work with mister current bf. I have not ever identified myself as an alcoholic. Not to him or to anyone. I haven't gotten drunk in a about three weeks but practice the occasional moderate drinking. I've been doing this, to be completely honest, because I fear I'm under the watchful eye of mister current bf. I have also shamefully cheated on Mister current bf when we first got together because I felt as though I wasn't getting enough of his attention. I have confessed this to him and now am compleately miserable. I find I'm always trying to calculate his next move. It breaks my heart how much I've hurt him. I feel like I'm too concerned with beating myself up and making him feel better now. I'm wondering if I should just end this relationship because its to hard to keep care taking for the man whose broken heart and hurt feelings are all my fault. I've apologized over and over agian. He wants to stay with me and now I feel terrible because I want to leave. I'm really missing mister Xbf now. I know there is dependency. Is it chemical or co? If I seek help, I'll feel real weird about dating mister current. I find myself very concerned with what mister current thinks of me. I don't believe he is judging me, but A.A. is his thing I suppose. I feel trapped. Will some kidly soul please guide me to what meeting I should attend:) Also is this "Assertive"? I really don't know what is meant by that.

July 6, 2007
6:06 am
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Drawing1
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July 6, 2007
7:59 am
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CAMER
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hi drawing....i think you should be "alone"...you sound like you want to be alone, and not with the current guy...even though he seems like he wants you to stay...and you cheated on him for a reason.

Why not attend AA meetings, and focus on you for this time. And your wants and your needs and YOU getting sober.

I think being involved with someone else, that'll take the focus off of YOU.

and at this point, YOU should be taking care of you...then in time when your heart is ready and you have some sobriety, you can find time for a relationship.

Now is the time for a relationship with yourself.

((((camer)))

July 6, 2007
9:58 am
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atalose
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I think camer is right, it sounds like you need to be un-involved right now and focus on you.

I think AA meetings are the place for you to start. If that is current BF's thing then go to meetings where he doesn't. Running back to XBF sounds more like the easy way out. And staying because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings, we end up hurting them more then we realize by doing that.

It's never good when we are dependent on someone else learning to become independent will help make you feel strong to make good choices for yourself.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 6, 2007
11:33 am
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lettingo
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Your problem sounds like addiction to probably both alcohol and relationshiops. I question how a recovering alcoholic could date someone who may potentially be an alcoholic. As a recovering alcoholic myself, I had major relationship problems especially when I was drinking and was also very dependent because like Alcohol I used men to numb out any feelings or discomforts. My suggestion, goes to AA and see if it might be something that can help you in the long run. The disease progresses so even if you try to control it, it will end up controlling you every time.

July 12, 2007
10:28 pm
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Drawing1
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Hey there letting go. Well hears a bit more explaining. We MR cbf and I work together. I quit drinking when I got with him. That was my plan to outsmart all the drinking and compulsive behavior. I was going to make the price to high. I was going to make the man, the carrot, the reason. I do love him. He treats me with respect and dignity and all sorts of love. I'm not currently compleatly sure he doesn't suspect a thing. I've told him messed up stories and I think he wants on some level to rescue me. ... from me. It's not working. by the way I went to my first meeting today. (by myself)

July 12, 2007
10:31 pm
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Drawing1
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AND THANKS.

July 12, 2007
10:42 pm
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marypoppins
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Drawing1,

I agree with the others that regular meetings are the right course of action. The ideal situation when you're working a 12-step program is to be on your own so you can completely focus on getting well, in your case, getting and staying sober. Remember, the alcohol is what you use to numb the pain from all of the underlying problems. I've seen many alcoholics finally come out of that fog, dry out, and then begin the real work of healing. Congratulations on going to a meeting. Keep it up if you want to get better. It's a long process, but you're well worth it. That booze can kill you...

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