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Just need to vent
September 20, 2003
10:01 pm
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jenni from the block
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Hi to anyone who may be out there...I am not a regular writer on this website, but I do visit and read regularly. I don't really have anyone to talk to...I did have one friend who knew my secret, but she moved away...so tonight I am going to write...I guess I am just feeling really lonely, sad and disappointed in myself. It's been awhile since I've been depressed..I thought I was making progess with codependency, but tonight my partner is on a binge after several months of sobriety and I realize that I have been okay because he was okay...Now I am not, because he is not...I really thought I was getting past codependency but I'm not. I've made progress, and I celebrate the small steps I have made, but his binges still trigger great anxiety and sadness in me. I am not a user of any substance, but my partner uses everything. You name it, he is either addicted to it, or has tried it. We've been together since our teen years, and despite his extreme addiction, I have never had the courage to leave him. I've never threatened it, and we have never ever broken up, not even for a day. I am way to scared. I've read books on codependeny, I see an EAP therapist and shrink for my anxiety and I'm still stuck in the same damn hole..I feel at the end of my rope...I can't do it anymore..Scared to move on, scared to stay where I am..Has anyone out there ever been EXTREME codependent and moved on? I'm losing hope and so lost right now...

September 20, 2003
11:30 pm
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unhappy camper
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hugs jenni...

We here can all relate to your pain. We have had roots in our past that created the co-dependency personality in us. We are trying to fight it off too.

First tell us how he has been over the length of your relationship. If he has never had to doubt your love, or heard you complain or threaten to withdraw your support, and has never feared losing you....did he get worse over time? Is he treating you even worse knowing he has you around his little finger? Is he getting braver and more aggressive and demanding?

Something is making you see this differently. What is changing?

September 20, 2003
11:39 pm
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Ladeska
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Glad to see you finally post here!!! One thing I want to ask is - what are the positives that he brings to your life? And are you just scared to be alone? I think it would help for you to post here. There are alot of people who could help and contribute because they have been there. Please keep talking!

September 20, 2003
11:55 pm
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ms.confused
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Hi jenny,

I feel your pain. I stayed in a relationship for 11 years dealing with the same type of pain u might be experiencing. MY ex was an active user and I also was a non-user. I was fine when he was and a mess when he was also. Its really hard but sometimes its best to detach from the mess and start living for ourselves. I have also been in and out of codependency for years but we have to understand that codependency is a life long process just like addiction. Once things get better we have to continue to work on ourselves and love ourselves because theres always gonna be an issue to pop up unexpectantly that we are gonna be forced to have to look back on. I met my ex when I was 14 and was with him til I was 24-25 also scared to leave and not wanting to look toward the unknown. We also sometimes paint this picture that we are always gonna be here and are gonna take anything that comes our way. But in reality, we are both much better off not being in the situation. I dont know exactly what you are experiencing but I hear the pain in your post. We are glad you are here. I never thought I would leave my ex but I did it and when I look back it was the best things for me. Sometimes things that help me is re-reading "CoDependent No more", keeping a journal of my thoughts, writing poetry, doing things good for myself along with reading and posting on this forum...Take care of yourself..We love you and we know you can love yourself too!

Hugs
Ms.Confused

September 23, 2003
5:13 pm
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jenni from the block
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Thanks so much for writing back everyone. I can't discuss my situation with my family or my friends. Somedays I am okay, while other days I am a mess. I keep hearing the message, "take care of yourself", but I honestly have no idea how to. My life revolves around my partner, and I have no clue what my needs are, let alone how to meet them. I'm stronger than I used to be, but I still have so much work to do...Again, thanks for your support. I'll keep posting.

September 23, 2003
6:17 pm
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ms.confused
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I feel the same way sometimes..for me I have to keep myself busy doing things I like to do and sometimes thats so hard because I dont know how to enjoy myself (especailly when I dont have a man in my life) or actually know what it is I like to do. Ive always been the one to caretake everything and have forgotten many times how to take care of myself. I still have to constantly fight the battles of negative self-talk in my head on a daily basis and that can become a battle in its own. For me being on this support thread had helped me alot.. knowing that theres others out there experiencing the same things I am or have already experienced similiar. I can post here without people judging me and I can get the support I have needed for myself to work on myself for so long. I am glad you also found this thread.. We are glad you are here. Continue to post your thoughts and feelings and ideas and you will come to terms on how to begin to love yourself. For a long time, I didnt know what that meant either and sometimes I still have to remind myself but the nice people here help me to keep on myself on track and they will do the same for you.

Love,
Ms.confused

September 25, 2003
4:53 pm
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jenni from the block
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Thanks ms. confused for sharing your story and for words of encouragement. I am not very computer saavy and just figured out what a "thread" is, but I am making my way and finding this a good outlet for me. I'm really in a bad space this week. I went to work today and put on my "I have a perfect life" facade and then came home and everything fell apart, as soon as I look at my partner and realized he was high on crack. He went through treatment in February and was clean for 100 days, but slowly started to use again, and now it seems he is hooked again. He keeps saying"this is the last time...I promise" and I know he is just saying this,but I want so much to believe him. I know that right now he is in denial that he is hooked again, and he probably needs to hit bottom again, before getting help, and I am just so sad and disappointed, because things were starting to look up after he went for treatment, and I thought we were finally going to have the life that I wanted. I am so enmeshed adn tangled up in this relationship, I can't get myself out, and I am not sure I even want out, that's how crazy I am. I am tired and depressed and perpetually stuck.

September 25, 2003
7:48 pm
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ms.confused
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Wow.. i really understand your pain more than i thought. the relationship i was in was also addicted to crack.. things were really ok from one point and just kept escalating.. he went thru treatment over and over and was clean for small periods of time..things just got worse and worse and eventually i had to take care of myself and realize that that wasnt the life i wanted to live any longer.. this was after 2 kids (thats now 12 and 10 and have had maybe a combined 1 year of there life experience even knowing their father) after having all my possesions that i worked so hard for stolen to maintain his high, dealing with physical abuse, verbal abuse and his cheating after losin myself so much to where i didnt even know who I was anymore. they claim they dont mean it and this will be last time but in reality that never seems to be the truth.. they need help and theres nothing u or me can do to help them.. they have to truely want to help themselves.. the best way u can help yourself is to start thinking for yourself and start wondering if the hell you are going thru is worth it all...its hard i know but things will get worse before they get better and u need to take care of YOU in the process.. My ex went thru about 20 treatment programs - All inpatient and spent the remainder of his time in jail due to tryin to maintain his addiction.. where he is now serving 6 more years in a prison facility.. Ive learned that his problems are just that his problems and even tho i wish him the best theres nothing i can do for him that he cant do for himself.. And as far as u now knowing whether u want out of the relationship or not...it seems to me u know theres something not right with your relationship and u will find the answers when u are ready to listen to your inner voice telling u...we often look over all that we know and tell ourselves so we dont have to experince the pain that we are feeling but it soon turns to resentment and denial.. keep posting and sorting through your emotions and when u are ready to make a move.. u will know...HUGS.. We are here for you

September 25, 2003
9:49 pm
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jenni from the block
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I'm just so lost right now, I can barely cope. I know he is spiralling down and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It kills me to see him ruin his life and our relationship this way. We've been together approx 18 years-since we were basically kids. I just don't know how to live without him, and I primarily worry about him because he has no where to go and no money to support himself. Along with the crack use, denial, minimization and anger has surfaced with him. We are arguing constantly. I wish he would just leave me. I feel so depressed right now. I can make it through the work day, but evenings are unbearable. I just wish I had the strength to leave him and I feel so ashamed that I have not. My family and friends have no idea what is going on in my life because I work very hard to protect the secret. Sometimes I worry more about them finding out, then I do about my partner. I'm convinced they would not understand, particularly my mother, who throughout my childhood taught me how to "be perfect".

September 25, 2003
10:22 pm
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andigal
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Hi.
I am batteling being co-dependent. I left my ex of 7 yrs ,who was abusive mentally and physically 7 months ago. I started councelling and have been attending group meetings weekly.
I recently started speaking to him again. At first I felt that he had changed but slowly I feel the sneaking manipulation starting......
He has quit drinking and drugs for now ( a month). But even without the substance abuse I still feel uncomfortable, up tight and disgusted in his presence. I know what to do. I've done it many times.

I've finally realized that I don't love him anymore. And I don't want to look after him anymore. But I am still sad and still crippled with worry for his well being. I am afraid that if I tell him how I feel that he will start abusing again. Although I know that he would do it whether I was there or not.

Anyone in the same position?
Thanks I feel better being able to vent.

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