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Just need to talk it out
May 14, 2007
11:26 am
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Enoughalready
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My first time here and im a little nervous. So lets just get to it. I think I have a serious issue with being insecure in my relationship with my wife. She constantly tries to tell me I have nothing to worry about and she has given me no reason to doubt her. I just keep playing senerious over and over in my head about her not loving me and possibly being involved with some one else. I try to shake these thoughts and feeling but I just cant seem to put them to rest and I dont want to keep telling her because I can see the frustration building up in her. I dont have anyone that I really consider a friend so I can talk this thing out and try to get it out of my system so I did a search and found myself here. I read some of the threads and felt like I could expressmyself and get some feed back from someone who might be going thru a similar issue

May 14, 2007
12:04 pm
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Beareal
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Just need,

Let's first take a look at some things. Does your wife criticize you a lot? Does she seem to be dissatisfied with you in some way? Does she seem happy or unhappy? What is making you think that she is unhappy with you, and may be cheating on you?

May 14, 2007
12:08 pm
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loverbee
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My first question would be about your past. Do you have good relationship with your parents? Have you been really heart broken in the past? When do these thoughts arise? What triggers them. Do you feel this way with others or just your wife? If you can answer those, then maybe we can get to the source of it.

May 14, 2007
12:38 pm
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Enoughalready
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I know she had a friendship relationship with a man who was our friend. I thought she may have been cheating on me with him and I confronted her with it and she denied it and said she would end her frinedship with him. Now I looked at her cell phone records, I probably should not have and I found a number that she call on her way to and from work on a regular basis. I know this could be just a friend she is talking to but my mind wont let me believe this is all it is. I dont want to tell her I snooped into her records I guess I am affraid of the reaction she may have. She constantly tells me there is nothing to worry about and we had a great motherday weekend but whne I cam to work I was tempted to look again at her cell phone records...but I have not as of yet..I have been able to retrain my self from doin ghtis as I believe it may be hurting me more than I am already hurting myself

May 14, 2007
12:46 pm
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lovemedo
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There must be a reason why you have these niggling doubts about her. Suspicions come from somewhere. Either she is giving you cause for them or you are looking where there is no reason to. How secure are you in the marriage? Maybe you feel you are not good enough for her. I agree with Loverbee. Try to rationalise where the feelings are coming from then they can be addressed. Keep in touch.

May 14, 2007
12:54 pm
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Enoughalready
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lovemedo,
I have been looking deep inside my soul to find out why I am feeling this way and I keep coming back to what I think is insecurity and jealousy...When she has had to work late on some evenings she has gone to eat with some of her co-workers and not told me and when I found out I was angry and she told me this is the reason she did not want to tell me. i dont want to believe that I am this insecure but I think I am seeing it inmyself more and more and why is it just coming out now. I love her more than anyman could ever love a woman she is not perfect by any means but I still love her no matter what. I know she has been through some pretty tough times in her life and she is very strong and resigned to the fact if our marriage doesnt work then oh well, Almost like she could take it or leave it type of a feeling.

May 14, 2007
1:15 pm
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lovemedo
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OK. So let's figure out why eating with colleagues may be an issue for you. Is it because she normally arrives home at a certain time and when she's late you are sitting worrying about where she is? Has she had an accident etc. If this is the case she ought to understand and ring you if she does not intend to come straight home. Maybe you don't know what time she is coming home at all, and this unsettles you. Could you talk about this and maybe suggest you have cooked something for her to eat, or maybe watch a dvd together so there is some plan for the evening ahead. If it is an issue about her needing freedom to come and go as she pleases with no discussion with you, then maybe you could talk about this and whether or not that is a big issue for either or both of you. Some rational dialogue, not an angry response or guilt trip, would be helpful to you both. Maybe if we can find out what is causing your anxiety, we can find a way to include your wife in the solution. ((HUG))

May 14, 2007
1:33 pm
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Enoughalready
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Its everything you just said. Do you think that I am trying to hard so that I dont lose her? If Im going to lose her there is not much I can do right? Am I reading too much into circumstantial evidence? Is there any way of really knowing for sure that nothing is going on? What do women want in cases like this? I guess I just havent really trusted any woman since I was divorced many years ago. My divorce was not nasty or mean it was just a total shock I didnt see it coming. I guess I may be at the stage of trying to predict the future and preparing myself for what ever may be ahead. I just want to learn how to control these feelings so that they dont get in the way of my relationship or cause any harm to my marriage. How can I show her without telling her that I may have this insecurity problem but I am dealing with it?

May 14, 2007
1:39 pm
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lovemedo
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Ah..... let's look at that last statement. "show her without telling her"......you have to tell her. Communication is an important part of any relationship. Try to be honest with her. It does not show weakness on your part, it shows strength and trust. Stength from you that you can sit down and discuss how you feel and trust her to listen and hopefully understand. Given your past, it is understandable for you to feel as you do. You don't have to control these feelings on your own. A marriage is about sharing. To try to control and hide how you really feel is more likely to harm your relationship than having the strength to open up and discuss your issues. Good luck.

May 14, 2007
4:29 pm
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nappy
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Enough,
I can tell you first hand that if you keep doing this to her, then you are going to lose her.

My ex was the exact same way and I loved him dearly and had never gave him any reason to be jealous or to even act like what you are describing but it did hurt him in the end because I was tired of him. Tired of trying to prove my love and then it got to the point that I just didn't want it anymore. It was to much work.

If you don't get help for yourself, you are going to hurt the relationship. You need to tell her that you need help so that she will understand what is going on with you. If not, she might get sick of it and leave because it is to much work trying to prove your love to someone who has a lot of insecurity.

My ex hurted himself and he is still hurting because he has lost me and we will never get back together again.

And sometimes the mind will play tricks on you. Those little voices in your mind will talk and talk and talk but you will have to know how to control them because they will hurt you in the end.
Nappy

May 14, 2007
5:53 pm
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Beareal
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Enough,

I really believe love is a two-way street. If your wife's socializing after work and her calls to unknown people bothers you that much, you should tell her. It is not that you are trying to control her, but your problems are her problems too. And if you are not feeling good about all that extra activity, then she should be sensitive to that until you all have had a chance to talk it out. You said she really didn't give you a reason to doubt her, but her overly freindly relationship with the family friend was reason enough. Why was he freinds with her and not you? I don't think it is healthy for women to have male personal male friends that are not friends with the husband. Work is one relationship, personal time is another. I believe she should respect your feelings and the two of you come to some agreement on how you want to handle friends of the opposite sex. The two of you should not hold relationships that make the other one feel insecure.

It is just a matter or respect. Do you work? Do you have personal relationships outside of work, and if so, how does she feel about them?
You both have to talk and talk honestly.

May 15, 2007
10:35 am
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Enoughalready
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Nappy, Thanks you advise is sound and I knew this already. I think I just needed to hear it from someone who has been there. Like I said I just needed to talk it out. Today is a new day and there is hope for tomorrow. It is going to be a difficult road back but I started today. I told my wife this morning that my love for her was a simple love a love so simple that it would never leave. So I simply love my wife and I want to be remembered as a man who loved his wife so much that he did everything he could to make her life a better one...Thanks Nappy

May 15, 2007
11:26 am
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AQueen
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Personally it sounds like you have some insecurity and control issues. Counseling sounds like a wonderful idea so you can work on those issues you are having because they will eventually tear you apart. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, if you have no trust then you have a problem with the relationship. You mentioned not trusting women since your divorce, don't punish her for the actions of another. One on one counseling, alone. No couples therapy at this time, that's my advice. When one partner is controlling in any sense it makes it hard for the other partner to open up if they are in couples counseling, so it ends up being unproductive because the controller is controlling the whole session! Get help alone, get it soon. I would be upset if some guy was treating me like that. Snooping and always jumping to conclusions. You said it seems like she can take or leave the relationship. I don't think that's the case. I think it sounds like she's not going to put up with you crap long term and there is nothing wrong with that. Smothering someone is not sexy, clingy is yucky. Sounds like she's a strong woman who loves you and you just have to let go and trust. See when in love you jump into a relationship with both feet. You trust completely until there is a reason not to. If you get hurt then you get hurt but you'll never know if you find true lasting love if you don't jump in with both feet and trust! If you keep treating her as if she's untrustworthy you'll succeed in pushing her away, far far away.
Good luck. We can recover from unhealthy behaviors and work on our issues. It takes effort and it takes time but it can be done. If you really want this to work I suggest you try counseling.
AQueen

May 15, 2007
2:19 pm
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Enoughalready
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AQueen..Thanks for your honesty. As I get responces to my issue I see more and more the path I must take. I see how the women who respond feel about men and what they do or dont do. I thought I had a good understanding of women but as I grow in my personal life i find out that I dont know as much as I think. I am willing to admit my short comings and see where I may have twisted my issue into a great big ball of string where I cant even find out where it began. Unwinding the string for me is not necisarily the right way for me as I do not want to relive any of the emotional roller coaster I have been on. I am cutting straight to the middle and resolve the root issue of my insecurities and controling ways. I have found here in this group an outlet that I desperately needed and to be able to have people give me the truth without fear of hurting me in anyway..Thanks to all who have responded and for your words..Little by little and day by day is now how I am trying to live my life..

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