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Just need some support and someone to talk to
September 28, 2001
3:46 pm
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dyingsoon
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jb489
Michele, Thanks for your good advice. You sure can handle this matter calmly, but not my wife. She said one more time like this she will drop dead. The innocent girl gave me her heart and desperately would die without me. There is no way that anyone on earth would forgive for what I have committed. I need to seek professional for help on this field, and I shall take the innocent girl to go together. I do not want either one of them to get hurt. Thank you Michele.

September 29, 2001
1:51 pm
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Dying soon.
You may just want to not mention or bother your wife any longer. You obviously have nothing left for your wife if you want to seek professional help with "the innocent one" Wrong choice after stating that you have immense love for your wife and her personality. I think you are a person of low self esteem and need someone to always pick you up. Too bad you couldn't just allow your wife to provide you comfort as I'm sure she wanted to. I know there are always 2 sides to every story but it seems you have already made your choice now let your wife go and move on for herself. Strange to be saying this considering the situation I am in. I can't prove my husband has someone but a wonderful friend told me and made me look at what he hasn't done for me and my girls this past month. I too need to move on (not with another) but with my girls and hope that John will miss me and not the financial security we had. I miss our love for eachother immensely but know that communication is the key to successful relationships; with children, friends, coworkers and absolutely with the spouse. By the way are there children involved in this triangle you have begun? If so they need honesty and need to be left out of the "innocents" life for the time being. It isn't fair to drag children into our messes and I admit that my 2 and his 1 are totally caught in the middle. I pray it will work out by I can't hold on to something that isn't there right now and I think your wife may feel the same and you need to set her free. If you never did anything for her she at least deserves to be set free of the pain she is feeling. Why don't you give her this website and have her express herself she may feel strength. I suggest you join a CODA group-I feel it will help you to understand yourself and who knows you may find out the "innocent one" is actually your wife in disguise and then you need to find yourself to see what it truly is you need to figure out about yourself. Best of luck especially to your wife. Give her my best and let her know we all are pulling for peace. Michele

September 29, 2001
5:55 pm
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gingerleigh
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Dyingsoon, you are so focused on getting help for yourself. Think outside of yourself just this once. I think you should also suggest to your *wife* that she get some counseling for enduring the abuse that you are putting her through. And you should pay for it, every penny.

As for the "innocent" girl, she should know better than to get involved with a married man. Innocent? Not a chance.

September 30, 2001
11:07 pm
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Hi Dyingsoon,
Before I answer your question, ask yourself these: If you really love your wife, would you hurt her like what you are doing now? If you really love the "innocent" girl, would you drag her in this unfair treatment of being a SECOND wife. If you really love someone, the someone should be FIRST in your life and not SECOND. And, my answer to your question is, "NO." because GOD did not made 2 Eve for Adam. I love my husband enough to bear with his mistakes, to forgive and forget. (Most of the people will think that I am stupid.) If I ever let my husband has a second wife, this would mean I do not love him anymore because you won’t care what the person you do not love does. The one you do not love will not be able to hurt you because what he does, has no effect on you. And, only if you do not love a person, then you would not care whether what he does is right or wrong, you will not care whether he has sin.
Do you really believe that if your wife allowed you to have a second wife, it will be good for everyone. Let me tell you something – NO. Nobody will be happy because there will be more problems later when a man has 2 wives. There will never be peace in a family. The wives will always fight to get more of your love and attention. The children from both wives will fight for your love too. And you think that it will not happen again because you have a second wife. NO, as long as you have a second, sooner or later, you will starting thinking of having a third and fourth…...because human is greedy.
To you it may seem like I am pretty calm, but this is because you have never see how I cried. I am one who always put on strong front but cry within. You can't even imagine the hurts that you have imposed on your wife. Nothing can be more hurtful than the hurt imposed by your loved one.
As for the girl, if she agrees and allows herself to come into this mess, she is not as innocent as your claimed. She should know better to get involved with other woman's husband. She should know the consequences that she may need to face. Be assured that she will not die if you were to part with her. YOU are not that great yet. Get her some professional help to get on with her life.
For you and your wife, you have to think properly. If you still love your wife like you claimed, go to see counselor together with your wife, work on it and find out why you would think of having another wife in your marriage. Think of the time when two of you spent the sweetest moment together and if possible, re-live that memory.
Are you a man in faith of GOD? If yes, read the WORDS of GOD. GOD said,"You must not commit adultery". Let's put it this way, would you allow your wife to have a second husband if you really "love" her? Would you let your wife sleep in another man's arms? Would you? If your answer is yes, I would suggest you pass this message of mine to your wife, "Leave this man!"

September 30, 2001
11:24 pm
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Hi Michelle,

Great to know that you leave a voicemail to him stating your decision clearly to him. Yes, you may not hear from him for a while, but be patience and work on yourself and your children too. Give him a nice surprise the next time he calls and he will.

September 30, 2001
11:27 pm
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Hi Dyingsoon,
Sure you will think that everyone on this site is coping better than your wife. Let me assure you that this is becaues you never come face to face with us and you have never see the sides when we break down. No woman in this world can handle this well as much as your wife, of course unless, that woman does not love her husband anymore.

October 2, 2001
8:37 am
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jb489
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Same,
Thanks for the boost. He hasn't called yet, I have called him though and I don't mean to sound desperate it is just that I, like you I love my husband enough to bear his mistakes and forgive and forget. Right now I am not sure what he is thinking. He has become so cold and actually I am beginning to percieve him as mean. He doesn't call the kids-abandoned them more or less. Abby the littlest one (4) the one who is like his own as he raised her from 9months old, totally broke down yesterday needing to talk to him. I called him and he said you are making this more difficult. That made me angry because he is totally avoiding the girls how cruel that is. He ended up talking to the girls and told them that he would come and visit and make banana bread with them. They became so excited that I was angry because he is going to break their hearts. I think that will be the last straw, if he gave them false hope and leaves them standing there like their own father did one Christmas day (we waited for their real father on the thruway for an hour on Christmas day and he never showed up-my oldest was devestated and remembers it to this day, she was 4 years old). I can't believe he would be this way but who knows what snapped in his head. Don't get me wrong, I still want to work everything out with him but my girls come first and if he hurts them well that may begin to change the whole thing. I understand he is in pain himself but don't hurt the kids. Why is he being so stubborn. It is absolutely frustrating the heck out of me. Michele

October 2, 2001
2:14 pm
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Molly
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Michelle, let it go, he is not their father, he has chosen some one some where else, how in the hell do you think your going to trust this lying manipulative, characterless, who likes to inflict pain, insecurity,confusion, and doesn't care about the comfort of children, or he wouldn't have tossed his game on the playing field. Let it go!!
They all want that trophey wife, they just don't want to maintain it, that comment about weight loss and a size 8 fruch him, if we had more money we could eat ass wipe. For some men its a game, they stompple you and your dreams, then call you a victim while your standing there with a ugly tear stained face holding the two kids, easier for them to justify what a sorry woman they left, some guys thrive on it, then the woman pulls her self together, starts to look good, makes the rent, job, and kids look easy, and then they come sniffing around, the better you look and appear, the more your gonna see him and have the opportunity to slam the door in his face. Don't buy into this dance, get a new ticket. Unless you can get child support, or more alimony, if your gonna try to get anything but away, let him know that his vistis are simply to disruptive to YOUR household, and no drop ins, or bys welcome, and God forbid he takes them don't know who this woman is, and damn sure he isn't going to take them anywhere alone, to risky with the potential threats of abuse.

Dyingsoon;
Your allready emotionally dead, you have severly wounded a woman who trusted you, committed to you, and expected you to have some sort of character from which to establish a home and family with. Suffer your consequences, and set her free, knowning what you did to another person. The little twit who knowingly had relations with you deserves the path to hell that she has chosen to embark on with you. The weak find their own . She will also be forced to live with the fact that she has destroyed a marriage, not that you wouldn't have found some one else, they are out there unfortunately a dime a dozen. You'll start looking again, or she will neither one of you are worth a moment of a decent persons time. Your repantance, should be a very large settlement to your wife, with counseling paid for by you, and a minimum of 2 years counseling on your needs, and issues for growth, and should be forced to do in in celebacy.
You made a concious choice, now you should have to pay the consequences, as well as learn why you thought you could make that choice, but your only huMAN

October 2, 2001
9:37 pm
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Hi Michelle,

I understand what you are going through now. I had a hard day yesterday too.
Be strong, take care of yourself because your kids need you. It is never easy. Whatever decision that you made, may GOD blessed you. A hug for our great michelle. ((michelle))

October 4, 2001
8:58 am
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jb489
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Hi Molly,
Wow-not quite sure what to say. I want to clarify that John would never physically or intentionally mentally hurt my girls. I do agree that if he sees me pulling it all together it may make him want to be with me more but after the distance and unforgiving he has shown on his end it may be more difficult to let him back in. I in the past had a hard time with forgiving, I forgave but I would hold on to the pain longer than I probably should have. That behavior was alot of this breakup. I do love him and what we built together and as a family and miss it all so very much. My only frustration right now is this living in limbo feeling. I can't stand the answer "I don't know" when I ask him what he wants or if he thinks there may be a chance again. I just want to shake him to get this stubborn way of thinking out of there. I wasn't very supportive to his son these last 2 years. He has ADHD and John for the most part denies there is a problem and stopped taking him to the Dr. for counseling and management and his medication has also stopped. Jay has such a focus problem and yes it was very difficult to handle but was worse when John would always make excuses for him which in turn caused alot of diagreements and arguments. It got to the point where Jay knew exactly what he was doing as far as acting like "I don't know why" or "I didn't do that" or "I didn't see it there" (something he stepped on). Ok maybe there are things he actually doesn't know but he is 12 years old and very intelligent. Very frustrating. John is dealing with alot right now because he is seeing the problems of Jay and getting frustrated with him and I'm not even there. I think John may feel that if we were to get back together that the stress of Jay would only make things go back to the same way. I have decided that if John wants to deal with Jay in that fashion that is his deal. Yes it would frustrate me but I can honestly say it is not worth fighting with John over. It is a situation that John needs to deal with. Yes I will be supportive and a parent to a point with Jay but as far as the ADHD is concerned, All I can do is be there for John with what he needs from me in regards to Jay. This time away has helped me to realize my impatience with all of it but now I am peaceful knowing that I can handle this problem with John not against him. I just wish he would give me the chance.
I"m not quite sure John has found another, he has never lied to me and I really don't think he is lying now-I don't have any proof that he is seeing someone. He isn't like that.
I do recieve child support from the girls father (got a check today) I am able to handle all my bills-thankfully I have a wonderful career-I am an RN and work for a National/International company marketing and researching and developing medical products. John too is an RN and makes fairly good money but he is struggling with the bills at present especially credit cards-HE had decided to transfer my cards into his name due to lower interest rates and his better credit rating (which in turn made my credit rating much better) We paid those bills together and now when I want to give him money for the credit bills he says no yet gets mad at me saying that I put him into debt. I never wanted to transfer the cards and now I won't be able to get them back. What do I do, he is being spiteful about that. I can and am going to find a way to assist in paying for the credit bills (by the way he increased the totals as well it wasn't just me) So much has happened and rearing its ugly head so much more freqently that I am afraid is going to hold on too tightly and not allow for any chances to be given. I have decided to quit calling him, I still cry desperately but have decreased that especially in front of the girls. I do look better on the outside so who knows. we have a counseling session tonight not sure if he will show up but if he does then maybe he in some sort of way wants to make things work. I don't know anymore.
Same-thanks for the hug they are so appreciated and needed.
Michele

October 4, 2001
2:09 pm
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Molly
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After my experience, I don't have much faith in blended marriages, his and yours. My man, I swear took everything I said about his kids, even today as a negative, regardless of what it was, or is that I said, built in defense mechanism. Its good that he has his son alone, so that he can see, that it is not you. its the only way sometimes. That credit thing is a difficult mess, protect your credit, check with someone on how to protect your self, it will cause a confrontation, no matter what you do. Great that you are self supporting, at least you don't have that to deal with on top of all else.
Sometimes abuse comes in many different forms, don't know how old the kids are but if they are girls, and seeing the lack of harmony it may come back to bite you. it did me, and when we reconcilled, almost cost me my relationship with them. they are older now, lived with us for 12 years, and to be honest, he is not involved with them at all, and their family is with the ex, and all of his people. With hubby, its all about his, and him. Last fathers day, I tossed in the towl at trying to be a family, got sick and tired of being the blame for everything, regardless of my efforts. it is just hard, and perhaps your guy is more open than mine. But it was our seperation that allowed him to see what I did contribute, but he relapsed after a short time.
Limbo is something that you allow to happen, stand firm, and take direction for you and your children, he can jump on the train, or sit at the station. we women and I speak for my self as well, need to do it for our selves, we deserve the best that life has to offer. We create the opportunity to share our greatness, our hearts, our compassion, and if they don't get it and rise to our occasion then they just are not worthy. Sure we are human and act human, but look at the score cards, and take it from there. I get frustrated with my self, and see it in others how sometimes we put all of our power on a plate waiting for them to take it vs use it for us.

October 4, 2001
10:34 pm
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Sorry, too down to write anything. You take care Michelle.

October 5, 2001
12:02 am
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What exactly did he do and what exactly did you do?

I tell you a little bit about me. I married a man 5 years ago who was wonderful and came home six months later and said he loved me but needed to be free. No he did not cheat in the normal since. Never has been with another woman. Drugs was his other love. It took me a long time to figure this out. See he came back crying and then we had a beautiful child together. He was not there for her birth though, he was off on a binge, an eight month binge. He finally came home when she was two months old. Some times there are hidden things going on in people's lives and it takes time to figure them out. I cannot say mine has a happy ending. I love my husband, addiction and all. But I have finally put my foot down about him living here with me and our children and doing drugs. It took me four years to figure out and prove he was doing drugs. He was very good at hiding it and lying about it. It was always something I did or said that made him take off for a week or whatever. Anyway 22 times in five years he has left. There will not be 23. I have gone to court and gotten a legal separation with alimony and child support to protect my home and kids. He made great money $8,000.00 a month and spent over half on drugs. So do not go crazy. If this man truly loved you he would not be with another woman. I love my husband and he has left me alone many, many times. I have had offers and I do not even entertain the thought. It is revolting to me to think about letting another man, who is not my husband, the man I do love touch me. Men do feel the same if they love. I'm sorry but there may be more going on than you think. Take control of your life. Live and love those kids. They are what is important now. They need you now more than ever. Be a mom, and dad. My baby is 3 and she ask about her daddy last week. She knows he is a drug addict. She said she needed her daddy. I told her I could be her mommy and daddy for now. Her answer to me was "you don't do drugs". Got it. If this man loves you he will be back and the two of you can work on the marriage together. All you can do is tell him that you love him, and if and when he figures out what it is he wants out of life, he should give you a call and let you know cause you will be there with the kids. Hang in there because it is not easy when you feel like your heart is ripped out. But the more you dwell on it and take responsibility for it alone will only prove that you have need for professional help. It is never what it seems on the surface. So go diving and see what lurks beneath the surface. It made me feel better to finally know it was not me. It is his choice to do drugs. It could have been women, or gambling or whatever. But ultimately it was his choice and that choice was over our family. Love yourself and your kids and live.

October 5, 2001
12:52 pm
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Same, get it together, and go get your hair done. The longer you mope the worse it gets, you will sink and sink, so please don't let it happen. Take care of your self.

October 5, 2001
1:48 pm
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jb489
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Same.
Listen to Molly-she has begun to pick me up or at least has made me realize what is so important at times like this is ME and in your case it is YOU,YOU,YOU. You can do it, pull your strength out it is in there. Hang in there.
Michele

October 7, 2001
11:28 pm
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Hi Molly & Michelle,
Thanks. I will. In actual fact, I am going to get my hair done (literally and physically). It makes me smile when I read Molly's post.
Anyway, take care! 🙂

October 8, 2001
10:58 am
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Same,
I agree Molly's posts really make me think and eventually smile a little more. I went shopping Saturday night for some clothes as everything is now hanging on me. I told John that I need to give up for now because I felt he was giving me no other choice. His response was "good that's fine" very calmly-I think it is what he has been trying to do-of course so it would be easier for him. I am starting to focus on me and the girls. I think I may do a retreat "just me" to collect myself and learn about who I am again. I don't think my kids even recognize me anymore. My mother and friends are very worried about me and quite frankly I am beginning to worry as well. I'm having a very hard time eating and sleeping-I'm actually frightened. Wish me luck. Same/Molly wouldn't it be great to meet and just scream out the frustrations and then go on? You two have really made me see what I need to do-thank you. I live in Upstate NY-anywhere near here? catcha later.
Michele

October 8, 2001
1:28 pm
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Molly
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There are so many of us that have supported each other on these threads, that we need to figure out a meeting place, one of these days. I am in Southern California, so coffee is out of the question today.
So, amazing how we get caught up in drama isn't it, so lets create our own. Channel surfing this morning for a war update saw this woman minister, she had three doors behind her, lazy, mediocrety, and excellence.
She suggested that we choose door number three, excellence, in everything that we do, from caretaking of our things, to our business, to our souls, and we shall be rewarded, sounds real easy doesn't it??????

October 8, 2001
6:53 pm
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I think that is the smartest move. Wait to see what will happen. Give yourself a year. You have nothing to loose by waiting.

October 8, 2001
9:40 pm
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Hi Michelle,
Good for you. Keep us posted and take care.

Hi TLJB,
Nice to have someone who supports my decision. Thanks!

October 9, 2001
11:48 am
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am 17 yrs old and i think am codependent. i was speaking with my teacher yesterday and she gave a peice of paper with the word codependent on it, i told her i had never heard that word before; so being the caring teacher that she is she went on the internet and looked it up for me. There was a quiz on there to take to see if you are codependent; so i took it and i stared to realize that all the signs are there for me. now that i know or think i could be codependent i feel i should talk to someone about it and really see what i could do about it because am overwhelmed with the way am towards my friends, people, and my boyfriend am tired of always giving and not receving, i feel that if i do something for my self or i spend my money on me i feel selfish, i must always be careful of what i say because am afraid of what others may think of me. am just looking for someone to talk to and give me advise or to help me become a more independent person instead of mimicing some one else's life.

October 9, 2001
9:36 pm
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Molly
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Go to your local book store, or library, there are shelves and shelves of information. In some ways now that your teacher has helped you this far, I think perhaps a group of girls, if she can get permission from the administration would be a great thing to do. there are groups out there, called CODA, a great place to learn as well.
We women have to be really careful with this co-dependent thing, we are naturally born caretakers. A little selfishness is good. Try being busy with positive things for you, quiet time, art, gardening, writing cooking, or sports. Don't worry about the friends, its sorta hard at your age, because friends are everything, and although all your friends might be, this is no time to get all wrapped up in boys, think College, and explore what you want to be and do with your life. I also think the book the 10 stupid things girls do to screw up their lives is good. Your ok, just getting on track with your personal growth.

October 9, 2001
9:40 pm
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Hi Destiny,
Do you have the website address. It would be good if I can go in and hv a look too.

October 10, 2001
1:17 pm
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Molly
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drirene.com I think is the address of a good site on Codependency.

October 10, 2001
9:05 pm
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Thanks Molly. I will go in and hv a look.

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