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Just need some support and someone to talk to
September 24, 2001
3:51 am
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Same
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Hi,

I just discoved my husband having an affair with his colleague. I discovered it when they just started for a week or so. For these 2 months, I have gone through a lot.
I know and a lot of people also advised that I deserved someone better. However, I have make my decision to give us sometime to see how things go. I have read Hollowman's thread and I hope something good can happen to our relationship too. Meanwhile, I would need someone to talk to and some support to rely on. I know not many people will agree with my decision but I do not want to give up a relationship without at least try to work on it. I know it would hurt like hell and I know I may fall to pieces, but I just cant give up just yet. I am trying to give myself 1 year to see how things go, so meanwhile, would appreciate if someone can just put something in this thread.

September 24, 2001
9:02 am
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Hi,
I am afraid my husband of just one year has found someone as well but he swears he hasn't. I want to believe him but I can't understand why he can go through a day or two or a week without wanting to call me or see me and the kids. (we were both married previously and have 3 kids between us-2 are mine and 1 is his) I understand what you mean about giving your relationship time to work it out, I too want to give him time to figure out that our marriage, friendship and love for eachother is stronger than anything in the world. I was the non listener in our relationship and I think I took him for granted and I so regret every negative word or thought I have ever had he is such a loving giving wonderful man and I am dying inside without him. I support your decision to keep the light on and make things work out--Go For It!! When it works please tell me what to do to get my love back. Good Luck

September 24, 2001
12:03 pm
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Molly
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I really recommend the book Relational Rescue, by Dr. Phil McGraw, it makes you look at you in the relationship, and works on you as a person, as well as a mate.
the love returns with the trust, a catch 22 cycle. I highly recommend that while you both are working on the relationship, that you both focus as well on your independent security, finances. its one thing to be committed to a relationship, but another thing to fall asleep at the wheel, if you get what I am saying. It takes lots of work to break old habits, and a lot of work to forgive, you never really ever forget.

September 24, 2001
12:56 pm
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Molly,
Thanks-I have already purchased that book-but my mind and heart are so broken I'm having such a hard time thinking that things will work out. I am seeing my priest this afternoon and going to codependency group session on Wednesday. I found that listen poem from this site and put it into a letter to John. I know I can't wish my life away but I wish I had seen that poem so long ago-and what is so ironic is that he always begged me to listen and I really didn't hear him. I had so much resentment toward my first husband that I subconsciously hardened myself thinking I would never let another man treat me or my children like he did. You know what John was the husband I had always wanted and because of my fears I blinded myself to see that. I miss him so much and fear that my life with him is over and it scares me to death. I know that time heals all wounds and that what is meant to be will be-but every day that goes by is just one more day closer to the end of my forever happiness. I know that my actions and words can never be taken back or forgotten, but I truly know that I will NEVER make him or our children go back to that kind of life. I want him to believe me and give us another chance. I am so scared.
Michele

September 24, 2001
1:32 pm
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Michele, since you are a woman of faith, where did you put it? Common thoughts are things, and as long as you are painting a picture of doom and gloom, guess what you are going to get!!!! Forgive your self, ok , that is not a question, but a direction. Focus on you being a loving and forgiving person, and it starts with you. You can't undo what you did, gosh and golly, we have all or at least most of us done things that we wish we hadn't. Lighten up on your self, and I am sure that is what the priest is going to say. When I get really scared, I use the serenity prayer, and Hail Marys to clear my head, and shake the boogie man out of there. And guess what it works. Your glass is half full not half empty, remember that, and just keep busy, keep love in your heart, and you can't go wrong. Parts of that book are hard to read because you do have to account for your actions, but think foreward. It takes two, it what ever it was , was not all your fault, but the changes can begin with you, and he is not going to get passionate with some one who is acting out on guilt, so snap to it and let the light shine in, ok?

September 24, 2001
1:40 pm
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I just read some of your other postings, and its one thing to be a raving Bit**, and another to break your vow of marriage by committing adultry. he made a choice, that is not your fault. HE, HE, HE made the choice, get it? It is not your fault.

September 24, 2001
2:53 pm
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Molly,
Thanks for the boost. I know it wasn't just me and that everyone has done or said somethings along the way. I am going to find that love again in my heart I have 2 little girls that need me. I will long for him for a very long time. I saw a freind today when I was at a meeting and he asked how everything was and I told him about my separation and he said to me-"Have faith-my wife and I were separated nearly a year and we began communicating again. I'm not saying it's always wonderful but we are alot better at listening to eachother." I have to believe there is light on the other end of the tunnel it is just so clouded right now. I hope he wouldn't get involved with another woman but I guess that would be his choice. I am going to get stronger and snap out of it eventually, but my heart is hurting so badly to think after all these years (4) his love for me could subside. We promised each other we would walk together for all times and eventually grow old with each other. When we met we both knew what we wanted and needed in a marriage. How could we have lost sight of that. I know my thoughts and words are all scrambled right now but my head is so overwhelmed. As far as the adultry issue I can't prove he is comitting it but I can't put it all together. He and I never were stray people I can't believe that he would. I'm sorry that you have/are going through actually knowing that your husband is having an affair--Just like God and Jesus does forgive I believe we should take his lead. I am not a very religous individual but I am Catholic and I didn't think I had anywhere else to turn. I still don't think he is listening sometimes but maybe by me finding this support site he is. Michele

September 25, 2001
1:05 pm
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Adultry is more than intercourse, its straying in intimate conversation, doing those things saying those things that only married people should share with each other. It takes two to make break, and reconcille. So, keep that focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, strange its there no matter what the outcome. Yes, your girls need you, if your drowning in the pool of self pity then they are being deprived, so snap too. They also need to see a strong woman who has boundry lines, character and integrity, a woman who demands respect, from her partner, and is not a door mat. Its a catch 22, and as they get older they will call you on it in a heart beat. So, be a good role model. Cheer up.

September 25, 2001
2:13 pm
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Molly
I understand what you mean regarding adultry not just being intercourse. I really am trying desperately to focus on the very dim light at the end of the tunnel. I have been more patient and friendly with my kids but that too will take time. Ya see I was the one who didn't give the respect that was warranted time and again. Yes he too was disrespectful but I didn't give him a chance as well. I guess I am drowning in the pool of self pity but after these last 4 weeks have shown me, things have become very crystal clear regarding the hurtful words and actions. God-when I got mad at him feeling he wasn't listening or supporting me the first thing I would do was take my rings off and say "that's it" what a coward I was. He never took his rings off-I was the one who always gave up when I didn't get my way-how wrong I was. He told me on many occasions that he has always been in love with me and that he never lost love in me. Now I think I really have lost him because of my selfish actions. He really is the most gentle, loving giving man I have ever known. I know it sounds like I am making him sound like such a saint but I'm not. I am just saying the truth about him as I knew and fell in love with 4 years ago. He still is the same wonderful person but I was too stubborn to let it shine through in my head/heart. I don't know what happened to me. He told me that he has been following his heart and now he has to follow his head. I think the two are connected because he is not the type of person who would do something without playing it through in his head. Yes we all use and listen to our hearts but we also listen and follow our heads that's just we do. I am so devestated and broken hearted this time is killing me. I realize I have to pull myself together for my daughters and also because I heard somewhere that it is more attractive to have it all together than always showing the "gloomy my life is over" side. I just have to learn to feel those feelings on my own and not so much when he is around. It's just that I don't think he's going to come around any longer. I really lost a wonderful man.--Michele

September 25, 2001
9:38 pm
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Hi Michele,
I understand your feeling. I hope you can talk to your husband and most importantly, show him what you meant. Since you are a woman of faith, pray and believe in GOD. Show your love and keep on loving. This is what I just read this morning in "With GOD, all things are possible" and I am going to do that.
For my case, it is the opposite - I was in your husband's shoes. Believe me, I know how he feels. I believe as long as you are willing to put effort in your marriage, and prove to him that you care and you appreciate him, he will not hesitate to come back to you. Communicate with him (That is one thing we did not do and cause problems to our marriage) and work on it.
Molly is right about adultry is not just sleeping together, it is about their feeling too. I believe my husband did not sleep with the girl but he is (as molly put it) "in intimate conversation, doing those things saying those things that only married people should share with each other."
Good luck to you and have FAITH.

Hi Molly,
By reading from other thread, I noticed that you are a great person who give supports to all the troubled souls all the time and I really appreciate it. Hope you will keep your posting in this thread and GOD blessed a golden heart person like you.

September 26, 2001
2:24 pm
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Dear Same;
I am a little confused when you said that your situation was just the opposite. You said you were in John's shoes and knows how he feels then you said you didn't your husband didn't sleep with the other girl but had the intimate conversations with the girl-can you clarify. I agree that communication is key but he isn't even responding to me he ignores my calls doesn't call when he says he will I am devestated. I am totally flabergasted I can't figure it out. I don't know if there is anything else I can do to show and prove to him how I DO appreciate him and always have and that I TRULY LOVE HIM IMMENSELY!! I think my only choice is to give up something I don't want to do but feel I have to. I can't believe my marriage is over it just doesn't seem possible. I know he loved me and he says he has love for me but isn't in love with me. I don't understand. How do you just fall out of love with someone when you just marry them and have shown such deep beautiful love for 4 consecutive years unconditionally? I am so defeated. I took his pictures down from my desk but I won't take my ring off until I am served with papers. (which I feel I will be getting soon) I just talked to someone I know that works with him and she asked him how things are going and he said they're not and then she asked him well are you trying? to which he replied No I don't want to it's been too much for too long. I can't believe it!!!!
Michele

September 26, 2001
2:27 pm
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Thanks Same, its just paying it foreward, and greatfully this site provides for many in many different ways.

Michele, you are still wearing all the blame, and dahlink.. It takes two.
You must honor the space you were in at the time you felt those triggers, that made you want to toss the towel, and he needed to honor them as well, duh, mutual respect. Recall the situations, sure we all over react, but there is a reason for it. Honor those situations, at least you did not go out and seek comfort from a stranger, so exactly who really needs to repent?????????? No matter what you can't force some on to change their character, so what about him??
Sometimes we wear things we shouldn't like its your fault, with your actions that drove me into the arms or conversation, or bed of another, so only own that yea maybe my mouth got out of controll, maybe I felt threatened, maybe i was a friggin female dog at times, but I didn't break the vows. So, pat your self on your back, make milk and cookies for the kids, and just learn about you. Keep focus on where you want to go with this, and demonstrate that behavior. You are in controll of your brain, and as soon as the doom and gloom of your aches and pain comes, shake your head say your mantra's and be the good woman that you know you are.

September 26, 2001
2:48 pm
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Molly,
I am soooooooooo sad. It's going to be awhile I think before I'll feel up to happiness again. Yeah I'll make the cookies and milk but I am still dying inside. How could he????
He is the one that said that by being apart out of the environment we will be able to work on things it is the only way it will work. So I did what was asked of me and now that I'm out I got kicked right in the teeth.
Frig him

September 26, 2001
10:05 pm
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Hi Michelle,
Well, what I meant is I was the one keep on giving in the relationhsip and my husband when faced with difficulty would be the one who choose to give up. I admit that a relationship must have some problem in order for a 3rd party to have a chance to get in. Ours have problems and my husband chose to run from them. The reason I know they didn't sleep together is because my husband still come home on time or latest 10pm. They just talk a lot on phone and send loving messages to each other. I am not sure whether they do sleep together, but I believe I choose to believe that they didn't. (Sound confusing, isn't it?). I know he is also troubled because his concious is telling him he did something wrong. He admited to me that he is in the wrong and I know he had actually tried to break off with the girl for 3 times (of course not successful if he himself is still confused). He is also fighting within himself as his guilt is eating in him too. Never mind all these. The important thing is I have made up my decision to give us a chance and I will give us 1 year to see how things go. I will pray, I will be patience and loving to him as this is the decision I made. I am not saying that I don't doubt myself and my decision during this period. It is tough!

I think John is just suddenly getting too tired of giving all the time and not being appreciated. Give him time like he had given you before. If he still love you, he will come back to you.
I don't know what else can be done to help you, but you can always post here for our support and we are here to share. Keep looking up and think positively! Believe that with GOD, everything is possible! 🙂

September 26, 2001
11:58 pm
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Another thing, Michelle, I did not take off our wedding ring as well because I believe there is still hope for us and I will not give up. Instead of "me" and "him", I have chosen "us".

September 27, 2001
10:17 am
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Same,
Thanks, I too am not going to give up. I will give him his space and time but living apart is so difficult. I can't understand how two people can work on things when they live 60 miles apart. I didn't want to go but he said that it would be the only way we would have a chance to work on things. Well I and the girls have been out of the house since 9/1 and he hasn't shown any work at all. Yes maybe he is tired of feeling like he was the only giving in the relationship but I gave as well. Yes things got verbally hostile and yes I threw my rings and said STUPID things in a fit of rage but I never meant them and he said he believed me. As I believed and forgave him for mean and horrible things he has ever said. But if at any time I bring up something as an example of things we need to improve on and resolve he always says I'm rehashing. Well excuse me if you don't talk and resolve issues THEY ARE

September 27, 2001
10:19 am
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sorry I hit the wrong key.
To finish what I was saying: If things are not discussed then those issues will again rear their ugly heads and never get better but only worse. He always said "well it will blow over and things would get better"
Yeah, right. They never got better only worse and I was always wrong and REHASHING

September 27, 2001
1:41 pm
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Perhaps your instincts were correct, perhaps he was not as invested as you, perhaps he is blaming it on your words and actions, when we all know there is a reaction to every action. You didn't just toss a fit for no reason, look deeper, and glad to hear your anger, its healthy. There is no way he is working on things 60 miles away, sorry. Read that book, and see where you are or were, and at the same time, you can see where he was or wasn't. Look at what a good marriage takes, and then consider if this was a good marriage, I still say, and have taken off the rings and tossed them my self, there was a good reason I was provoked to that point.We seperated, he left, wouldn't come back, I sold the house and moved, out of town for a year, and he came crawling, I went back to give it a chance, but to be honost, it has been a real struggle, as the foundation sucked, and hasn't changed much, sure we got some of our crap out of the way, but is it a good marriage, no... do I trust no, not most of the time. Am I sorry I came back, well don't go there!!!!! But I am, and always have been true, and a good wife, we are just so different, and should never ever have gotten together. Don't forget it takes two, look and see if codependency is an issue with this, or guilt from the failure of the first marriage, holding you on to the second, I now know that is what kept me here for as long as I was before I left, but when I was appart, I learned so much about me. Leave him alone, if you and kids are out , work on you.

September 27, 2001
9:28 pm
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Michelle, I am so sorry to hear that. Molly is right and you are right about not discussing the problems will only make things worse. That's my husband attitute, to wait for the problems to go away. The fact is problems will not go away by itself. I hope your husband can see that. Apparently he is not working on it as much as you would like to put your effort in.
I dont know what to say and in fact, I myself am in a mess. Well, all I can say is whatever is your decisions, I will give my support. Take care! ((hug))

September 28, 2001
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Thank both you and Molly,
Yes, I now think I'm beginning to get into a real anger mode, but not to give him the satisfaction of seeing me lose it. I saw him yesterday when I went back to the house to get what I think may be the last of my stuff. He showed up and started to talk and when I responded (with some crying and confusion) his response was "I guess I was wrong coming here" to which I said "what were your expectations" and he said he really didn't have any. I know that my only choice right now is to totally control myself as far as calling him. I know that by showing my desperate side it is driving him further away. I went to a codependency group Wednesday and I'm not sure how I felt about it. I told some of my story of course with quite a bit of crying but I got through it. I'm going to take a break for a little while and start smelling the roses with my kids. I need to nurture them more because they are having pain too. Molly-you were right when you said they need an all together mom. They are looking up to me and I think they are going to start calling me on it. Thanks.

September 28, 2001
1:54 pm
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I may not have right to give any advice, but I still want to give it from my experience. I am just like your husband's condition. Unexplectedly I fell in love with an innocent girl. We are additted each other over heated. In the mean time, I love my wife very much too. Sounds like I am sick in mind, but I am just full of love for both of them. The innocent girl is willing to marry me as second wife. The affair is disclosed, and my wife is very disappointed and sad. I know I was wrong in the beginning. You can imagine her anger and reaction. From the way you described your situation is that you seem to take this matter pretty calm. In that case, if you really love your husband, and your husband still treat you nicely. Would you mind to allow your husband marry one more? This way may be good for everyone. Your husband will not have an affair any more. I certain he will be 100% satisfied. I know once this kind of triangle happen, there is no way anyone can go back to normal like before. Right now I and wife and girl are suffering at the same time. I lost myself and don't know what to do.

September 28, 2001
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are you for real dyingsoon? Comments like yours do harm, not good. You CANNOT love your wife if you have treated her this way nor do you love your "innocent" WHAT A SELFISH P8754K

September 28, 2001
2:10 pm
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My previous message is for "Same"

September 28, 2001
2:34 pm
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Skye, you are right. I am very selfish for love. Most my friends comment me as a generous and kind person. I am not greedy for anything but love. I may be sick in mind, but I am just crazy about my wife's and innocent girl's personality. How come I became like this? I ought to see the doctor. Something wrong about me. What should I do? I ageed my wife not to see the innocent girl any more. I saw her yesterday. She is skin and bone. I feel absolutely guilty that I caused her like that. I feel so painful. I should be punished to death what I have hurt the love one and innocent one.

September 28, 2001
2:59 pm
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Dyingsoon,
I think the hurt you caused your wife is awful. I too saw my husband yesterday and his response to my devestation and sense of my dreams shattering said "there is one good thing that came out of this-we got you back to a size 8" How amazing I have always been a size 8 and actually I am much smaller now. How observant he was huh? I understand that men have needs for love--why didn't you just ask or tell your wife what you wanted who knows she may have wanted the same from you. Maybe you need someone to sit and talk with but it isn't this innocent one. It really should be your wife and if not her it should be a person who specializes in issues as this who could help you to cope with your generosity of love. How did you feel on your wedding day about your love for your wife? Did you ever ask your wife regarding her love for you and if she felt satisfied with the amount of love you give/gave her? I know I probably sound like the neglected wife but I understand how your wife feels-it actually is such a hard thing to think that you are inadequate for your husband when all this time he made you feel like he was so happy and satisfied. I'm babbling I know but I was/am just curious. I told my husband via voice mail that I will wait for him when and if he is ready to make things work. I'm not sure I'll hear from him for a while. Good luck to you but I think your wife needs some explanations.
Michele

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