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just lost
August 1, 2005
6:09 pm
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Just Lost
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i have been vacant from here for several days now. things have not gotten better. the divorce is only days away. my wife is totally in love with her new boyfriend.

i met with my new therapist today. here's the bad news. i now understand why my wife left. i am an emotional abuser. i have been my entire adult life. when i looked at the power and control wheel today, i saw every bit of me in it. so now, as homework, i have to write the goodbye letter to my wife. she is gone. she has found a man to treat her right. sad part is that if she had given therapy a chance, i believe we would have made it. after only one hour of counseling, i know where my problems lie. who is to say that in two more months i could have corrected most of them? but i was never given the chance. my wife made her decision without telling me. and of course 'he' was just waiting in the wings for her to leave me.

get counseling folks. its easy to sit here and talk about it but the bottom line is that we all have our own issues that caused a lot of our heartaches. get help before its too late and you lose it all like i have

August 1, 2005
7:19 pm
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Anonymous
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Just Lost, was wondering if you were ok...noticed you hadn't posted in a few days. I can see that you are going thru a very difficult transition. But I am so proud of you for looking inside (no matter how painful that may be), trying to see where YOU contributed to the demise of your marriage, and are gonna DO something about it. My favorite Dr. Phil saying is "You can't change what you don't acknowledge."

Well, my friend, you have just made a HUGE step in the right direction. It is only natural for you to wonder "what if"...what if I had gotten help sooner, what if she hadn't fallen in love with someone else, what if, what if, what if. Well, a very wise person once told me that "What if" does NOT EXIST, so don't even go there!

You're doing great, Just Lost! This part is very painful, but the payoff will be priceless! Hang in there:)

August 1, 2005
7:21 pm
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SoVeryLost
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What do you mean by emmotional abuser, what did you find?

August 1, 2005
8:34 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Just Lost,

I am so proud of you for facing the truth about yourself and admitting that you were abusing your wife emotionally.

I don't know when you and your wife got separated, but it is unhealthy for a partner to seek another another partner right after separation. She is in vulnerable stage and needs healing and anyone in her place is very likely to seek friend to numb the pain she's going thru. But that is wrong!

You also need to heal and grieve the loss of your relationhsip.

Do NOT dwell on What if's - I know that is not easy - keep yourself busy. My personal opinion is: if your wife really values you, she should be patient - not jump into another relaitonship. Marriage is tough and it takes so much patience and perseverance to maintain it from both parties.

I wish you both the best of blessings!

~Love, RAS~

August 1, 2005
9:39 pm
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Just Lost
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she left me in june. by then, she had already become attached to him. he is still married and left his wife in may. within a week of leaving me, she knew she was in love with him. he saw an opening in march that my wife was unhappy and he took advantage of it. he doesnt think he did anything wrong. yesterday she said she waits for the day he tells her he is also divorced so that they can really be together

August 1, 2005
9:41 pm
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Just Lost
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look up the 'power and control wheel' and you will find a description of me

August 1, 2005
10:12 pm
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CAMER
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hi Just, you have alot of courage and strength to admit about emotional abuse, and yes, if only she went to counseling, gosh life would be easier, or would it??? she chose her path, and was easily swept by this other man.....and now for you to work on yourself, you will get stronger, and healthier..and i do wish you the best of luck during these difficult times.

August 1, 2005
10:26 pm
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Rasputin
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JL,

I could not find that thread "Power and control whell." I typed the whole title in the box above, could not get any result. Neither when I tpyed power or control.

Could you bump it up pleas?

August 1, 2005
10:32 pm
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Anonymous
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August 1, 2005
10:35 pm
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Just Lost
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sorry....you'll have to yahoo or google it

August 1, 2005
10:48 pm
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bonita1
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Just took a look at the power and control wheel. I grew up with this then I married it. UGH.

August 1, 2005
10:50 pm
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Just Lost
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so far, the only benefit is that i now know why i did the things i did. i had always wondered why but now i know. my therapist says the good part is that i can change the behaviors and patterns.

August 2, 2005
10:13 am
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2bstrong
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Dear Just Lost,

Been thinking about you. I am glad to hear that you are still in counseling, that shows a really healthy outlook for yourself. I find too that in counseling I've discovered unhealthy behaviors about myself that I have blamed others for using toward me. Congratulations on getting to know yourself better.

Please believe me, I understand how difficult all of this is for you. I have been there, as have many of us here at aac.com. But I have learned so much through all of this. I look forward to having a healthy relationship in the future. Trust that the guilt and regret that you have will pass--keep focusing on you and what you are gaining.

hugs from 2b

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