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Just looking for a little...reassurance or something
September 29, 2005
2:24 pm
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gofigure
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I woke up with so much anxiety this morning it’s driving me nuts. My school starts today and I don’t know how I’m going to do it all and fit it all in. Unfortunately I feel compelled to take a full course load (I’ve been at this too freakin’ long I just need to get done ASAP), I’m working 30+ hours a week, am VP of my kids’ school PTA, participate in girl scouts and do the bulk of things at home and with my daughters. I am also full of anxiety regarding my marriage. My husband and I have come to edge several times, but just before saying “O.K., I’m done” (and sometimes even AFTER saying it) I back down and say I will try again, or try harder of something. The last time I was told I will NOT leave with the kids, he’s not letting them go. What worries me in this vein though is my pot smoking and I’m afraid he would use this against me. That my smoking every night is more detrimental than his using cocaine a couple of times a week. Maybe that’s so, but I don’t think so. I am always available to our girls, he often isn’t. I do things with them (even if it’s just talking) daily, he only occasionally and even then sometimes backs out on them. So my goal is to stop smoking, to tell him to quit bringing any home, because if it’s not there I’m fine. If it is, I seem unable to resist the temptation and the escape it offers. There is something else that goes with this that shames me. He will generally only smoke with me if we have sex. I HATE sex—I mean absolutely hate it (this disturbs me because at 38 I thought I’d be in my prime—think this indicates there is something wrong?). So he will ask me (daily almost) if I “want to smoke a little and fool around”. And guess what I do…I betray myself and do what he wants. And he knows I almost never want to have sex—I’ve told him on numerous occasions, but apparently it doesn’t matter. As long as don’t allow my distaste for intimacy to get in the way of his satisfaction he’s content. I think I’ve got a decent idea of what is wrong with me, but why do I feel incapable of doing anything to fix it—namely getting myself out of a situation I no longer want to be in, a situation that makes me feel as though I am dying a little every day. I am so afraid of saying what I really feel—so when I am asked directly by my husband how I think our marriage is going, I say O.K., he says are you sure, I say yes. How stupid is that? I don’t want to keep pretending, but I am afraid of what my telling him that I am no longer in love with him would do. He believes he can’t live without me, I mean I think he really believes that. How do you tell someone whom you love (platonically) that you are no longer in love with them? But then again how can you not??? I just haven’t been able too say the words and not take them back.

Oh lordy, thanks for letting me go on. I still feel sick, but slightly calmer for having written this.
~go

September 29, 2005
2:37 pm
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lessthanalive
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your relationship doesnt sound like the problam in my opinion. i think when our lives become unmanagable we tend to place blame on physical things we can controll like our relationships with others. not saying you relationship with the hubby is glorious at the moment take a look at those things in your life that are crazy and need help. awareness is the first step to change. if you dont like your life and you know there are things wrong hunny then you have the power to change those things. there are support groups (MA- marijuana annonamous) and councelers and really make a valient effort to make positive changes for you and as things come along and if hubby doesnt want to get well with ya then its time to love yourself enough to say that the relationship is distructive. really educate yourself. look up sights on the internet, read books and larn the benifits of healthy happieness. hang in there. your alive today and youll survive these tough trials. and come out a better woman in the long run.

September 29, 2005
3:27 pm
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kathygy
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Its very important that you be totally honest with your husband. He will survive. You are not doing him any favors by lying to him. In fact the longer you continue to lie to him the more its going to hurt when you do tell him the truth. You owe it to both of you to be honest. You are not responsible for his feelings. He is a grown man and will get through this. He deserves to be with someone who trully loves him and you deserve to be with someone you trully love.

Why do you hate sex? Has it always been this way or is it just with your husband?

It sounds like this marriage is not good for either of you. Why stay?
You deserve happiness and your daughter deserves a happy mother. The more you love yourself the more love you'll have to give to your daughter.

love,
kathy

September 29, 2005
3:53 pm
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gofigure
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Thanks Alive and Kathy.
I know you're right Kathy--I am not doing either of us any favors by not being honest. I have tried on several occassions to tell him how I feel: that I feel dead inside, that I am unhappy, uncomfortable, that I didn't know if I wanted to still be married to him, that I didn't know if I loved him anymore. All that and each time I spoke to him he managed to get me to agree to try again.

September 29, 2005
4:33 pm
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gofigure
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As far as sex goes, I used to like it just fine. But our history includes alcoholism (his) and drug abuse (ours) and with those things came sexual...disfunction. After years of this I started feeling as though I could be any female body--as long as it satisfied his raging, drug-induced libido. Sobering up (nearly 7 yrs. ago) helped but then I discovered that he had discovered internet porn and my self-esteem suffered. I talked to him about how the P made me feel, all to no avail. Now he says he's done with the P, but I don't think so--it's just less frequent. In addition to all of this has been numerous job changes, financial difficulties, leaving all the home and child responsibilities to me and on top of THAT, so much of what comes out of his mouth is sexual innuendo--from comments to how good I look in those pants, to "copping a feel" and saying "mmmmm", to asking again and again if I want to "fool around tonight", to touching me when we're in bed when we clearly agreed to JUST cuddling. Over time, these things built up and I became less and less interested in sex, until I am usually repulsed by any kind of intimate touch. One thing I find especially irritating are the times when we do have sex and I really don't want to, but after a time (this only happenes occasionally) my body betrays me and it starts to feel good. I get so mad at myself when this happens.

Alot of words to say why sex makes me shudder!

Thanks,

~go

September 29, 2005
4:42 pm
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taj64
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for some, sex is just that sex, like brushing your teeth, part of the routine, a stress reliever. I also read somewhere that the more dysfunctional a relationship is, that some people have more sex because it is the only area where they can communicate and release tension.

September 30, 2005
9:31 am
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gofigure
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I'm bumping this up despite the fact that I feel as though I'm sort of begging for some insight, but...oh well, I'm doing it anyway.

I did want to say Alive, it's true that my schedule is overwhelming to me, but my marriage has been in trouble for well over a year--I suspect the pot smoking, while I do enjoy it immensely is more of a symptom than the main problem. I'm not minimizing it, I know it's got to stop, but realizing that work and school are the only places I really feel comfortable (my stomach starts clenching every time I drive home) illustrates to me that home, ie marriage, IS a problem.

September 30, 2005
10:31 am
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gayle
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Maybe he feels as long as you are having sex with him then everything is ok. He will ask you is everything ok and you say yeah and he asks again to confirm and then sex is the test to see if its true. You can say no, its your body and you are not required to have sex if you don't want to or be touched if you don't want to be touched. Its your choice. Possibly, if you tell him no and refuse his advances then you will both be forced to look a little deeper at what is actually going on. Expect him to get mad b/c he will b/c he won't be getting his way. Sleep on the couch to get away if you have to, it took me awhile to just tell him no, I made excuses to stay up late so I would end up falling asleep on the couch or in the recliner. Finally I got brave enough to answer his question and told him NO and I don't love you and I don't want to have sex with you and I don't even want you to tough me. It was hard to do, so hard but I did it and I am better for it. He eventually moved out and I have our children. Clean your self up, get off of the pot, figure out what you want and go for it!

September 30, 2005
2:06 pm
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kathygy
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gofigure,

You say you told your husband the following:

I have tried on several occassions to tell him how I feel: that I feel dead inside, that I am unhappy, uncomfortable, that I didn't know if I wanted to still be married to him, that I didn't know if I loved him anymore. (fact is you do know that you don't love him anymore, fact is you do know you don't want to stay in the marriage)

As you have said here:

getting myself out of a situation I no longer want to be in...I am no longer in love with him.

You are not being totally honest with him which is exactly what you need to do. Tell him the truth that you no longer love with him not this stuff of saying 'I don't know if...'
when you do know.

As you have said you are abandoning yourself every minute you stay in this marriage and everytime you have sex with your husband. Show yourself that you love yourself more than anything else and stop abandoning yourself. Think of your daughter. Do you want her to learn that it is O.K. to abandon herself. Would you want your daughter to have sex if she hates it?

love,
kathy

September 30, 2005
3:26 pm
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gofigure
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Thank you Gayle and Kathy. I will do my absolute best to be brave...it may take me a little bit--hard to let go of 38 years of stuffing, but it is time. And you're right, I don't want my daughters to use this relationship as an example of what should be, and if that's the only relationship they see... They are worth more than that, and I might just be figuring out that I am too.

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts. First step--stop smoking!

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