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Just like old times...
November 14, 2001
3:33 pm
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1dvsgirl
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September 24, 2010
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When I first found this web page I was desperately trying to make an important decision about my life and whether to continue my relationship with my fellow codependent. I left and have stayed out of contact while he has attempted to put the pieces back together again. I thought I was OK enough to finally see him. We decided on neutral surroundings which meant coffee in a cafe we used to frequent. Coffee turned into lunch which then turned into a walk around Greenlake (in the rain) and then into dinner and back to his place to watch videos. It was like old times (before the flood) and it was all the things I missed. We talked about all the things that we went through without all the blame and anger but with an adult "this is what happened and why" attitude. We laughed and joked and cried and it was great. He is doing great now that he is sober and admits that it is still a fight everyday to stay that way. When I got up to leave it was so hard to say goodbye again. He told me it was late and I could just stay - on the couch if that made me feel more comfortable. I just said I had to go, gave him a hug and left. He called me to say thank you the next day. We both know we still love each other. My mind has been overthinking everything since then. I know I did the right thing by leaving, and I know it's too soon to know if he is going to stay sober for good but I just feel like saying "never" isn't the right answer either. I guess I just need a little head check - emotion check or something....

November 14, 2001
4:03 pm
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Ladeska
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Trying to remember all the bad stuff now...refresh me on "how life was before" and try not to feel guilty writing it.... speaking of reality - have to look at this first before commenting...and also - why did he decide to get sober?

November 15, 2001
2:16 pm
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1dvsgirl
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Ladeska - my original thread was "Codependent seeking like for destructive relationship" Remebering the bad stuff isn't hard - it's what is keeping my head somewhat where it belongs. I loved the sober times and even the times when we would go out with friends and have a few drinks. I got tired of the drunk daze he was in. He would drink all day while I was at work and have problems being normal when I got home. Jealousy over my lack of time with him always took a huge precedence when he was drunk. I know no one can ever be supportive enough or do enough in the eyes of an alcoholic. When I finally left he didn't try to stop me, just said that he knew I had to go. There was none of the yelling accusationary fighting that usually characterizes these break-ups. I have kept my distance, saw their shows since incognito and sent a letter of support and his favorite coffee when he did his 30 day sobriety speech at his AA group because I wasn't ready for the face to face yet. His decision to get sober was a result of him taking a good long look at his life and all he had lost and instead of blaming it on everything else around him, finally taking responsibility for his actions and admitting the role that alcohol has played. He began this sober struggle right after we broke up, which was surprising because his usual reaction would have been a 5-7 day drinking binge. When we talked the other night he said that me leaving when he knew how much I still loved him was a wake up call. He has spent the last few months talking with his counselor and his sponser working through all this. He claims that although my leaving was a catalyst it is not the reason he is sober and determined to stay that way. He hasn't made any overt overtures for a reconciliation with me. He seems committed to his program. He claims that he could no longer walk through life hurting people and himself over his problems and that he is learning a lot of new coping techniques besides hitting a bottle until he is numb and it doesn't matter. We were friends before we dated and that is part of what we revisited the other night. Obviously there is a certain amount of "tension" because we do still love each other and quite frankly were very happy "before the flood". I am too old to hang my hat on the HOPE that his sobriety is real and lasting, but I still cannot bring myself to say never. What I can say never to is being with him if he chooses to drink again. I'm still fighting to find that line between being a caring person and being codependent. I know when I'm way past it and I don't want to go there again. I always think about everyway a situation can play out before I make a decision, but am very guilty of overthinking situations. Like I said I think I just need a head/emotion check from an outside source.....Blondie - Thanks for the comment and the hope, understandably I am scared to hold onto that. You're words are encouraging and very much appreciated:-)

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