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just found out the truth-it really hurts!!
November 5, 2001
3:35 pm
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jb489
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I originally was on the just need support thread early in September and received alot of support-Thank you.
Well, during that time I had suspected that my husband may have found someone else but was reassured by him that he would never do that and that he didn't have the energy well, what a fool I was- He and I decided to seperate 9/1 and continue with marriage counseling but he had another "friend" helping him. I found out this past friday by a card I came upon from this girl he was seeing. I found the phone bill with her phone number on it just 9 days after I moved out (his idea of course that it would be the only way we would be able to work on things). I was breathless literally, I hyperventilated and couldn't even think straight. I confronted him and he was as cool as could be stating "I met her on a bike run (Harley bike ride) and we started riding together as friends. He kissed, held and touched her yet swears he didn't have intercourse with her. (He swore he wasn't seeing anyone either while WE were going to counselling) what a liar!!! He states he didn't commit adultery I don't agree--isn't that what Clinton said too???
uughh what a heavy sick feeling I have inside me. I am so many emotions right now but I am trying to stay focused on my 2 kids and my job right now. I don't even know him anymore-he has grown a full beard and mustache as well as starting smoking. I can't believe this-it has to be a midlife crisis of some sort. I don't think I could ever overcome this. I tried everything to get our marriage back together EVERYTHING! How do I get the heaviness to lift? I hate this feeling-Molly are you out there?? Do you remember me? I told his mother yesterday and she feels absolutely horrible and agrees that I did everything I could she actually said that I did more than she would have done. This girl is a single mother of 5 year old twin boys, hairdresser never been married and rides her own Harley. She lives in a real trashy area. This is so out of character for him something must have snapped. I am flabbergasted and numb. Any advice?
Michele

November 5, 2001
3:55 pm
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Cici
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Let go. You mention how he has changed so much, you don't recognize him. I guess I'm saying what my favorite psychologist once said, "The only thing anyone ever really owns in this world is their ability to choose their own attitude in any given set of circumstances."

He's a grown-up - responsible for himself and his own decisions. If he wants to make stupid choices he has to be accountable for those choices. As much as we would would like the people around us to make certain choices, we have no control over their actions.

That's the thing. With little kids, when they act out, parents will try to teach them the appropriate way to express their feelings rather than being destructive. But with adults, no one can teach them or instruct them. We all make our way in life and as adults we must choose whether to grow and develop as individuals or whether to stagnate and fear growth. He has chosen to stagnate. You should choose to grow - do something that is meaningful to you and I guarantee you will slowly but surely feel better about yourself, life, and this situation.

November 5, 2001
4:39 pm
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Molly
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Here I am. I am so sorry, I know just how ya feel. See threads, ugh ugh March,1999. So, I speak from experience, LET HIM GO. Now dry your tears, and call the lawyer, protect your self, and your children. Do, not sit at home!!!! Get some structure, and social involvement, NOW. Do not communicate with him, phone e-mail, or written especially in person. go through the lawyer. Remember he didn't do this just to you,he did it to you and the kids, remember what his mother said, you did more than most. and he would have done it to any one, and he will do it again, and again, and again. His character is out there shining for you to see. I don't care what he says, what he does, what he tries or tried to do, it ain't gonna change. I fell for it, don't repeat my mistake please, it just gets harder, and you get more tired. He knows your buttons, he knows what you'll take, and he most likely thinks he can get you back in a heart beat. As you show your resistance and stregnth, you become more of a challenge, and he will maybe look at it as a game, and you will loose if you engage. Right this moment your in a state of shock, and its gonna turn to self pity, and some anger, so get some support, but don't give this guy any more chances. Please, so stop all the joint accounts, yada yada yada, get your hair done, go work out at the gym, but keep busy and keep focused. It hurts, a hard lesson, but please please don't go back for more.

November 5, 2001
4:55 pm
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jb489
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You are absolutely right. I will not allow myself to fall into that trap. I just hope that I can stop the overwhelming flood of emotions from coming in. He made his bed and he will lie in it alone. (at least without me) He does know my buttons but ya know what so do I and I will be stronger than him he knows I can be and when I am which will be very soon he won't know what hit him.
Good luck to him he lost not me.
I am a good person and unfortunately let him get the best of me these last 2 1/2 months. I'll have the last laugh that's for sure.
Thanks you guys really are a great support-thank God for all of you you are my strength right now. Thanks again.

November 5, 2001
5:31 pm
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Ladeska
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Well, well, well, let's just toast the happy little couple, shall we? What a pig. Her, too. I'd move away from him so fast it would make his head spin around. So, he's gonna wear leather now, shave his head, tatoo his arms and walk around like he's got a corncob stuck up his butt. So attractive, isn't it? Real men - don't have to do that crap.

Let him go? I wouldn't even claim I ever knew him. They just can't help themselves, can they? WhatEVER. At the very least, he could have been - honest with you. I'm doing a fling, having a mid-life crisis, don't want to be with you anymore, etc., etc. - basically - let's split. But no, he was extremely dishonest, disrespectful and basically expects you to believe his B.S.

You deserve more than this. I wouldn't even act like I knew him and I mean that - most sincerely. Apathy would be the emotion and I'd have plenty of it for him.

November 5, 2001
6:18 pm
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Molly
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You just be sure to hang on to that , I ain't gonna let any one f*** with me attitued, ya hear, don't even slip one little bit. Don't think ahhhhh he is the father, he will take care of the kids, ahhhhh all the years stuff, its emotional crap, that gets in the way of war, which your in right now, until you get that final decree. Go for the juglar, go for the max, no custody, no can I come over and see the kids, no nada, zero, and if the kids need to see Dad, and you trust his mother, then supervised by you and his mom. But heck he didn't think about them when he split, so get the lawyer, and use him to sheild you against Mr. Corn cob up his butt in leather.

November 5, 2001
6:33 pm
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Ladeska
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I think we go wrong as women alot of times and men, too, actually - is when we don't slam down the hammer - when it needs to be slammed. It's usually way back when before all the talks, before all the engaging with them, trying this, trying that. We need to recognize alot EARLIER when it's not okay and then call it and not feel guilty about it.

It's like we don't acknowledge what is really a nasty offense until they have drug us through the mud about 20 times asking the whole time - why can't I understand, blah, blah, blah.

Well, a snake is a snake, not sure what there is to "understand". The first sign of that - we need to go - I'll give you about 30 seconds to explain and it had better be good. And whatever you tell me - I will need confirmation from another source (reliable one) besides you. But, you have more than enough to slam the hammer, so let it rip.

November 6, 2001
9:46 am
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artist 2
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I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL... and i have felt like a fool for so long too with my boyfriend. When you know he lied - and did it so well, you wonder how you yourself could have been so blind and naive. There's nothing wrong with you, it's him! You are not at fault for wanting to love him and save the marriage. He is for losing someone who cares so much...

Hope you can work through it. It really hurts I know it.

November 6, 2001
10:47 am
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Ladeska
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Artist 2 - People who are pathological liars - are good at it. I think it gives them quite the power trip - that they can "fool you". I think we get into trouble when we keep supposing or hoping that - we can apply our template or code for morality and conscience to them....when in all reality - what we respect and adhere to - they consider weakness.

To trust, to love, to be truthful isn't something they consider - worth their time. At some point in their lives they gave all that up in exchange for - the big con game.

They very much count on the fact that you will come alongside them and want to save them from themselves. They count on the fact that you will pity them, pull out the wonderful things in them and be their little cheerleader.. And they rather despise you for it secretly. But, that doesn't keep them from using you....in fact, that makes it all the more - easy.

What hangs us up with a person like this is our own ego. We think we are "all that", that we can change them, that they will become whatever because - we love them. And we keep waltsing with them because we really won't accept the fact that - they conned us. Our pride and ego keep that from happening. How could we have been so blind and stupid?

But, at some point we have to realize what happened and just say Hey, they were good at, that's for sure. Fooled me and people like that fool very bright people - every day - with no problem whatsoever.

We just have to take it in the gut, cut the strings, become wiser for it and get the hell away from them like - yesterday. Enough with trying to find out why and if there is anything else we could have done, blah, blah, blah. That all points to ego again trying desperately to "win".

Staying in close proximity to a liar never accomplishes anything, escept to pull you down farther and farther. I'd like to see people let go of their ego long enough to have some wisdom and to realize at some point - winning - is walking away.

November 6, 2001
12:03 pm
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Molly
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I think the truth was always out there, its just that we put so much damn effort into hiding from it, knocks us on our butts, when we finally process it. And when we do, its never gentle. The longer and harder we tried to hide from it, the more painful the acknowledgement. Just like prolonging the workout. We know we need to exercise, and the longer we put it off, the harder it is on us, and the longer it takes to regain stregnth. Emotions, trust, and psychological well being is no different from physical well being, its usually just alot more fun to get fat, than it is being a co-dependent nut case. We humans just are so lazy, and just like our physical state slips so does our mental and emotional state. Hmm wonder if the two are connected? Duh! I guess you can tell I just got back from yoga can't you, yes every thing hurts.

November 7, 2001
2:08 pm
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pg lova
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jb489,

I know your pain, believe me I do. I was with this girl for 2 1/2 years during the course of this time, we discussed marriage, and we did a lot of things together. Then, she began acting like a total jerk and I just took it. This was despite the fact that my family kept encouraging me to leave stating that she was "doing me wrong." Everytime I asked her for a justification about why she was doing what she did, she always had an answer. I did everything and took every possible step to work through our problems and she would go along and let me think the problem was solved. Then, she would keep doing what she did. It hit me hard in the face when she just walked out of my life. I felt like the fool and you stated earlier that you felt the same way. But do you know who the real fool is? It's your husband and my ex-girlfriend. They are the fools because they lost out on wonderful people like you and me. I agree with every1 who has posted, kick him to the curb. Don't let him back in your life, then that'll hit him so hard in the face, he'll fall. Trust me, I know, my ex kept telling me she still wanted to maintain a friendship even after how wrong she did me. Do you know what I did? I returned none of her calls, I basically exiled her from my life. Just recently she e-mailed me back trying to find out why I had exiled her? Simple, I don't want her no more and I'm doing just fine, in fact better without her in my life, I'm a bachelor once more and loving every minute of it! So, I encourage you, it's going to be all right. I know it hurts right now but trust me afterwhile, it'll stop hurting and you'll feel like me, about my ex. And ask yourelf this, do you really want him? I don't know your belief, but the bible says "Cast not thy pearls to swine." You are the pearls, do you really want to waste them on that swine? I didn't think so. Get rid of him he means you no good.

November 7, 2001
2:46 pm
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Pg-lova....I cracked up when I read the part about she wanted to know "why"? Amazing isn't how perky they get when you "dismiss them"? It's like - now you have their attention all of a sudden. And it's not what most people think. It's not really about - they care.... It's about their narcissism. They hate to be the one - dismissed. And they want to know why so they can combat you and try to walk away with some form of ego boost once again. When everything isn't about them - then they go into a spin. Bummer. The sooner we can identify these people in our lives and "dismiss" them, the better. They deserve an explanation either. I only strive anymore with people who matter. With those that deserve an explanation, that it will either help them in the future or if we could remain friends. That's usually not the case and these other people just don't freaking deserve an answer or explanation or computer printout about anything. They've lost that right to you - sharing. And whatever we need to do in order to snap out of the guilt trip - we need to do. All this codependent crap of....they are feeling bad - then I have to wipe their nose - is total B.S. They made their bed - let them lie in it.

November 7, 2001
2:46 pm
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jb489
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Thank all of you. Because of you I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It is hard to let go but I am slowly and surely. I never in a million years thought this would ever happen to us. Oh well it did-lesson learned. I just hate the fact that my children are hurting. Even though John wasn't their biological father he was their "Dad" and they adored him. Shame on him for abadoning them. I have contemplated what I would do if he got his act together, whether I would take him back or be his friend-I don't think I am strong enough to do either. Exilation seems to be the only solution here. Ya see John always had a Harley so that isn't new to him/us. He wasn't all geared up with it though until May of 2000 when he bought his brothers Fat Boy and sold his smaller bike. Then the biking took off. I actually enjoyed riding with him. But when he would get around his friends he turned into this crude, sarcastic arrogant person. Unbelievable. He and I are both RN's and he is a clean cut guy with a fairly good job. But lately he has been slacking according to my best friend who works with him. He has developed this "who gives a [email protected]*# attitude and looks like hell. I feel real bad for his 12 year old son. Probably not getting any direction at all. Amazing how life deals people the hands we get. Someone told me "that which does not kill you makes you stronger" I am getting stronger but have my weak moments. As far as being a single mom-well it's tough but I am thankful I have a wonderful job and career and am able to support my children and their needs well. pg lova-you sound like a nice guy-I guess women aren't the only ones who get the boot and feel horrible. Thanks for the boost. Garbage night is tomorrow night I think I will be adding quite a bit of garbage to the curb.
Thanks!!!! Michele

November 7, 2001
3:05 pm
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Molly
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Michele, You mentioned the single mom thing, and weren't you really before he left? I know it seems like he may have taken some pressure off you, but did he really? Its hard to say if he was a father figure or not, while I was in the middle of it all, I thought my guy was, and learned different once I got away, its a good thing, fill those trash cans up.

November 7, 2001
4:16 pm
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jb489
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Actually, John was a wonderful father to my girls they absolutely adore(d) him. My job has me travel a little and he was always there to pick up the pieces. Actually the kids listened to him more than me I was always the pushover and gave in alot. About the travel part of my job-John assured me that my job was never a factor in our marital demise. But then again He reassured me that the separation was just to work things out and that we wouldn't be over. HUHH. When I took my job I took it after talking and discussing all the features of it with John. I don't travel that much. I did when I first started and I hated it. I especially hate it now. I love my job and have to do what I need to to remain successful at what I do especially now that there is only one income. I know I can't blame myself for my job when we both decided it was a great opportunity for our future. How was I suppose to know our future just meant the girls and I. Sorry I was starting to feel bad again for some stupid reason. Oh well. I have to go home and sort the trash.

November 7, 2001
4:49 pm
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Molly
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I know the big pile of crap is so much easier to see, but you have exactly what I need, a good paying job, and the grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it. I would love to travel, sure I would most likely get tired of it, and with 2 girls at home its a stress maker all right. Sorry about the assumption, but hard to see the committment when they just walk away. It will get smoother, it will.

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