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Just figuring out I'm codependent
October 1, 2009
1:01 pm
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Lady_Rider
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Hi. I am just figuring out I am codependent on my husband. I asked him for a separation back on July 5th and I am still at home and he has not intention on leaving. I have 3 kids with him, and I am so lonely. I have given all of me to this marriage and feel like I get nothing in return. I know that "happiness" is an emotion which can change every day. I want to figure out what makes me happy, but I am lost as to how do I do it.
A little history: We have been together for almost 16 years. I left an abusive situation and fell for my hubby less than 7 months later. We moved in together, I got pregnant less than a year later, and we were married when our daughter was 6 weeks old. I have suffered abuse in my past (sexual) and have lived with suicidal depression for many years. I have always been there for my husband and 3 kids. I homeschooled them for many years and finally put them in public school when I decided to go back myself. I asked him to help me (take the kids on the weekend to the park, fishing, something!) so I can do my work. He has yet to do that after 2 years of me going to school. I have not asserted myself, just said that it would have to work out somehow. It hasnt. When I asked him for the separation, it was freeing! But, then it didn't happen. He refused to move out and I just did not have the money to go. Now, I have the money, but I am scared. I cannot live like this anymore, but I am afraid that leaving will make me more depressed and that I will give into him again and move back. He says that if I go, then we are through forever. We have tried marriage counseling but he only went twice. He said that he would not go back because I have my mind set on leaving. I do and I don't. I have been in counseling since I started school (our college provides free personal counseling to its students) and my counselor said that I need to make a decision and just go with it. I have made the decision but the closer the date draws near, the more scared I get. I have a home to move into with our kids, but I feel like I am going to hurt them worse if I leave, and maybe hurt them if I stay. What will my daughter's think? Will my son grow up to be like his dad? Will my daughter's be destined to be controlled and intimidated by their husbands? What do I do? I am confused, hurt, and very lonely.
Any and all advice will be welcomed. I just need a solution. If anyone else has a similar situation, please let me know.
Oh, one of our biggest arguments stems from the fact that he never spends time with us as a family. Friends need help, well, he is there. I ask him to go with us fishing or to the beach, and he says that he doesn't like to. I try to get him to do things with us that involves the things he likes to do, and well, there is something else that pops up more important. This was the main reason for me wanting to leave: the kids not having a dad around even though he is there. And forget showing me affection. It just is not there and I have been tempted to find it elsewhere, if you know what I mean.

October 1, 2009
6:25 pm
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StronginHim77
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This man wants "status quo." He is unwilling to get into counseling (and remain in it!). He does not give your children the attention they deserve and require. He is not attentive or kind to you.

What's holding you back?

1. Hire a divorce attorney. Follow his/her advisement on getting hubby out of the residence (or you moving out with the kids, etc.). DO NOT MOVE, until you consult an attorney.

2. Get into counseling for YOURSELF. You need alot of encouragement right now. You DO see the truth about this man's selfishness and unwillingness to change, but you are afraid to leave him. Counseling will help you learn WHY you are still there with him and help you gain the understanding and strength to take better care of yourself.

3. The kids will be just fine...probably better. You will be alot happier without him around. That will definitely rub off on the kids. Also, they will not be learning unhealthy family dynamics at their daddy's knee, so to speak.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

Oh...nearly forgot. Above all else, do NOT enter into another relationship, until you have left this one, seen the ink dry on your final divorce papers and given yourself a year or so to learn to live happily without a man in your life. And stay in counseling.

- Ma Strong

October 1, 2009
8:37 pm
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trainwreck
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Lady Rider
I see a lot of issues here. First the abuse issue. I don't know if this has been addressed. If it has not and you can't move towards a healthy and reasonable conclusion all else will fail. So maybe start there amd put some kind of conclusion to it. You won't do it by yourself. I would be sucicidal to if I was abused. These issues must be addressed and you must be selfish and start taking care of you mental health and personality. Get consekling and a lot of it till you are happy and confident with yourself. Your husband does sound like a selfish oaf but he dosen't abuse you overtly from what you say but is just an idiot who has no idea how fragile you are right now. Your mental health needs to be the number one issue right now so get help and get better and then if he dosen't want to get conseling you get it so you can deal with it whether he wants to or not. I'm not so sure you want a divorce and since you were in such a fragile condition your marraige was screwed up from scratch. So the question here is when you are in a clear and positive frame of mind and truly love your self first and after proper counseling then evaluate your marriage. You state you had a lot of counseling but I see you have a lot of doubts you need to address. Your state of mind is first and the rest will fall into place. You need to be strong for your self so you can be strong for you kids. See a psycologist now. Not a part time conseler.

October 5, 2009
12:17 am
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Lady_Rider
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Well, I am moving out this weekend. I have a friend that will let me live in his house while he moves into his RV. (He is moving around a lot now with his new job and really would like the house to be rented to someone he knows.) My son is getting into constant trouble around here because of another little boy. This other boy is only 4 years old, wanders the neighborhood alone, and hits all the kids with sticks and bottles. He is never supervised at all! His mom came up here today yelling at me that she was going to kick my a** b/c my son hit this little boy back after he had been hitting my son (who is 12). I have had to chase that boy away many times from my yard for the same reason. Now, she wants to fight me, and so does a couple of other women in the neighborhood b/c of what my son did. (These women are all hooked on crack, too, but I am not. I am the only straight one!) I told my husband that I am moving out now for necessity but I still have to find what will make me happy in my life. He is not too happy. I gave him the choice of leaving and taking our son with him so the girls and I would be able to stay here. Well, there was no response. So, I am taking all three kids and moving out. Too much drama in the neighborhood and it is going straight down the tubes, anyhow. I don't want to be here and I have been looking for a sign, something that would tell me that I must leave. After that incident today with the crack whore, I am sure that my sign has been provided! I will not get into another relationship for a long time, and I doubt seriously that I will get married ever again. I just want to find me, and make me happy again. I have not been happy for many years now and I do believe that I deserve some kind of happiness in my life. I just wish that things worked out differently.

October 5, 2009
8:44 pm
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trainwreck
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Wow, No You Didn't
That was like a hammer on the head. The issues here are beyond comprehension. Were just getting to what we thought was the issue then the neighborhood from hell comes up. Sounds like you bit off way more than you barganed for. First things first and that is stabilty and peace of mind. Getting a stable home and neighborhood would be a good start. Keep in mind you have a long way to go and try to keep focued and together as I got to believe you are going thru hell right now. This is no time to stop getting all the help you can so do it.

October 9, 2009
2:18 pm
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Lady_Rider
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lol. Yes, there are more issues even now that cannot be told! I am just trying to get a hold of me and hope the rest will work its way out. I will do what needs to be done, but the codependency is what is bothering me the most right now.

October 10, 2009
1:10 pm
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slowandsteady
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I just figured out that I'm co-dependent, too. I've heard the term for years, but never got around to learning what it actually meant. When I did a little "research" into it, it was like I was writing my own autobiography.

It sounds to me like you need to head for the hills and not look back. Believe me, I know how much easier said than done that is -- hence, the name I gave myself to post on this site. It sounds like your moving out will take care of two problems: 1) the toxic neighborhood you live in, and 2) the toxic person you live with. Of course, moving out the neighborhood will definitely take care of the first problem; the second one is going to take longer, because you have children with this man, and by necessity, you'll have to maintain contact with him -- certainly until the divorce is final, and likely thereafter if you share custody of your kids.

One thing that has helped me is to think of the advice I would give a friend if she were in my position. I have divorced my husband -- an alcoholic and expert manipulator -- but he keeps coming around, trying to re-establish our relationship, I keep giving into him....I have a lot of progress to make. But I have taken care of the legal issues -- specifically the financial entanglement with him, so I no longer have to worry about him completely destroying me in that regard. Divorcing your husband will take care of some of the legal issues for you as well -- but unfortunately, the emotional ones will take longer. And all of us wish that our relationships had turned out differently -- but it's maintaining that hope that keeps us co-dependent, rather than facing reality. Good luck!

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