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Just discovering my condition
May 28, 2006
12:08 pm
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inplainview_invisible
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hello all, i'm new to the site and am desparate to find some direction. I have been in a serious relationship for about 10 years now and am just now realizing that my partnership may be based on all the wrong things. I'm the one that seems passive all the time and my partner is the one that seems to be in control. He calls it his spirit of boldness, but I just call it a power trip. I'm not even sure where to start with it all, I just know that my problems aren't him, they stem from me and blaming him is just an easy out. My assertiveness is nil, and I don't know how to start getting it back or at all! I feel that if I start to take the things that I want in life, then I'd be no better than all the selfish people that don't acknowledge others' feelings. How can you balance getting what you need without hurting those around you or coming across as self-centered?

May 28, 2006
12:13 pm
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on my way
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Hi and welcome here to aac.

Sounds as if you have thought long and hard about this, and you know you may need something different.

But i think the place to start is with this person you care about. By now you could probably take these needs to him and discuss them? It will not be your fault if someone is hurt because you expressed your needs or your thoughts. Part of a good relationship is being able to have that open communication without being judged after 10 yrs for how you feel. The dynamics of your relationship may have worked 10 yrs ago, but they obviously do not work now, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

May 28, 2006
12:17 pm
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That does sound like a good place to start, but I have a lot of fear. That makes me feel pretty weak too. I don't even know how to approach the subject without making it into an ordeal...in the past, it's been very close to us breaking up, but I've begged, pleaded, and said whatever I could to get him to stay, now I feel like I did the wrong thing and should just let him go. At least I feel that way sometimes!
I'm sure you know how it goes, some days are good, some are bad, but I have a constant fear of him. Wow! I never really thought of me being afraid of my own partner enough that I couldn't talk to him!

May 28, 2006
12:24 pm
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on my way
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Are you afraid of him? Is he rude, violent? or are you afraid of being rejected by him?

I understand I think, your concept of feeling weak if you express a negative feeling...as if, "Hey I can handle that, or hey i can handle you...no problem!!!)...but that is a lie. And you can't live a lie. And it isn't only unfair to you, but to him as well. Fear makes people weak...sharing yourself, makes you strong, and sharing even the weaknesses makes the relationship strong as it breeds intimacy. If not, then you will at least have your answer.

May 28, 2006
1:31 pm
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inplainview_invisible
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Actually, the times that I have confronted him about things that have been a negative to me, I meet with a lot of resistance. It's almost as if he can see no wrong in the things that he does. I have to wait and catch him in just the "right" mood to approach him about anything, at least that's the way it has been lately. My big concern is how am I going to start empowering myself to go for the things that are important to me. I feel like it's a daily struggle to maintain myself and still try to keep peace in the relationship. At times I really feel like my only out is to leave him and to just focus on myself. Here's the big clincher: he's very sick and I feel like if I were to leave then something bad would happen to him. Is it right to turn your back on someone in need to deal with your own needs?

May 28, 2006
3:06 pm
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Hello, there, Inplainview. What is he sick with?

May 28, 2006
3:25 pm
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StronginHim77
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Inplainview -

We cannot stay with someone, simply because they are sick, unless you are married and taken a vow "in sickness and in health." Are you married? If not, you are at liberty to leave. Presumably, he has family too. Also, anyone who is highly controlling and emotionally manipulative/abusive toward their significant other (S/O) does not DESERVE to have that loving, caring S/O around during tough times. They need a hefty dose of "consequences," (i.e., if you mistreat someone, they LEAVE).

Otherwise, they will never change. And it sounds as if your partner needs some serious change in the areas of respecting, honoring and nurturing YOU, the woman who cares about him.

These are just my thoughts. The bottom line is that each of us must do whatever we feel comfortable with and can HANDLE. You may not be ready to confront him, let alone even consider leaving him. But you sound as if the emotional strain and lack of emotional "safety" with your partner are beginning to take a toll and reach an unbearable level. So, at least keep posting here, so that you can vent and so that you can receive the genuine caring and support of friends who have walked in your shoes. Each one of us is struggling, in his or her own way, to break free of unhealthy relationship patterns and take positive steps towards happier, emotionally stronger & healthier lives. We share our successes AND our failures and set-backs. So, feel free to "unload," without fear of being judging or "lectured," OK?

You are welcome here!

- Strong

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