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Just come back out of hospital AGAIN!!!
July 21, 2005
2:08 pm
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cryptic
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September 24, 2010
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im sooo fed up of hospitals. A pin slipped (a pin holding my leg togather) when i was trying to walk to ive had to have another operation (grrrr). Im so fed up of hospitals and doctors now.
Its my 15th birthday on wednesday and i miss my mum and brother sooo much. We had booked tickets for a 3 day music festival for next weekened, the tickets just came. I can't go with out her, i want her so much. She can't have left me.
Im now having nightmares and panic attcks all the time, they're killing me. but i want to have the nightmares cos i see my mum and harry. Im scared ill forget what they look like.
Im stuk in bed now and all i can do is think about the car crash. I feel as though im falling apart. It should have been me dead, harry was the 1 who wanted to sit in the front seat! He would have handled this better than me.
My dad is now not talking to me at all. Kates (step mum) probably happy my mums dead, she hated her. She was always bitchin about her behind her back. I know my mum, she would have NEVER done the things kate says she has.
Lucy and Carrie (step sisters) are just getting on with their lives. I knwo i should be too but i hate them for it. They cant have 4gotten about them soo soon.
sorry to go on. im just soo confused. I feel as though im falling apart, i want all this to end. I want my mum, harry was always a pain in the ass but he would have died for me, and he did. I miss him so much,
thx for listening.
jess

July 21, 2005
2:23 pm
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kathygy
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cryptic, I am so sorry you are suffering. I'm sure it is a huge loss to loose both your mother and brother at the same time and then your father not speaking to you on top of it all. Is he blaming you? Its not your fault if he is. That's another loss. It doesn't sound like you have a source of support which is very important at a time like this. It also sounds like your having survival guilt when you say it should have been you. But it wasn't. You deserve to be alive and well. Who are you living with? I think a support group could be very helpful to you. You will get support here but you need it out there too. You are worth it. Write here as often as you feel the need.

love,
kathy

July 21, 2005
3:22 pm
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thewall
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Cryptic,

Sweetie, I am so sorry for you loosing your mom and brother. I lost my mom 3yrs ago too and it is one of the hardest things I have had to go thru.

And I'm sorry for your own physical pain and for your dad being a jerk.
I will be thinking about you on your bday. I know your mom remembers it too. You just cant see her, and I know you wish you could. I wish I could bring her back for you.

There is a websight that has been so helpful to me. go to
webhealing.com, then click on discussions.

happy bday and get well soon

thewall

July 21, 2005
3:42 pm
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cryptic
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thx for your messages. I know my dad blames me, he was always much closer to my brother so i understand him prefering harry because they were both boys so they could understand each other.

I go to a counciler, though i don't find it much good. I like it moer for a reason to get out of the house and i get to just relax.

I live with my dad, step mum and her two daughters (who are 12 and 15).
Thx for the birthday wishes and the website.
-jess

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