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August 22, 2001
1:06 pm
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INTELLIGENCE TEST

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

August 22, 2001
1:51 pm
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sue2001
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love it ..... thanks for the smile...

August 22, 2001
2:01 pm
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sue2001
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did any one hear about that car dealership in oregon that sold 7 cars in one day to the same person at an escalted price...... the poor man that bought the cars had alzhiemers and had forgotten that he had already bought one..of course someone stepped in and now the dealership has to pay back the money plus 120,000 in restitution....the company tried to say that a different sales person got him each time and that no one knew that he was the same guy that had been there ALL DAY .. it is not funny but it did get a little chuckle out of me not for the poor guys demise just that they would think it would fly.... 🙂 have a good day all
SUE

August 22, 2001
11:11 pm
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stardreamer
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Thank God for smart women!!!!

August 29, 2001
2:51 pm
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A friend sent this to me today - thought I'd pass it along!

GOOD ADVICE -

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have time for it, or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched Jeopardy on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can't. I'm so busy!" Does this sound familiar?

"I have clothes in the washer."
"My hair is dirty."
"I wish I had known yesterday,"
"I had a late breakfast".
"It looks like rain".
And my personal favorite: "It's Monday".

She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect: We'll go back and visit the Grandparents when we get Stevie toilet trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating, as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to", "I plan on" and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my hips with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process.

The other day, I stopped the car and bought a double-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to ...not something on your SHOULD DO list.

September 7, 2001
5:44 pm
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Hi everyone - I'm still out here lurking about.

The following is for the guys in the audience. In 25 years of marriage I've experienced them all! Believe me, THEY'RE TRUE!!!

Secrets of Women's Language

"Fine" - This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes" - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so they feel that it's an even trade.

"Nothing" - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, backwards, or all three. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) - This means, "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

(Loud Sigh) - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

(Soft Sigh) - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh !" - This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN (do not walk) to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows, "Go ahead", followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

"That's Okay" - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow and "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do" - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

"Thanks" - The woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome".

"Thanks A Lot!!" - This is very different to "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot!!" when she is REALLY ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing" followed by .…………………….....

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