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just checking in is dusty here?
January 24, 2005
5:49 pm
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ILSILS
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how are ya girl?
wondering how your weekend went
has that man made a decission yet,
or have you?

January 24, 2005
6:54 pm
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dustygirl
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Thanks for checking in - I haven't been online all weekend.

We talked AGAIN Friday night as I noticed Wednesday night and Thursday night we were together and things were getting too comfortable again. I don't want that as then he won't deal with anything and I'll just get smacked down again as I will think that everything is fine.

He still is confused. He can't really explain it as he has deep feelings for me but there are allot of feelings there that he can't quite come to terms with. I understand it as he was with her for over 30 years and has children and a history with her, but I also think he just wants his cake and dessert and ....

I told him that I can't go on like this anymore and that my nerves are out of control. He understands, but I guess he can't be rushed so it's really all up to me and my decision. I can't seem to let go, but I am hurting so bad knowing that if his wife were to call and say lets reconcile - he would go. I really think he's just waiting for that phone call.

I really need to learn to love myself and know that I will be okay without this man. He's just using me until other options open up.

I hurt so bad and am constantly worrying about whether tonight will be the night he tells me he needs time away from me to figure things out. I have brought that up a few times as I know I influence him in the decision process - and I know it would be in my best interest and his to back off - I just am so afraid that I won't be able to handle it.

Oh well, as you can see, things are the same here. How are you doing? Are you hanging tough? I have missed being here and chatting with you -

I will write more when I get home from my couselling appt tonight. I have been with my b/f for the last 5 nights and tonight I am alone - I HATE IT!

January 25, 2005
1:04 pm
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ILSILS
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im doing ok today i suppose,
things are kindof weird with the hubby,
he gave me an ultimatum this weekend that i live with him or consider the relationship over, well i didnt take to an ultematum very well, told him my plans to move in with my buddy were still on, even though i am afraid.
i havnt been feeling to good, and i cant remember when i was supposed to start my period, i thought it was supposed to be a couple days ago. man what a big deal that would be,
i took a preg. test but just like when i was preg. w/ my daughter it shows up more like an absence of a line then a line. so im frightened to death today. we were allwayse very carefull, i mean she is two now and we havnt gotten preg. once so we must have been doing something right.
grrrrr....feeling anxious and scared.
he also isnt calling as much, i think he is getting the upper hand a little thinking and knowing that if he avoids me its going to make me call/visa versa. wish it wasnt like that though,
wish we could meet more on common grounds.
well, good chatting-
talk to ya soon

January 25, 2005
3:20 pm
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dustygirl
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Hi -hope your feeling better as the day goes on. Any news on another test? You might want to take another one tonight just to ease your mind.

My evening was terrible. My b/f didn't call me until after 11:30 which he's NEVER done. He went to dinner with his wife, but don't understand why he didn't call b/4 hand.

I asked if they talked about reconciling at all and he said that she said she didn't realize how unhappy she was in the marriage and is in a good point in her life now and they talked about divorce for half the the time. They were at dinner for 5 hours. Makes me wonder what they were really doing.

He apologized for not calling but didn't say why - I know he knew I would worry, but it was just fucking inconsiderate of him.

He wants me to come see him tonight, but I am really angry. I can see why his wife doesn't want him back - if that's actually true -

Sorry again for venting - I really hope you are okay today. Don't fall for the ultimatum - continue to do what's best for YOU - sounds like he's not willing to give or see your side of it.

January 25, 2005
3:49 pm
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ILSILS
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dusty,
i hope you find the strength not to go,
im sorry but a dinner for five hours means they had alot more to talk about,
and the fact that he didnt call you before hand meant he was probably so excited to go see her he didnt even think to call,
i hate sounding abrasive, but from the outside looking in, its exactly how it is
i thought that was what was probably going on. damn it sucks so much
hey id like to consider myself your friend, so consider this
hey would you drive all the way to texas to see me, and then when i decide i want another friend for the time being and totally blow you off, then whenever im not getting what i want from my other friend, would you be here for me and drive to texas again, oh and by the way im not going to call you untill 11:00 to ask you to come the next day?
if you wouldnt do it for me
then why do it for him?

January 25, 2005
3:51 pm
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ILSILS
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you now it in your heart dusty, its a matter of taking the plunge into the unknown that scares you.
lets go plunging dusty
you in?

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