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Just can't remain happy?
January 8, 2007
10:58 am
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caraway
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I have really been taking an honest look at my life since the New Year started, and I don't like what I see.

I get into a realtionship and get everything from the person that I thought would make me happy and satisfied and then I am suddenly unhappy. I start to find fault in them and carry resentments from things that happened as we were learning each other.

I am really fearful that I am becoming one of those strange people that I have always noticed. One of those people who just can't be satisfied, who is rigid and irritable. I am controling and get my feelings hurt when my partner slips just a bit. I basically set the bait and wait for him to fail, so that I can say, "see, I told you this would never work."

I fear that I will eventully push everyone away and find that more often than not, I would rather be alone and just not make the effort to be social. I get so uncomfortable now when someone compliments me and make excuses when someone says something good. It makes me feel like I haven't worked out enough, that I am not handsome enough, that I should lose or gain more weight, etc.

I feel sort of hopeless right now.

Cary

January 8, 2007
1:15 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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cary,

have you done any type of counseling or considered taking any anti-depressants?

it's not a one size fits all solution.

But I know the feelings you speak of all too well.

And I am floundering a bit with a new relationship. Part of me is so hypervigilant that I can't relax and just go with the flow...I am constantly trying to control the outcome.

but back when I was really hitting rock bottom, I found that I needed therapy and a low dose anti-depressant.

it really helped me "stabilize" the swinging high to low.

and it helped me see the realities that were before me, so I could judge if there was a good reason for my insecurities or if it was just "old stuff" that needed working out in therapy.

if you haven't tried either, I suggest trying them...start with therapy...then go from there.

I know how you feel, I just don't know that there is any real way out, other than seeing a professional about it.

I did coda meetings too...and read alot of self help books. but in the end, found that no matter how much "knowledge" I had, some days I could not talk myself out of the way I was feeling...and there was no outside reason why I should be feeling that way....it was like I couldn't win.

therapy helped me see when those days were "justifiable" and when they were just plain "internal" and once I could see that, i realized I needed the anti depressant.

and it really did help me feel pure joy for the first time in my life and when I got sad, I got sad, but didn't STAY sad...I got thru it easier.

January 8, 2007
1:26 pm
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caraway
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rising,

Thanks. It sounds like you know where I am coming from. I agree that counseling can/does help, I had just hoped that I was past that.

I am 42 years old now and the thought of fighting these old demons for the rest of my life is just overwhelming. I am embarrassed to go back. I haven't seen anyone in over a year now and would not want to start all over with someone new.

I am tired of this struggle, tired of working on the same thing over and over again, (I can hear myself, I sound like a big baby!)

Cary

January 8, 2007
6:48 pm
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mj
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I don't think you sound like a big baby. I hear you sharing your vulnerbility and working on getting open and honest. It took us years to become who we are today. Be Patient with yourself. The struggle will quit being as big of struggle when you deal with your issues. On days like these, maybe you need to be gentle with yourself.

January 9, 2007
4:34 pm
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caraway
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mj,

Thanks!

Cary

January 9, 2007
4:46 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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Cary,

I am 35...and ya know...if I need to see a therapist, I need to see one.

It sucks starting over, but you are in a different spot now...you are AWARE of the issues...so you aren't really starting over from scratch.

and a new therapist may shed new light on things...give you new skills to work on.

my mom is 50 plus...and she was messing with her meds thinking "I don't want to be on them for life..."....but honestly, after going to many different doctors, they all told her the same thing...you GOTTA.

So, now she is resigned to the fact that it's a lifelong thing...kind of like taking insulin for diabetes.

You are VERY YOUNG in fact, and you have so many years ahead of you...why not spend them HAPPY instead of miserable?

If it works, don't change it.

January 9, 2007
5:17 pm
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MzKitty
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caraway,

Trust me I'm no professional at this, I am very new to my recovery, but I did want to point one thing out to you, and that would be your negative self talk. I am working on my self-esteem right now, and reading a wonderful book that explains the hows and whys of our lives and how we react to situations, and people. One of my biggest problems is my negative self talk. In your post you say that you sound like a cry baby. No you really don’t. If you don’t talk about what is bothering you, or get those feelings out, then how do you expect to fix them. I struggle with some of the same exact things that you talked about in your post, and I’m finding that the more positive I try to be (and trust me it is work to be positive for me), the better I feel about myself and my circumstances. You also say that you are afraid of becoming one of those strange people. I’m not sure what you think is strange, but I do understand your not wanting to be unhappy any longer. It sounds to me like to really need to address your fears weather it be through counseling, reading or whatever, and then maybe you will be able to overcome them in order to have a healthy relationship.

January 10, 2007
10:58 am
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caraway
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MZKitty,

What book are you reading? I am the king of negative self-talk. There is a therapist in my area who addresses that as a central issue for most folks. http://www.bluephd.com/biog.html Dr. Richard Blue. Maybe I need to read some of his info.

To me "strange" is becoming one of those people who see things differently than most. It is almost as if my filter is changing and I am taking offense to more that people say and do. I am becoming more argumentative, less patient, more aggressive. Not me.

Cary

January 10, 2007
11:17 am
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MzKitty
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Hi again Cary,

I am reading "Claiming your Self Esteem" by Carolyn M. Ball. Excellent book. If you get the book, I HOPE that you can get out of it what I am. I am the type of person that usually sits down in the evening and reads a chapter then put the book down and go to bed. This book, I can only read 2 o 3 pages, then I find myslef writing in my journal that I am keeping. I is helping me find ways to handle such things as anger, anxiety, fear, and the big one for me low self-esteem and negative self talk. I have had a few things happen to me within the past few weeks that have given me so much hope and encouragement for my future and mainly it is because of what I am learning about myself in this book. I am more confident within myself, and feel much better. I know I still have a ways to go, but I know I'm on the right path because I am learning and applying the things that I've learned from this book.

I'll look up the web site that you posted to me. I find myself that the more I feed my mind with positive thoughts the more I want to read and learn. And the major bonus to this, it is helping with my children, and I can't ask for anything greater than that. Trust me, everything you posted in your message that I responded to, I feel too, pushing people away, finding fault in people, then pushing them away, feeling irritable about the littlest things. And because of this book, and the work that I am doing within myself, things are improving by leaps and bounds for me! I only hope and pray that anyone I encourage to buy this book can get the same from it that I am.

Please feel free to post to me more, I am willing to listen and encourage as much as possible. Good luck to you, and know that just by talking about these things is a positive and powerful thing!

January 10, 2007
11:39 am
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caraway
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MzKitty,

Thanks. I would like to keep up the conversation and maybe use some actual examples, as they happen, to get some feedback.

I just don't want to become and angry and bitter person.

Cary

January 10, 2007
11:58 am
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MzKitty
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cary,

Just my opinion, you aren't going to become an angry bitter person! Why? Because you recognize that you have some things that you need to address, and are willing to work at it! You'll be just fine!

January 12, 2007
2:43 pm
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MzKitty
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Cary,
just checin in to see if you've looked up the book I told you about?

January 12, 2007
3:42 pm
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caraway
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MzKitty,

Thanks for checking, I plan to go to this weekend and check it out. I am sure that it can only help.

How are things with you?

Cary

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