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Just blind
March 12, 2010
3:01 pm
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chuckles
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Well, the weekend came and went with no progress or anything for that matter. I am so sick of this, it's maddening. There's only so much you can do to get things off your mind during the workweek and then comes the damn weekend, where I now have to go through this crap again! Staying up until 3 in the morning waiting for her to come home, cause I can't sleep and my mind is going a hundred miles an hour. Will it be tonight or tomorrow? Anyone want to place bets??? Your guess is as good as mine!

I'm trying to find a support group, with no luck just yet. Any ideas out there? Very few in my area. I'm such an idiot and should just get the hell out of dodge, before I go completely insane. Just another day in paridise!!!

March 12, 2010
3:07 pm
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Chuckles, you are the one who posted about your wife.....last week I think.......She's the one hanging out with her new found friends right??

So what did happen last weekend?? did you have a chance to tt her?? and what or what not did she say??

March 12, 2010
3:46 pm
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chuckles
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Basically I got the cold shoulder all weekend, except when she was at work or out. She did offer to let me know when it would be couples, when they go out, if that happens to be the case. She said it's usually just the girls or no couples. It just seemed as if she was telling me what I wanted to hear to shut me up. I tried and tried, over the entire weekend, to talk (Not yell or get adversarial) to her about the whole thing and she just seemed to not be interested. When I could get a response out of her, it seemed to be rehearsed and thought out previously to simply shut me down.

She did say again, she would be going out on regular intervals (every other weekend, specifically the ones she does not work) to "have fun" alone, without me being allowed to come along. She told me, I need to talk to a counselor if it bothers me, it's not her problem. She is quick to get agitated each and every time we did try to talk, although she did not ask me even one time so I was the one who asked each time. I think I am at the point where I have to realize the situation for what it is, and start preparing to move on somehow. All I know is I am really unable to concentrate for long periods of time because my mind is so intent on thinking about this and what I may have done to get to where I am right now. I keep drawing a blank. I've spoke to friends (Both male and female, 25 to 62, married and single) and seem to be getting the same response, which is she is either having an affair now or will be in the very near future, or she is having issues with something else in her life that she will not talk to me about. Either way, I'm screwed because it's not typical or usual for a married couple to handle things like this (Is what the jury's opinion amounts to).

March 12, 2010
3:55 pm
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this is a tough one, cuz she is not communicating very well with you....so to speak. I mean, you are her husband and she doesn't seem to care what you think, she cares more about herself.

You don't know if she is cheating, and i am sure you are wondering though, cuz it may or may not be true. And yeah, maybe she is going thru some mid life crisis, and needs to get out,............you both have 5 kids right??? maybe she is tired of the same ol' stuff and needs change, but unfort. she doesn't do things with YOU and that is a red flag........why wouldn't she want to??? makes you think something is just not right, and talking to her doesn't help.

Would you be willing to seek out counseling yourself, maybe a professional can give you better insight on what to do next.

Life is too short, i hate to see you wondering and drawing blanks, when the person (your wife) should be communicating much better with you, she either wants to be with you or not.....

March 12, 2010
4:08 pm
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chuckles
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Yeah Cramer, I hear you. I really don't think, or want to think anything has happened yet, but the writing is on the wall and I think it's just a matter of time given how she is responding and treating me. I'm just torn right now on wither I should just leave, while I work this out for me, or stay, which is just making things worse as each day goes by knowing she doesn't want anything to do with me. I am struggling wither to go to her step father who raised her, as that might just sned her over the edge and completely bring it to an end. What do you think? Her mom would be of no help, only because she has already voiced her opinion, "She's just going out with friends, you should be happy for her". I don't think she has the full story, as she believes it's just once in a while and with her sister, not every other weekend.

I am looking for a counselor or support group right now. I'm just not sure what kind or type to look for. I still have not heard back from the place I called. This is my vent, if you will, for now.

Thanks for communicating with me, it's very much appreciated.

March 12, 2010
6:02 pm
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for counselors, i basically found out I was codependent, and tt counselors about why I choose the men I choose, and alot of my history....its great cuz a good counselor will help you, and understand you and ask questions and try to figure out a solution. I mean, you could go to local Coda meetings for free, there is good insight there.......but with counselors, I know I told them deep dark secrets I've had all circulating around why when I was growing up how I wanted to just be loved, and what not, and chose any man for that role.

Why not tt her stepdad, you have that right.....maybe you can find out more about her and what not, and even if she does find out, so what??....and if it does bring things to the edge, then there was something that was wrong from the start anyways, not just tt to the stepdad.

Keep venting here, you can get lotsa support and I think "getting things out there" (well, for me) helps clear up my mind, and doesn't keep things bottled up and brewing in myself, if that makes sense.

((camer)))

March 12, 2010
9:33 pm
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fantas
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Do something for you other than wait for her.I would even go as far as to say, send the kids to grandma's and go on an outta town trip. They might appreciate the peace. She has told you exactly how she feels and what she wants. Hang in there!!

March 12, 2010
9:59 pm
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Hi Chuckles,

I am sorry you are having to deal with so much. I can relate in that when my ex and I lived together he would do the same thing to me and he made me feel completely f'ing crazy for thinking the way I did. He was an alcoholic though and everytime he left I belived him when he said he would be home early. Sometimes he never came home until the next afternoon. I was in such denial. Anyways i know my sob story will not help you but you are right in thinking something is up since she will not let you go with her. My ex never let me go with him either. I felt like there was something wrong with me and that he was ashamed of me. I took it personally and that is how i thought of myself. I horrible person. Anyways I really hope you find a counselor or support group or some way to communicate with your wife. To me it sounds like she is being very selfish and my heart goes out to you b/c i know what it is like to sit home while your lover is out doing things and you don't know what and you can't go along.

ON counselors. Does your insurance have a program for them? With my insurance I just called a number and told them what i was looking for and they gave me the most referred one. So far it is helping.

Good luck and keep posting and venting. There are plenty of people with great advice on here.

March 13, 2010
7:50 am
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Chuckles, I watched this happen and can almost give you a play by play. It is time to stop worrying about her and focus on yourself and taking care of you. She is outta there.

Bitsy

March 13, 2010
8:21 am
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(((Chuckles)))

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I don't know what is going on with you wife and I don't want it to seem like I am able to shed any light into the truth of your situation but I do have a different perspective to offer.

Your situation sounds similar in many ways to my situation a few years ago, except I was in your wife's position.

I had been with my husband for 15 years. He felt he was the perfect husband and in many ways he is a great guy who from his perspective did all a husband should do for his wife. For some women what he did would have been fine. I am a survivor of abuse, something I hid for years. He was very sexually active and didn't realize that he triggered flashbacks and emotional distress everytime we were intimate. I wasn't able to tell him and when I did try to tell him he got upset with me because after almost 10 years it couldn't just be coming up now. He felt that it was so long ago and he was so good to me that I should have gotten over it by now. So then I bottled it up until the anger and resentment grew so strong I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed space. I still loved him, but I needed to be away from him to heal and figure things out.

I started going off on my own, and really just being alone was all I wanted. I had a few girlfriends I would sometimes visit but they even wore on my nerves after a while.

The big difference between our situations here is I did tell him what I was doing and what was happening. He then demaded to know the details of my abuse and prove it had happened, at that point I didn't have details to give and was tormented by the way he demanded it. I wrote several letters begging him to let me be alone for a while but just wait and give me time. I was going to heal but I couldn't be with him, especially not on an intimate level. He accused me of having an affair, which was horrible because sex with anyone was the furthest thing on my to do list.

We even went to marriage counseling but he gave me 4 months to be on my own and figure things out and be back with him on an intimate level. I just couldn't so he got a girlfriend and we divorced.

So what I'm trying to share here is that there are many reasons she might need away. I know my husband felt that I didn't communicate with him during the final year of our marriage and that my letters and long discussions were just manipulations to get out of having sex. He felt it was because I was interested in another man.

The tragedy of it all was that he moved on with his life and left the marriage because he felt I had done that already. What he never realized was that I really just needed time ALONE to work out some very serious issues that only I could solve alone. That I was doing that so I could return to him a better person who was able to be part of a relationship.

It very well could be she is having an affair, but look closely to see if you are missing any signs that she is just needing away.

Will she go to marriage counseling? or even individual counseling?

I think you going to counseling is also good. Regardless of how this turns out, you will need support to get through this.

March 13, 2010
11:11 am
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atalose
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I agree with fantas, do something, anything for YOU ther then wait for her. She has told you exactly how she feels and what her future plans will be, most of which don’t include you or your feelings.

I wouldn’t go talk to her step father, that’s another form of trying to control her via incorporating someone else. She is an adult woman not a child being scolded by her parents for behavior that is not acceptable to YOU.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 13, 2010
6:14 pm
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chuckles
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Well. To say I am seriously in the dumps would be an understatement! I still have not found any kind of group to go to, even if it's to just sit there and listen. I'm really feel like I'm going to explode. I started working out again at home 3 weeks ago and it does help a little with the wanting to let my anger out on something. But it doesn't help with the turmoil in my mind and that damn feeling in my stomache. She is going out tonight again, with her 25 year old friend (Girl) she works with. We talked today for a little bit because she doesn't work this weekend. She said she is going to make plans for us both to go out, with her sister and brother in law(Both in their mid 20s) . Although she didn't say when or where just yet. Again, I think it may just be to shut me up. I tried emailing her sister about 2 weeks ago, to talk, and she just blew me off and didn't want to get involved. I guess I'll have to wait and see waht comes of it. I did talk to a relative who frequents one of the places she claims to go and he was of the opinion that she would be out of place, given her age. That everyone who goes there is in their 20s or early 30s. When I asked him to explain he said, it would be like him going to an underage club. That kinda makes me feel sad for her in a way.

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to put some comments about this, as it is helpful, and makes me feel good (?), knowing this has happened to others or is not out of the norm.

March 13, 2010
6:18 pm
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CAMER
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chuckles, it sounds like she wants to regain her youth....and yeah, there are clubs out there, when i was younger in my 20's and seeing 40 somethings there....thought it was weird. Heck, at clubs or wherever she goes, maybe she is getting the attention that she wants....but its not good attention....if you know what i mean......Just let her do her thing, and may someday she have the communication with you.....i think the going out with 20 somethings will get old for her quick, considering she is not 20 something.

March 13, 2010
6:43 pm
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chuckles
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Camer

I made a comment to her this morning when she was getting out of bed, I happened to be getting something out of my dresser when she woke, she looked like she was 70 something. It was comical. I said, Boy these nights out are realing taking a toll on your body. Her response to me was, I'm just tired. My relative said the same thing to me about it getting old quick and that she may end up not wanting to go to alot of these places for too long, because of the things people say about her. He did say they do talk about the outcasts, wither they are too old or wierd, and don't care if the people they are talking about hear them. I got a little upset with him about it and he quickly said he is not one of those people. None the less, I agree with you the attention she is looking for may be the demise of our relationship and it most likely will happen at some time. I guess I can only hope it does not.

I did call the father in law, but dodged the questions I wanted to ask and just talked about work and such. Not sure if it would be helpful or give me any kind of insight that would be helpful. My wife is the type that can turn things on and off, with the blink of an eye. She is really adament about doing thsi and has made it perfectly clear if I don't like it I can go pound sand or leave. She has changed in such a way it's hard to explain. It's the kind of change one would expect to see over the period of years, not months. I tried explaining that to her and she just said "I am not doing anything different", when in fact she is doing everything different when it comes to how she interacts with me. From the way she looks at me, to the way she talks to me and all the other things we all take foir granted after 12 years. Its all different. I want to believe there's still something there and eventually it will pass, but there's the gut and mind telling me, it will only continue and eventually turn out bad.

Trying to keep my chin up but I know later tonight I will be having those awfull thoughts and fellings of just ending it all, because I have no answers to all the damn things rolling around in my mind.

I need to eat or I'm gonna pass out.

March 13, 2010
6:54 pm
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go eat chuckles.....i think on one of your past posts, others said YOU should keep busy, you should go out and make plans, be with friends and have fun.....that way you take on your own life. Worrying about her will not help, just add desmise. She will do what she wants, so maybe let her. Eventually though, it will get old.

I know when i was in my 20's i'd party all the time, stay up to 2, 3, 4 or 5am and have fun, when you get older....so doesn't your body, and eventually she will tire from partying, going out late, etc, the body will take its toll, I know i can't party till wee hours of the am anymore, plus I don't want to, heck I am in my 40's and enjoy a nice nite of rest, rejuvinate the bod.

It seems out of your hands now. Just try to keep the focus on you, and less on her. If the marriage is meant to be, it will work its way out, and yes, it does take 2, and hopefully she will participate in keeping the marriage, and communicationg with you, if not....then you know YOU tried your best.

Either way i wish you luck & support.

March 13, 2010
6:59 pm
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Did you ever cheat on her? She sounds angry to me bout something here, like she is getting revenge on you for something....that is vibe I get from reading this, could be way off base or something too, is she pissed bout something?

March 14, 2010
6:16 pm
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chuckles
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Never cheated in my life. And I do agree with your vibe that she is pissed off. I think I need to just get the f out of this place and see if that helps. It's just getting to be too much, each and every day.

March 15, 2010
6:26 pm
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chuckles
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So, I'm snooping around the bills and things and what do I find? A business card of a person, who apparently does not have any liscenses anywhere in the state or even the local twp. Not sure if I want to call this person or just let it go and call it a day. It's kinda wierd though, thsi person is in the same line of work as me, go figure. Oh yeah, found it in a cable bill envelope, which I never would even think about looking at, let alone paying, as she does all the bills. This was at her computer station, which no one else uses. I figured either I or someone else walk up and she just threw it in there because there's no way it could have gotten there by mistake. Strange also that the address for this person is real close to her work and one of the places she frequents.

So give it to me. What do you think I should do? Part of me wants to confront her about it and the other part says just trun around and walk away because it's not worth the time or pain. Or, do I confront the person about how or why my wife would have his business card hiding in her papers around the computer?

March 15, 2010
10:37 pm
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My two cents... do not confront the owner of the business card. This issue is between you and your wife. Dragging a third party into it is going to get you focusing on that person, essentially letting your wife off the hook, and it's not going to fix the problem long term. If something non-kosher is going on with this person, believe me, he's dispensable, and as soon as you think you've got that guy licked, another one will pop up.

This has got to be a very tough time for you. I am sorry.

March 16, 2010
5:17 pm
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i too, would just tt the wife, and ask her to be honest.....(not that she will) but obviously something is going on. I'd leave the other person with the business card out of it, cuz he probably has no idea she is married (if she is seeing this guy).....just be upfront with her and hopefully she can be honest instead of playing the games and not dealing with the cold hard facts.

good luck!

March 17, 2010
5:05 pm
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Hi chuckles.

I've been reading your thread and some things should be looked at.

What are they? You mentioned you have 5 kids over the course of 12 yrs. That's a lot of children. Was your wife the primary care giver, stay at home or did she work also? Who did the majority of the household duties including child care? Did she ever go out during that time or did you spend ALL your time together? Did all your activites and outings involve the kids and or relatives?

Do you BOTH have outside outlets and or social activities?

What are your expectations of a wife?

There is a 12 yr history that led up to this point. Let us know what that is so we can really help.

What i see you posting is almost obsessive about her Bi-weekend jaunts.You're filled with suspicion, fear and seem totally obsessed about her going out every OTHER weekend. That one night out takes over your mind the whole week it seems.

Are you both involved with the kids now or is this issue of her going out spilling into every other aspect of your marriage and family life? I mean do you have family dinners, or time, during the week and communicate well otherwise?

I don't see anything wrong with a spouse having their own interests. It's healthy to not be so absorbed in eachother. Perhaps her going out to bars isn't the best choice, but it sounds like she's acting out of frustration. Sounds like she wants the compnay of friends and to have fun. Did you ever do that before together?

Why should I assume she's doing something bad ( cheating) just because all you write about is her biweekly outings? Lot's missing here.

Sorry. That's coming from a place of insecurity. Fear based thinking has bad results.

It will drive you apart. Is that what you want?

Thing is, chuckles, things do not stay the same with most marriages. Not if they're healthy. There are stages especially when there are children involved. Young children take almost all your time, energy and income. When they become more independent, through school, their teens, usually parents start to think about their needs a bit. They put that energy into doing their own thing.

I will give it to you. You're spying, wanting to contact people close to her, wanting to contact this man on the business card comes across as very possesive, manipulative and controlling. I suspect this behaviour isn't new with you. Deal with your and her issues. Continue acting like this and the marriage will disolve eventually. It's about the 2 of you not anyone else.

If I were you, and i really cared for and loved my spouse I would take responsibility for my part, what happened that led up to this, and if i was responsible for a part in driving my spouse away, then I would change.

Change is not always bad.

What is the change stemming from?

People with some semblance of self esteem don't like to be controled, constantly monitered, guilted, manipulated or have their freedom taken away.

Trust is what keeps marriages together along with both partners taking responsibility for their failures and admitting them.

I've been with the same man for almost 15 yrs now, and I do go out occasionally without him as he does without me. We trust eachother and spend most of our time together. All the more reason to have our own outlets and activities. Plus i put everything into raising my son. ONLY ONE! He is an adult now so I realized, "hey! I can do what I want now, I can take up the hobbies i let go, socialize with my friends, have soem FREEDOM!!!YEAY!" I can't imagine what raising 5 kids would be like.

I think I would look for some relief from the duties myself and i am.

Why aren't YOU paying attention to your social life and/or interests?

You keep avoiding that issue when posters bring it up here.

What is this "blindness" really about?

March 18, 2010
8:33 am
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And then MsG shows up with a healthy dose of reality.

Bitsy

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