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Just another day in Paradise! NOT!!!!!
November 1, 2007
3:29 pm
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wasabi
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Well I'm so tires of it all!
I'm tring to have a quite day, never a dull moment!
My oldest son is in the hospital again!
He is Bipolar...... I will never be free of him I guess. I said to my other children ages 18 & 15 what happens to him.....25yr.old when I'm no longer able to help him or old & need help myself how will do this crap..........they said They would take care of him! How sweet there are there for me & him! Of course my husband will not go to the hospital at all,not even for a family meeting! I get to go alone tomorrow Cool! I tried to back off & let him do his thing & stay out of his life......And here we are again starting over !
My husband use to fight with me about helping him & still does sometimes !
But now I just be silent or say I will be there for my children until I die if you don't like it tuff!

Last night I went to see him alone ! it is so lonley I do so much alone & I told my husband I was lonley & he laught at me!
He just does not get it!
He will not even go to marriage counciling.Not him I'm the problem didn't know! He tells me to go with my NEXT man!
I'm so tired.......I must go to the hospital tomorrow for a meeting with his councilor & Doctor.....fun in Paradise!
I say that because we live well on the out side but .........it's cold & emptey on the inside! Some have said to me or my husband just how good I have it......ooooh lucky me!

They have no idea how painful it is here in my big house alone most of the time!And how hard I work to keep things together in our family & buis. & get tons of crap for my efforts!

I care about someone eles that is far far away for now ....it's buggen my so much how can I care for this person!(I can not get him out of my head!)
We have spent so little time together , only SEE one another brifly in passing mostly!Never any phic contact with him , just lots of looks & smiles a few words!
Why has he effected me so intensly & does he think about me too???? Does he care for me at all or is he just about desire.

I have to focus on me & my kids & it's so tuff I want to run away from them all & have a life I can enjoy!
Being responsible for them is so draining!
When is it time for me myself & I????
Just another day in Paradise, Please pass me my Mango Margarita!
WASABI

November 1, 2007
3:38 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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wasabi -

first of all - you COULD run away - BUT - I don't think you would get what you want - mr. wonderful isn't going to give you what you want - I mean, it's great to fantasize and all - BUT - face reality. He was deported - he may come back - but has a GF waiting. And it sounds like his life is a mess - so what does he have to offer really?

at this point - it's the fantasy that is keeping you going.

I hear so much of how you really are alone in your marriage - and so unhappy at that.

Let me ask you again - WHY STAY? what holds you back from leaving?

you have terrific skills and could far exceed your husbands business revenue by doing it yourself - with less hassle - you run the company on so many levels - that you could EASILY do it alone. Even if you didn't want a similar company, you could do JUST design work and make a pretty penny doing it - you know you got talent and skill - you have heard it over and over.

You parent your kids alone and they are almost all grown - so that isn't any good excuse...you do it alone now - so losing him isn't going to hurt.

It would seem that getting rid of him would release the ties that bind you - that you could do what you ALREADY do - without having to deal with him and his abuse.

You are already flying solo - why not do it for real?

like I said - what holds you back?

what does he give to you that you would miss if you were alone?

how free would you be if you did leave him?

and what keeps you from moving forward?

November 1, 2007
3:43 pm
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Randomwomen2
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((wasabi)) I am so sorry sweetheart. I know what it feels like to be alone though its really hard. Sweetheart I also know about caring for another and not being able to get them out of your head. Then you feel so awful about it then you think about thinking about it then your thinking about it again. My heart goes out to you sweetheart.

November 1, 2007
5:20 pm
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wasabi
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I guess I'm afraid of leaving for good! an starting over with nothing!
An I would have to go far away from here! MONEY MONEY MONEY.......
I need alot to even make a move & the gilt of being a failure.....
The oldest an his issues ....well he will never make it with out help!
It would take a major efort on my part to down size & go somewhere eles!
I have no family support & lots of animals 2 teens still at home....
I feel so trapped....
Not to bring up debt & back taxes I'm working on it.........
Sometimes I thing death is easer way out! OK I'm real low today!

& mr. fantasy is not a real escape!
Only in my mine! His girl friend is one of many I belive he is using her too! He may love her as she thinks & he has writen in his letters to her while jocked up awaiting deportation.
But the man has 3 children from all different women. his one child was killed in a car accident last year while he was here he was so filled with gilt & sorrow!
He works to send them all money to live So he is supporting 2 women & 2 children but is not with them but sleeps at times with this other women who left her husband a year ago but is still married to her x & has his child ..........ok he is a drama package too .....

I just care for him ! That's all no future in it I know this I just like him he is very likeable ....maybe this is why he has 3 or 4 women .........

I just want to escape & him in my head well this is where I've been for months........reality is too painful!
It's no Paradise......But it is my home & I have no where eles to go!
Plus I'm here by myself 80-90 % of the time.........I feel real tried today & down & all they want to know is what's for dinner!
GEE ok .........I have to go feed my horses so I can go lay down !
I made dinner in the crock pot so they can help themseves ....
I just want to escape in a book & warm blanket!
Thanks for your notes!
I feel so broken today !
WASABI

November 2, 2007
11:17 am
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Codi202
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I want to second thst motion (what rising said).

wasabi, Re read your post just above mine. Look at what you are saying about that guy! He is not what you are looking for, even for a fling! He is obviously bad news, and that will create problems for you no matter what the relationship is.

It is just a fantisy with a charmer/abuser right? And one who is not even available. How about considering the fact that he is unavailable right now to be a blessing and work on you and how you will get out of the situation you are in so you can find someone worthy of you :).

I know it's easy for me to say, because I am not living it.
But if what I have read about you is right, you have a future ahead of you. And someone wonderful is probably there too.

November 2, 2007
1:06 pm
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fantas
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(((Wasabi))), I actually do not think it's this Don Juan that you miss. You miss how he makes you feel which is response from your wounds of abandonment. Something about this particular man, I think it's his unavailability, triggers your deepest needs. In doing so he is offering you an opportunity to heal your wounds so that you cease to subject yourself to the abuse to the unavailable people in your life starting with your husband.

Like Rising, I wonder why you do not leave him. You might have to downsize in many ways but you will survive and do better. In staying with your husband and being emotionally attached to this new fellow, you continue to abandon yourself, your give yourself reasons why you cannot do the healing work that your souls is so obviously calling you to do.

Right now you are putting the responsibility of this work on your husband and this fellow, who both seem to be content with their lives are they are. You want them to change so you can feel better. My experience have shown me that I have to step into the drivers seat and begin figuring out the quickesr most efficient way to get back home. As long as someone else in the drivers seat, I either have to trust them and go along or constantly be on guard everytime the driving conditions change.

I agree with Rising that you are more than capable of starting your own business, paying back any morgages, taxes that you owe and surpassing your husband.

Right now, I have a dear friend of mine who has been dating this girl for a while now even he knows that the he will never marry her, because she helps him with his business and is really good at it. She is an internationally accomplished and recognized professional, she knows how he feels and yet she continues to stay and help him while she puts her dreams on hold. She is totally addicted to the pain of being unwanted...

I lived this way as well, for almost all of my live until about 3 years ago when I began my recovery work. Completely addicted to the pain of not being wanted. I know the loneliness and helplessness that you are going through and I hope from the very bottom of my heart that you will start to put yourself first, because life on the otherside and really freeing.

Hang in there!!

November 2, 2007
1:14 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Wasabi -

you previously mentioned that most of the household stuff and business is in hubbies name.

So, I would venture to assume that taxes and such are in HIS name - which negates your responsibility should you leave.

Yeah, downsizing is a bitch - BUT - the freedom in exchange is TEN TIMES worth it.

Your teens will be thankful to be free of him as well.

Your son who needs you will be free to get help from you - without dad protesting - which takes you out of the middle of the conflict between them - which makes BOTH of you feel better.

I will bet that the kids are willing to face sacrifices to get free of the abuse.

And given that your hubby has "taken care of you" for this long - you will be eligible for child support and some kind of support...not to mention your talent that will get you a good job.

Hell - network your ass off - hit all the customers that love you - and explain you want to go into business yourself and need support and need to know you have customers - I bet many of them would drop your husband in a heartbeat and follow you whereever you go - cuz it's YOUR brains in the driver's seat - your talent they appreciate.

I think it's doable - I think you are putting up your own roadblocks to success.

Whatever "growing pains" are involved in leaving - will be negated by the freedom and power you get by going solo - this abuse he dishes out beats you down and makes you feel so powerless - getting out on your own is going to give you your confidence back....no more dressing down to avoid his pissy moods, no more hiding behind him in business, no more verbal abuse for no reason, no more being his slave.

You will call the shots - and you can rise to your potential.

I know you could do it - you have alot going for you - all the big houses and fancy cars mean nothing if you feel small, insignificant and are in pain all the time.

And if you go solo - you will be so busy being free, working and focusing on you and the kids - you may be able to take your mind off of mr. "wrong" that you lust after - and focus on you and your recovery and your kids.

Right now, mr honduran is giving you the attention you wish to have from your husband - it makes you feel good, makes you feel alive, makes you feel like a woman.

If you break free from your husband - you can feel that way again - and NOT NEED a man to make you feel like that.

November 2, 2007
11:58 pm
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_anonymous
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Wasabi- I knew this was your thread. It was sooo WASABI. Its tough when you have a family and try to balance caring for them and a jealouse spouse. Men dont like to compete. I have chosen my kids, adult kids, son in law over my X or future men. At the end of the day you need to make an effort to do something that makes you feel good. And if being with a hot guy does then go for it. Find one that is available and doesnt have GF. I was sooo mad my son in law drank my mud slide. I need them to relax.

November 3, 2007
9:14 am
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wasabi
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Thank U all for you deep conection*
An yes this is what i need to conect!
There is truth in some areas & not others in my situation........
As a double egde sword: I have my name on everything but some of the trucks! I leagly own 50% of the buis. , house & I'm on our buis. lis. we fill joinly & due to a law suit by one of our custmers last year ......I have found they can come after me too if they want, we are married & equal partners in buis. all though eqaulity is not a word in my husbands vocab.

I can forget about alamony!
He would never pay it! He has said to me & it's no threat that he would leave everything behind & leave the counrty & I would not get shit!
all but one child is under 18 so maybe I could get child supourt for a few years.........but that is a joke too .....
I do have many skills & could make a living somewhere eles!
I could & wouldn't stay here it I left I would go very far away, for many reasons, but mostly out of fear!
And yes I know Mr. Fantasy is just that..........But I do realy like him crazy I know......his girl friend called me yesterday.......
He leaves Hondourous this weekend & will be back on the east coast with-in a few weeks he has asked to return to his job with our company!
We chat like good friends & he ask her to call & go see me!
It's so weird, even myself & husband drove over 2 hrs. in sept. to visit him in jail where he was being held for deportation! That was so weird too! They have no idea we care for each other........ we all touched the glass between us , prior to parting with him at the jail. he last touched mine & gave me a sad glance. It was very intence!

SOOOOOOO I've been realy tring to move on & focus on myself & personal goals I found a great book that I'm so into & I belive it will help if I work through the recovery Chapter!
Women Who Love too Much by: Robin Norwood.........An hey she stated something about going after or being atracted to emotionaly unavailable men!!!!!!!! HIMMMMMM geee That's right on piont A!
So yes I'm working on it but I am tried to the taxes & some if not all the bills shucks!
I am waiting for a signing of his pention papers to give me his penntion in the advent he dies for the rest of my life! I have work very hard for this man & my marriage!
If he does not sign this doc. That's it I will plan my escape......
The are true Paradise out there & yes your right it's not in bed with a MAN or WOMEN! it's with in our self estem & I'm building on mine daily! I just recived a re-newal of my medication tech & though I do not use it I'm thinking why not re up it just to have it!
I'm also finishing up my internship for Master Gardener Cert.
An I plan to take a few on-line & mail order courses to become a certified Landscape designer!
I've been a pro. seamstress for over 23 years ....... so basicly i can work any where .... in 3 different fields! It not can it how & where & when .........
I even care for the elderly & have a lady I care for part time that has adopted me & made me here guardian
We joked about running away together she is in her mid 70's & told me if I take care of her she would go any where with me ........But I really do not want to live with this old lady....... So I'm in a holding pattern .......preparing for the worst but hoping for the best!
Wasabi..........
(destiny I was so worried about you , & missed your in put)

November 4, 2007
12:49 am
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_anonymous
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Wasabi- You might want to get advice from a family law lawyer. It is not up to your husband to decide what you do or do not get financially if you to get DV. I think you might automatically get his pension if he dies b/c you have been married to him over 10 years. Besides is any amount of $ worth your happiness???

Hugs.

Destiny

November 4, 2007
1:04 am
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blueeyelb
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My daughter is bipolar also. She has come a long way in recovery & doing great. There is a website that was created by a girl that is bipolar & offers tips for family & friends on how to help them & yourself also.

http://www.bipolarhappens.comĀ 

I hope this site helps you. My daughter read through her program & said everything she said was so helpful.

November 4, 2007
8:45 am
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wasabi
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Destiny* I'm not dealing wil a fair man remember! If he bails with our savings I'm left with bills!

Blueeyelb* I'm going to check that site out.......My son is a mess & he has to want to help him self!
his jeep was reposed yeaterday! & nothing anyone could do he had not paid is car payment for over 6mths!
I paid it back in july to keep it from getting repoed & this time I said ............to myself NO more!
So another 3 mths went by & his friend crashed it prior & he let the insu. laps/ it just goes on & on!
tickests fines ......loses jobs kicked out of his living sitiation!
It goes on & on! his life is spireling out of control!
But he is a prodouct of our crazy disfuntion I feel so resposibale !
...........What ta doI saw a work book for bypolar adults to track there illness & jonery or work through hatever it is that triggers mania or deprestion etc....
I almost got it for him but he will not use it he my even loose it!
He brook & then lost his glasses again I just paied over 200$$$$ for those dame things!
It's just so frustrating for us all esp. him!
What's a mom ta do!
He found out about his jeep being towed & he blamed us! I said dude you haven't paid your car payments for over 3mths! They found it that's what they do & they are good at it!
We had nothing to do with it .....Wake up !
I just have no idea what or how to help him! I wish I could get him into a half way house for younge men or something but they are a few an far or filled to the brim!
It's so sad!
I will loof at this site thanks!
Crazyness..........
Wasbi

November 4, 2007
10:36 pm
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_anonymous
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Wasabi-Take the remote control out of his hands, hit the savings account, take out your share and hit the road.Thats what I did when mine went to the slammer I sold the cabin took the cash and started restoring my life. The A HOLE gets out in 2 months. So I have started SERIOUSE no contact. F him. And F your mean controlling unappreciative husband.Tell him to stick his $ up one side of his A_ _ and his mother up the other and ease on down the road.

November 5, 2007
7:43 am
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wasabi
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I wish it was that easy!
I have to have a better plan!
The money there is not enough to never come back!
& he is not locked up so he would come after his money!
I will break free in baby steps & I have to have a soild plan & alot more cash in hand!
I left him years ago with out a soild plan & ended up back in 2 weeks I will not go that way ever again!
I'm serious this time when I go it's forver this time my friend!
NO Contact ..........
I'm getting so impowered by my new book; Women who love too much!
GTG

November 6, 2007
9:49 pm
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wasabi
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Blueeye
My son was dicharge from the hospital today! He seems better ....but for how long?
He does'nt have a home of his own I think this is part of his issue! I ran hm around today taking care of this & that......... he lost his drib=vers licence due to speeding & pot charges & his friend recked his jeep for him & then it was repoed on Sat. he will still have to pay it off & it's totaled! he left the insurance lasps so he is stuck with all the bills!
I checked him into a hotel because I just can't bring him home & I live an hour from his work & this out paticient program he is in.... he is 25 not 10 so I have to let him have is own live & not control him , it's so hard ! It's so sad I could go on & on!
I'm beat!
I still need to check out that site!
Thanks
WASABI

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