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jules
December 20, 1999
5:05 am
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chicken
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I am 41 years old female and live with a man who is having an affair and I am letting him do this. I know who the person is - she works with him and is of maori descent. He only sees her when he is really drunk. Before I had this problem with him it was always that he was out drinking now I have to worry if he is still out drunk or out with her. He says he doesnt want to leave me and this only happens once a fortnight and then he doesnt come home for the whole night and day afterwards. He is always reasonably affectionate to me but I am always angry, however I will not dismiss my husband of 18 years just so someone else can have him. I have spoken to her she knows about me and I think she must be weird to do this knowing about me (she is ten years younger but does not look it). Am I doing the right thing I would love lots of advice and opinion even if it hurts.

December 20, 1999
8:33 am
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hazza
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September 24, 2010
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Hi chicken,
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.
I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you that this is a situation that can rob you of your happiness and self esteem slowly but surely if you let it continue.

Do you honestly beleive that this is the best kind of marriage you deserve?

I can understand the thought that you don't want to give up, but right now you are allowing your husband to behave any way he likes regardless of your feelings. What kind of message are you giving him? that he can do what he likes and you will still always be there for him. Of course he doesn't want to leave you, he can behave how he likes and with whom he chooses and you will still be there cooking his dinner for him.

You need to ask yourself why it is that you toleraste this. If you were totally okay with it then you wouldn't be asking us about it would you.

Ask yourself what would happen if you left him. Are you putting up with this because you are more afraid of the alternative???

If so this sounds like co- dependance.

Please be honest with yourself, I don't beleive that just not wanting the "other woman" to have him is a good excuse to continue with a marriage if he isn't worth having anyway!

Maybe you deserve better treatment than this from your husband? Maybe you know that deep down but don't know how to get things back to "normal"

Either way please let me know more about yourself and the situation.
I don't know all the answers, but Im here to talk about it all if you want.

Please remember that we all deserve the basic respect of someone not hurting our feelings and taking us for granted.

Peace
Hazza

December 20, 1999
9:20 am
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lost soul
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Hi,
I am sorry to hear about it. I know how much it hurts. I was at that states before.Well, just by typing these words make me reliving my pain.If you're interested, you might like to read my thread "trying hard to save marriage" you might know what I meant. Well for now, I just like to tell you, be strong, at least try for the sake for yourself.They are the ones who is sinful. Why should you suffer? take care!!! will write again. If you wish to share, we are here for you.

January 3, 2000
12:52 pm
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site coordinator
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chicken,

are you still out there?

If so, please keep us updated.

- SC

January 4, 2000
8:12 pm
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concertina
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hey chick,
sounds like a real dilemma, yet you must realize that it is not only this womans fault. it sounds as though you are trying to defend his honor. "he only does it when he's drunk". well how often does he get drunk?! you'd have more fun with a bottle of wine and a vibrator. jk
i know its hard going through something like this and relationships that last that long are hard to give up. if he really regrets it, then give him one last chance, and if he screws that up, then he is screwed himself for losing someone like you.

January 4, 2000
9:49 pm
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cerry
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Jules,

I am sorry to say that your husband is running and ruining your happiness in life. Believe me when I say this to you. You don't need that kind of relationship with any man. If your husband loved you, whether or not he is drinking, he would not do this to you. I know you have been married for along period of time, but for him to treat you this way is cruel. He must think that you maybe are dependant on him or that you won't leave him.
It is only a suggestion, but if I were in your shoes I would take off somewhere not letting him know where you are. Even write a letter telling him your leaving. Don't tell him where you are going. Don't go for a day or night, go for a week or two. Go to a good friends. Maybe even theraphy might help you. Being with someone that long tends to take away our own security. It sounds like you are very dependant upon him. If I knew my guy was doing that It would bother me terrible and destroy my emotional state.
Think about it. You deserve better. Keep us informed and let us know how your doing. We are all here to help you if you need us.
Cerry

January 4, 2000
9:50 pm
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cerry
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Jules,

I am sorry to say that your husband is running and ruining your happiness in life. Believe me when I say this to you. You don't need that kind of relationship with any man. If your husband loved you, whether or not he is drinking, he would not do this to you. I know you have been married for along period of time, but for him to treat you this way is cruel. He must think that you maybe are dependant on him or that you won't leave him.
It is only a suggestion, but if I were in your shoes I would take off somewhere not letting him know where you are. Even write a letter telling him your leaving. Don't tell him where you are going. Don't go for a day or night, go for a week or two. Go to a good friends. Maybe even theraphy might help you. Being with someone that long tends to take away our own security. It sounds like you are very dependant upon him. If I knew my guy was doing that It would bother me terrible and destroy my emotional state.
Think about it. You deserve better. Keep us informed and let us know how your doing. We are all here to help you if you need us.
Cerry

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