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Joke thread, for when you are in the mood
October 28, 2003
11:22 pm
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nattie
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exactly!!!! If a man says something ...meaning that every thing they say whether we (us women) hear it or not, is wrong, they're never right.

October 29, 2003
9:25 pm
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unhappy camper
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Whoa! lisset!!!

Those are fantastic!!! LOL

October 30, 2003
1:24 am
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arwen
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I am SOOOOOOO glad I stopped in here before I went home tonight! It feels good to end a long day with a hearty laugh!

Thanks, Lisset!!!

Love,

Arwen

October 30, 2003
6:58 am
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Ela
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What do clouds and men have in common?

When they disappear, it's a really nice day.

October 30, 2003
7:40 am
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lost_one
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One hungry Bush...

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

October 30, 2003
7:44 am
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lost_one
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B-Day Sex

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

October 30, 2003
3:34 pm
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silence
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The Report on Sexual Behavior

Women who always have an orgasm while having sex - 15%

Men who always have an orgasm while having sex - 65%

Women who wish their partners could last long enough so they could have just one orgasm - 95%

Men who always have an orgasm while having sex with a partner - 5%

Men who lie about sex - 100%

Religious people who think pain and pleasure go together in sex - 15%

Nonreligious people who think pain and pleasure go together in sex - 10%

Religious people who think sex should be a part of religious practice - 58%

Non-religious people who would get religion if sex were a part of religious practice - 89%

Priests who wish to engage in sex - 26%

Priests who currently engage in sex - 26%

Men, age 18 to 26, who have sex several times a week - 38%

Men, age 65 and over, who have sex several times a week - 39%

Men of all ages who wished they got it even once a week - 89%

Ultraliberals who think simultaneous orgasm is a must for gratifying sex - 15%

Ultraconservatives who think simultaneous orgasm is a must for gratifying sex - 29%

Guys who really cared about simultaneous orgasm - 2%

Guys who think a partner is a must for gratifying sex - 9%

Midwesterners who have had sex with more than 100 partners - 1%

Californians who have had sex with more than 100 partners - 15%

Californians who can’t distinguish reality - 15%

Men who have had an orgasm while looking at “girlie” magazines - 99%

Women who have had an orgasm while looking at “boyie” magazines - 27%

Men who practice safe sex - 46%

Women who practice safe sex - 73%

Blondes who think safe sex means locking the door - 98%

Men who think safe sex is not having her husband find out - 23%

Men whose first sexual partner was a female - 9%

Women whose first sexual partner was a male - 9%

Men who can count their sexual partners on one hand - 46%

Men whose hand IS their sexual partner - 54%

Men who have hot sexual partners - 8%

Men whose think their sexual partner is full of hot air - 82%

Men whose sexual partner must be filled with hot air - 7%

Children who really loved their pets - 91%

Rednecks between 12 and 20 who have had sex - 96%

Rednecks between 12 and 20 who have had sex with other than relatives and farm animals - 0.003

October 30, 2003
3:46 pm
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silence
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Oh yeah. Also an article that every woman should read.

October 30, 2003
4:53 pm
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sixfootblonde
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*note*

do not click on silence's link if you have a coworker standing near you!!!

yes, i had a blonde moment......everyone is laughing. 🙂

Oooh, well, it made me laugh out loud once today at least!! 🙂

October 30, 2003
5:19 pm
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artist 2
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Silence I seriously believe you wrote that!

October 30, 2003
5:29 pm
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mj
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SFB...YOU mean you read it mutiple times ??????*grin*

October 30, 2003
6:42 pm
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silence
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nope. just found it a few days ago on snopes.com

October 30, 2003
10:56 pm
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sosos
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OMG...I have to write these down, dumb blonde...speaking of which (and I hope I get this right) How does a blonde know that sex is over? When the car lights go on! Shame on me, I heard about ten of these a half hour ago!!! Go figure, I can't remember any. Wait, why was the blonde planting cheerios? She wanted some donuts...Help

October 31, 2003
1:27 am
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lost_one
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I MUST show the above article to my wife, who feels that fellatio is filthy and make me fantacize about it all the time.

October 31, 2003
2:00 am
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lost_one
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Geography Of A Woman
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a prick.

October 31, 2003
5:33 am
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lost_one
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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog on a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, "KAZAM" --she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, "KAZAM"-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

October 31, 2003
10:38 am
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sixfootblonde
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The geography of a woman -- I found that offensive. Open to trade especially to those with cash? Massive reconstruction starting at 41?

Rubbish. Not funny. Sorry if this is offensive but I had to say it. A problem with our society is that too often degradation is considered okay if disguised as comedy. Not cool....

October 31, 2003
12:22 pm
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eve
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Well, most of the jokes here on this thread are making fun of somebody by portraing them as stupid, useless and so on.

Only few of them are funny. 🙂

Thanks SFB

November 7, 2003
4:04 pm
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unhappy camper
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Did you hear about this new computer technology? Check it out and follow the instructions. Pretty amazing....

http://www.slabearkazad.com/sniff/

November 8, 2003
5:26 am
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lost_one
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happy camper

hahahahahahaha
that was soooo funny
thanks

November 13, 2003
5:27 pm
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unhappy camper
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A lawyer and 2 doctors have a car wreck in the
country and walk to a farmers house where one
doc stays in a barn and the lawyer and second
doc stay in the house.

In the middle of the night the doc is banging
on the door and he says to the farmer, 'I can't
stay in there, I hate sheep.' so the other doc
goes to the barn to sleep.

Later in the night the other doc is at the door
and he says, 'I hate cows', so the lawyer goes
to the barn to sleep.

In the middle of the night there's a bang on the
door and when the farmer answers it, the cow and
sheep are at the door...

--------------------------
Politically Correct Holiday Greetings:

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious,
socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral winter solstice holiday, practiced
within the most joyous traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, and with respect for
the religious persuasions of others, or their
choice not to practice a religion at all.

And a....

Fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the
generally accepted calender year 2003, but not
without due respect for the calenders of choice of
other cultures whose contributions to our society
have helped make America great, without regard to
the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual
preference of the wishes.

This greeting is subject to clarification or
withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others.

--------------------------
If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the
bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come
out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you
are in the bathroom?

EUROPEAN... of course!

November 14, 2003
9:08 pm
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unhappy camper
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The middle one was a Christmas Card and a Happy New Year's card written so as not to offend ANYONE in the world.

The last one
EUROPEAN = YOU'RE A-PEEING

🙂

November 15, 2003
3:28 pm
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silence
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You can't say that god doesn't have a sick sense of humor.

November 16, 2003
3:38 am
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deepression
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In the days
when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility,an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registeredto stay in a small guest house
owned by the local schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the
guest house contained a WC. In England,
a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for"Water Closet".She
wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring thefacilities about the WC. The school
master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning
of WC. Together they pondered possiblemeanings of the
letters and concluded
that thelady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the
house . .. a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote
the following reply:
Dear Madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles From the house .It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, Surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and Is open on Sundays and Thursdays As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early.There is,however,plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event.There were
10 people in everyseat. It was wonderful to see the _expressions on their faces. My wife,sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last,which
pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch a! nd make a day of it.Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I wouldrecommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organaccompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.The newest addition is a bell which rings every
time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.I look forward to escorting you there myself
and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,The Schoolmaster

November 16, 2003
3:39 am
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deepression
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A woman knocked her man on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pocket".
The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again .
She replied: "Your horse phoned"

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