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Joke thread, for when you are in the mood
September 10, 2003
4:12 pm
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unhappy camper
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If this joke thread is unsuitable, just say so and the moderator can delete it. But I hope you don't mind. Please contribute whenever you want to.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? ........... Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

5. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids

6. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

7. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

8. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

9. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko..

10. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk..

11. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

12. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

13. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

14. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

15. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

16. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

---------------------------------------

THE SPERM COUNT!

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

"We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open!"
---------------------------------------

September 10, 2003
4:43 pm
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sixfootblonde
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More fodder from the Marriage Battlefield

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.
_______________________________________________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
_______________________________________________
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go
out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
_______________________________________________

Husband: "Want a quickie?" Wife: "As opposed to what?"
_______________________________________________

First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's
still alive."
______________________________________________

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive
to the opposite sex.

September 10, 2003
5:11 pm
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unhappy camper
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Men's Rules for Women

* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry... we meant it the other way.

* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linens, shower curtains or handbags, speakers, tires or sporting equipment are always nearby.

* We don't know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don't even ask.

* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why...

* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."

* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.

* Actually, you probably don't want to know what we're thinking.

* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword puzzle, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching ESPN, playing cards, and home repair.

* Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

* Curley is the bald one.

* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford or Suzanne Summers are up to.

* Socks never constitute a gift.

* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both!

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

* When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

* No, you can't have the remote control.

Note: as funny as this is, there is a lot of truth in it, and you are well to just accept that men are different and they have attitudes/limits that baffle us. They are as they like to say "simple creatures".

September 10, 2003
5:11 pm
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tooscared
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These are both so good. It has me laughing here in my seat! I can't tell a joke or remember one worth crap, but I can sure print these off to share. How funny!! Thanks guys for lightening the day.

September 10, 2003
5:19 pm
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eve
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SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm
a
very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the
woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy
winter
nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of
your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the
front
door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me
and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
about
an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Men are so easy.

September 11, 2003
2:51 pm
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totally-confused
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those were nice. LOL.. needed to something to uplift my day! Thanks. =]

September 16, 2003
5:48 pm
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unhappy camper
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TOP 10 DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny!

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
-----------------------------
THE SPEEDO GUY
Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it
with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower
to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them
baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a
pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a
fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin you man...you'll
have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his spanking
new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and for cryin' out
loud! - it's worse than before! Everybody on the beach acts
disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away,
laughing, looking sick! So Brad goes back to the lifeguard again
and asks him, "What's wrong now?"

"Jeezzzzz!" says the lifeguard....... "The potato goes in front!!"

------------------------------
True Words of Wisdom on Dogs

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.. It's the Best deal man has ever made." - M. Facklam

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein

"I aspire to be as wonderful as my dog thinks I am."

September 16, 2003
6:56 pm
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Molly
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Dr. calls the house, Mr. Smith answers the phone, sir we have good news and bad news. Your wife's tests got mixed up with another Mrs. Smith, we aren't sure who's are who's and with your HMO you can't have them repeated till next year. One Mrs Smith has AIDS the other has Alhizmers, so the lab has suggested that you take you wife out to the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.
-------------------------------------
My favorite
A woman comes home from her husbands funeral. Takes the Urn with his ashes and dumps them on the table.
She gets down on her knees before the table in her mink coat which she is taking off, and says John, I want to thank you for that insurance policy, I now have the mink coat that you always promised, the BMW, you always promised, the Beach House you always promised, so I feel a deep need to keep my promise, as she bends over and blows his ashes off the table, this is the Blow job I always promised.

September 18, 2003
4:35 pm
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unhappy camper
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cute one lisset 🙂

September 18, 2003
5:29 pm
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bel
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How do you Top a Car???

Tep on the brake Tupid!
---------------------------

Whats the difference between a pregant lade and a light bulb??

You can unscrew a lightbulb....

-----------------------------------

Bad huh? Yeah and old too...

September 18, 2003
5:45 pm
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bel
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You know what the biggest joke is?

I cannot spell anymore!
I used to be the top speller in school but now I dunt no wut hopppen

hehehehe

September 18, 2003
5:45 pm
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bel
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ohhhh boy IM on a rolllllll

September 18, 2003
7:54 pm
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gingerleigh
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What do you call people who hang out with musicians?

Drummers.

September 24, 2003
12:16 pm
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bel
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Smile of the Week

A very dirty little girl came in from playing outside and asked her
mother, “Who am I?” Ready to play the game, she replied, “I don’t know.
Who are you?” “Wow!” cried the girl. “Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”

September 26, 2003
7:25 am
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ms.confused
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That was a cute on 🙂

September 26, 2003
9:25 am
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typist2
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An old woman's home was burglarized while she was home. When she stumbled upon the burglar she was so stunned that the only thing she could think to do was quote a bible verse. So, she screamed out, "'repent and be baptized...' Acts two, thirty-eight!" After hearing this, the burglar himself was stunned. The old lady called the cops and when they showed up to arrest the man they asked him, "What scared you so? All she did was quote a bible verse." The burglar replied, "Man, all I heard was an 'axe' and 'two thirty-eights'!"

September 26, 2003
9:29 am
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artist 2
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made me laugh... thanks.

September 26, 2003
2:03 pm
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sixfootblonde
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BABY PLANES

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
>Chicago.
>The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
>asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
>big planes have baby planes?"
>The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight

>attendant. So the boy asked her, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
>have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
>The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
>The boy admitted that this was the case.
>"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
>Southwest always pulls out on time.
>Your mother can explain it to you."

September 27, 2003
12:02 am
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Zinnie
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Subject: 13 things PMS stands for, ROTFLOL!

13 Things PMS Stands For

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
..and my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Love it!

Zinnie

October 25, 2003
9:27 pm
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unhappy camper
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Women are like copiers; when turned off they take a long time to warm up

Men are like Swiss army knives; they appear to be extremely useful, but actually spend most of their time just opening bottles

October 27, 2003
4:16 pm
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bridgh
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Tee Hee 🙂

October 27, 2003
4:44 pm
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sixfootblonde
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A Cowboy's Guide To Life
Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Talk slowly, think quickly.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

It's better to be a has-been that a never-was.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.
The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew;
your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him
do it are two entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back
every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter
or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be
ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is
to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'til they get thumped.
(Character shows up best when tested.)

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked,
shouldn't it follow that cowboys would be deranged?

October 28, 2003
3:04 pm
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nattie
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Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap!

hehheheee

October 28, 2003
3:06 pm
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one more about men.........

Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?

So he can get oxygen to his brain.

October 28, 2003
3:08 pm
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nattie
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Ok last one.....sorry guys....lol

If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him ....... is he still wrong?

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