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Jenny
February 26, 2004
9:58 am
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jennygirl
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Thanks all!

VIXEN:

He kept his past from me and turned out he's an ex convict, I bailed him out for Violation of Probation in numerous counties and paid restitutions and legal fees to the tune of 20K....all for the man I loved so we could be together that was in July. Because he was in jail for a month cirulating through all the different counties are wedding got canceled, plus I didn't findout about his colorful past until the cops came looking for him a month before our wedding day, and he had no intentions on ever telling me.

When he came home I thought things would be better, and that it would put us at a deeper level, but he came back and more domineering as ever and without much graditutde. Whereas I kept his house and all his luxuries for him, got him out, and kept his job for him. Needless to say after all of the heartbreak I got pissed and came to my senses and moved out in October and broke it off mid November.

I haven't been doing to well since, binge drinking, on a man hunt and getting rejected by a few more guys more recently hasn't helped. I dont know why I feel as though I need to be desired to feel good about myself. I have gained a lot of weight over the past 6 months and that only deepens my depression and lessens my self esteem.

This past weekend I hit rock bottom drinking half a 1/5 and acting like a fool. Then later called for him to come pick me up and fell to pieces right before him. He says hes changed and wants me back, and says he wants to help me, but i want to help myself. Buy my codependency issue makes it really tempting. I really believe that hes changed and I dont want someone else to benefit from what I suffered for him to get where he is. So I have been utterly dazed and confused the past few days trying to figure out what to do. But I am pretty sure the right thing to do is to send him on his Merry way again, and find a way to love myself! But easier said then done, right?

Thanks for listening, please offer any comments or opinions.

February 26, 2004
10:07 am
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nancee
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Jenny, you deserve so much better than this guy. It looks like you spend all you time keeping him out of trouble and taking care of things for him. Who is taking care of you? I know it is hard to let go of these men who are bad for us, but we do deserve better than this. We need someone who will take care of us when we need it, someone who understands give and take, not just take,take,take. And if you are like me, you probably give a whole lot more than what is asked of you. I do that too much and then get nothing in return and wind up feeling empty. I'm ready to start feeling better about myself and know that is the only way I will attract someone who I can have a healthy relationship with. I think the fact that you are here and asking for support is a step in the right direction. In just a week, it has helped me tremendously. Just remember that you deserve a fulfilling relationship, we all do. I know things will get better for you because they have for me. You just have to open yourself up to it.

Nan

February 26, 2004
12:19 pm
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jennygirl
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Nan,

I know I deserve better than the old him, but what if the new him is better? Why can't I let go of that possibility?

Jenny

February 26, 2004
12:34 pm
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nancee
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Jenny,

How long have you been apart from him? Since you broke it off in November? Is this the first contact you have had from him? Has he told you what changes he has made, or just told you that he has changed? Sorry to hit you with question after question, I'm just trying to get a clearer picture here.

Nan

February 26, 2004
5:14 pm
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vixster
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Hi Jenny - I'm really sorry you're having such a difficult time. From what you've said, it sounds to me, that if you can find the strength deep within yourself -- which I believe you can -- look at all you've done for HIM - do it for YOU - you should say good bye and get on your merry way.

I too, used to think, look how well I "fixed" that person - look at all I've been thru to get him to "change", why should someone else get the benefits of all my hard work...well guess what? He has not had enough time to prove to you he has changed - how do you know. He's acting like it now to keep you - you're the gravy train. But down the road, it could start all over again. Also, with his past, how will he ever get meaningful employment to support you and a family. What if he drags you into something illegal, and you end up in jail.
Regarding exercise -- if you can find a class called Jazzercise - please go to one. It's what keeps me going. I love music, and dance, and this combines both. There are no pretentions, no mirrors, just music and fun! In my class the ages run from 18 to 75.
Take care of youself -- maybe get some books -- one that got me out of a bad relationship was The Power of Positive Thinking. Oldie but goodie. Take care now

February 26, 2004
10:22 pm
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jennygirl
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Vixster:

Thanks I already told him its a "no go" I am not ready for a second go round, and I dont know if I ever will be, I think we are still gonna be friends but it depends on if he contiues to hound me or not. Thanks for your help.

I think his illegal days are over, way over but you are right it has not been long enough for him to change, and I am not sure I would want to go back to a man that I was codependent on.

Today was much much better, thanks for your input!

February 27, 2004
8:07 am
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vixster
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Hi Jenny - glad to hear you're doing better today, and moving forward. Good luck and stay strong!

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