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JEE1224
November 30, 2000
12:43 pm
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JEE1224
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I need some advice for my best friend.
She has been married for 3 years and she and her husband have a 1 year old baby. About 6 months ago she caught him cheating on her. She asked that he leave. Well then she asked him back home for the sake of their child. She thought she was doing the right thing, and he agreed saying they would and could work this out. Well since they have gotten back together she can not let the past go, and he acts like it never happened. She asked him to leave again last night and she is upset and doesn't know if she done the right thing or not. She's asking me for advice but I don't know what to tell her. Any Advice?

November 30, 2000
2:36 pm
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gingerleigh
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When your friend asked her husband to come back, that request should have been made only if she was truly willing to let the past go, not necessarily forget, but at least forgive. It sounds like she has neither forgotten nor forgiven. She needs to come to terms with whether or not she can forgive. She needs to be honest with herself and admit the truth, no matter what it is.

Now, if she decides that she can't forgive, please impress on her that this is NOT necessarily a bad thing, or a shortcoming on her part. Being cheated on is a horrible experience. And depending on the circumstances, her husband may truly not be worthy of her forgiveness at this point.

If she decides that she can forgive, then she needs to make that decision final and NOT change her mind again. The constant flip-flop of position will force her husband to always walk on eggshells, and constantly prove his love and faithfulness. That is no way to live. He made a mistake, and if he is truly sorry and willing to atone by changing his behavior permanently, then he should be forgiven completely, and accepted unconditionally.

Making the decision is going to be hard. I would suggest seeing a relationship counselor for a brief period so that she has an impartial third party to listen and keep her honest throughout the decision-making process.

Hope that this helps. Peace.

November 30, 2000
2:44 pm
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you can only be strong for so long
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it's very important to save a marriage becuase not all relationships are perfect.. everything needs working out.. and if it's doesnt work out.. professional help is needed.. and it's also very important to have two parents for the child as well so there should be some sort of an agreement and understanding among the two.. i know that loving someone and having them cheat on you can be a devastating experience.. i once love someone and care for this person so much .. and discovering that she is secretly seeing someone else just shatters me emotionally..TWICE!... you lose complete trust in this person and it's very hard to take in every word that they tell you or every move that they make.. there is always this suspicious feeling that they will do it again.. part of our friendship resulted in ugliness becuase of this..

i guess the best she can do is reach an agreement and understanding.. ask him to sit next to her and look at her.. and tell him how much it hurts her .. and emphasize to him how much it hurts her so that he wont do it again.. and it's WRONG WRONG WRONG. he has to understand this so he wont do it again.. everythign is forgiveable. if she forgives him and make him understand and promise to her that it is wrong... then everything will be ok.. this way .. she wont be too distrustful towards him anymore.. give him a second chance. people make mistakes..

November 30, 2000
6:01 pm
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Molly
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More than likely no matter what you say with any firm resolution will be the correct thing. I suggest that as a friend, you allow her to vent, suggest that she get some professional help, offer to baby sit for the appointment and hold on to a friend. Marriage advice is a loose loose situation, its hard, either you become a dumping ground for the problems, and they never get resolved, or you give" bad" advice, or just imagine all the different out comes. Just try to be there with boundry lines, and some time, its easier to say gee, you must be really hurting I just don't know, maybe a professional would be best to help you with this.

November 30, 2000
8:53 pm
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gingerleigh
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Great point, Molly, about all marriage advice being bad advice. That is so true. Her husband may not appreciate it if he found out that you had given advice that was not beneficial to him in some way and might make things awkward for the three of you. He might not also appreciate it if he knew that his wife was venting to you at all. (Some people are very very sensitive that relationship issues remain between the parties only, no involvement of friends or family. Might apply, might not, just food for thought.)

A professional, impartial counselor seems like the safest way to go, for everyone involved.

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