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Jealousy, Rage and Snooping in a New Relationship
February 17, 2005
8:23 pm
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mariamercedes
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I am in a new relationship. Sober for two years. I have never been in a relationship that was based on honesty. I have been attracted to betrayal bond based relationships (I'm learning this as I go along). I am learning about my jealousy issues.

I have much to sort through as I think about my jealousy and honesty. I have been experiencing this urge to snoop in my boyfriend's email account, because he has a lot of female friends, and I wanted to know the nature of his relationship with them were. Was he hiding anything? Also, he is in recovery, and seems to have broader boundaries than I with regard to women in recovery. It seems that every female friend he has he has had some sexual intimacy with that didn't work out...but, they remain friends. I'm not comfortable with that.

I ended up snooping. I didn't like what I found out. A girl who he had dated before me he had written an email to regarding our relationship - and how I wasn't the one and that he was just learning. I felt violated and betrayed - yet, I was doing the snooping. I also feel like I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is just 'trying me on'. Am I ready to settle down? I don't know me yet - I don't think so. But, at the same time I am not wanting to wait to be betrayed and cheated on.

He has been in an open marriage before - and has always cheated. But, in recovery, he is trying to do it 'differently'. Still, I have such immense trust issues, and feel like I am signing up for disaster...though, every action he has taken toward me is faithful, loyal and he seems to be doing it differently.

Still, I carry this secret that I snooped....and these fears about his previous life and story. And I carry this fear that I 'know what he's really thinking'...I try to rest on faith and love and more to be revealed...but find myself most of the time in codependent head spins about the situation and feel like I am watching myself from the ceiling just relive the most bizarre behavior and feelings. All of this triggers my low self worth about myself....and a deep sadness.

When I am alone, and not in a relationship, I don't feel these things. I am strong, and empowered, and I am alone...and it's okay hanging out with God. But, to try to find this balance with a person in my life - is very difficult.

Do I run? Do I hide? That is what I want to do most of the time. I've been severely distracted since I got into this relationship. My work has suffered, my program hasn't suffered - but a lot is being pulled up....

It has been suggested to go to Caran - and I have a great support group around me - but the deepest part of me wants to run and hide and just disappear. Something I've never done...but, feel like it would get back at him for his thoughts - when, again, I'm the one doing the snooping...

My solution program wise is that I am working very diligently with an Al-Anon sponsor and in AA - etc...but, I still feel this nasty vibration in the bottom of my gut...I'm not snooping, one day at at time, but feel healing is nowhere near me.

I don't want to tell him about this email - and I've prayed to let go of this other girl living in my head - who snubbed him - but, it's taking all of my energy to not display my jealousy and rage - and just wait.

What do I do?

February 17, 2005
9:48 pm
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addicts wife
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perhaps both oof yopu are not ready for a relationship, and personally, Id be scared of someone who was in an open marraige in the past, adn who has a history of cheating, but If you are already aware that you have trust/jealousy issues, I'd sincerely consider being single while working this out, asd i can foresee jealousy with someone who is NOT ready for a relationship with you as turning toxic, and volatile... do you have a sponsor/sponsee you can talk to on this issue??? and if situations in this relationship are already taking all your energy in this stage on the game, I'd call that a red flag to step back, andwork on yourself, and take GOOD care of yourself....

February 17, 2005
10:01 pm
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MustBeNuts
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i agree.. i don't think either one of you should be attached to each other.

your jealousy and rage issues are yours to own, but at the same time he does add fuel to that fire. his behavior in his emails to his friends is not acceptable, but at the same time either is your snooping.

however, you may still have snooped even if he had been a decent guy with a decent past. that is a symptom of what we all suffer from. you would have found nothing and you would have felt bad, but you would have just had to work on your own issues. you wouldn't have found what you found.

BUT, you did find answers. maybe that's exactly what God intended. maybe this is just a kick in the butt telling you that being with him may be a very horrible mistake and push you to seek recovery alone. to find the right one for you when you're ready. be prepared for a fight on his part and regret on yours. you don't have to talk about the snooping.. but you can see your way out of this with an honest heart and the best intentions for your own life.

February 18, 2005
10:04 am
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angel without wings
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I think you know the right thing to do and the right steps to take, but i think you are a little scared - which is perfectly okay:) If being in a relationship with someone negatively affects your self-esteem, work, and daily life - it's not a healthy relationship. Especially since you are healing and still getting to know yourself. If you choose to be in a relationship - right now it would have to be a supportive, safe place to be. This doesn't sound like it's safe at all. And even if he was a perfect angel, the feelings you are feeling and the tendencies are something you need to work on. Being with this guy will only confuse you more in the healing process. When you said being alone makes you feel empowered and strong - that is your answer:) You deserve to feel empowered and strong, so take care of yourself and put you first! Love~angel

February 18, 2005
7:16 pm
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woundedspirit
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My ex lied to me so much that Im constantly fighting the urge to check up on him also. Its natural when your trust is broken. Did your bf send you red flags that fed that urge? Even though you hadnt caught him in anything up to that point before to make you worried about it, I think just knowing he is friends with women he's slept with and has had that open marriage in the past are enough to make most women wonder if he's being on the up and up. I did the same kind of checking up and when I would catch him in anything from it, its the same dilemma. You want to confront him on what you found out he's doing that hurts you but...how? For me with my ex, my finding out like that was always WAY worse in his eyes than what he is doing that I caught him in!! How does THAT make sense?? Like my catching him justifies his doing it to begin with?? Then he uses it to the full that he cant trust ME!! Kills me! Im trying to date a new guy recently and marvel that I dont feel those urges with him. So far he has been very believable and I do think he is being honest. its soooo nice to not have those feelings. I wonder if they will come down the road but Im hugely relieved at this point that I can be with someone new and not pass on my ex's issues to the new guy. but if he were throwing up red flags...that would probally be different. Regardless of how you found out...you did find out. And you cant ignore that now. If you can, Id say break it off without letting him know you saw that. No point giving him amunition to use against you. Just say "I dont think this is going to work out." From his email you read, that shouldnt hurt his feelings to much and maybe he will be relieved. OR...If he is like alot of guys...it could make him more attracted to you when he realizes you r not that into him. he may appreciate you more. Still, I would never want a guy like that again. with the female "friendships" that cross lines. Been there, done that, been about KILLED by it! You deserve better.

February 18, 2005
7:23 pm
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woundedspirit
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Another note on that...trust your instincts!! You checked his email becasue your instincts were telling you to. And they were right! That is one thing I really learned with my ex. I cant rust my instincts and 9 times out of 10, when they were going crazy and telling me something wasnt right, they were right on and he was sneaking behind my back again. Dont beat yourself up for it. Have hope that if you are with a guy who is honest and not sending up red flags...your instincts will tell you that also and you'll be able to relax about it like I am with this new guy. its hard to trust those positive instincts sometimes when we've been screwed over so often with dishonesty and sneaking around but I think if your with someone trustworthy and you SEE that they are trustworthy a few times, you'll be able to trust again. FIRST...hold out for someone trustworthy!! If he isnt trustworthy, how can he expect you to trust and not check up on him?? My ex has this warped theory that FIRST I need to TRUST him for him to feel safe being honest and THEN he will be TRUSTWORTHY!! Boy...here I am venting my own issue!! Sorry about that!

February 19, 2005
3:42 pm
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alwayslearning
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Hmmm...I was helping out by putting my boyfriend's laundry away one nite when I came across an envelope and a very long (there were alot of pages) handwritten letter. The envelope contained nude photos of himself and his ex wife (the divorce was final in July), the handwritten letter was from her....I only skimmed the first page to get the sense of who it was from. His ex wife was pleading, in a way, for him to spend more time on "them"....that was all I learned before he yelled down the hall to get out of his stuff. Yes, I violated his privacy. And it left me wondering, why is he hanging on to this stuff if it's over for him. He had no answer for that one....Personally, I don't feel a need to hang on to my past that way. Now he's asked for space (all these months later) see my thread asking for insight. I just could way relate to this "snooping" issue. It's a human thing.

February 23, 2005
11:31 pm
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on my way
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I would advise you to drop the relaitonship simply because it is obvious that you do not trust him, and you are saddened by his behavior. And, it isn't like you can ask him about it. Usually in recovery...12 Steps?..it is advisable not to date anyone until you are completely finished, because of the vulnerablilty during this time, the emotions felt, the neediness felt.

I agree too with MustbeNuts...good, sound advice there.

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