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JEALOUS
April 30, 2003
6:57 pm
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first, am not doing so good. i had a headache all day long, my throat hurts too and feels funny down there. expecting my p. school was alright i just wanted to get home so bad. now my legs hurt. i feel so fucked up. (sorry for the bad words, i am crying now and feel SO MAD)

getting to the problem. i am a jealous person. bf has email rapersdelight. am i keep on asking myself why do so many girls add him. :'( it makes me so jealous and when i fucking ask him he never knows who they fucking are. what does his stupid email means?? why do so many girls add him?? i am trying to make him suffer by not {him} seeing me online or write to him, but am making my own self suffer too. and i go to his account and probably went to far. i emailed those girls and said "bitch u better leave my bf alone hoe." and one of them emailed back. and said, how if ur fucking bf and who the fuck r u. how did u get my addy. so i emailed her back (all of this is through his account, which he hasnt seeing it, but today he will) so i said "the guy who owns this email is my bf. how do u know him. i doubt he got ur email somewhere, am sure u added him. and she emailed back and said so many things. many bad things like "EAT DICK. stop something and get over the fact some girl has him in their account. i suggest a tissue and a chill pill." she said more stuff just that i dont remember and i dont want to remember. i dont know if being jealous is good or bad. but i am. i tell him so many things. i trust him. when some stupid jerk who i dont even know adds me i tell him. i dont know why he cant do the same with me. why cant he tell me. some girl who i dont even know added me today. bla bla bla.

April 30, 2003
7:05 pm
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Don't you really think you are worth more than this, and that this is part of your problem ? I am sorry that you are hurting, I know you are young, but maybe its time to focus on you and your future.

April 30, 2003
7:07 pm
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who is ur fucking bf**

a long time ago, i cleaned his account. i put all of his friends who are guys there. i erased all the girls. but they still have him. but now i see like 5 different new girls. and he doesnt tell me shit. i really dont know what to do and i really dont know if crying and feeling this way is correct to do. what am i supposed to do.....i may be overreacting but i feel like leaving his ass. i dont understand why guys r this way. u give all ur love and some how they find ways to hurt u?? thats not how ur supposed to pay them back.

April 30, 2003
7:09 pm
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how many times i heard that and never listened....and will continue not to listen because i love him. am gonna try to make him suffer.

April 30, 2003
8:37 pm
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lisset with the "do it my way additude" you have along rode ahead of you, I know been on it for many of miles, that that streched into many of years. lisset what is love? To me being jealous is just our own insecuritys coming out and it's not a fun pain. E-mail addresses come on lisset your brain fucking yourself, how can you guys move forward to be happy with this kind of distraction?

give yourself a break.........

May 1, 2003
10:58 am
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Lisset, has your boyfriend given you are reason for you not to trust him? Is he disrespectful to your feelings? If so, then move on. Checking his email account is only hurting yourself, so try not to do that anymore. Just let it go. Concentrate on school, hang out with your friends and don't focus on this. Love should not be painful. The hardest thing we have to learn is when to walk away. You don't deserve to be in a relationship that is causing you so much pain. If he can be honest with you and you can trust him then there isn't a need to check his email. You can't control what those other girls are doing and sending them emails to leave him alone only makes you look bad. Take some time out, get outside and enjoy the sunshine or treat yourself to something fun. Take care.

May 1, 2003
7:01 pm
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angie, read ur post but didnt answer cause suddenly i didnt feel good after reading it. especially "your only brain fucking urself".......

sel, reminds me of my friend wenzel. but i call her zel. 🙂 i have problems with trusting men. i dont wanna be cheated on. i know am doing wrong in being jealous. i think everything would go into waste if he did. like if he did and never looked at how i loved him....before............way before.......when he was with his ex,....wait first. i am like a girl who asks "way too many questions" and through that he told me when he was young and stupid. he used to be like a player. not being with two at the same time. but he only went for looks and he says he has changed. that he doesnt wanna get something bad. that this and that. and sometimes i dont believe in him. sometimes i do. sometimes i think he doesnt pay attention to me. sometimes he does. sometimes he is sweet, next day, he is like cold and not paying attention to me......i dont know if breaking up is the correct thing to do. let him be on his way with whoever he wants. and me same with whoever i want. relationships are a lot of problems. something i never thought. leaves me with no desires of wanting to be in another one. eventhough we R together. i am trying not to see him. i dont wanna hurt him. but i wanna spend a couple of days without him.

yesterday was my worst day ever and so many things on my mind. all the pains i felt. waiting for my p. fought with my mom at night. and school (homeworks, projects) my night school which i hate it so much. and then..........him.

May 1, 2003
9:10 pm
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lisset sorry if I offended you, I guess what I was trying to say is if your going to get so upset over e-mail addres you have a hard road a head of you, and listen to your self after someone tryes to give you some good advise you say I will continune not to listen. Go ahead and do it your way and stay unhappy, believe me I know what I am talking about...

Try something different..

and I do wish you the best, but we all have to learn our own lessions don't we.

May 2, 2003
9:53 am
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Lisset, Why do you not trust men? Look inside and find out why. It might be the reason you are jealous and not trusting of the opposite sex. Relationships can be difficult and draining to the spirit. I think you are doing the right thing by taking time away from your boyfriend. Are you in any school activities; sports, drama, choir or clubs? It might be good to get involved in something to get your mind off this. I don't know about you, but if I have too much free time I tend to get myself all worked up. I am not telling you to ignore the problem, but maybe do some things to improve your self-esteem. Also take the time to figure out why you are jealous. Don't be so hard on yourself, just take deep breaths and write often. I am gonna go see the 'Lizzie Maguire' movie. Me and my 17 yr old love that show. Check it out. Take care and have a good weekend.

May 2, 2003
6:39 pm
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angie, not that i got offended. but what u said was WAY harsh. so u prefer lying to u by saying i will try to concentrate on myself and get over him when am not really doing that?? u would. i wouldnt. sometimes i really try to stay away from him and move on. but then he comes and u always give in. u know??

i guess there are some main reasons why i am jealous. like if he has a friend (girl) and they hang out or something i would be scared to lose him. that he would leave me for her. every reason is that i am scared to lose him, that i am scared of him leaving me. its not really hard to trust him. but on some ocassions yeah.

May 2, 2003
10:37 pm
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lisset the fact of life is that life is harsh, and to me this jealousy problem has nothing to do with this one guy!!! You are jealous over e-mail addresses or girls he might hang out with and your afraid you might lose him. lisset there is no guarantees in any relationships no one wants to be cheated on, but another fact of life is that it does happen, but has it happened? or you upset and jealous over something that hasn't happened yet? How can this relationship survive? could you be pushing him away? So ask your self if you do lose him and you get another boy friend which you would, ask your self if your going to be jealous again over the same kind of stuff and the cycle goes on and on. I am the master of brain masturbation, I could write the manual on all the different positions, rhythms and intensity and I can do it in any position I want and have, been there done that!!!. BUT today I am learning not to do that to myself as much, I think we can learn how to control the harshness of life that goes on around us. I like to play around with graphic designs and I love to throw drop shadows on a object or a text then I have to decide how dark I want that shadow or how mush space I want that shadow to take up. Just like the harshness of life I have to fade that shadow and size it up just right so I am comfortable with the finished graphic. That's kind of what we have to do in life, we need to find a comfortable place and try our best to be happy, and jealousy would look like shit in my graphic, your young but give yourself a break and take five...............

May 3, 2003
12:50 am
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what do u expect me to feel or how do u expect me to trust when u enter his fucking account and this supposely "friend" tells u "hey bf" or "bf"???? whatever. same crap. and she is a girl. u dont call a friend bf or gf. unless u guys have a bf and gf relationship. not even as a joke. the best part is, she thought it was him when it was really me. BUSTED. i dont give a darn anymore because i just broke up with him.....

another thing. i have two guy friends at school. they both told me that this guy likes me @ different times during the school year though. but the mexican one lied. that "the guy" had a gf and that he can get any girl he wants. i dont even understand why he lies. i dont know if he is jealous or what. how can i trust in him again?? i trusted what he said because i never really talked to the guy. but i did yesterday and today at school and found out all the lies from my mexican friend. "the guy" does not have a gf, he seems really sweet and he told me he is not that kind of guy who plays with girls. also they lied because he doesnt like me anymore. that was like 3 months ago. not anymore. i dont know if i can trust my mexican friend again?

May 3, 2003
1:03 am
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Dear Lisset,

I can understand why it is hard to trust. People lie. Everyone does it, whether we want to admit it or not. We lie for lots of different reasons: Fear, nervousness, protection, hiding, avoiding, denial...and the odd thing is, not only do we lie to others, sometimes we lie to ourselves. I know I've done it.

Sometimes people give us reasons not to trust. Sometimes this happens at a very young age. I wonder if you remember a time when you felt you could trust someone. What was different about your life then? What happened to change things? Can you find a way back to trust from the place you are now?

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Look beyond the hair, soulful eyes, freckles, or whatever else you might notice first and see your expression of who you are. Do you look confident? Do you smile at yourself when you put your make up on? Do you see the beauty both inside and out? If not, then try to find one thing, every day, that is beautiful about you. I guarantee you that if you will try this, pretty soon you'll have a long list to look at every time life is trying to tell you that you "aren't good enough".

Jealousy is a painful emotion. If you feel it, you feel it. I like that you are able to say "This is how I feel..." and be honest, upfront. People will tell you what you should feel, or what to do to feel different. Sometimes you just have to feel what you feel. Be in your jealousy. Pick it apart. Dissect it like you would in biology lab. Give yourself permission to be jealous until you have figured your own way out. Journal about it. You'll learn about you, and find out just how special you are.

Arwen

May 3, 2003
1:20 am
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look at what happened with my friend. its hard to trust him again. i dont know if i should or not. i dont even feel like being nice to him, but i'll try not to be mean to him. my mom says "u have to forgive in other for GOD to forgive u"

i definatly arent confident in my self. i dont have high self steem like. "i am pretty like any girl in the world. they might have a really nice skin and i have pimples but am still as pretty as them" i DONT think like this....sometimes when i look in the mirror. i do seem nice, far away because i cant see my pimples. up close i dont think that. and am even shy to go out and let people see my face.

my cousin once hurted me but she was 7 or 8 so i have to forgive her. she said "do u have chiken pox?" and i said "no" i still remmeber it was in front of my brother and when she said that and i answered. i left the room cause i felt like being alone and wanting to cry.

i liked what u said. although i dont get what ur saying sometimes. i get lost. i know english but u adults sometimes use some frases i think "it must be adult language, no wonder i cant understand" thanks arwen

May 3, 2003
2:09 am
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Zits totally suck. I had them as a teenager. I have them now in my twenties, but they did die down a lot. Lisset, would your mom be willing to take you to a dermatologist (skin doc)? If not, maybe have her take you to the makeup counter, Clinique is where my mom took me when I was 16. And we talked to the lady there who talked about caring for my skin which although it was totally acne prone was still real sensitive, and then she showed me how some gentle makeup here and there could make my zits less noticeable while my skin was healing. Drinking tons of water helps too. Big hugs to you...

May 3, 2003
1:16 pm
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the only time i wear make up is on party. and i am so white sometimes the powder thingy makes me look more pale, like i just woke up from the dead. if she puts the brown thingy she will make me look too read and i dont like that. i dont know.

May 3, 2003
1:46 pm
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I never really had bad acne. I do get zits in the worst places though. I either get them in the soul patch which is a real pain in the butt now that I have the beard, or I get a zit inside one of my nostrils. Those are the painful ones.

May 3, 2003
7:40 pm
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today is my prom at school and am not gonna go. many reasons. dont have a way to get there, dress. date, or friends. money. its like $90 per person. everytime i look at the time i feel guilty for not going. every one says i should go. my friend, even my teacher! i feel sad. my friend was like, man u should have gone with that guy who likes u. not a bad idea but he wasnt going to ask and i dont wanna ask. i dont think he likes me anymore. he said back in the begining of the year. i dont know if school year or 2003 year. i think it was around january. what sucks is that when u have a secret admirer. that person to u is like nothing. but u to that person is like ur their queen or king. oh well. there goes senior year. never joined no sports or clubs. never went to dances, not even rallys, i skip them and went to the library. never had a guy come up to me and actually declare their feelings. cool memories huh!!?? ....not.

it is so weird because i used to think that guy was cute back in 8th grade and around january he is the one who likes me. and i didnt know. just like he doesnt about the 8 grade. haha. we never talked. until this past thursday and friday.

this weather sucks. it was raining and its so sunny now. SF has the trickiest weather. i wish i could just take a pill, go to sleep and wake up tomorrow.

May 3, 2003
8:15 pm
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I never went to my prom either. As a matter of fact I didn't go to any of my school's dances. Oddly enough, one girl did ask me to go to my senior prom. As an extreme last resort. But I had a girl from my group therapy sessions that wanted to set me up on a date that weekend.

May 3, 2003
8:50 pm
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so what did u do??

May 3, 2003
8:56 pm
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I said I was sorry and that I already had plans. She then went on to ask the guy in the wheelchair to the prom.

May 3, 2003
10:35 pm
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hmmm... i wonder what happened with them...

by the way awesome plan for ur high school reunion. 🙂

May 3, 2003
10:39 pm
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Thanks. Feel free to use it if you wish.

May 3, 2003
10:46 pm
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yeah on the year 2013 but i dont need it. i rather take my life and not 10 years from now. them i wont go through any pain like the ones am feeling now.

i still ask my self why ur childhood was so bad. why did everything bad had to be for u. why did people pick on u......and still. no answers.

May 3, 2003
11:48 pm
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Life gets better. I had one of the worst school experiences and trust me when I say that college changes everything.

Even though I still lived at home and commuted for the most part, people are just a lot easier to be around in college. You make some interesting friends there.

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