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Jealous, insecure and tired.
December 5, 2005
4:14 pm
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caraway
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I have read several post today that have really hit close to home. I am jealous even though I feel I trust my BF. I need to accept that I can't control the outcome of this relationship and that the attempt to do so is going to drive him away. I feel like a loser!

The truth is that I am afraid to "allow" him to go places without me for fear that he will meet someone that he likes more. I don't like being around friends who talk about what a great time they had out at the bars on the weekend for fear that he will want to start going out. I am reluctant to "allow" him to have friendships with people of that I think he may be attracted to for fear that a relationship will develop with that person.

Even when I feel the need for some time alone, I hesitate to take it for fear of how he will spend his time.

I am embarrased to admit this to myself and certainly to all of you.

Cary

December 5, 2005
4:18 pm
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Anonymous
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I could have written this post myself and suspect many here can agree they could too.

It's called codependency - and that's why many of us are here.

My road to recovery included reading women who love too much and codependent no more, going to a therapist and going to a coda meeting.

Time won't heal this - you need to actively work on it.

You admitted the behaviours - that is a great first step - now empower yourself with the knowledge of how to fix it.

December 5, 2005
7:44 pm
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Rasputin
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Hi Caraway,

It seems to me that your relationship with your BF is unhealthy. Whenever there is fear, lack of trust and insecurity - this is sign of unhealthy relationship which also means very codep.

I would highly recommend you to separate, take break from relationship and make yourself top priority. Develop your spiritual life, do some soul searching, buy some good books that cover up this theme.

Also Melody's book is excellent one, coda meetings, 12 steps are all excellent free programs to help you develop in character and grow.

Best of blessings,

~Ras~

December 5, 2005
8:14 pm
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CAMER
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you must allow your bf to be who he is....not matter what happens in the relationship with HIM that will be his choice, you have to trust the relationship, and trust him around his friends. Just like whatever you choose to do, say in a bar, is your choice. We all have choices, and you must know that we cannot control what others do, only ourselves.

Keep reading the above mentioned books and learn to love yourself more, and build that self esteem up and let your love grow with your bf.

Keep coming back and posting...

(((camer)))

December 5, 2005
8:31 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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Hey Car,

If he wants to be with you, there is nothing in this world that can stop him from being with you. If he doesn't, then there is nothing in this world that will keep him with you.

The only thing you can absolutely control in this world, is you. Instead of trying to manipulate someone else, (which is really disrespectful if you think about it) control yourself. Make it count. Step away from the easy allure of indulging in the fear and shine my friend. It is in you and every one of us to step up to a problem and kick ass.

The fact that you are reaching out for help to improve the realtionship says so much. I never did.

If this is actually love you have, then you have nothing to fear. Even if you seperate for a time.

If it's really just your need, then the work you have left to do will wait for you patiently, ready to help you up to the next level, whenever you're willing to go.

December 5, 2005
9:21 pm
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hbdude2k
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Caraway,
I was thinking just like you. My girlfriend pointed out my codependency because she has been 2 yrs in therapy for it. I had no idea that something like this exsisted. I thought I grew up in a perfect family and that if i make everybody happy, life is happy. Well, I am now in therapy, going to my second meeting tonight and reading Codependency No More for the second time around, and on this board once in a while. My family is very dysfunctional that I am finding out.I found out that I might have to tell my girlfriend that she is a distraction right now and that I can't see you. This will be hard for me. Right now I am doing great with recovery and am slowly detatching from her. Trust this system of recovery. It will be fun and you will find you if you go through the steps. Good luck

Aaron

December 5, 2005
11:16 pm
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D dog
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Cara-

This is my same affliction. Right there with you.

I don't have an answer. I just know that I love him, and hey - love him or leave him.

If it goes to s**t, you'll know. Trust yourself to go with what feels right- go with it now, and if it's wrong, you will know.

And, at that point, come back here for love and advice.

December 5, 2005
11:38 pm
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Godletmeletgo
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I hear you-codependant no more-or "Language of Letting Go" is an amazing book to help you get more in touch with the reasons behind these jealous feelings. It is, in fact all a part of codependancy. If you can't trust your BF, trust GOD. He is infalliable and will never let you down. YOu are in my prayers.

December 6, 2005
12:50 am
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chloeysmomma
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iam all three of those things and let me tell u because of what i was and who i use to be has almost destroyed my life my marriage etc and my friendships with people i am very insecure and iam 27 and dont have very many friends because i fear hubby will like them more because they are smarter have lots more going on and they are prettier and excuse me skinner then me i think my hubby deserves a chance but iam the biggest loser cause i cant trust him or myself u know its like a flip side of a coin one side i want to trust but other side says no way cause if i stripped then he can go into strip clubs u see what i mean but anyways praying for u as well as myself love chloeysmomma

December 6, 2005
11:16 am
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caraway
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I am overwhelmed! I want to believe that this is a manageable condition and that I will be able to live a "normal" life, but DAMN this is hard.

I agree with the logic behind what all of you are saying and feel so empowered at this moment..... but I know later today, in 10 minutes, or 2 hours a wave of fear will wash over me and I will be down there again. It is a very physical reaction; my heart races and I feel as if I am going to puke, a real panic attack.

There is no logic here. I should be able to control my feelings and stop this from happening. I have been to some CODA meetings and agree that I am codependent, but I just don't see how things change? In spite of my best efforts, I say things that I know will upset him and push him away. It is like I am testing him to see how much he can take. If he acknowledges that someone one is attractive I instantly compare myself to that person and assume that he could not possibly want me if that is what he likes. I do the same thing.... I notice attractive people, he dosen't feel threatened by that.

This is an INSIDE JOB... I am my own worst enemy. Am I doomed to a lifetime of therapy and failed relationships? I always leave before someone can leave me.

Cary

December 6, 2005
11:38 am
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TryingToLetGoAndMoveOn
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Oh man...Thankyou ever so much, for pointing this out! As, I am going through this exact same thing, myself, right now. I am having the same problem, with a friend of mine, and my boyfriend.

I do like her, and I do love my boyfriend, however, since he thinks that, she's attractive, then, I feel jealous, because of that. So...I feel uncomfortable with having her, here, with us, for that very reason.

I had suspected, that, Codependency, may have had something to do with this, as...I do feel, as if I am trying to control something, that is beyond my control. I just wanted to thankyou, for hitting the nail, on the head for me. ūüôā

Sincerely,

Trying.

December 6, 2005
11:48 am
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caraway
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Trying, thanks.. I guess that means there are at least two of us out there. It is so unreasonable! I trust this person and don't even know what drives the fear. It isn't like I think that I can't live without him or anything. I just don't want to be wrong about him.

I am ashamed to admit that I have declined invitations to Christmas parties and dinners because I don't want him to be around people that he may find interesting. I get an invitation and the prospect of a fun evening is overcome with that SICK feeling inside.

Thanks for acknowling my feelings.

Cary

December 6, 2005
12:16 pm
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kathygy
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Cary,

Has your bf ever given you ANY reason to doubt his love and committment to you?

Have you talked to bf about this problem as openly and honestly as you have here?

You are not doomed to anything given that you make a committment to yourself to work through these issues.

"I am ashamed to admit that I have declined invitations to Christmas parties and dinners because I don't want him to be around people that he may find interesting."

This is pretty serious if you go that far. I think you need to tell your bf about this behavior.

Why do you value yourself so little? I suspect this comes from childhood wounds.

I think you need to know that you are loveable and worthy of love and committment. Therapy and 12-step meetings can help you with this in addition to coming here.

December 6, 2005
2:16 pm
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caraway
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kathy, I have talked some about these feelings but never as openly as I do here. I always like I have exposed too much of myself after I open up and feel like a loser. You know I am supposed to be the big man that everyone expects me to be (my exterior has never matched my interior). Most everyone in my family, friends, and coworkers think that I have it all together. WRONG!!

The only thing that I can fault him for is that he is very outgoing and somewhat flirtatious, but that is part of what drew me to him to begin with. Why would I want to change him?

I just feel to fu*#ed up to be fixed most days.

December 5, 2011
12:03 pm
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wireless28806
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OK, so what if your partner drinks everyday, all throuout the day, constantly looks at the opposite sex, smiles and flirts in front of you, and has their best friend, of the opposite sex spend the day, and night at their house, getting buzzed, and smoking pot.  What if I am just attracted to the feeling of pain... emotionally unavailable, then am I codependant, or just reliving my childhood??  Characteristics of codependency.. I have, but also chose to be with people like my mother, and that are no good for me.  What am I?

December 6, 2011
7:31 am
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OneFoot
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What are you?  Unhappy?

December 7, 2011
9:15 am
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StronginHim77
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My dear, old friend...

As delighted as I was to see you back on AAC, (you are one of the old timers whom I genuinely miss), I was sorry to read your posting.  There are few things more agonizing than addressing our codependent jealousy which -- unfortunately -- is not always "unfounded."  We tend to gravitate towards individuals who NEED us, (heck, we're the "strong caretakers" of the world, right?), so we are frequently, painfully perceived by these partners as "NEEDY."  And needy people do get betrayed, cheated on and dumped a great deal.  Not sure why, but there you have it.

Some of your fears are probably quite reasonable and justifiable.  I have not met your partner -- nor can I fairly "judge" someone by simple postings on these threads.  However, you do mention his flirtatious and outgoing personality...something which attracted you a great deal at the onset of your relationship.  Now, the very qualities which drew you (because you are more the introspective, withdrawn type) are proving worrisome.  I totally "get it."

Having danced with similar demons in my own past (on more than one occasion), I can tell you what does NOT solve the problem: turning down invitations, isolating both of you from social gatherings which might prove a 'temptation' for him, etc.  That doesn't work, Caraway.  In fact, it will probably kick you in the butt in the long run.  If your partner is truly an outgoing, socially flirtatious type, he needs that sort of outlet to feel good about himself and to interact with others.  If you bottle him up alive, he will eventually grow resentful, lonely and unhappy.  Best to continue with your normal, social outings and trust in the depth of the bond which you share.

It is either there...or it isn't.  And if it isn't?  Best to find out, right? 

Swallow your fears, shake off the needy insecurity by CHOICE and get out there, socially right now.  The consequences to your relationship if you opt for social withdrawal may prove very undermining.  And yes, I do understand your apprehension and fear of being rejected or abandoned.  All of us "codies" do.  But I believe your fears will prove unfounded.

Hugs and Merry Christmas to you, Caraway...

-  Ma Strong

December 7, 2011
11:41 am
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free
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Hi Ma.

 

I don't think caraway's here.  The post was from 2005.

 

free

December 7, 2011
5:27 pm
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StronginHim77
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Crud.  Thanks, Free.  I didn't note the year of the posting.

 

:  (

 

-  Ma

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