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Jack is back
November 3, 2004
12:56 pm
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southgoingzax
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Aces,

Life is so short. How long have you spent being unhappy? How many times has mr. jack made you happy, and how many times has he made you feel sad, angry, or scared? I'm betting the good times are few and far between. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be with? Because this is it, it may get worse, but I'm betting it wont get any better with mr. jack in the picture. I KNOW you have feelings for him, but how many years do you want to go on feeling this way? I would say, not even one more day! But you have to make that decision.

ZAX

November 3, 2004
1:01 pm
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fairy99
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Sweetie you are welcome.

Just do one favor for me, focus on YOU! Everything else is irrelivant. YOU are the most important person. YOU are the ROCK and YOU are strong and solid. You can do this I now in my heart you can. Let it go sweetie, just let it go.

~~fairy~~

November 3, 2004
1:05 pm
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Zinnie
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Aces,

Just remember this then... "technically" Keith never hit Lisa either.

Kicked her beyond recognition

Stabbed her more than 30 times

Raped her

Sodomized her

Broke both her arms

Broke her right leg

Shattered her left leg and hip

Kicked her face in - leaving her with hearing loss, vision loss and brain damage

BUT, he never did "hit" her

Z

November 3, 2004
1:42 pm
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Just chiming in in agreement --

Aces you're doing the right thing by NOT going... I know this man very well (--not literally, but someone identical--), and it serves no purpose to him but to further manupulate you. He needs you more than you need him, because without someone to shove off a pedestal every five seconds to boost his ego, he doesn't exist...

I went through this too...That man never hit me either... But calling you filthy names undeservedly in judgement of your supposed actions or intentions = "I don't value you you, you are a pawn, not a person to me"... Still I tried the "last lunch" thing too, and went away unresolved.. It didn't bring closure, even though that was my intent... It's better to just say "Thanks, but I can't " and leave it alone...

My husband has never hit or threatened me or even called me a name either... But never saying sorry when he's wrong, or allowing me to discuss any issues, or even saying thank you when I do him a favor still = "You aren't worth my time, I don't see you as a human with feelings"... So be careful movign forward as well.. I thought I found a better guy and really didn't... I fell for it twice!.. Learn to see the flags..

Lastly, I want to say to you that it's OK for you to have softer feelings for this person... You have a right to feel what you feel.. But as you know it's unhealthy, put those particular feelings in a little box right now, and don't take them out again until you are ready to be objective about them... You are allowed your laughs and smiles, face it some thigns were probably funny!... But look at those memories again when you can reflect on them, distantly, and in context... Don't let them cloud you now...

Be brave, as they say "This too shall pass".. You may hurt right now, but I guarantee the sun will rise again tomorrow and it will be a new day, and another step towards feeling better!

Take care...

November 3, 2004
2:32 pm
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Anonymous
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Level 7 thank you. That was good to read, not that you have been through the same thing, but that you know how it is. I do struggle, I struggle so much in letting go, letting him go, I realized something last night that I really felt that I don't deserve better. I don't think that I can get better which is bad. I feel like if I did have better , because I am so screwed up, no one would want me. How wrong is that. I know I need to really work on me, but it is scary taking that trip especially when you do it alone.

November 3, 2004
3:18 pm
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fairy99
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It's normal to feel that way after your self esteem has been so crushed but it's not true. You do deserve better you just can't see that right now but you will.

~~fairy~~

November 3, 2004
3:34 pm
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Anonymous
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I know that I just dont think I have ever felt I truly deserve good, but I am slowly getting healthier and learning my misconceptions on things, and will get better.

November 3, 2004
4:01 pm
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You're welcome Aces!

And you are not alone, really, physically alone maybe, but look around you!.. Here are people who know exactly how you feel and will do everything to give you strength, because we want to see you succeed as much as you want to see us succeed...

Maybe another thought: The "missing" feeling is like a hurt.. The "seeing him" is the drug that you think will take that hurt away, but really, it's just a temporary fix till you get hurt agin.. Think of it that way,maybe it will give some perspective and some strength..

Also, yes, I do know what this is like, the separation part is hard... And I know what the "I'm not worthy" feeling is like I struggle with that too... But there's a little light at the end of the tunnel, and it's going to take some work: You need to get used to being free of drama, and be very done with it... It in itself is an addiction, seriously... You don't know what "normal" is or you wouldn't be having difficulty with this situation. You need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin with "normal". That means being true to yourself, and getting rid of things that give you drama/ hurt you. Get rid of that negativity addiction. One day this will "click" in your head and you will understand exactly what I'm saying. Then you will start being healthier than you've ever been. It happened to me, it can happen for you.

You're afraid of loneliness and that no one will want you -- totally untrue! I will almost bet that the minute you relax, find yourself and stop looking for some one else to focus on, someone cool will plop right in your lap! There's probably someone interested in you right now who's too afraid to say something, or that you can't see clearly because of this other mess.. I firmly believe that there is someone for everyone. Have faith!

Just remember, focus beling the best "you" you can be,one day at time.. One day you will look back and see how many steps you've taken and be proud of yourself! That will be a great day.. It will happen... Till then, keep in touch with us! We care...

November 3, 2004
4:36 pm
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Aces,

I wanted to maybe re-explain the "drama" thing -- it sounded harsh, I didn't mean it hat way... Simply put:

People do what they know. If you grew up in an unsettling or unhealthy situation, chances are, you'll try to create it, even unconsciously, because it's familiar to you. Change is hard and scary, but in unhealthy situations, very necessary. My point above was really that it IS hard for people to view themselves as worthy because they are too busy listening to the past and negative self-talk, and forget to look at themselves today and say "Wait a minute, I'm great... I have ---, I can do ---, I am a ---- " and totally forget to give themselves credit... You need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin being "OK" and free of the negative stuff ( relationships, etc.,) and giving yourself that credit, and respectign yourself, so you don't repeat this pattern... The "being OK" is what will click in your head one day, and you will realize how good it feels to breath easy, with little worry or stress.. Being "ok" is uncomfortable at first, but you get to like it...

November 3, 2004
4:53 pm
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Anonymous
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I hope I get to that point soon though. I think you are right about alot of things that you wrote, and I do just need to do it. I am starting that process, I told Mr. Jack that I didnt think we should go, he said Whatever you say.... damn right whatever I say.

November 3, 2004
5:21 pm
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art angel
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Damn right Aces! Good for you 🙂

I'm glad you're listening to Level 7, there's a lot of great advice there.

we'll be here whenever you need us.

love,
art angel

November 3, 2004
5:26 pm
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Anonymous
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((((((hugs to you all))))))))

November 3, 2004
5:30 pm
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art angel
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(((((hugs back)))))

November 4, 2004
4:25 pm
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Anonymous
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Alright well I think I am going to go to the dinner tonight, I keep going back and forth, and I figured if I don't go I will regret it later, I know it is probably a stupid decision but one that I just know I will kick myself for not doing, I would rather regret something I did than something I didn't do.

November 4, 2004
8:52 pm
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art angel
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Aces,

Let us know how it goes.

love,

art angel

November 4, 2004
9:58 pm
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inafog
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I have just joined this chatroom, i feel like i am reading the story of my life in your words. I too, am married to a cocain addict, struggling from day to day with the thoughts of leaving this relationship. Its a long story, way to long to write about tonight. I have stooped to the point of cutting up his credit cards, hiding the car keys, anything I can to keep him home, In my mind to keep him out of harms way. I too am lost. You are not alone. I used to believe that love would conquire anyhing. Have started to believe that sometimes love is not enough. Having things always be just a one way street takes a tole on your well being. I too like you, let his actions control every aspect of my day. I have lost control of my life while I try to control his.....

November 5, 2004
12:19 am
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starryslp
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Aces...how did it go...please let us know!

November 5, 2004
10:01 am
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Anonymous
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It went terrible, and the sad thing is you were all right, all he did at dinner was accused me of cheating on him, criticizing everything about me even that I have long fingers. I cried the last I could cry last night, and when he left I felt so desolate and destroyed. I know this will dissapoint all of you but I slept with him, and I know it was the worst thing in the world after he left. I realized last night, that I need to just stop this completely and totally. I need to take control back of my life and whom I am. I am so ashamed of myself right now, of how weak I am. And most of all I am completely broken down now.

November 5, 2004
10:17 am
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fairy99
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Aces

Sweetie, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are human and we have needs that need to filled whether they are healthy or not. You love this man even though he definatly does not deserve it, and because of that you surrender under any terms. We all strive so deeply to be loved in this world by somebody that we loose sight of what we sacrifice to get it. Like I told you before, you could never do anything to disappoint me, I know it's hard and your hurting.

Just try to continue to go forward. Try to put it all behind you. Have you ever just gotten really mad at him and told him to his face what a jack-ass he is. I mean really mad, yelling , screaming and all. Just unload on him and tell him to GO AWAY. You take control and keep control. I know you can do this, you just have no faith in yourself because you are so battered and bruised by Mr.Jack. He has dumped your self esteem in the dumpster somewhere and you got'a find it sweetie or this will only drag you further down. I'm with ya no mattter what, and you know that. Never criticizing, always listening. The main thing is you need to listen to you. Sorry it went bad, but I had a feeling it would, men like that never change. I'm sending you a hug to make you feel better.

~~HUG~~

~~fairy~~

November 5, 2004
10:23 am
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Anonymous
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Oh FAIRY thank you so much. I feel so bad right now, I cried last night, I was so alone and just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, it hurt so bad, and I did it to myself. And then after he left after we had sex it was so hard for me. I felt better after I talked to a friend of mine, but it hurt so bad, and it hurts today, because all I ever wanted was for him to care, to say one nice thing to me. One thing. I have never heard you look nice, EVER, I have never heard anything besides when we have sex and he "missed me". I think that is why I have sex with him, because it was the only time he let me in a little bit, and I grasped and reached for it, I just wanted a little piece of being cared for and I will never get it, and it hurts. It hurts knowing I have lost who I am in all of this, and most of all it hurts thinking that I didn't obey him and therefore I get punished. It just hurts.

November 5, 2004
10:27 am
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CAMER
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hi Aces..please be easy on yourself, so you slept with him and had dinner with him, that now is in the PAST, its still time that you can move forward. Sometimes I guess life throws these things our way, and hopefully after going ot dinner, and sleeping with him, you can now realize that things will not work out.
I am saying my prayers for you, and
hope you are doing ok.

(((lotsa hugs and support))))

November 5, 2004
10:42 am
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Anonymous
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Thank you so much camer, I know I should be easy on myself but I just can't. I bring in on myself, like that one song goes "you do it to yourself". And I have and I do and I don't want to hurt like this anymore, the pain is so much right now, more than I have ever felt before, and I realized that he truly is the classic profile of an abuser through and through, and I am the classic profile of batterrer syndrome. I hate myself for getting into this, I hate myself for caring for him and I hate myself that I am weak and think all the crap he has ever said held some truth.

Mr Jack says:

You are fat - I weigh 98 pounds

If you listened to me you wouldn't be so stupid.

Your friends are sluts.

If you slept with me on the second date Im sure you do that with everyone.

You over react to everything - when I get upset because he rarely stayed the night.

You are a whore, slut, bitch

I hope you kill yourself

You make me feel like crap.

If you hadn't ignored my calls I wouldnt have gotten mad, it's all your fault.

People know that people from India have no common sense.

November 5, 2004
11:00 am
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Cristine
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Aces... I can tell you one thing. It's a good thing about the anonomity rule on this board. If not, I swear to god, I'd kick his ass for you. He's a complete asshole. He's not just saying things because he's not thinking, he's completely thinking about what he's saying, and he's intentionally hurting you!

I'm so sorry that he said all of those things, and you know that none of them are true, don't you! Surround yourself with people who talk better to you and support you. Realize he is a weak, horrible little creature (I won't even say man, cause real men don't say those kinds of things). He is weak, and gets a kick out of hurting you. It makes him feel stronger.

November 5, 2004
11:07 am
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Anonymous
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The sad thing is that it does hurt, I let it hurt, because I let myself care for him, and it hurts so much. I wish I never met him, for the first time in my life I regret meeting someone.

November 5, 2004
11:12 am
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bubishi76
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Aces,
Did I read that you are from india. Are you Hindu?? If so, remember the story of Kyanukumari and Bra.... Well I can't remember the total names from the spelling but you may know the story I'm talking about. Of the Female warrior that killed that devil guy.

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