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I've messed up
May 7, 2001
5:10 pm
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kbr599
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September 29, 2010
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I don't know how to begin these things but I need some advice from neutral people.

I guess I just have to start at the beginning and say that I met my husband in February and by the end of April I was pregnant. Being that I had just turned 21and still living at home I felt very scared. My parents weren't harsh or strict but I always was raised very proper and when my husband and my father said marriage I did what was proper. By September of the same year I was married and by January I had a stillbirth. I was very depressed to say the least for quite some time. A year later we moved across the street from a guy I went to Highschool with and had remained good friends with. My husband was a paramedic and always gone. Never home. My friend was always there when I needed him. Nothing has ever happened between us, we just always hung out. This was several years ago and the whole group has been great friends, but there has always been these feelings of wanting more from the other guy. Recently my husband found my journal of thoughts and discovered my feelings for our friend. The friend doesn't know anything about it. (that I know of) I have had to do a lot of thinking in the past month and I'm not sure what to do. I haven't talked to anyone but my best friend, which also happens to be the sister of this guy. She is being surprisingly objective about this considering they are so close but I feel like I'm putting her in a spot she won't want to be in later.
I have a 2 yr. old daughter and a brand new house and a husband I don't love and a very good friend I do love dearly. I would love to let him know what's going on I'm sure he's wondering. But the sad thing is I'm more afraid of losing him than my husband. I'm so lost I never thought I’d ever be in this type of situation. I want help but I don't know if I want help to fix it or end it. I feel like such a failure and a disappointment to my family even though no one even knows. I don't know if I should talk to my family and figure it out from there, or just suck it up and stick this out because I don't want to hurt my husband.

May 7, 2001
5:31 pm
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charity
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Sounds like you got married for all the wrong reasons. A solid, lasting marriage doesn't happen by the route you two took. If you and your husband are friendly, have fun together, share dreams and private thoughts, I say give it your best shot. Forget the other guy-the grass is always greener-and make a genuine effort with the man you chose. If your relationship is that of roommates, then I suggest you cut your losses and make it as painless on your little one as possible. Never ever speak negatively about the other parent to the child, under any circumstance.
You don't say if you have an education or a job. You won't make it far without either one, especially with a child. Getting a job might help you feel better about yourself so you can look to yourself for happiness and acceptance instead of outward to a man.

May 7, 2001
7:29 pm
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Molly
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Like she said the grass always looks greener, but when we cross over its just another lawn. Forget it, apologize to your husband. #1 he must have been feeling insecure to have looked in your private journal #2 you made a commitment and have no choice. When we are stuck in a weed patch its easy to find the nicer lawns, but look at what you have vs what you might be able to get. You have a new house, you have a daughter, you are the one that has made choices to futher the relationship. We women get confused on what love looks like, and lust is not it. It is buying the house being a provider, bieng a loving father, and offering marriage, when the baby is made. It sounds like you have a real good guy, when you don't compare him to a fantasy. You can't love him when you are comparing him, and finding him lacking. Get some books, look at your character, and think long term consequence, why would mr wonder ful across the street want a woman who cheats on a providing husband? Why would mr wonderful want a woman who is off galavanting or thinking of sexual escapades when she has a child to rear? Re focus, your not bad, just not thinking . Marriages that start out for all the wrong reasons, can make it, because you started out rough, now celebrate the man you have, and be a good person, from now on.

May 7, 2001
11:55 pm
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Alena
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If you met him in February and married in April, how could you possibly have the time to fall in love before you committed your entire life to him? Sure, you've been together now for 2 years and you may appreciate him, you may like him alot for his goodness and his true attempts to be a good dad and husband and do the right thing. But, that doesn't mean you love him. It could be just an obligation.

I agree that the grass is always greener on the other side, and I also agree that you should forget this guy across the street in the real green yard. He is not the answer.

Get the guy out of your head, he is not your best friend either. He is a guy who is stepping over the line with the married lady across the street. Drop him and his fantasies he represents. Don't jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.
But, if you can honestly say you do not love your husband, you are not happy, then I don't know how you can continue to stay with him. You'll only make him and your child unhappy and they don't deserve that kind of life either. But, don't ..do not...let the guy across the street be the catalyst for leaving your husband. NOT a good move...you'll regret it.

May 8, 2001
6:34 am
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janes
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Yup.... What they said.....

Start romancing your hubby....MAKE it work.

Molly often recommends Relation Rescue.

Keep the friend but change the way you see him.

You are the SAFE married lady...accross the street.

May 12, 2001
4:45 pm
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shugarmagnolya
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September 27, 2010
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yes, work on your marriage first and if that doesnt work than work on making yourself happy....Maybe since you are not happy in your relationship, this guy across the street seems like the easy way out. A few months of knowing a guy before marrying him is not enough time to completely "know" a man and love everything about him. Maybe you should work on knowing your husband more and maybe you'll find things that you absolutely adore and salvage your relationship. You have a lot at stake here, a kid, a house, obligations...so it would be worth it. I know being depressed makes you agitated by those around you, it might not be your husband that is the problem but just inner feelings that are eating away at you because they are not resolved that you are taking out on your husband. Be gentle with yourself.

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