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I've lost myself .... !!! , I really deed help to get out of my deep depression ...
November 4, 2001
9:02 am
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deepression
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I'm really confused to talk about how could this had happened to me , I really wasn't the way I'm now , I used to be outgoing and understanding , able to consider any difficulties as chalenges , able to analyze any situation even if it does involve me personally and yet be able to solve it , and get back to enjoy many things in life , especially most absract issues like , Nature and and imagination , computer games , Music , especially classic music ..., not anymore , I'm barely able to interact correctly with my surroundings ...

but now I'm a different person , I used to think that I'll always be able to get back as I used to be , never thought that depression could cause so permenant damage to my brain , does it ?? does it really !!!?

a strange scary doubt about evrything is now planted in my brain to the roots .... , unlike my previous very enthusiastic course , infact I used to consider the future as a safer and more garunteed place to think of , a future that is going to be better with faith and true sensations ..., not any more now ..

what else , what can I say ?? , all this started 6 years ago , since I entered univercity , and faliures and dissapointments started to accumelate ... , but I swear god knows it is not my fault , here in Jordan , education is a very fake issue , infact it is a very innatural process that involves blidness and ignorance more than it can use sensitivity and imagination along with deep belief in science and true commitment to it ...

recently , I had another slap at my face , the one that had finished and completely dried my hope of recovery , it is an emotional crises with the girl that I've been loving for the past 10 years , and was planing to get married to ,but she is gone now , but without further detailes , this thing wasn't supposed to hurt me that much if it had struck me in a different conditions , but with my already injured to the bone self confidense , it was a deadly hit .... , and it was to force me to start thinking about suicide which I tried to commit several times and was really close to it , but it seems like this very thin strand of light and hope and my deep commitment to my family made all my trials a faliure , yet I'm still in an eveready state for commiting it when I get really disperate ... , in fact my escape from suicide hasn't made me any better , it made me worse and evrytime less sensitive and more confusing ... and lost ...

I don't know if I had explained my case clearly or not , but if I had the chance to do that 2 or 3 years ago , I might had more strong feelings and words to express , but now I really don't care anymore , I only had this very warm and overwhelming deepression that I'm afraid had erased evrything else I had in my memmory ... , it is going to make me a new person , not a better one though I'm afraid ..

Please I really need subjective help here , please tell me what should I do before I copmpletely loose my self ..

accept all my respect for taking the time to read my thread ... thanks ..

my e-mail is : [email protected]

November 10, 2001
10:27 pm
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cleo
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November 10, 2001
10:46 pm
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cleo
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Dear Depression,

You must be aware that depression is a physical illness.
If you are at a place in your emotions where you feel out of control daily and you feel as though you are losing yourself,
you need to see a physician, psychiatrist, or counselor. Depression is a very serious disorder and can be a fatal one.
This is one trick that someone shared with me that you may not be aware of that really really helped me when I was having a lot of problems with depression. It will help to give you some relief until you can get to the Dr. or get help from someone. It is called "detachment". It simply means to detach from the stresses in your life by leaving them behind in your mind. Give yourself permission to "let go". This will help you to relax. Depression is not sadness. It will not get better with a "good cry". True depression is a physical illness. You really need to see a Dr. because oftentimes depression is a result of some underlying illness that you are not aware of. I have spent many years with the "black dog" of depression. Just remember that you can give yourself permission to put the dog in the dog house anytime you like. You don't have to let him out until you decide to. I hope you attend to your depression. Would love to hear from you. God Bless You, Cleo

November 11, 2001
3:11 pm
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janes
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This will be in capitals cuz you really need to HEAR this!!!

REREAD BLOONDIES POST 10 TIMES

NOW

GET THE PHONE BOOK AND CALL ALL THE PSYCH'S AND COUNSELORS UNTIL YOU GET AN APPOINTMENT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!

You probably have very treatable symptoms...managable etc etc etc.

It may take meds or therapy or both

But you will feel just this way until YOU seek help

Nothing wrong with it...lots of us here have done it..and lots of us waited so long it took longer to "get fixed"

No Man is aan Island....seek help so you can help others too.

Good LUCK and remember we often MAKE our own Luck

November 17, 2001
2:48 pm
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deepression
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Oh dear ...

Sorry my good friends ..., I really didn't read this post almost 2 weeks ago , I continued to post on the other thread " Deepression 2 " , and the correct " ..need.." one , I replyed to u dear blondie , have you read it ... ??

Thanks for you all , Cleo , janes and blondie .., I really appreciate it ...

I'm sorry I was busy in the last 2 weeks , ... ahhhhhhhh .... :~~( , what can I say ... , I really don't believe it , we had a CAT scan to my father and it appeared that he has lung CANCER .... :~~~~~((( .... , I can't stop crying for the last 3 days ... , he was fighting a strange pain for the last 6 months , a pain that comes and goes in a very odd manner , I previously insisted that my father sees a doctor , and he refused for some time , but all the doctors that he had visited didn't EVEN mention cancer , we was expecting something , ... but NOT CANCER ... , until the last one who sugested to have a cat scan , Oh my GOD ... , and I'm allready in a very bad and deep state of depression , what shall I do ...??

Dear Cleo , I supose I am now FORCED to be detached from my life ... , to a new defferent one , how can I give my father hope when I'm in the most need for it ... , how can I give it , when I don't have it !!!??

aaaahhhhh .... , my poor father .. :~~~~(
I've already caused enough dissapointment , and he's the main reason that made me to give up on suicide ..??

wah can I do now ...

Cleo , I'm really sorry , I wanted to speak to you more about my previous Post , and actually to thank you and janse and blondie for you kind words , but I'm TOTALLY CONFUSED NOW , I almost forget evrything I said before , all I have is the same deep sad depression , add now the new fear and doupt , aahhh , GOD help us , I can't think , I cant speak , I can't do anything , and I'm afraid it will get really BAD at my colleage now ... :(((

hopw to hear from u all soon ..

November 19, 2001
1:45 am
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gloria
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deepression:
I feel for you… I know I cannot take your pain away, but remember there are others of us who share the pain, who support you. I know it can be almost too much to bear at times. Though you do not see us, know there are many who support you silently and pray for you. We are with you. And you can let it all out, whatever you are feeling, the anguish, the anger, the loneliness. Even the non-feeling, the numbness. Write it all down; describe it as exactly as you can. We are listening.

November 19, 2001
5:15 am
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deepression
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November 26, 2001
8:36 am
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deepression
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November 26, 2001
12:09 pm
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Molly
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Finish that sentence, we are here.

November 27, 2001
8:47 am
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deepression
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frankly , I've never been to a psychic doctor before , actually it is not easy to get one here , I almost doubt that they even exist here in Jordan !!! , ironically , NO BODY NEEDS THEM HERE ... , and for a true psychic , Jordan will become like HELL to him , he won't be able to continue , and that's why they might have extincted here...

our problem is that almost evrybody here shares the same level of shortness of sight ,rudeness and ovar blind confidence , even in the most promising places like educational facilities , in fact especially in these places , ignorance and irrelevant naivety glares at its best level ...

people here develops socially mentaly and spiritually in a very odd manner , suddenly evrybody is starting to play a different roll in this theater , social development depends on just how good does your acting gets with time ? , any kind of development must have some materialistic motive for it , they have nothing absolute in there life , the only absolute thing is that verb of acting itself , I might started to deviate from what I actually want to say ... , but this is actually what is going on here ... ,

when it comes to me , the last thing you can actually describe me with is confidince .... ,I don't need confidence as it is , it only comes when I actually UNDERSTANDS , when I am logically AWARE of what is going on , when I'm able to use my imagination and feelings in a controllable manner, and confidence comes by the way , it comes after trial and error , when you're actually intrested in the process itself but not in the goal , it grows and experience starts to accumulate , the BIG picture starts to get clearer and clearer , at least you become more aware of the dark pieces , and your sensations starts to mature ..., and thinking BOOSTS your energy to its limit ....

what people exhibits here is completely the OPPOSITE of this ..., don't ask me how though ...!!!

and it is very clear in our academic processes and development , even the most highly degreed ppl suffer this kind of deep error ..
at that level of control , sience and truth looses all its intimate meanings and goals ....

I hope I am not missing with words , using them at the wrong places ...

and the most killing fact is that u can't find anybody to share any of your critics with ,

I am really not a grumbling person , I am not used to this , I always consider my self wrong and restarts the whole process again and finish exactly in the same place .... , it only happened recently when I started to be desperately straiten by deepression ,dissapointments , doubt and dryness of sensations ...

I've lost my selfmotivation ... , I've lost all my intellectuall abilities , i started to doubt that I actually ever had any ...!!!! I might not ....

not to mention the rest of latest crises .... , that I'm sure that if I were in a different conditions , I'll be more able to control and solve ...

after the whole last harsh 7 years , the most devastating thing is the feeling of wasteness ...

!!!!!

November 28, 2001
5:32 am
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deepression
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November 28, 2001
2:07 pm
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toungetied
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Hello,

I happened to be suffering the web, looking for any relevant information on body therapy. That is how I got here anyway. Then I stumbled accross this post - when I read the message "I've lost myself...!!!" I stopped. It resonated with me because of the convictions that you presented, I can identify with. I had high hopes and aspirations. I came from a family used to totalitarian rule, without the slightest inclination to do for themselves or more importantly to think for themselves. The climate in which I was raised was one of control without any logical, educational, scientific, emotional consideration. The irony is that I was born in the Soviet Union and raised by parents who spent the better half of their lives there, and yet materialism became the end and be all to all existence. Except that in their case it wasn't the feverish race for economic prosperity and status, it was the opposite: it was being held in a state of fear due to the possible loss of any material security. My parents had become so incredibly dependent on the government to take care of all their basic needs, that in a so-called free society, the choices presented were overwhelming. I remember nothing but a state of fear within my house. A state of absolute domination and an underlying chaos. It was the Soviet Union inside and on the outside it was free unconstrained capitalism. On the one hand all the message were you are nothing unless you are "somebody" and that meant being a fake and a phony in my mind, although I didn't know it then. And in the house the complete opposite messages were told to me. Don't stand out, don't tell anyone who you are, never experience your feelings, and just pretend like nothing is going on. Sounds familiar, they used to do that shit in the Soviet Union all the time. So here I was an American born in the Soviet Union, brought over at the age of four. I no longer spoke Russian and my parent couldn't speak english. There was no communication. However, there was indirect communication about expectations. For in the Soviet Union people were supposed very academically versed and proficient. So as I started to get older, a creeping insecurity washed over me. A sort of anti-American sentiment in the house was becoming evident. Americans in my family were seen as uneducated, crass, and ignorant. Ofcourse that contributed to the way that I saw other Americans and felt alienated from them. By the same token, I wasn't accepted as a Russian either. I was nowhere. I started going to therapy, yet another alien concept to my family, who rejected everything I did, because they couldn't relate. This drove me crazy. I finally primal therapy and started experiencing some of these emotions that I had repressed all of my life. The rivers opened wide and I felt liberated for the first time in my life. But..this liberation did have its own cost. My eyes opened and I started to see things and feel things. I began work as a mental health counselor after working in a nursing home for a year. At first I was miserable at the job and thought I made a grave mistake. But then I slowly started acquiring insight. And like you deeepressed, I started to get the feeling of disallusionment. I also had a girlfriend who I loved very much at the time. But these nagging feelings of suspicion wouldn't leave me alone. Suffice it to say that I stopped believing in the system that I was a part of. I started to voice my views and challenge the status qou and nobody liked it. Before I knew it I was an outcast. Not only that but everything was being done to see to it that I wouldn't be able to work their anymore. So I find myself debating an existensial question. Have I ever had any real friends, or were they my friends as long as I was who I was to them. This may sound crazy but, I put it to the test. After being involved with a woman at work who sabotoged me and tried to get me to conform to her every demand and wish, I left everything behind, including my family. I decided that the only recourse I had left was to be homeless, that way I don't have to be a fake anymore. I went to NYC and stayed in the Port Authority bus terminal and found that I was completely alone and fearing that I would lose my mind. I was raised in a completely over-protected over-controlled environment and here I was by myself god know where...I became after all of my education and my artistic pursuits...a bum. I called my friend in the city and she said I could come over. What I encountered I will never forget. Her roomate said that he didn't want me there and gave me two weeks. I lost all my confidence and was unable to form any articulate coherent statements about how I felt. I did have another friend who took me in but demanded that I don't leave him without paying. It was then I did realize that I didn't have any true friends. I tried to work as bike messenger and I couldn't concentrate. I was detached from my body. My mind was simply elsewhere. I got hit by two cards, my bike damaged but I wasn't hurt. I got another bike and then forget where I left it. I had enough. I couldn't stand the pressure and couldn't believe that no one even saw what I was going through and were concerned about paying the rent. Well in retrospect I do understand that you have to pay the rent but I was mad and in no shape to work. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually drained and tapped out. I got in my car and went to my friend's place in New Jersey. I just started sobbing uncontrollably and he held me. I asked him if I could stay with him for a while and his brother objected. It was his brother's place so that's it. I got in my car with all my things and went west with no direction. I deluded into thinking I was free. I sold all my things on the way and finally got to Mexico where my car got stuck in a ditch. Local folk helped me out greatly. I ended staying at this Mexican family
's place. They were very kind to me and fed me, but I felt so guilty. I couldn't do anything for them. The son who originally took me in, I thought at the time was doing me a great favor. But then it started. We driving around in my car and he would ask me if I could buy him a new jean jacket. At first I said yes thinking about how much they've done for me. But then I starting getting this feeling again. He started talking about coca-cola and buying hamburgers in California. I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. And then he began to drop hints that he wanted me to go buy things across the border and open up a kiosk. I didn't know what to think. I guess I had a misconception, watching all those Hollywood movies about people who were poor and didn't want anything from you. But on the other hand, I was in no position to judge. I didn't have anything to offer, and I knew that I didn't want to be a freeloader. I left shortly after and contacted my folks in California. I sold my car and took a bus back to the east coast. On the way, on the grey hound bus, a woman in her elderly years started screaming that people were going to kill on her the bus. I thought to myself, this must be kind of nightmare. I just can't get away. She started going towards the door while the bus was moving and the driver told her to sit down. I couldn't believe, everyone was laughing at her. I thought this was some kind Orwellian nightmare. She sat down and I approached her. I asked her what was happening and she said to me "Why should I trust you?" I said "you have to trust somebody, right?" I don't what happened but she warmed up to me. I got her something to eat and she started showing me pictures of an old house that was hers that her sister sold without her consent. I kind of felt like a hero for a second when a yound girl told me that I was really great with her. It started to remind me of my old job as a counselor and really listening to people. I decided to help her get home and went off course to Alabama. When we got to the bus station they were expecting her. I told that I would take care of it and that I promised her. They called the cops. They cops questioned me, ran my license you know all the cop things. I started to get this horrible feeling, that you can't even do anything for anybody anymore if you didn't get paid for it and you weren't a professional. The sergeant came and barked at me telling me to get lost. They wanted me on the first bus out of there and were willing to give me a free ticket. I refused and decided instead to go look around town. I checked in a Salvation Army and that did it. All I saw around me were job instructions and curfews and I felt that I wound in a jail unwittingly - a jail under the auspices of helping people. I took my things and left and had nowhere to go in some southern small town which I had never been before. I lost it completely. I called my ex-girlfriend and told her that we should go to Argentina together. She led me along and told me she would and that she would buy a plane ticket for me to meet her in NY. I got on the plane and when arrived she was there crying with an EMT. She told me that she was having trouble breathing and her best friend was there with her. We went into an ambulance and then the questioning started. Her friend started attacking me with questions and then I caught onto what was going on. Next thing I know I was in a psychiatric hospital getting an evaluation. I lied through my teeth and they let me go. I wound back at my parent house and that is when all hell broke loose. I got re-hospitalized. Then I got re-hospitalized again. On the third time I escaped from the hospital upon admission. Since they took all my money, again nowhere to go and I cop found me by a shopping mall. Somehow I got up the nerve later to go to North Carolina where I took an acting class to finish my degree. Really I just wanted to get as far away from my town, my parents and all the hospitals. In North Carolina, I took 150 pills and overdosed. I woke up in a hospital again. I thought to myself I am in hell. I woke with electrodes on my body. I thought they gave me ECT or something, but it was to revive me. I was discharged and again back in my house where no one ever even talked about it. They acted as if nothing happened. Having no strength left, I somehow got an apartment or a room should say and a job in family run pizzaria. Before I knew it I was working 70 hours and dissociating like hell. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think. I had another breakdown. What got me was that no one was able to tell the state I was in. On the contrary, because my boundaries were non-existent they pushed to the edge. The boss, a nice guy, kept insisting I work more and more hours. Finally I quit and left the apartment and went into the hospital again. It's been 7 months since I've been out. I quit all the medication, becuase it wasn't doing any good. And I am still alive. I don't want to die anymore, nor do I think I even can. Now, I am back where I started, in my family's house. But this time it is a little different. They don't push me anymore, they don't really support me either or do the best they can. But what I have realized is that it is up to me. Everything that happened led me to this point. My parents well they were fucked up and so they passed it along. And now it is my turn unless I do something about it. The world is a fucked up place and everything that is supposed turns out that it isn't. So, I can only offer this: if I made it through all of that and I am still able to write this then you can too and I would very much like to hear about it.

November 28, 2001
3:10 pm
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Ladeska
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My congratulations to you, Tonguetied. My goodness - haven't you shaken the foundations of things to the roots and back again! Cheers Mate!! I think it's only the appropriate thing to do while on the planet, don't you? (smile) ah yes....tis an interesting place, this life, when you deviate from the herd mentality and dare to walk another path. Gets a little sticky, doesn't it?

You're at a crucial time in your life because you've just skinned the banana and now you're looking at it going - so...do I eat it or what?

The truth is - IF you dare to really "see" with your eyes and "hear" with your ears - it's probably not going to sit well with you as to - what you see and hear - because it will run head long into - what you've been taught and that can paint a rather contradictory picture....so, you can ignore it or you pull yourself up to the table and go - hm,m,m.....so....what does this mean and why isn't block A matching up with block B?

Most people don't ever get to where you are because they sell out long before OR - they never want to ask the question anyways. They just go the path of least resistance because they are okay - just existing.

And....once someone does get here - most will turn around and burrow even farther into the ground to drown out - what they do not like and cannot explain.

I see you.....still perched on your little perch...a few feathers rather ruffled, but otherwise, pretty much in tact. Proud of ya. Not cool that your back with mom and pop, but better than being on the streets! Need to make tracks to get out of there when you can. Glad the noise level from them has subsided though. This does help.

So....the deal with you having no friends, is probably pretty true. I suspect your requirements for friendshp are rather demanding and so they should be... I have had very few friends in my life, too and I completely understand where you are coming from. But...it's not new news...this concept. I think the more you become aware of yourself, of what goes around you, the more you call things as they are, sidestepping the political correct way to call things....you thereby end up making people back up because they aren't as comfortable being "so real". Not many people will - pony up - with that and that's just the way it is. There are few truly brave people with integrity on the planet, so stop thinking you're going to run into a flock of them....won't be happening...they are very rare.

You have to decide what manner of "friend" you are looking for and stop looking in the garbage can for that. You "pick and choose" instead of just bumbling into someone and seeing if "they like you". For once - you be the one who interviews.... And if you judge people by what your heart is....be warned - you'll get plenty hurt. Most people won't play by that tune, but they will take advantage of you for it. Trick to learn here is - you become very selective about "who you give to" and if you can spare giving and getting nothing in return - then you can do that, too. But, you never expect someone - to just be on your page and to have the same character that you do. Most of the time - this just isn't so. You have an empty room now, so you need to be extremely selective about how - you decorate it and who and what you bring into it. It needs to be "your room" and no one else's.

Two things here - you need to shed - what your life has told you are and take a good long inventory about who you are and the next time you walk out the front door - don't look back for anyone's approval. The other thing is - there is a harmony in this world....an ether of beauty that is only found by way of walking a road that was never laid out for everyone....but for - just a few...

You need to establish once and for all - what makes you smile..., what makes this life worthwhile for "you", what things in this world, in this life are absolutely beautiful and how can you put your fingers down deep into the paint of life and become a true artist....that does everything he does from his heart, his soul..

You have danced all around this and you have been to the ends of the earth and yourself.....yet, in this still, small, quiet place - the answer lies in the wide open...waiting for you to stop running and find peace. The creation of you - isn't about anyone else...I think you've looked elsewhere long enough, time to face "you". (smile)

Some books for you...People of the Lie, by Dr. Scott Peck, The Wisdom Hunter, by Randall Arthur, The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.

December 4, 2001
9:24 am
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deepression
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toungetied ............!!!! , is there anything that I can say to add to all what u have said ... ??? , I don't think so ... , you actually described some of the lost parts that I haven't mentioned about my case ,you listed particular patterns of events that really took place with me ..

you are a very self respectfull man , you have what it takes to be integrated and unified by your own terms and perceptions , your intellectual world does include a fortunate part of the universe as it is , when I've read your post ( which I am very gratefull for ) your words describing your feelings started to articulate in my mind before I read them , still I have very little tiny part of what you have .....

I wish If I may delve into more details of my problem as I see it on one hand and as it actually happens on another hand , I want to descuss with you and others the roots of the problem and the circumestances and events surounding me for the last years ...

again my good friends ..... , I swear that IF and only IF I ever had the chance to talk to the sort of brave , understanding and respecting people like you toungetied and the marvelous ladeska , even if we had complete different openions ( which we don't ), I'll be in a VERY GOOD condition , I'll still be able to construct the big picture without any fears of failure , in fact FAILURE it self will have a complete different taste , it will actually TASTE anything but hurtful and roots shaking ... , I'll be able to accept it and live with it , cause I would have enjoyed the journey itself more than anything else ....

THIS again is something that you should NEVER and I repeat NEVER try to look for here in our society ,
as rare as such people are like Ladeska mentioned , they virtually doesn't exist here , and I mean to say people who for a very short period or phase of thier lives DOUBT in an endevour to see better REALLY different options , the actuall available options aren't that much ...... ,

If u think of it , I really can't blame anybody for that , Jordan historically and economically and in any other view is no more than a PROTECTORATE ... , I won't though delve now into any political or social proofs for that ...

but we are of massive shortness of the required experiences and phases to be involved in to actually be able to reach to what we ARE now in ... , no wonder we are phony engendered ...

THanks again , I'll be back soon ...

December 5, 2001
4:20 am
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deepression
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December 5, 2001
5:59 pm
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Dear Depression,

First of all I want to let you know that I was sorry to read about your father's condition.

Also I wanted to let you know that I empathise with you mainly because I feel that I have more or less been in your position.

I don't know whether your situation is one that requires medical help as such - I suppose you and the other readers will be the judge of that.

The love you know your family has for you - the fact that you were able to go to university etc.. - the fact that you where the person you say you were in the past should give you encouragement to get up on your feet.

Sometimes when we MAGNIFY and over-analyse our "problems" we tend to make things more difficult for ourselves when in actual fact they are quite insignificant.

Up to an extent it is up to us whether we improve on the quality of our lives and try to get ourselves out of a particular state we are in...
even if it only involves taking small steps at a time...ie. Pamper yourself abit... avoid doing things that make you panic or depress you until you feel ready to...Travel if you can...listen to music that inspires you...

Ahh!!! A suggestion... There's a really good book "Veronica Decides to Die" by Paulo Coelho that I strongly recommend if you can be bothered to read.

Anyway I'm sorry if I confused you. I just wanted to try and get my opinion across.

Take care - dreamer2

December 10, 2001
8:33 am
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deepression
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to all of you friendly honest people ... THANKS ... A LOT ..

recently , I'm seeing my beloved girl , she lives next door anyway ... , I can't forget that girl , she's a tight integrated part of my past here , it is not easy to forget someone that you've been taking her love forgranted for the past 9 years ... , I feel such a STRIKING MASSIVE PAIN when I see her with her fiance ... , I get a damn shock each time ...

she's been the only one that I've ever knew .... , the first and the only girl since I came to jordan in 1991 back from Kuwait ( where I was born ) after the Gulf War ..... , before that my experiences with females were virtually zero ... , I used to live in Kuwait in a very conservative circumestances , my family is a relegious one , with some dry over conservative measures .. , I wasn't actually directly suffering from that , although ( if I may mention this ) , I had an early stage of sexual awakening and physical adulthood ,and over sensitive sensations for the opposite sex , I had my first masturbation at the Age of 7 , I still remember it , I was at the second elemantary class ... ,though at that time I wasn't aware of what I used to do.. ( still doing it though ), but I guess this is a normal thing in Hot weathered countries like persian gulf countries...., I still don't know if anybody of my family had noticed anything ...., or they've as usual ignored it ...

please forgive me If I'm deviating from the original subject , but it is actually a related thing , at the time I met this girl my curiousity and belonging for the opposite sex was at its most strange phase ,
with Ruba ( her name ) , it wasn't SEX as it is , it was a very warm and shy feeling of intimate belonging to see her and staring at her face , listening to her voice and even smelling her odor !!!!!,

still I've NEVER tried to express anything directly , in fact I always used to meet her and get to know her character more ocasionally under the cover of being almost like a brother and a sister because our familys are very intimate neighbours , and I really used to deal with her like a brother for the time being , with frequient mentions for my actuall driving love and need for her as we plan to get married in the future , and she was completely alternating me the feeling and intentions , infact she was trying to cross the RED LINES that I HAVE BEEN PUTING between us for the sake of her ...

still with the time she wasn't my primary or only goal , I mean love and marriage and consequently sex are more of as methods to be able to continue and get the balance evrybody needs , rather than being ultimate goals by themselves in life , of course this is THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE concept of what marriage is being taken for in this society ...

and I got more and more sinked into my endevours and dissapointments at Univercity , with the least caring for anything else ... , before I knew it this became my primary issue and I really started to suffer , but still have some fake (as I see it now )relief when I meet or see Her occasionally , along with some true inspiring happits that I was still able to enjoy like classic music , computer games and nature admiring ....

at that time , I was still very ensuthiastic for my goal to actually be ABLE to UNDERSTAND and IMAGINE AND FEEL in a positive manner in any situation , which is the most rich and generous source of my dissapointments and deepression tough .... ,

still I was very sincere and commited to her . ,
1.5 years ago , as she has finished college and I ofcourse didn't ... , marriage proposals started to rain on her , and I was suffering the darkest stage of my depression , my family has nothing to do with anything as usuall , I can't talk to any of them about the steamy love still boiling in my chest for her ... , and I suppose she was as unable to do anything as I ( or may be I was hoping for that ) , maybe under the pressure of her mother .. finally she chose to continue with out me , she chose to be REALISTIC and logical , at the sake of her own words as she told me the last time we talked after she was engaged .....

I see ...... , so I was unrealistic and dreamy ...... , hmmmm , I WAS UNREALISTIC WHEN I BLOCKED HER CAPRICES and MINE ... at the time that I could have taken MOST udvantage of her , I was Unrealistic and unlogical when I didn't take her as my ultimate goal and still be at my most growing need and sincerity for her ....., here I can't find any proper letters or words to articulate my feelings at that point .... , not to mention that my confidence was allready INJURED TO THE BONES .... , my confidence in the system or in people as they are ... or even in myself ..

I wasn't actually shocked or surprised by her situation ( I WAS DEEPLY HURTED) !!!, cause I was desperately over filled with similar negative attitudes from other numerous people concerning almost any aspect of life .... , I was filled with phony acts and attitudes and claims from people unwilling to loose or sacrifice for any reason ...

I was deeeeeeeeepressed ...

I've discovered that she's no more than even worse than any of these GIFTED NAIVE ACTORS filling any position you can find for them in this fake country .... , people gifted in taking advantage of others ...

I will not talk about my despirate endevours to suicide though , I am really afraid to think of them ... , I'm afraid I'll tend to desperately find a logical reason for suicide as I USED TO DO ....

I'm still confused , I really still sometimes able to sense my love to her as if nothing happened , mixed with a deep pain and tears , and lately with SHAME after my father's cancer crise ...

December 14, 2001
3:01 pm
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deepression
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December 14, 2001
4:39 pm
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Deepression,
Hi, you will find many friends here. I would like to be one.
One thing I would like to talk to you about, is not spirtual.
I think Ladeska is most adept at helping you find out WHAT IS REAL. If you dare to know? That is a scary journey.
But what becomes apparent to me when I read your post is how desperately you need real intervention.I know you said that it is hard to get, and at the best confusing
in the social, political and medical climate in Jordan. But I must persist to, say, YOU MUST STILL SEEK HELP, AND NOT STOP UNTIL YOU GET IT.
I feel very strongly , about this because I recognize the
true clinical signs of depression, and you exhibit them. You mention suicide, you discard the idea, but you come back to it. You are unable to find ANYONE to talk to, you are experiencing a family crisis right now, you have suffered the lost of a loved one's affection, you are enduring the rigors of
college academics and the competive nature surrounding it,
you are dissallusioned with the moral, spirtual and political realities of your country. This is a lot for any human being, but it is more difficult when your mind is BROKE. I say this in all honesty, some are your thoughts , are just part of your deprssion.
Depression, is not just an emotions, it changes our thought process... Actual brain changes occur, chemicals get screwed up, synapses don't make their connections.. The results,, very confused thinking. Not only are all your emotions going
through the BLACK CLOUD FILTER of depression, but left untreated, the mind actually malfunctions , and your normally rational and intelligent thoughts,are scrambled and distorted,and I see some of that in your writing. It's kind of like dumping all of life in the same blackhole ,even the good,, as you start to look at your life , every thing just builds , and builds to this horrible crescendo, because you can't divide and seperate anymore, or be at all objective.
And it is hard to get through the layers of depression some time, but as you pull it back you will (YOU ARE GOING TO WANT TO SLAP ME FOR THIS ONE), find that everything is not as bad as it seems. Some stuff is bad, really bad, some stuff just IS...and isn't worth your time. And when you are not battling depression you will learn which is which.
PLEASE STAY FOCUSED ON GETTING HELP RIGHT NOW...

December 20, 2001
10:45 am
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strengthcourageandwisdom ...... , you can't imagine how refreshed and happy I am when I hear from objective people like yourself , I could never get upset from anything you say , You and other good people like you are the only resort i can find lately , you might not still believe and GOD knows that you really can't find anybody to be even close to say what you can say ......

please what is your suggestions ?? , I'll do anything .....,

by the way , recently , I went to see the social counsler in our univercity , I don't know , he seems to be supposed as a psychic counsler or something , but actually the guy is exactly as bad as I could expect him to be , he's an ordinary employee with no self respect or other's respect , with know actuall absolute goal or the least commitment to help other's and respect thier point of views , when I started to talk about my problems , he seemed like he's taking evrything personally , as if I am attacking him personally , unlike you "strengthcourageandwisdom" , he referred to EVRYHTING I said to him as direct consequences to my FALUIRES , and my critics are a result of my snarls of my dificiency to be able to be as natural and outgoing as others ....
hmmmmm , who knows !!! , he might be right ... ?? , can I really blame him ...

and then he started to blame me for my lack of sleep , this might be the only true word he said , but without relating to the actual reasons behind my lack of sleep ... , and he do not recomend any kind of drugs , huh , as if he actually know any ... !!!

anyway , I wasn't expecting much of him , well ... who knows , it might be me after all ......, or it might be the way I actually approached him with , I was over polite and calm ... , should I've been lunatic and jumpy ??? , should I have started screaming and to strain my hair to be able to pass my feelings and thoughts to the guy ... ??

WHAT ... !! what should I've done ...

WHATEVER .... as If I actually was expecting anyhting from him ... , I only expected him TO BE POLITE and respectfull ... which he is NOT ...

AAAAHHHH ..forget it ...!!!

dear good friends , THANKS for your correspondence ... , please magnifecent Ladeska and strengthcourageandwisdom
, talk to me ...

December 20, 2001
3:01 pm
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Deep (i like that better),
Well wouldn't you know it. (I'M SMILING) , the first time you
do the right thing , (talking to a professional is still the right thing). YOU get MR.WONDERFUL, he sounds like everything you feared, some neanderthal pretending to be a human being. Or if I want to be kind I would say he is just another victim of the ignorance in the mental health field that has not been totally eradicated. File him- UNDER MINOR OBSTACLE.
Keep going. You are on target now. Look for another, I would not suggest a colleague (don't even bother asking him for a referral) of his, because , usually like-minded individuals refer to each other.
Nothing, has changed, if you went to a store and wanted a particular item, and they didn't have it, you would go to another store right. Same thing here.
Find another, look for one's that say they treat depression,
I know there is a language/ and cultural difference we are working with here ,but, use your obvious intelligence now to
help yourself. Today, I don't want you to read the news, or political journals, I want you to research help for depression. First find some of the websites (some of the posting by Ladeska have listing,) and read up on depression, then find
places in your area, that are practicing MODERN therapies and counseling methods ,and clinical interventions (you may have to travel a little, I pray this will not hinder you), but you must persist. You are so smart, you will find away. Who knows you may be the person, to help others in your town one day.(Then they won't have to run into that imbecile you did).
Stay strong brother,
SCW

December 21, 2001
2:01 pm
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Deep,
Hang in there I will be out of cyber range for the next couple of weeks, But I will check back , and I want to hear , that you are still in HOT PURSUIT of your PEACE and Health, go after it like , somebody stole it, RECLAIM IT , IT belongs to you,....

December 26, 2001
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December 26, 2001
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Sometimes we have many problems that want t o sap all the life out of us, its funny though sometimes I think of my first girlfriend I ever had and it brings abouy many emotions. This is your key word my friend and when you lack confidence and feel worthless you must refer back to some sucessess in life. You have a lot to offer others but its time for you to heal and give yourself a break a remember all the gifts you do have and not dwell on your rejections. We never know how much we love someone until we no longer have them. We must regain our confidence and remember what attracted he in the first place and you will know exactly who you are.
Live each day at a time especially one day at a time and you will see yourself again in a new light. Take care of yourself for a change and don"t loose your God giving gifts.

December 26, 2001
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