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I've left him
October 29, 2001
8:07 am
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Honeymajig
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Hmmm...Doctor says 'you have two broken ribs and a briused shoulder' I fell out of bed Saturday night and landed badly...It is a bit painfull to type so I am not going to write too much. Have had a few good nights sleep, I have found a really good drink (herbal) that seems to be good for me. I am up and down at the moment, and know tomorrow (Monday) will be hard because I am seeing my counsellor and it is always bad.
I'll let you know how it goes..hope all of you are ok... take care,
Love Becca
xxx

October 29, 2001
12:23 pm
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Molly
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Ouch Becca, that must have been some tumble, I said yoga, not gymnastics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take care of your self.

October 29, 2001
9:29 pm
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scherza
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This is a really cool tribe...I like your term "tribe," Molly....

All of you all are so awesome! I get jazzed just reading your stuff.

Hugs to all of you!

October 29, 2001
11:48 pm
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Hi Guys,,,yes "tribe" does say it well, doesn't it? Bel....we all go through this - those who have been abused as children. The mother of all roller coaster rides....trying to deal with our feelings and why they pop up out of nowhere to taunt us. I'm much better than I used to be....has taken alot of years. But, the smallest thing will bring it back, like just now I was working with my bf - he is a Kung Fu master and has been teaching me...is very hard for me because what my body remembers when a big strong man would come against me is - vulnerability, pain, fear and then anger and rage. I fight that in myself and I highly dislike it - especially when I am facing a man I love....is hard for me.

I don't "flow"....I become rigid and defensive, want to plow and I can't do that with Kung Fu. I know it in my head, but my body fights me. Am learning that this exercise is good for me...helps when you can do a "physical" thing with your body to represent and coincide with a mental, emotional and spiritual thing you are also trying to do....

So, would suggest to anyone reading to do the same kind of thing. If you are feeling blocked - pick something physical that you can do that will represent the same kind of "motion". I really believe in "flow" and in graceful movement but am aware of my blocks and where they are...and what they are related to. I think for everyone it is different what they might select - for what...just have to tune into yourself.

To sleep better....I might suggest - swimming, as it is the closest thing to representing that - that I can think of. You're suspended...you're not under the laws of gravitation, you're moving through something, but almost like an ether...is soothing, feels good to the body, relaxing and yet tiring...

Just something to think about, get the motors turning as to what each of us can find that will represent what we are doing inside ourselves and help facilitate it becoming a "whole" movement within us...any thoughts?

October 30, 2001
12:32 pm
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bel
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Ladeska,
You reminded me of one of the feelings I really cannot seem to get rid of. When I am with family say at a picnic, gathering or just being together and enjoying myself all of a sudden I get these strange dirty, awful feelings of to much closeness. I really cannot pinpoint it and it makes me angry because I am with people I love and I get these awful feelings that make me want to run away and hide by myself. I have never been able to define why that happens or when its going to happen. The only thing I can guess it that one of my abusers was my father and of course he was my immeadiate family so my feelings are all mixed up??? I really don't know or understand but when I feel that way its awful and I try to chase those feelings away. Tez and I talked about it and he says I should not chase them away but confront them and I have tried that but don't know what the outcome shoule be when I do that??

Molly,
Im going to try and write out why I feel so much anger. I know some of why I do but after all these years I dont know why it comes back to haunt me now. Writing it down will be hard for me to pinpoint but I will attempt to find out what the cause it other than what my neice just went through. IM sure it has alot to do with that and the world events that are going on right now. I also live in California and feel for the people in New York and Washington but now the anthrax scare is among us and a new warning and who knows what next????

Bel

October 30, 2001
1:34 pm
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Ladeska
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Bel...abuse victims will have tons of feelings that will surface whenever they are in a situation that makes them feel "vulnerable". The victimized child in us reacts with feelings of yesterday. Totally normal. And your niece also stirs this in you. Also - totally normal for you, for me, for any of us that have been victimized. So - don't say to yourself - you're bad when you have these feelings that surface. You are not bad and there is nothing really wrong. It's totally natural that these would come up. How you deal with them is maybe a different matter to be addressed.

Being with your family - I assume you are speaking of - not the family that abused you... Are there any members in this family outing that are "those people"? Just curious.

But, if not, then one thing that comes to mind is that - when I was in my abusive family - one thing that I totally hated was the "facade" that was put on in front of people or just for ourselves - this cover that says - We Are Going to Have a Good Time and It Will Look Good, Too!!! Of course, that never happened with my family, but the hypocrisy of all that made me extremely angry. It was like here we goo....pretending to be a family, making other people think and believe - we are normal - all for the sake of saving face and lying to them and to ourselves. Thus hiding - the abuse.... Ah yes, that would make one angry, wouldn't it?

Naming this anger - helps. It helps alot because you start to see that - you have a right to this anger. What happened was wrong, horribly wrong and you were made to play the puppet and now that you're not a puppet - you can have a right to that anger.

Affirming your right and understanding it, naming it - is half the battle. This way you don't just swing blindly at yourself and at the world at large. You see 'WHERE' the splinter is and why it is there. Thereby - sketching out the monster in your closet and saying - Oh...that is what you look like! You don't seem so scarey when I realize - why you look the way you do and suddenly the fear - has a name, one that you can deal with.

You acknowledge those feelings after this realization, talk to yourself and go - okay, that's what it is - but that was then and this is now - totally different situation. It's okay to acknowledge my anger and feel it and then it's also okay to write a new script for my feelings based on today's truth - because I choose to build my foundational default - to react to this now...and slowly over time - it does start to change. You acknowledge yesterday and why it was the way it was - but now - today - has it's own reality to it and the feelings attached to that. You can at long last allow yourself to truly - "be present in this moment".... Give yesterday it's due and let it pass through you because it will always be a part of you - but as it passes instead of getting stuck - you learn from it, view it - rather than - making it be 'Your Present Reality'.

Big, huge difference and turning point in the road. Information, education, naming things - is extremely important for you. Because it validates you. It affirms to you that - you had a right to be angry about this hypocrisy, you can roll it around in your fingers now and identify it and go - HEY! I had a damned good reason to be angry about that! And I have an even bigger reason to - want to be present in my life today and lay a better foundation and belief system about who I am and where I've come from and what I've risen out of - to become better, stronger and resilient.

So, these seemingly "out of control" feelings you are experiencing - always have a name...and once you can name them - you begin to see that there really isn't anything "wrong" with you. You were just reacting to some really nasty toxic stuff in your life....like anyone - would do.

The trick is - to not become what we hate. And that's why I try to educate people while they are still in that crucial stage of turning.... If you can find the self awareness, have the moxy and the courage to really look at things deep center...then there is hope, tons of hope that you will evolve into being a person - who uses the weapons that came hurling into their lives - as tools, thus living out the best revenge possible. (smile)

October 30, 2001
2:29 pm
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artist
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You are all amazing! To have lived through what you have and to be as together as you are, blows me away. I have problems and I have baggage but they seem like nothing compared to what ya'll have lived through and risen above. I am very glad that I found this discussion group and I value each and every one of you for your strength and courage and wealth of shared ideas.
I'm still trying to find the truth of my situation but I want you ya'll to know that I'm listening and learning and that ya'll are helping me find the right path. Thanks. Artist.

October 30, 2001
3:07 pm
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Ladeska
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Artist, well, you're just most welcome here!! Not because you are complimenting us either...but because you are "real" and searching and have some darned good input of your own to share with us. So, we appreciate you, too! Please stay and hang out, we're a whacky bunch, ain't we?

It is nice to be affirmed though and to get such a warm response from people when life didn't used to be like that for so many of us. Warmth and realness - I like, is a real blessing to me, so "thank you".

October 31, 2001
9:56 am
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Honeymajig
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šŸ™ counseling p***ed me off... really didn't want to talk about stuff... suppose it was the right thing to do though, someone tell me it was...
Becca xxx

October 31, 2001
10:11 am
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artist
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Maybe it was--why didn't you want to talk--can you talk about that?

October 31, 2001
10:25 am
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Ladeska
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Becca...."talk". What pissed you off? Don't get into that position of having emotions and then immediately going into your shell assuming that either you are a nut or the other person is against you. Strong feelings come up for "reasons". Let's see what they are and why they came up...

October 31, 2001
10:40 am
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artist
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Becca, Hi!.
I'm Artist. We haven't been introduced but I'm a friend as is everyone else here--you don't have to go through this alone--just a friendly reminder--ple-e-e-e-a-a-a-as-s-s-se come out and play. It's OK, honest.

October 31, 2001
11:34 am
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scherza
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Dear Becca,

I am twice your age and counseling pisses ME off sometimes, too! šŸ™‚ I get mad at my couselor...and she guides me through why I am really pissed off...which usually has absolutely nothing to do with her....

I get angry when I feel vulnerable.

To use an analogy, I used to deal with a LOT LOT LOT of rush hour traffic to get to my job before I changed jobs. I like to drive fast. I am not very patient sometimes, but I drive defensively and respectfully.... Some people will get into these little snits on the road...I make sure that I have nothing to do with these. I give the Road Bullies all the room they want...I do not WANT to know them...esp. via accident! šŸ™‚ In Texas, where I live, people don't move over to the outer lane for faster traffic (even though it is the law) and this can be QUITE maddening...! When a slow driver cuts me off, I feel angry b/c the move they just made was dangerous and nearly put us into a collision. My blood is full of adrenaline and my heart is leaping out of my chest...I take a deep breath and cool off and try to not to make judgements about the other driver...just keep a safe distance and get around them as soon as I can.... The anger I feel is mostly about fear.... In my last job, I saw what people looked like after accidents...in the neurosurgical intensive care unit!

In therapy, for me, the anger is about fear.

I have things that I do to cope with insomnia and restlessness. They usually work for me. Things like excerise (as Molly suggests)...even a simple stroll through my neighborhood, writing, drawing with graphite, playing music (both listening and making this music), limiting my caffeine drinks...drinking herbal teas when I need a hot drink to warm my soul. Meditating with a candle in a dark room. Wrapping myself up in a shawl or blanket works sometimes. Getting regular exercise DOES make me sleep like a baby....

I have this habit now where I write in my journal whenever I get antsy and then I take this to therapy and read what I feel like reading...which opens the door for exploring what what going on the week before. I also bring graphite drawings. Some are quite intense!

These may or may not help you, but they help me and I have heard that they help lots of people. These are just some ideas...:)

October 31, 2001
1:53 pm
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I guess it was because I was talking about my nightmares and he wanted to explore what I was dreaming about... I have nightmares 2 - 3 times a night and often wake up screaming. I kick and punch in my sleep as well. I always dream the same thing, that the guy who hurt my mum is trying to hurt me and I am unable to get away. My counselor was trying to get me to think about a whole lot of stuff that really I have had tucked nicely away for 10 years and I didn't really want to talk about it at all. I just feel really angry now and it didn't help that last night after counseling I had one of the worst nightmares in a while. I was so tired at college this morning... I did manage to grab 2 hours this afternoon though, I have found something at last that I can get to sleep listening to! Videos of 'The Simpsons'! Not a classic insomnia remedy I guess!
Anyway, off to celebrate Halloween now, have fun whatever you do tonight everyone, smile,
Becca xxx

October 31, 2001
11:24 pm
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scherza
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Becca,

I used to have recurring nightmares of alligators with razorblade teeth steathily seeking out my toes...and succeeding with chewing on them...! I ran (and flew) for a long time in those dreams and FELT the pain of those teeth in my sleep...then one day I just turned around in that dream and faced the alligator...which turned into many of them surrounding me.... I asked (yelled at) them what they wanted from me...and they disappeared from then on! I am not kidding. From that point on, I started to realize that my experiences with childhood sexual abuse were catching up with me and that I needed to get out on a flat boat and FEED those gators...and ask them some more questions! I even went to Houma (South Louisiana) and got in a REAL flat boat and put chicken parts on an aluminum hook and fed four REAL Louisiana swamp alligators. The scents and the physical sensations started returning even while I was fully awake. But I knew it was a dream...a memory...that was trying to get out. I sought protection from my Mother Goddess...of the moon...and she held me through it. She stills holds me today.

How is that for some back swamp Lousiana Mojo Tales...?

Take care...darrrling...and bon chance!

November 1, 2001
11:35 am
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I think the more of a hold our fear has on us - the more it seems to give it one last power kick right before we get wise to what's what. Have noticed that.

Kind of like the monster in the closet who really bellows and growls louder and louder as we approach the closet to scare us off, only to find that when we open it - it's a rat with a deep voice.

Things that happen to us as children - pretty much stay with us - in a child's mind.... This clashes with the adult mind later and alot of fur and confusion flies around. The child says - boogie man in the closet... The adult says - you stupid kid - what's wrong with you anyways??

The child says - why don't you ever believe me??? The adult says - be quiet, you're embarrassing me!

The child says - you left me back here, locked up with nothing but bits and pieces of memories that I don't understand... The adult says - and you expect ME to listen to all this babble, do you ever NOT speak to me in code!!!????

The child says.....I have to speak in code to you....I have to relay things in word pictures, in feelings - the way a child sees things because it's the only way I can talk to you....and I test you by giving you little pieces of code because I want to see if you - will believe me before I give you more.....

.....I wish you'd stop freaking out and just listen to me.....I'm not lying, but I'm not sure what I am seeing and I need you to help me.

November 1, 2001
12:03 pm
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Becca, when we are asleep, our sub concious deals with the stuff our consious mind won't let us. Just like Ladeska described. We don't want to deal with things, so we consiously put up walls, so our sub consious takes over and makes us process the stuff as dreams. I have had a few willys of late my self, but am greatful, as my dream state, or at least recollection of my dreams has been turned off for years. I can almost understand your anger, I mean it does take alot of effort to stuff the crap we don't want to deal with and here is this guy in your face, but in a way be greatful. I went to talk to some one on Tuesday, had anxiety for a couple of days trying to figure out how I was going to dump my bucket of crap in only one hour, did a pretty good job of it and I was told, to find another therapist. Now that is something to get really pissed off about. But I understand where she is comming from, and due to her relationship with my main hurdle to deal with, she is biased, and I must honor that, the great part is she did agree with my diagnosis.
I remember a tool I learned once in a seminar, the therapist says, and what is the problem, the client says I don't know, the therapist then says, if ya did know what would it be? The client then starts to cut loose with all kinds of information. The truth is I believe we all know the answers if we are still enough to listen, either through writing, meditation,or our dreams. We have our own keys to unlock the doors of our prisons, when we are ready to discover, just where in the hell we put them, Too bad there isn't a clapper for those kind of keys. I must admit, having been a counselor, and experienced counseling, this site is the greatest form of support and discovery, it is usually shelter in the storm, and some really insightful advice,free, and ultimately we are the ones that decide if things fit or not, with respect to solutions, or the what happened. So, trust your intuition, and utilize this site to help you on your path. It can help support the work your doing with your face to face therapist, which also serves a great purpose. We can run, but we can never really hide. Damn it.

November 1, 2001
12:32 pm
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Funny, isn't it, how we talk outwardly, ask tons and tons of questions, run round and round in circles, throwing our hands up in the air, screaming that primal scream, throwing mud on our faces all to finally look in the mirror and say...Yeah, I know you know the answer, but I don't like it. And it's too much work and I don't trust you anyways, do will go back into denial, plug my ears and try to find someone that will tell me something closer to what I want to hear....

Funny...how we do that... It's called self sabotage... When all along the person who really has the answer locked up inside them - is you. Sometimes we just need help in "seeing and hearing" that voice. Learning how to trust our instinct again, how to polish up our radar how to be self-aware and quiet enough - to acknowledge our true essence.

Until we do that - we can never find God, or ourselves or others. There will be no true communication of any kind, ever. This life....was made for "living it", not for pretending to be alive. We might as well - go as deep as we can with what we were born with and we were born with an awful lot - we just bypass it....

November 2, 2001
7:37 am
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šŸ™‚ Thanks to everyone! I am feeling a bit better today, I really let loose on my b/friend last night and got a bit of the anger out. He is really good, he just lets me vent and then tells me it is ok, he knows when I need to rage and lets me get on with it. Still having the nightmares, getting more and more real and more difficult to wake myself up. I am waking up 3-4 times a night now screaming, kicking and punching. I also see no end to these dreams. I try to face this guy in my dreams but it is like I am 11 again and he is such a huge person I have no chance against him. Anyway, things during the day are a bit better, at least I am getting some 'normal' sleep now. I hope you all enjoyed halloween, take care of yourselves,
Becca xxx

November 2, 2001
11:39 am
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The turning point in my dreams, when they stopped was when I backed down my aggressor in my dreams and he finally just disappeared, became dimmer and dimmer and it never happened again. I think that's when your self-esteem gets to a certain level that you really "know" with all you are that what they did - wasn't about you. You turn it around on them - even in your dreams and say - Oh NO you don't.... But, that means the adult has to connect with the child and become with her. Otherwise, she doesn't have the strength as a child, but "you" do.

It just takes time, is an evolution. The more you untangle the lies and webwork and establish a foundation about who you are, know your rights as a person and then really "live" in all of that - then you can kick butt in your dreams.

But, you have to become whole first and that means disbelieving alot of stuff you've believed wrongly about yourself in light of the abuse. Most of our dysfuntion comes from this. Where a child believes something and becomes law and the foundation from which you operate as an adult. Until that is restructured, until that whole framework is examined and probably torn down completely - only then can you really operate with strength. But, you have to be willing to face yourself and go - okay, I told myself something, I believed it, it was a lie and I can let go of it now and be willing to believe the truth....and will continue to be accountable to myself as I go along here.

You're doing just fine, honeydewmelon! Just fine...keep on truckin'.

November 2, 2001
12:16 pm
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Becca, why don't you sit down and write him a letter? You don't have to send it, or you can, you can burn it and let the universe deal with it. But your brain doesn't know if your lying or not. Do you get what I mean, you have so many un resolved feelings towards this guy, and even mom, speak in your letter exactly what you need to get clear on, and maybe that will loge in your subconcious, and follow through in your dream state. You don't have to be the polite little girl any more. You don't have to keep all this to your self, hiding in your room, pulling the pillow over your head. You can shout to the world what a jerk he was, and how he made you scared,tell him what you need to.
Then tell him how your not going to let him ruin your sleep any more, how he isn't going to ruin your life any more, how he was a very small man, who used his rage on women and children to hide his fear. Just some thoughts.

November 2, 2001
1:31 pm
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I only say, that sometimes praying helps a lot. God will give you the strength you need now.
your friend.
Pilarita

November 8, 2001
8:44 am
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Honeymajig
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*smile*
Thanks you guys
Becca
xxx

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