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I've left him
October 24, 2001
6:43 pm
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Honeymajig
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Ladeska, (smiles) he says thanks...

What you said at the end kind of rings true... all I really want is for my mum to have said...how about you? How are you feeling about this? I think, if now, people could just appreciate the children's understanding of the world we live in, we would save future generations from a lot of heartbreak.
Becca xx

October 24, 2001
6:46 pm
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Ladeska
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Okay, almost time for me to knock off for the day here, so I propose that all of us - eat ice cream, paint our toe nails red, toilet paper a room in the house (just because)....maybe even sneak out later and teepee the neighbots yard as well.... in other words - take the night off. Wallow around in the bathtub, light candles, play dress-up and chase whatever animals or boyfriends round and round the house until the cower in the closet with a flashlight muttering things like.....and what planet did you say you were from?

Goodnight, sweet dreams...

October 24, 2001
6:50 pm
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Ladeska
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You're welcome....(smile)

and....

it starts with you....the next generation is in your keeping...

The listening can begin with you and move forward..

don't look back - look forward.

Ripples from one small pebble are.... far reaching. Don't forget that.

She will "listen" to your life more than anything....as you live it. And she will make her choices accordingly, which are.....her choices.

October 24, 2001
7:08 pm
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Honeymajig
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I'm off to sleep too... though maybe after some highly fattening, highly unhealthy, highly tasty food!
Becca xx

October 24, 2001
9:17 pm
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Molly
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Hugs to all of you, all of us. Becca, you break my heart, just a little to close to home, know whatI mean. I have daughters 23, and 21 200 miles away. I never thought they heard, the fighting, I swear, thought so sure, it was all under controll. They never said anything, and guess hid it in overachievement. My oldest is in counseling, and I am sure what I did and didn't do, as well as what ever else, is the reason. She has put up a wall, and is difficult to reach. Glad sis is ok, but you need to talk to mom, you need to hit her between the eyes, you need the validation, and she needs to own what her contributions were, and what they can be. Denial can be thick, so be prepared for the backlash if there is any , but don't live in silence, talk to the counselor, how could she possible consider you a failure for counseling, like would you be a failure for going to the doctor for a broken leg. Here is a * for being brave ((( hugs))) we moms are humans too, there was no book on kids, and duh, nothing on marriage. I am so sorry

October 25, 2001
6:20 am
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Honeymajig
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OK, any ideas on coping with the day on no sleep? I am too scared to sleep because I have such awful nightmares..I am so mentaly and physically exhausted...all I am doing is sitting staring into space or crying...even typing this is a challenge...I cant remember how to type or spell...am I just crazy? Please help...
Becca xx

October 25, 2001
7:59 am
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Honeymajig
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Help?
Becca xx

October 25, 2001
10:40 am
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Honeymajig
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Hmmm...maybe we should investigate the effects of exhaustion on cake production...I also spent time baking! Maybe it is the theraputic value of cake?
Take care
Becca xx

October 25, 2001
10:44 am
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Honeymajig
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I also understand in a way your feeling of edgyness. Even though I am in England, the threat of attack is still very real to us. Also I live less than 2 miles from the 'prime' target of military attack, the 'secret' govornment control and military arrangement headquarters. We are having constant fly overs from local RAF bases and they get scary at night.
Becca xx

October 25, 2001
11:16 am
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Ladeska
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Good morning all! I can see from what I read here....it wasn't a good night. I slept okay last night, been having trouble myself, but I suffer from being hyper-alert and any noise wakes me up, so in a new place now and trying to adjust to the different noises like s freeway nearby. Have to get a white noise maker soon... Usually a fan works well, too.

Abuse victims have horrible sleep patterns. I used to be much worse than I am now, had nightmares, the whole nine yards, but I don't have any nightmares anymore. The last one I had - I kicked ass in it. Turned the tables on what was coming after me, I went after it and it gradually disappeared. Unlocking the subconscious, ah yes - tis the key to many things...

Hope you guys feel better today....

October 25, 2001
11:42 am
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Molly
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Baking a cake is really good therapy, however, you both need to get a yoga tape. I swear, that and my dog is saving my life, and soul. Its sorta strange, because right now I am dealing with a big pile of poop that I don't want to, and since I have been loyal to myself, and getting this lethargic big butt out of bed, I am so grounded, and sleeping so much better. Try creating some sort of ritual before bed, aromatherapy, soft sounds, pictures of pretty places, and gather some imaginary friends. One of the tapes I discovered, suggested to pick even movie stars, I take Goldie Hawn with me because she always seems to be laughing, I know this sounds neurotic, but hey aren't we???????????????????

October 25, 2001
11:48 am
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Honeymajig
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Problem is though, don't want to eat the cakes!... I have loads of bedtime strategies and they used to always work. But since starting to get counseling my sleep pattern has gone out the window and I am getting only 1 to 2 hours per night, and nothing during the day...my mind just seems to be really alert. I have tried sleep music, warm baths, aromatherapy, massage, acupressure, herbal teas and any combination of the above, my mind just won't turn off....any suggestions?
Becca xx

October 25, 2001
12:28 pm
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Ladeska
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Hm,m,m,....not good....you obviously don't feel safe where you are. Have you moved recently? Do you have new neighbors that bother you? Do you have adequate security in your place? Do you sleep better when someone you trust sleeps with you? If so, have them come over and stay with you for a couple of nights so that you can get some good sleep.

You're obviously feeling very threatened and insecure, so just think of all the ways in your place that you can make yourself feel more safe even if it sounds ridiculous.

Other than that, I would say - take PM's or get your doctor to prescribe something stronger.

October 25, 2001
12:51 pm
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scherza
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Wow. This thread is Smoking!

I need to contribute here.

I am now 40, but I grew up with an abusive step father...and step mother...and can attest to the trap of the cycle from a kid's point of view. I was made to endure so much abuse for the twisted love of my parents' spouses. They spent a lot time rationalizing to me about "helping the poor tortured soul." I was "luckier" than they were growing up and couldn't I see this! ha!

I grew up and "fell in love" with an asshole...just like them...but the minute hitting started, something in me snapped. I just stopped fighting and arguing. I let them be right...about everything they needed to be right about...except I was G-O-N-E. I didn't even try to make them wrong or try to turn them around at all. I even bowed to their "superiority" and acknowledged how much better they were than me...all things these people need to hear. I was only 19! I am amazed to realize this now.

My sister, however, spent her entire adulthood trying to keep an asshole around...and she is no longer with us. My sister died of cancer, but her loving asshole berated her daily...and she would not leave...and she would feel undeserving of healthcare and skip her treatments...and her disease spread throughout her body so fast. Her young son now has no parents...assholes usually like to be rid of as much responsibility as possible. When the young son was 7, he made his first suicide attempt and spent his entire summer in a locked psych unit. All because those poor tortured souls of step parents needed to abuse us...so they could get self-esteem. All but one of these people are dead today...in this parental picture. And my sister is dead.

I walked away from abuse the minute I had human rights...as a kid I knew that human rights were for someone else and not me and I came very close to emigrating from the US permanently.... I lived in the UK for 5 years...and traveled through Europe! I was not affluent at all...just highly resourceful...and smart...and KNEW that I was facing a losing battle.

I was angry at 17 when I graduated high school and still could not vote for president or just get a cop to the house to stop my violent step father. I wrote scaithing papers in Civics class about the rights of liberty and the pursuit of happiness.... My teachers LOVED it...but they did nothing. Everyone was under the control of a BIG Bully...! I graduated, giving a speech to my class...as their role model...with a f-ing black eye! (which I carefully covered with make up.) My speech was about having the future in OUR hands now...and how we had a responsibility to change this world...!

My personal terrorism only disrupted MY life...not anyone at the school...so they didn't have to care. I was an Honor Student and class leader...had i been anything different, I would never have had their time of day. I would have gotten "processed" like my sister did...which resulted in her dropping out of high school at 14. The system is NOT designed to help and rehabilitate...it is designed to control the trouble authorities feel threatened by...and to give some revenge to the offended. That's it. The system is full of idiots that don't think. Rules are rules...to be followed to the letter. Period.

Any tortured soul must find his or her own Mercy Street and learn self-love from scratch. This is a much hidden road for some! I had to bulldoze through mountains of shit and build my own.

Today, I have a reasonably stable life...and I enjoy a lot of success, however, there will be these "triggers" that try to pull me back...and make me cry for what seems like no reason. There is a reason, it is just not in the present...and I know it. Innocent things like kids screaming at a baseball game...I have to go to the field and make sure that the screams are not someone abusing someone. When I see that things are OK, I stop getting so singularly focused and this wave of relief floods me and I melt into a puddle of tears...and I pick myself up and go home and sleep.

October 25, 2001
1:00 pm
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scherza
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Thanks in advance for letting me vent. I suppose the other purpose I have for sharing my story is that I want people in abusive relationships to see that it really really ISN'T "all about them" in the big picture. My parents were young...and they never imagined that the "little slights" they tolerated would escalate to bigger and harsher horror...and that this would transcend the generations to grandchildren that they would never have the opportunity to meet...or help in any way.

October 25, 2001
1:09 pm
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Molly
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Becca, you mentioned everything but exercise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gotta channel that energy, then take the PM's.

October 25, 2001
1:50 pm
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Ladeska
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Scherza...Well, let me be the first to stand up and applaud you - for telling it - just like it is...

"The Real World"....ah yes.

Mankind really isn't - that nice. We say alot of things to make ourselves feel better about our wickedness, but do so little to really be "sincere" about it. I learned that one, as you, very early on in life. No, no one does want to get their hands dirty for the most part. Usually only the ones who have been hurt and haven't turned into a psychopath themselves yet.

History doesn't leave a nice trail as far as "how we treat one another". We really have to "fight" to be honorable, good, courageous, truthful and then fight to stay alive once someone knows this about us!

It is amazing at how many people see warning signals in children and yet "do nothing" about it. No one wants to take the risk of getting involved....and yet by doing nothing you're taking a huge risk that this child will end up in a place going off with a gun, killing classmates some day soon.

We take the thing of protecting ourselves by not getting involved down the wrong path. If we do nothing in preventative measures BEFORE it gets to a crisis point - you've just put the gun to your own head and pulled the trigger anyways. This is called - laziness and we'd better whip ourselves into shape because the condition we find ourselves in now in this country - is precisely because of this attitude.

So glad you've come this far....good to hear your thoughts, see your heart and to know that you have a "code" inside you that won't be snuffed out by anyone. (smile) Sometimes, isn't it just nice to come up on someone that just looks into your eyes and says.....I know....I understand?

October 25, 2001
2:05 pm
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Honeymajig
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Molly... he he oh yeah, forgot that one, bike riding, walking, working out ect... all good but not working...wish I could find one specific thing to channel my thoughts into?
Becca xx

October 25, 2001
5:44 pm
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Ladeska
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Hey Blondiegirl! (smiles) Oh NO, not fudge marble!!! Geez, grumble, gripe, cuss, fume...my oven doesn't work and I just moved into the place, don't want to call the landlord because I have a cat and not supposed to! SO....i can't bake cakes right now.....grrrr... Have to get one of those little portable oven deals. Can't live without cake, I'd go insane...or more so..

October 25, 2001
6:19 pm
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Honeymajig
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(smiles) I made little fairy cakes. Some choc chip, some sultana, some vanilla...

Blondie...I am not from very near Essex, but I have been there lots. Also two friends who I am at University with come from Essex so I know the area roughly. It is quite big though! I wish I could make fudge marble, mine always comes out fudged and no marble (hugs)
Becca xx

P.S. Even though I have not slept, why is it night time and all of a sudden I am wide awake? Any thoughts anyone?
Becca xx

October 25, 2001
9:15 pm
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Molly
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Blondie, I am sure I am not the first but welcome to the tribe. We got the nation covered now, Ladeska coast to coast, and Alena to pick up in the middle, could even be international, with Becca wide eyed in England. What would we do with out these threads, and our girlfriends.
Blondie, you and Ladeska must have been sisters in a past life, Becca child, sounds like your sleep cycle is off, are you napping during the day, if not get some of those PM things over the counter, or your gonna get sick, if not totally insane. So many things happen with sleep deprivation, happened to me when I worked at the clinic, the hours, so pop a pill, do what you need to do, with out abusing it, you didn't mention yoga though, and what about diet, your not sucking up too much coffee or soda, ugh ugh forgot, England, ugh tea are ya now????????

October 25, 2001
11:53 pm
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bel
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Hello All,
It has been months and months since I posted on this site. Reading Becca's story brought mine full force again. The drunken father beating my mom every chance he got, the holes in the wall, the bad langage and my mom hiding us kids and herself in the house and him in a rage looking for us.

And mom having six kids five of them girls, I was the 4th girl and dad was sick of girls and told her couldn't she make any boys and beathing her. In turn mom took a dislike to me and beating me every chance she got to overcome her frustrations with living with dad. I remember many nights going to sleep in a dark closet after getting beat by mom. I wonder if that is why I need a nightlight? And then dad abusing me in every way when I was nine until I was 12, why didnt I say anything? What would a nice year old girl say? And to who? Mom hated me, Dad did awful things to me, who loved me? I had no one to turn to and at nine I could not even know what to think. I used to keep so quiet, so still hoping I would not feel anything, I could see what was happening but wished myself somewhere else. I never had love so it was hard to love myself and at times still is. I to have hard times trying to sleep at night. Its strange how a word or a story or a sentence can bring back alot of memories you thought you had chased away. For the most part I am doing alot better but something happened recently in my family to a family member that has brought all these feelings back full force. I am going through so many ups and downs that at times its hard to function.

I hope to post here more often and look for some guidiance and coping skills that anyone or someone can share with me.

Thank You for listening...
Always
Bel

October 26, 2001
4:34 am
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Honeymajig
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four hours sleep...yeah!

Bel...I can understand some of the feelings you must be experiencing, I know it is hard, take care of yourself...

I will be back later...off to see my academic advisor and hopefully a doctor...

Love
Becca xx

October 26, 2001
10:55 am
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bel
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Blondie and Becca,

Thank you for responding.
What happened to me happened a long time ago and I have been dealing with it the last 5 years I would say.

What I suffer from now is my moods, they seem to be either high or low and when IM low I just want to be alone and its hard for me to function especially at work. I try to work through my moods and at times it works but lately since my neice was attacked I have alot of anger. I have been dealing with low selfesteem, learning to love myself, depression and have pretty much learned to deal with them but now comes the anger and I don't know how to deal with that.

Bel

October 26, 2001
12:26 pm
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Molly
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Hi Bell, long time no post, some of us just never leave:) Out line the anger, write it out, assign words to it, so that you can label it, and take action, can't fix it if ya can't name it. Your neice's attack, that is one of those darn events where you can't really get complete, sorta like the towers in New York, we know that evil exists, I am so sorry.
Blondie, I live in California, as does Ladeska.
Great move on the Doctor Becca, let us know what he says.

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