Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
I've left him
October 17, 2001
11:06 am
Avatar
jj26
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

For the first time, I've left my husband after he kicked me in my back. He's been violent before, throwing things and such. Now I'm temporarily living with friends. I'm so lonely. I love this man, and I wonder if I did the right thing. There are so many doubts running through my head: he only bruised me, it was the first time, that sort of thing. I love him! How long does this take? I just want to go home. I just want to go home!

October 17, 2001
11:26 am
Avatar
gypsygirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"he only bruised me"??? Is'nt that enough? Why would you stay with someone that hurts you?

October 17, 2001
11:28 am
Avatar
gypsygirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"he only bruised me"??? Is'nt that enough? Why would you stay with someone that hurts you? What about when it esclates? what are you going to say then? "oops he only killed me!"

October 17, 2001
1:17 pm
Avatar
chicka
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi JJ26 it is mostly likely not going to change i have being in it and i keep thinking it is going to change because he loves me, but it didn't after a while everything i did was wrong and a reason to hit yell or throw something, don't wait for more than a bruise, a bruise is in it self a lot. if you go back you are going to live with fear and wanting to please him because you don't want to upset him and run the risk of getting hit again. It is hard now but think how much harder it is going to be when you have not only a physical bruise but an emotional one too?

October 17, 2001
1:35 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OH BOY!!! Well.....I’m sure you will go back to him. Not hard to figure from what you wrote. Guess you feel like you deserve abuse. Is the only reason why anyone would take it the first time and not walk for good and never look back. You have a really, really bad self esteem and there is nothing but pain and torment in your future until you face this issue within yourself.

You will probably waste the next 30 years of life in a cycle of one abusive relationshp after another or maybe you will tie the knot with this asshole and end up letting him be the "special person" who abuses you for the next 30 years.

Any man that does this the first time....is trouble. Period, no more discussion about it, I don’t care how much you love him, you think he loves you, blah, blah, blah, etc., etc. That’s the way it is - He’s trouble for you, but you are your own worst enemy here because - you feel drawn to the fire, so not sure what to say to you except - WARNING, WARNING! If you don’t listen, you don’t listen. You can make up any excuse for him you want to, I’ve heard them all and none of them hold water.

He majorly disrespects you now and if you go back to him - he will REALLY disrespect you then and quite honestly (although he will NEVER admit it!) He will disrespect you MORE because you came back. Now - because you are stupid - in his mind and in the mind of any man that would kick a woman - you deserve what you get and not only that - if they do have a conscience - guess what? If they don’t truly own their stuff - every time they look at YOU - they will see their guilt and their lack of responsibility for their actions. So - pain that they feel from their guilt - will be transferred over to you - in another smack or kick. They feel their conscience - they take it out on you for reminding them.

Paint a bullseye on your back and go beg him to take you back in, that you were a bad little girl for acting so hasty and that you wuv, wuv, wuv him and want to make it work. He’ll allow you....to come back in, might berate you a little, or might even love you to the MAX for a day or two.. Mr. Charming rears his cute little head. He’ll do - what he has to - to confuse you....in order that....he might have a whipping post handy in his life for all the times that he feels out of control and needs to share it with or to "take it out on". Scapegoating is never pretty. Prepare for bruises, broken bones and a broken life and heart - you’re going to get it right between the eyes.....if you go back. These words will haunt you, bet on it.

October 17, 2001
3:15 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Did I ever share with you my fat withdrawl story? I went on a diet, and the microwave was next to my office, everytime some one heated something up, I could smell the grease, I swear I wanted to eat the napkins, but it only took me 21 days, and soon that grease smelled foul, I imagined it clogging my veins, I imagined it in the mouth, ya know after a few bad fries? This is emotional with drawl, and this too will pass. You need to take the temporarily more difficult route, and give up the comfey familiar.
The physical abuse, is not the only abuse you have been enduring, sure you can see a small bruise, but unfortunately the massive bruise on your soul is invisible, but it is there. Ladeska's harsh words are intended to sound harsh, we women are so easy, we make excuses, we have stories, we want the nest and it takes a hell of a lot to get some of us to leave it , unless we stay so long that we no longer have the option. Don't just sit and think about this, go to a domestic violence shelter, take a look around, sit in on a group, call a therapist, go to a coda meeting, go get your hair done, but what ever you do, please consider no contact for at least 21 days. 21 days of personal support and learning, space to think and feel, perhaps you will see who you were, who you became, and have some clearer insight.

October 18, 2001
9:02 am
Avatar
taketime
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey jj26
Why do you sit and wait for the guy to kill you?It started with a bruise then probably went to a slap then a kick then to a blow and finally you and waiting for him to hold for you a knife?Be realistic you have to develop a high self esteem of your self,You definitely werent born to be beaten learn to give yourselves time and grow the way you feel about this man doesn`t give you a right to become somebody`s punching bag.
Bottom line is this you have got to give yourself time and heal your wounds be more couragious and set your standards and don`t settle for anything else You have got ot take pride in yoourself not to become anybody`s punching bag at all
Go for it dont waste any more time

October 18, 2001
1:04 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

btw, you do know this is a cycle don't you. The make up will be like a honey moon, ohhhhhhh baby, those days are like dreams, the promises, the things he does, the kisses, the warmth and comfort and security of your own little nest. Sure you shouldn't have said this or that ,you know your partly at fault, besides he hasn't bought you flowers in months,picked up the dog poop to, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh life is grand. The next day, tapers a bit, and the next day tapers a bit, and the next day is the same old same old, and you question something about some thing, and the war rages on, and this time he pushes you on the floor, and picks you up by your hair and punches your face. That does it you say, you made me bleed, then off you go, and stay a day or two longer, he says he had to much to drink, and he will talk to a counselor but baby please come home, please, I can't live with out you, the house is clean, the fridge is stocked, look honey I did the laundry for you, here let me kiss that cut, and the lovemaking begins again,
Over and over and over again. Sometimes weeks, sometimes hours, or months, but it is a definate cycle, some guys just like the drama, of the power, controll, and the exciting sex, but their anger is still as big as their neediness.

October 18, 2001
3:05 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Molly - you sure painted that nasty little picture well in few words! That is the way it goes - the abuse and then the make-up time, round and round. People get addicted to it. Makes a woman feel like they - earn being loved I guess. If they take the abuse - then they earned the right to be loved on for awhile. Sick, isn't it? But, that appears to be the reason why - so many can't leave the cycle. They truly believe - this concept about themselves.

October 18, 2001
3:43 pm
Avatar
mari
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi JJ26. You REALLY need to stay away from this man for good. People who physically abuse others have a real problem and you will never change him, so don't think you can. There was a well-publicized news story in the city where I live. A man had been beating his wife for some time. Not many people knew about it because she was too ashamed to tell anyone except for a few close friends. They all begged her to leave him. She kept saying how much she loved him and that after he beat her, he always apologized and made it up to her. Well, he ended up beating her to death. He also got an excellent attorney and only got 3 months probation!!! He was sitting on her chest and punching her, but he didn't mean to kill her. That was his defense. Our whole city was sickened by the verdict (except for the 12 people who didn't convict him of murder, apparently). All of the woman's friends who knew about the abuse were sad, but not surprised. This type of behavior only gets worse. This is a matter of life and death, literally. Get away from this man and don't ever look back.

October 18, 2001
7:07 pm
Avatar
SusieMcG
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm sure that happens all the time, all over the country. Just look at OJ Simpson. We only knew about that because he was a celebrity, but this is a very familiar story in the area where I live. Often it ends in suicide/murder, often even killing the children, too. That happened here just a few weeks ago, and also a few months prior to that. All the experts say he won't change. I can't speak from personal experience, thank God, but I do believe the experts and the women who have gotten free from this kind of abuse. Respect yourself. Get away and keep away, at any cost.

October 18, 2001
8:02 pm
Avatar
chicka
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Molly you are so right, i mean the honeymoon after the hitting, i have lived it. He would yell and hit then say he is so sorry it won't happen again, how upset he is at himself and i believed him and he would come home early every evening until he thinks i am not upset anymore then i relax and fool myself that he loves me after all that is what he keeps saying, then i would ask him something or use some money and forget to tell him then the yelling would start then a little push then a box next i am on the floor, then he kneels and say he is soooo sorry he is going to get help. I guess as sick as it sounds and as scared as i was of him after a while the only time you hear i love you or get treated "special"is when you get hit so you accept it, never acknowledging that it is wrong because that hurts too much, you ignore it and think you can't live without then you can love only them. Now i have terrible headace and i suppose it is because that is where i get hit the most. i made a promise not to tell anyone that he hit me. So please listen to what everyone here is saying it is not going to stop.

October 19, 2001
11:04 am
Avatar
strentghcourageandwisdom
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ladeska and others speak the ugly truth.
Here is something you might want to envision, if it will help you focus on what is really going on.
Imagine walking down the street, you and your love, and a man, comes up to you and begins to physical attack you, and then afterwards, as you stand there battered and bruised, the attacker says he would like to apoolgize.The entire time your mate watches, just standing there.
QUESTION?
Would you still believe your lover when he says he loves you and would never let any harm come to you? Do you still want to be with someone who would allow you to be hurt?
NEXT QUESTION?
If this situation had happened to your lover's mother , would he advise her to "Shake hands with her attacker and make-up"
DO NOT, PEOPLE WHO LOVES US OWE US MORE THAN TOTAL STRANGERS!!!

October 19, 2001
11:16 am
Avatar
pill
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OR

You and your lover are walking down the street, and a stranger walks up and asks you for change. He pulls the change trick with you, while your lover watches you being taken in, the whole time knowing the trick. Then your lover turns to you and says, "that stranger just tricked you."

Hmmm.

October 24, 2001
12:50 pm
Avatar
Honeymajig
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am new to this and I only really have one thing to say, I was a child involved in a violent relationship. My mother and father divorced when I was 11, I moved to a new school, moved in with a new father figure, and was never given any choice in the matter. At 11 years old I sat and listened to my mother being beaten and knew she would not tell anyone. If she did not tell anyone,who would believe me? I saw her bruised and battered for not keeping a dinner hot for 4 hours while he was busy. I sat with her while she cried. I listened at night while she begged him to stop. I feared I would be next. I protected my little sister from the noise. I was prepared to keep her safe even if it meant I was the next in line to be hit. After we moved away I stayed up on my own until 3 in the morning when my mum went to se him. I was making sure she actually came home. I lived in fear of seeing him for 6 years until I left school and moved away. From the day my mother and father divorced I have never spoken about what this did to me. I am now 21 and receiving councelling for depression, guilt and continuing fear in my life. I cannot talk to my mother, my father or my sister about this as I have had to put on a brave face for so long. I have become a person who is not who I want to be and only through councelling now am I understanding this. For 10 years of my life I have felt as if there was a problem with me because I felt this pain and I was unable to express it. Please do not go back to thid man. A man who hits anyone male or female does not deserve the ove you have to give in your life. He does not deserve to have your pity, your time or your emotions. Only now am I begining to understand this. You are most likely older than me, please understand that you control your own life and you only deserve the very best from life. This man is preventing this. Please understand. I am not looking for sympathy, only understanding to stop you from hurting the way I have for 10 years. Thank you if you have read this. Becca xx

October 24, 2001
1:44 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Little Becca....okay, this isn't sympathy....how about "empathy". I can identify so much with your wounds...is very hard to recover from, but please know - you can. There is so much to us that is remarkable and just when we are down for the count and buried under tons of crap - the Phoenix says...Oh No, you don't! Not one more teaspoon of crap on my head because...

I'm coming up and outa this and if you stand in my way - prepare to Move.

Hard to see the butterfly in the cocoon right now, isn't it? yeah, I know...but it's there - nonetheleess. You'd be surprised what is fluttering inside you and how much power is within a tiny little package.... Just telling you this so that when butterfly wings appear - you won't go into shock or anything! (smile)

A long time ago....I was buried as well....down for the count, all messed up inside, couldn't even look at anyone without my face twitching. But, not the case these days...many miles, alot of healing and a spirit that says - Oh No, you don't...

So, from one that is down the road a bit - know that healing is there for you and that you are far stronger than you can even imagine. You write very well. Please visit again... Many hugs to you!

October 24, 2001
3:18 pm
Avatar
Honeymajig
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ladeska, Thank You xx

October 24, 2001
4:45 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Becca - What Blondie said is right on. It's hard....people get used to living behind the veil. But, it's no fun, denial is poisonous stuff. And sometimes, just having an attitude that says - I'm sincere, open to discussion, just want to open a door today - kind of thing....might....pry things loose a crack.

Mind you - a crack.... And that's all you need to expect. Touching Pandora's box is tricky business, especially when everyone spends so much time trying to keep the damned thing closed!!! Alot of energy goes into that, so when someone comes knocking and says - wanna go in here and walk around - you may get a resounding NOOOOO!!! That's okay...this is round one...

And you try to bring the people that you love and care about on your journey of healing...so you definitely need to try and try a few times or for as long as you have the strength and they aren't being abusive to you in response.

The main thing is - say something, stop and listen....do it gradually and softly, without blame, accusation...."I'm just stating how I feel and see things, that's all..." They will either welcome that or they will not be in a place for growth and will not connect in a positive way.

That's their choice, but it's an avenue that is well worth - trying..you might be pleasantly surprised and it may take awhile, be patient...pry the door open a little and wait...

October 24, 2001
5:24 pm
Avatar
Honeymajig
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I understand what you are saying, (hug) thank you, however, finding time to talk to my mum and sister is becoming more and more difficult. We both live away from home now and are both 200 miles from home. When I have time to spend with my mum it is limited and I feel that I do not want to upset her or make her angry by talking about it. I rang her tonight with it in mind to try and tell her that I am having councelling with a psychiatrist for all my problems, but I then found out imediately from her that my little sister had been in a car crash this afternoon, and although she is bruised but ok and thank god for that, it made it impossible to tell my mum. I find this often happens, I will go to tell her something important, but something always comes up to stop me. Maybe it is psycological on my part, not wanting to hurt her? Also I am wary about her reaction to me having councelling...will she see me as a faliure? When I have mentioned it in the past (a doctor wanted me to start 6 months ago) she has told me I do not need it and made me feel that I would be wasting everyones time with my problems. I can now accept this is not the case in my own mind, but when it comes to telling her it is very hard. Thank you for listening,
Becca xx

October 24, 2001
5:37 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Becca...typical response. Unfortunately, when you want to grow, those closest to you - don't want to... I've had this problem all my life and I have given less and less time to the effort. In fact now, at this stage in my life, I give no time to it whatsoever. But, did extend the invitation years ago, several times...

And at some point, you have to go on and get what you need "for you". As far as you being a failure..."hardly"! Anyone that wants to grow - is not a failure and you were a victim of all this anyways, so don't give that one another thought.

People who are in denial, who have been taught by those who have gone before them that the thing to do as a woman is just to brush it under the rug, survive it, put on a plastic face to the world so no one talks about you and "carry on". Bullshit.

And that.....is the very reason abuse in any form....continues. SO, it's a new day, a new person involved here, a new era and you have choices here. You can stop the bouncing ball and you need to.

Your growth is not dependent upon...how they receive you and it should never, ever be about that. Can be a part of it IF they cooperate. But, if they want to leave in denial, want to throw rocks at you for growing past things and gettng healthy - then they can't be a part of your process.

Allowing guilt and blame to enter in about you being a failure or whatever is extremely toxic and counterproductive to your healing.

Is part of the problem actually....

Where we women learned that we should take the M-16 in the gut and smile and nod as if nothing happened is beyond me! Where the hell is that written? And when you find it - burn the damned book!!

Things continue because we don't react, we just assume the position of being the nice-nice little lady who always seems so calm and okay. Good God Almighty, what a bunch of crap!

Not to say that we need to lick our socks in despair, but truth is a good place to start.... And if people are not on the train with you, then you have to catch it alone.

Some choose the road of denial and that is their choice. You can offer a new road to them, but if they are not interested, you have to go it alone. It isn't your responsibiity to make anyone see or understand. Sometimes, by example, is the best way of all to communicate certan truths. Is less confronting I think...

October 24, 2001
5:47 pm
Avatar
Honeymajig
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ladeska, (smile) that all sounds so true to me. In a small breakthrough I have tried to explain to my fiance more about how I am feeling and what is going on in my head at this time. I am finding it very hard to tell him using words so I set up this page on the computer and asked him not to say anything, and just to read the first entry on this page. I then asked him to read my first entry and then all the following entries. He did this and I was surprised by his response. He came in to sit with me having read this and said one thing that is the only thing which has made me feel positive about my life in the last 6 weeks. He said 'I am so proud of you'. Why can't my mum feel the same way? Is it the mother / daughter relationship that is the problem? The person I do not like and am trying not to be anymore is the personality she moulded me into. Am I a dissapointment to her now that I am developing my independence and not how she made me?
Becca xx

October 24, 2001
6:37 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Going to take a different twist here on things, just to give you another point of view, not totally different from Blondie, but somewhat... Is always good to look at things from all angles anyways...

No. 1 - Blondie is - who she is and God only knows - there aren't many women like her out there, even with all her warts or whatever she wants to call them - she's quite the woman....

Some people don't rise to this... Don't want to. I had a mother who was the latter here. And I was the sacrificial lamb - so to speak - by trying to make the connection with her until she just about killed me. She was quite jealous of me, jealous that I survived and took another path and she didn't. So, in many respects, she became one of most vicious of all ememies in my life. We don't talk now and never will. But, my situation is probably very different from the both of you. Just saying that sometimes, you can try and try and all you get is kicked in the face for it and heaven knows - the people who can hurt you the worst are the ones who know you the best...thus, they know your vulnerable areas...

So, yes, you can kick the door in or try to and if she's worth her salt as Blondie is - she'll wake up and "step up" to the plate. Just be prepared for either - or. It could go either way and again.....it would be nice to have this connection, but it may not happen. Just be prepared for that. Hope, but prepare for disappointment at the same time.

Blondie is an exception to the rule... I get into trouble so many times by expecting people to feel and act a certain way and when they don't - I am crushed. So proceed with caution. Always guard your heart and be realistic.

October 24, 2001
6:38 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

...we're proud of you, too, btw. He's got company! Give him a hug from us for supporting you through all this. It isn't easy....

October 24, 2001
6:38 pm
Avatar
Honeymajig
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Blondie NYC,
It sounds so good to do, but I am sure from experience that my mum's door is well and truly welded shut on that chapter in our lives. It is a taboo subject throughout the family, talking about it causes pain and so we are not allowed to do it. This has been my sentencing since I was 11, I think it may be a long time before I am strong enough to believe in myself to be able to break this rule.
(hugs + thanks)
Becca xx

October 24, 2001
6:41 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Another good way to deal with this, since talking to her won't work right now.... Start writing her a letter, or a small book (smile). Do it on the computer, knowing that over time it will change as you think about things and grow... But, keep it going.... This will be a way for you to channel all this and who knows - maybe one day - you can give it to her and she will receive it.. But, you doing it - will help you immensely.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714213
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer