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I've had a revelation (sorry rev, I had to steal you name for my thread)
May 26, 2005
5:19 pm
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tracylyn
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So, this week my bestest friend in the world is going thru a really bad break up. In helping her thru this and discussing the "why's" and "what's wrong with me" and the aftermath of a break up I discovered something about why my relationship with my bf works when in the past I had some really f'd up relationships.

I've done my homework and then some with the behavior traits that I had to work on. Ya know, the codependency shadows that follow us around. It's hard to explain what I realized today....

My relationship now works because neither of us try to judge or control or shame the other person. We don't blame or point fingers or try to change each other. We just really love each other for who we are and allow each other to grow more and more and support each other in everything we do.

Neither of us try to control the relationship or analyze it's every moment, we just enjoy it for what it is. Neither of us tries to force our opinions or reflect our own issues onto the other person. We just kind of "are" and it seems to work great.

Both of us have detached in love enough to not let each others problems become our own but still be there to love and support each other thru some pretty rough times.

Lord knows it's not perfect but what's great about it is that we just really love each other for who we are and enjoy life together.

I think what I've discovered too though is that these healthy behaviors seem to work in a circle - a pattern. I think that because I know he doesn't judge me then it's easier to just be myself. Because I know he respects me I'm more able to set boundaries and stick to them. Because I know he loves me for me I'm able to really express my opinions whether they are the same as his or not. Because I am secure I am able to stand up for myself without fear that he'll bail. I'm honest with a man for the first time in my life but it helps that I know he won't condemn.

Does any of this make sense. I think because I'm healthy, I found someone that is healthy which in turn helps me to become even healtier.

So bottom line, my codependency traits are still there but I'm able to control them and understand what I'm feeling because we don't have all the other "stuff" to deal with too. The relationship just seems to work.

But....after realizing all of this I have to ask myself which came first. My healthy behavior patterns or his. Is it because of him (his non controlling - non judgemental personality) that I'm able to have a healthy relationship or did I attract him because I'd become healthier.

Anyway, just thinking outloud about my recovery today.

t

May 26, 2005
6:05 pm
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jamaicanwife
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Thinking out loud is very healthy. Don't listen to all those other people mumbling about the first sign of madness.

I haven't been able to figure out how I am able to be in a fairly healthy relationship with the same man I hated with every fibre of my being a few years ago. I changed, and so did he, but . . . Is he a better man because I am a healthier person? Did my codependence cripple him? Could I have had a happy marriage from day 1 if I had tried to make myself happy instead of focusing all my energy on my husband's happiness?

May 27, 2005
5:32 am
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revelation
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Hey tracylyn, no problem!! Tis' an apt description for your thread...good thread too, wish I was as articulate...but I'm striving towards what you have described above...I'm gettin' there, but sometimes I relapse into my insecurities.

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