Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
i've been told i think too much
August 31, 2005
4:40 pm
Avatar
2careful
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi everyone,

its my first time, and i guess.. i learned about my co-dependency when my last ex boyfriend broke up with me about a year ago. he claims that he needed to find himself, 6 months ago, i found out from a friend it was because he had feelings for another girl.

im in my early 20s and only have had 3 real relationships my whole life. I've noticed in both relationships that i was controlling and always started fights with them. both relationships ended because they had feelings for someone else. my last ex boyfriend has been trying to come back to me, but i realize you cant take something back if you are not over what happened. taking him back will insinuate that i am ok with him breaking up with me for another girl, just to come back because the girl and him didnt work out.

during the time we broke up.. i went out alot. drank alot. got into more fights with my family, namely my mother. met alot of guys. since ive been in long realtionships with both guys.. ive never really dated. i couldnt tell from the guys u trust from the ones who just wanted sex. i met alot of guys, none who wanted a relationship. i was physically attracted but i knew nothing could come of it. i knew i was hiding my pain from my low self esteem when i noticed i had to get drunk in order to have a good time or meet new people. when i was sober, i was scared, insecure and felt uneasy. but when i was drinking, i felt different, like i didnt care about insecurities and met alot of people. i knew it became a problem when a friend of a friend bought me home and i stayed the night. if i was sober, that wouldnt had happen. it took me a while to realize it wasnt all my fault and that it was something we both could have controlled. but it also made my self esteem even lower, made me feel like i was only good enough to be physical with someone. i've had other advances from friends, mainly, for just a physical relationship.. i always said no, just because since that incident i knew if i said yes.. i would only hurt myself again, even though i crave the attention.

when i was with my 2 last two relationships i was controlling. now im single and im so passive and indirect. i dont call, i dont make the initative to do anything when i meet someone. i react more than act on the situation. my mentality is.. i wont try unless someone gives me a good reason to. but i notice that when someone comes around and gives me a slight amount of attention, i go all out for him. and its only to guys i do this, too. i havent been on a date for the last 5 months.. and all the guys i meet seem either not interested or only want to be physical with me. i noticed within the 5 months i've gotten more passive, more indirect, more shy, more closed, and more insecure. if i am either remotely attracted to someone, i cant look at them in the face and i close off. i never approach anyone, and when i dont get approached i feel depressed, as if im looking for some sort of validation.

i have a friend who always gets approached, and i find myself comparing and putting myself down. its making me more depressed.

ive tried everything to keep my mind off of it. im pretty busy. i go to school full time, work 2 jobs, have a internship and am apart of a organization at school. i have many girl friends and a few good guy friends.

whenever i felt sad i would call up a guy friend to hang out.. but they either found a new girlfriend or just want sex from me.

when i do meet a guy.. i feel insecure about him.. worried he might go for my friends or might not find me attractive, or worst.. only want me for sex.

i tried to do everything opposite of what i feel. to not be shy, to not be scared.. and just approach people.. but when i get rejected or they give me an answer im not looking for.. i get depressed again and shut off.

a friend once said that there must be something im doing to make guys think its okay to approach me for a physical relationship. for the record.. ive only been with 4 people my own life intimately. so i dont believe im promiscious in anyway.

i am insecure, mainly about my looks. ive tried everything.. loosing weight.. buying new clothes.. everything. i dont know whats wrong with me. its like im looking for someone to validate me. and when i do find someone.. i get controlling and start fights. whats wrong with me? is it the attention i crave? whats making me feel like i need a guy to validate me?

is all this thinking normal?

August 31, 2005
4:55 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi 2careful. Wow you are so hard on yourself. I am wondering, do you think you need to have a relationship with a guy in order to feel whole? I think seeking information on codependency, self esteem, and also there are books on adult children of adult alcoholics that are very helpful. I think understanding your need to drink to feel comfortable is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. It can lead to many destructive behaviors including what you describe fighting with your parents. Before you jump into the next relationship, take time to heal for yourself. Wow you are lucky to have 3 relationships in early 20's. That is a lot to me. It would not hurt to inquire about therapy too. I hope you get better soon. Oh there is a book called Why do I think I am Nothing without a Man by Penelope Russianoff. Read the book by Melody Beattie..Codependent No more, etc. Love yourself first and foremost. Forgive yourself.

August 31, 2005
5:11 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Interesting. I have been told the same thing. But, it has been from friends who are NOT codependent.

From what I understand from this phrase, is that they are kinkdly saying and observing our behaviors, thought processes we verbalize. We think things to death, over and over, do not let things go, worry too much about things and make "too much" of some issues, while many others will just "let it go".

Make sense? This is my take on it. When I hear that, not so often any more, I try to look inside to find the cause and find my place of peace within. Ususally, something big is going on or some fear is being suppressed by myself when "I think too much".

~Sew~

August 31, 2005
5:44 pm
Avatar
donna25
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"when i do meet a guy.. i feel insecure about him.. worried he might go for my friends or might not find me attractive, or worst.. only want me for sex.

i tried to do everything opposite of what i feel. to not be shy, to not be scared.. and just approach people.. but when i get rejected or they give me an answer im not looking for.. i get depressed again and shut off."

This....I relate to. I too think too much. I saw my therpist today and told him what I want is to stop my obsessing...you know what? you can't. Its you and you have to learn to deal with it unfortunitly its the way we are built..so I first think of the worse case scenario...then I look at the situation and think, "I'm fortune telling, I don't have all the information" this for me creates a balance thought. for example...I was talking to my ex on msn...he suddenly went offline without saying good bye so my mind starts to obsess. "did he go offline becuase he didn't want to talk to me? he's never done that before.. why didn't he come back on like he uusally does if his computer crashes?" " he must not want to talk to me...why doesn't he just tell me then?"

I didn't have enough information so I called him turns out he was happy to hear from me and his internet had just gone down...now just because I would of called him to tell him, doesn't mean he would of and thought it was that big of deal...in the end it was no slight against me.

September 4, 2005
7:02 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I get told that all the time. i think all the time, except when i'm just the right amount drunk, which is one reason I used to drink alot and over the past year have drank as much as i had in the previous five (which still isn't that much, considering i only had a glass or two of wine every two or three months). Sometimes the overthinking drifts to obsessive compulsive. Finally, i've just decided that this is part of me. its part of how i deal with anxiety and stress. my psychiatrist says he can give me something to help with it and/or we can do some cognitive therapy. my thinking things through very thoroughly is also an asset. its kind of like being a minisuperhero learning to control your powers.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
25
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111162
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen, eyeconcepts, junwork52, whitedental
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information