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I've been running for my life...
June 4, 2007
11:15 am
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broken_one
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for the last three weeks. I'm beaten, broken and completely in a state of shock. Why you ask? I left my husband of 16 years for a 'break'. I didn't know why I was wanting a separation, all I knew is my soul was screaming out at something and I was so messed up, I didn't know why and he wouldn't give me one second of freedom to think. The more I tried to pull away, even with getting a job, he'd sit on me and lock me down on the farm for months.

He's a complete jerk and has injured me (severed rotator cuff, bicept tendon ruptor, i'm badly bruised, ect.) He's taken everything from me and here I sit, safe and untouchable for the first time in three weeks. Now.. like a crack addict, I'm missing him. Its only been 24 hours since my safety happened and I'm reaching out to contact him. I'm insane.

I'm just beginning to realize, I'm a co dependent and he's an abusive, controlling, dominating jerk. But as I sit here, 1000 miles away from anything that even resembles home, as I hug my children who are only now safe and sound, I'm afraid and i want him.

I'm reaching out, I'm terrified. I don't understand yet how I've let myself come to this place. I'm an amazing, college educated, beautiful woman and I'm broken and I can't seem to 'make' myself stop this. Please, if you have any insight, or advice for a crazy lady, please share.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings.

June 4, 2007
11:29 am
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Anonymous
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Dear Broken One:

For youself and your children STAY AWAY from that Man. And get help for yourself. Call a domestic violence hotline.

You are not crazy. Abuse distorts the mind. "Chronic mistreatment gets people to doubt themselves," writes
Lundy Bancroft in Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Get a copy and read this book.

You have formed a trauma bond with an abuser and unless you break this bond with healthier thinking you will return. Read the Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes. It saved me.

I am free from my abuser and I am not going back.

Please get help today! You and your children are so worth it. Say NEVER again and MEAN it!

Moon & Stars

June 4, 2007
11:47 am
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atalose
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I agree with moon, you have formed a truama bond with your abuser and you need to break that bond. I would venture to say besides the codependency issue you are addicted to him as well. 16 years is a long time, patterns, behaviors are very hard to break. Your expression of a crack addict is not far from reality. Seek out professional help and please put NO CONTACT into effect for your sake and the sake of your children.
The missing him part is just the comfort level you have become accustomed to, a very false sense of comfort. Keep posting and what ever you do DO NOT CALL THAT MAN.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 4, 2007
11:55 am
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mj
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Welcome to this site!

What you are experiencing is Fear of the unknown. Sometimes it feels safer to remain in the abusive environment because you know what to expect and what is expected.

I admire you for taking care of yourself and getting yourself away. You obviously felt you need to leave and you Did! Hooray for YOU and YOUR Children!

You Can Do This! You have displayed great Strength by leaving an abusive situations. Glad you have reached out and asked for support. You will find love and support here from people who understand that change is difficult and we don't have to do it alone.

June 4, 2007
2:17 pm
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fantas
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Broken, welcome to the site. Good for you for leaving this abusive relationship and taking your and your children to safety. At this time, you are in shock for leaving your abuser and anticipating your future has to be frightening. Are you at a shelter or with relatives? You a great deal of support. Right now, you and your children are like soldiers straight from the war field. Your reality is warped in ways you can't even begin to understand right now. Please do not call your husband and do not engage with him in any way unless you are with someone. Keep posting and reading some of the posts here. You are definitely not alone anymore...

June 4, 2007
4:34 pm
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gracenotes
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Broken, wherever you are, please call a domestic violence hotline. We are here to support you, and you can find support and referrals when calling a hotline. They are everything.

You are not crazy. You have been beaten down, brainwashed to doubt yourself, and are addicted to this man because this has been your pattern for years with him and now he is not here, but another part of you knows this is not right and knows the truth. Every day gets easier. I wish you the best.

June 4, 2007
7:55 pm
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broken_one
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Thank you all for your comments. Yes, I KNOW I'm addicted to him. I am just beginning to understand all that I've allowed to happen to me, but I'm seeing myself and my life with new eyes and clarity for the first time in a really long time. He's on his way to the state I'm hiding in, but I'm ready if I have to run again. I've contacted domestic voilence hotlines and have found a shelter nearby if i need it. I'm with my father now which is temporary I know, but atleast now, I have a name for what I'm dealing with after years and years of feeling like I was just crazy! Thank you all. I'm heading out soon to buy the books you've recommended. He's coming and I'm afraid, but, my life is my own now, and I'm breathing freely for the first time in years. Tommorrow is a new day and this is the first 24 hrs in 16 years with no contact... one day at a time.

June 4, 2007
7:59 pm
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lovinglife
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Broken~

What your feeling is totally normal- and its not because of love why you miss him. We get so used to the choas going on in our minds that when we get to a calming place- it doesn't feel normal for us. PLEASE, PLEASE don't let what you are feeling be confused with anything other than what many women who first get out of abusive relationships feel. Honey, you just survived living in a war zone--- Get yourself educated on why you are feeling the way you do- just like you have done by starting this thread.

Its not going to be easy at first- you will feel that strong pull towards him - its all you've known for how long....but in time you will find a new normal, and that new normal when be one of peace...doesn't happen overnight but once you taste it- it will make you wonder how the hell you survived.

Remind yourself that you are now free and remember those days and nights you spent dreaming of being free...

June 4, 2007
9:20 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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((broken))

June 4, 2007
9:35 pm
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thewall
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Oh broken one, bless your heart. please be careful. Let the domestic violence shelters guide you, and seek out a therapist, atty and maybe even a restraining order on him.

i am praying for your safety. Congratulations on such strenght and growth. There is much more freedom to come as you work thru the effects of the abuse.

thewall

June 5, 2007
12:33 pm
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gracenotes
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broken,

I am so glad that you have the backup plan to go to the domestic violence shelter. You might want to warn the police too. Depending on the area, they may be a source of help. If they know ahead of time what the situation is, that he can be a danger, then, if he shows up, they can more quickly assist you. They need to know if he has made any threats, not matter how minor, as well. I would call them today, because he is on his way and is threatening to invade your privacy with unwanted contact. Maybe even start a restraining order process? Do not undermine how bad his behavior can be. Any threats need to be reported to the police.

You are showing your strength!! Despite your addiction to you and how he has tried to grind you to the ground with his abuse, you are still standing strong and doing the right thing. Take care strong one!!

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