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iurads;vjawgsja'g
August 13, 2001
10:28 am
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distracted
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I don't need any replies - I just need to get through this time right now. I know I'm just bitching and moaning and I need to change the things I don't like about myself - myself - but right now I just need to get through tonight.

I think I'm losing my mind. I don't know which way is up right now. I can't shake this destructiveness inside of me. I think I'm walking a fine line right now - teetering towards the side of screwing everything up. I can't control my emotions and they are getting the best of me. There's some craziness inside - the more I need someone the more I stay away from them - the more I push them away. I don't want anyone to look at me to stand close to me to touch me. BUt there's another part of me that desperately needs that - I don't know how to reconcile the two sides.

I can't find the good in me - I can't find anything that I feel passionate about...I have no focus...I can't get motivated until it comes down to the wire. I don't know what I want or what I need. There's a part of me that still feels, after almost 9 years, that my partner is going to go one day...that she would be better off with someone else...that I need to leave her before she leaves me. Screwed up - I know - but I still feel that way - deep down. I feel like I'm in a constant state of sensory overload. I want to cry but I can't. But at the same time, I keep going through periods of feeling nothing. Totally disconnected.

I need things to be different. This has to stop. I feel like I'm being consumed from the inside out - like part of me is dying the longer this goes on - I also know that it's all me - I'm my own worse enemy and I am having a hard time changing that. I've lost 20lbs over the last several months - not a bad thing - I was feeling flabby - but I wasn't doing anything to lose weight. I can't sleep - and when I do it's full of dreams and not restful at all. I'm not communicating with my partner well - nor am I doing the things I feel like I should do to help her in her own stuff. I can't feel anything. Nothing fits - for every thought I have there is another that is the total opposite. Everything is careening around inside of me - bouncing and jumping like a pinball - from one thing to the next..from one opposite to another.

I'm trying to learn to talk about this stuff - but it seems like the more I do the worse it gets...the stronger and bigger it gets. I can't see an end to all this right now - can't find the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like every cell in my body is vibrating right now - waiting for something...?

I was hoping posting here would somehow calm things down. At least buy me some time for it to pass for now.

August 13, 2001
1:42 pm
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malaikau
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Hey Distracted,

I know you are struggling to hold on. You are on such a strenuous journey, and little relief in sight, I know. Things are about to change for you. I believe you are on the right path, and that a "break through" is just around the bend.

It's okay to just be where you are. Have you ever been laying in bed at night, with no air conditioning, and it feels so hot. You flip your pillow over to the cool side--you do it again. You throw the covers off, you try just sleeping with the sheet, you strip off your shirt, you move as far away from the body heat of your partner as possible--and nothing works. Nothing. Until you just lay still. You lay still and before you know it, you've stopped perspiring and surprisingly, you find yourself drifting off.

Just be where you are, Distracted. Don't fight the heat. Just lay still. Experience it. Surrender to it. Give yourself to lose control in a safe manner. Let your emotions bubble to the surface. And before you know it, you'll find yourself drifting away to some place much more pleasant. . .

Your friend,

Mal

August 14, 2001
12:09 am
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silence
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damn. I was going to post a new thread with the same title...

August 14, 2001
12:19 am
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malaikau
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Hey. I completely understood the title of this thread. *wink*

Hugs,

Mal

August 14, 2001
1:41 pm
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distracted
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hi Listen

I think some of our hardest times were in the first 3-4 years. I've never been in a long term relationship before so I don't know if what I've experienced is the norm...typically, we do things the hard way. I do feel like I know my partner better, and I feel like the trust has grown between us. We are still learning things about each other - and I hope we always do...I mean, we know each other really really well - but like everyone else, we're spiritually and emotionally in perpetual motion...so there's always something new to discover. Keeps things interesting.

Having said that though...it hasn't always been smooth sailing since the first 3-4 years...we're having a rough time right now. I screwed up. In the snowstorm that I've been in lately (and where my above post came from) and the emotional roller coaster ride that ensued, I questioned whether or not our relationship was beneficial to either of us. I'm not sure where we stand right now. I've been feeling so numb lately that I have had a hard time feeling the love I have for her, and with that numbness, along with the desperation, aloneness, and confusion that I've been feeling, out pops this question. And as usual, my timing sucked. We're both in a bad place and it's really hard to communicate and take care of each other right now.

All the current stuff aside, my trust and love for her has grown exponentially as our relationship has gone on. It took us both quite a long time to truly get real with each other and when that started happening, a whole new kind of love and trust started developing. It's not been easy, but it has been worth it.

distracted

August 21, 2001
3:12 pm
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distracted
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hi listen -
just wondering how things are going with your relationship - you seemed pretty stressed about it...
hope things are going well - I know it's hard - waiting for the dust to settle.

August 22, 2001
10:46 am
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malaikau
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Hi Distracted,

I hope this little note finds you feeling well. I think it's says a lot about you, and "Listen" as well, that you are able to let go of your own troubles long enough to offer support to each other. I hope things are getting a little bit better every day--for both of you!

Your friend,

Mal

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