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It's tough sometimes
November 12, 2005
11:59 am
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Getting Better
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I was in an alcoholic marriage for 26 years, I cooked, cleaned, laundry etc whilst my wife would continue on her downward spiral. Eventually it got to me and I moved into our basement, that’s when she got help. But the marriage only lasted for another 9 months.
I found out the hard way about my co-dependency issues, I was (still trying to mend) what I thought was the best relationship a man could ask for and I blew it with my issues, which she recognized from her experience with alcohol in her past life. I love this lady more than I have ever loved or can remember loving anyone in my muddled up story, but at the moment she does not want to even talk to me. Last weekend she came over and picked up her belongings from my house, but managed to forget to bring mine back to me, I dwell on this constantly in the hope that she did this on purpose so she would have a reason to see me again, but she won't even answer my calls (call display).
My question is how long do I wait, sometimes it's just so unbearable that I just break down in tears; I just can't control my emotions.
I'm getting counselling and have just started attending Al-anon, but the wait is just so lonely, my son has moved in with me to help, but I don't know if this is helping or not. Maybe my venting here might.

November 12, 2005
12:09 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Getting Better:

Glad you are here, but sorry for your circumstances.

My opinion.. how long do you wait? Don't look at it like that. What I think you need to do is go to your counseling, go to Alanon, come here to vent and learn and get support. At this point in time you need to work on you solely. After you have healed there will be a time to try to get her back if you still want to, but for now the focus needs to be on you.

I bet if you quit calling her and just went about your own life... I would think she might sit up and notice. She feels hurt right now so I don't think there is anything you can do to get her attention. But usually it is the attention you don't give that gets their attention. Make sense?

However it works out for you, and I truly wish you only the best. But DO NOT move back in together until ya'll resolve your issues. If you do you are setting yourself up for a repeat of what you had, not the healthy relationship you have had.

November 12, 2005
12:22 pm
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Anonymous
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I agree with mamacinnamon. We all need to take care of ourselves. The blatant disrespect that your wife is displaying cannot be tolerated. It will be through loving yourself and setting up some healthy boundaries that will help. At least I have found that to help me. Hopefully there will be a time for communication, and that some new rules of what you will and will not accept will be considered by her. However, if she chooses not to respect you and the behaviors that you will and will not tolerate, then I don't feel that there is a whole lot you can do. Just keep on taking care of yourself. You deserve to have your needs met too. I hope you are giving that to yourself and/or finding ways to do that. A good dose of fun can also help put things in balance. Treat yourself to something fun just for you. Take care.

November 13, 2005
3:15 am
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Lass
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It's a funny thing. Self respect is required for others to respect us.

LL

November 13, 2005
9:54 am
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Getting Better
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Had a reasonable day yesterday (sorry for the self pity), nearly had to stop the car when I was out shopping though, the uncontrollable emotions sometimes just seem to hit when you least expect. I talked to my son (I have to get a sponsor at Al-Anon) about it, I never was an emotional person, always everyone else's rock, but now I've let them out, sometimes they just will not stop, but by God I do feel better after a good cry.
I bought "Love is a choice" I think someone on this site recommended it, and I'm nearly 1/2 way through it in the first day, there is so much to relate to, but according to the author I'm now hitting the hard part,I really want to do this and get better; the big question is. Am I doing this for me or just to try and get my girlfriend back and then continue on this dilapidating spiral?
I hope it's both, I believe that God put the two of us together for some higher purpose that as yet, He, has not revealed, I know the first step was for me to get better, I'm just waiting for his guidance on the next.
Thanks for all the support, I will get better!
Getting Better

November 13, 2005
11:14 am
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mj
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September 29, 2010
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Hi Getting Better,

I Love YOUR Name! It's just one day at a time. Al-Anon helps me to focus on my behaviors and change what is not working in my life. Work the steps and you will find Serenity!

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