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It's too much.
December 11, 2001
5:40 pm
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Honeymajig
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Hey guys,
saw doc yesterday and counselor today. Doc is keeping my meds the same for his week because i am still getting some side effects, she is going to put me up next week. counselor was ok, felt really bad 'cause i was mainly just talking about how bad my mum made me feel this week. but kind of relieved i was able to say it. have decided to let her get on with her life and i will get on rebuilding mine. she rang me today and told me she missed me. this is after spending the whole weeken at my sisters place and not even inviting me.... i don't get her anymore. anyway, just a quick post, will be back soon,
take care,
love
Becca xx

December 13, 2001
10:07 am
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Honeymajig
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December 13, 2001
10:42 am
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lilythe
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I concider myself a real pro when it comes to venting, as well as dissecting myself, but I feel that it does me no good keeping the info to myself. I was in therapy in my teens and college years, but not now. I had really enormous breakthroughs thru all the counseling I have received but over the past 1-2 yeas I am discovering how much more work has to be done to repair what childhood abuse has tattooed on my sould. I am finding myself in a difficult situation with a dear friend of mine... As I stated, I am not seeing a therapist at the moment, haven't since college, although recently I am entertaining the thought of seeing someone again..... The fortress I built around myself is getting REALLY lonely and I want to blow it away, but I feel I need to bounce my feelings off another person (be it a counselor or friend) My dear friend John is willing to listen, but some of my biggest "issues" involve him. He's the onlt real person I have that wants me to "share" with him, but he's quite the fragile little puppy so I think It would be heartless of me to dump info on him and involve him. My fear of involving him comes from the fact that he's wanted to marry me since we met 9 years ago. Little did he know what I mess I was then, and how much it still affects me now. I spent 9 long year riddled with guilt over the fact that I was trying to be his friend when he wanted more than that. (He's been in therapy as well for similar problems)...... If I don't talk to someone, I know myself well enough that I'll just blow off the work I need to do on myself..... If I don't start clearing up all the hatred I harbor, I'll be alone forever, and I don't want that (or at least I'm trying to convince myself, after 6 single years, to give it another try)
So, the "Opinopn Poll" of the day would be..... do I share the truth of the situation with my best friend who may or may not be apt to assist me in my voyage to clean up the anger from the past? Even if he's one of the ones who helped build up alot of guilt?

December 13, 2001
11:42 am
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Molly
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lilythe, If you can't talk to him, why would you consider marriage? That is the first question that I have for you. However often it is better to utilize a counselor or even these threads rather than to drop bombs on our friends and family. with what you have shared, it would scare me, if I had been in a relationship with you all this time, and knew that you still doubted it. It doesn't sound like a two way thing, and I may be wrong, but are you setteling for him ? is he really just a good friend, and your ready to go out and find a mate, or is this man, the one???? You have the answer to your questions, you may need to simply write them out to formulate the thoughts better.

December 13, 2001
11:53 am
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Molly
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Becca, good for you, sounds like your doing great. Ya know with the mother thing, I am on the opposite end of this. My girls have never really languaged the what happened, never explained the with drawl from me, the distance, the walls, and I have to take what relations they choose to give me. Just as your mom spent the weekend with your sister and didn't invite you, my girls go to their grandma's and fathers, with out letting me know they are down here. They live 2 hours away, and there grandma's house is 20 min. they ditched me literally Thanksgiving, after having invited me the day before. My feelings were hurt, but for some reason they felt they could do what ever, and I am supposed to be ok with it. Sometimes I think they do what is easiest for them, which is ok, and perhaps your mom does the same. We all gravitate to the ones that we connect with the easiest, and like you said you get to see your dad. I was daddys girl, and didn't have much of a relationship with my mom until much later in life, it doesn't mean your mother loves you any less. If your mom rags on you, if at all possible, just look at her with love and forgivness, or ask her to stop as it makes your visits difficult. Her feelings may be hurt, but like I want to say to my girls, if you don't label the problem with our relationship, how is it ever going to change? You will know when you are ready to do this, and perhaps it isn't worth the effort, parent child relations, are hard especially when your going from child to adult, the parent is just sorta like a fish out of water. Know that she can't hurt you if you don't let her, its hard I really know, from the other end. Keep drinking that water.

December 13, 2001
2:48 pm
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Cici
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lilythe

I must say you sound familiar to me. Sounds like me. Look, everyone has issues. Terrible, horrid, repulsively painful things that can make you harbor such rage that it can destroy your life. And it will.

I think sometimes that I must force myself to go on, to reach out. I'm not saying dump your bag of crap in his lap I'm saying, reach out for a hand to hold. Just because you reach out doesn't mean he'll crumble like a cracker because you're not dumping on him. Your asking if he can just help remind you of the reasons that people are good, the reasons to not give in to anger.

I'm issue city. I've got the whole case story going, molestation and child abuse, two rapes. But I'm married. Strange, huh? Not really. Without my husband I would be so very lonely and lost and angry. He reminds me that there are good people in this world who aren't so selfish and cruel and misguided. He reminds me of compassion and understanding. Sometimes I hate him and we argue because I get so angry at every little thing - I interpret it as the worst. I get enraged, but he holds my arms and just waits until I calm down.

No one is perfect. There is no such thing as being psychologically "right". Relationships are about two people who can endure each others' idiosynchrasies. When you are so terribly wounded in your early life, it's very very hard to open up and allow yourself to love. It takes a long, long time and a lot of work. I still can't do it. But I know the seed is planted. It's THERE. I have to cultivate it.

December 13, 2001
3:49 pm
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strengthcourageandwisdom
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Hey Honey,
You are so cute, I read with all seriousness, what you have been going through, and I was at first so mad at you, for not
understanding that Your ONLY BUSINESS right now is SAVING your own life. Forget everybody, and everything else in College, smollege, what does it matter, if your dead, how well you did in Literature 101.
I'm 41 and in college right now. School ain't going nowhere.!!
And you are pulling my leg about the stigma of taking medication right.... Why is it if we have a cold, we run for the drugstore, if we break an arm, we practically call an ambulance, but when our mind is BROKE, we don't want MEDS, and deliberate long and hard on whether to see someone. As my kids say !!!WHATEVER!!!! Your life is in more danger from suicide, than a broken arm . SO ACT ACCORDINGLY. Besides, who can judge you, all the people that are not on prozac, zoloft,welbutrin,( BY THE WAY LADIES HERE IS A GOOD PALCE TO MAKE A STOCK INVESTMENT, DRUG COMPANIES:-))(and the rest) or self medicating themselves with alcohol, pot, and other street pharmeceuticals. Seek help, continue to get help, and don't stop till you are well. And if one thing doesn't work try something else, the same way you would, if you had a pain in your leg, If your doctor gave you medicine, and it didn't help, you would call him , and tell him, that didn't work, let's try something else. When I had hypertension , my doctors tried at least 4 medications before we found one that works and had side effects I could live with. Why did I persist, no one could tell , I had hypertension, and it didn't bother me all the time. But high blood pressure can Kill you. So can depression, treat your mental health the same way. And keep coming here, there are people here who don't just alk the talk they walk with walk,and do it with love. P.S. Forget Mom right now. You can deal with that when you are stronger.

December 14, 2001
6:32 am
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Honeymajig
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I feel really wierd, I have been on my meds for one and a half weeks now and I am starting to feel as if I am going slowly backwards. I was much less anxious and depressed and now it is slowly creeping back even though my meds have not changed. Is this 'normal'? I am seeing my doc on Monday and she is increasing them then, do you think that will help with this? Any suggestions welcome... take care everyone and thank you,
Love
Becca xx

December 14, 2001
10:04 am
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lilythe
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Molly & Cici: Wow, it's good to hear confirmation on the things I know are true down deep in my soul. One of my life goals is to cancel out the HUGE doubt in my own decisions and needs and just step out unafraid of severe rejection from peers. I am going to talk to John about it, he's my best friend. I'll never get past my own safety boundaries and the intense fear which was implanted in me as a child unless I face the music, try and trust someone. I stated before I went thru therapy a long time ago.... on and off from age 10 to age 22, been thru meds and threats of institutionalization.... I'm 30 now and I may have gone a long time without any "severe" depressive episodes BUT I'm angrier than ever. THEN AGAIN, I also know better. I know who I want to be, and I know it's an uphill battle. The work never ends. And just when you think you're backed into a corner (again) and you fear a devistating relapse, you can find people who can share their experiences and speak to you with a painful knowledge that is comforting to fellow sufferers. You can find strength in yourslef AND in others, which wasn't always the case especially in abuse. Thanks, guys again for the "listening ears". I know "stumbling" across this website was a push in the right direction for me.....

December 14, 2001
11:33 am
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Cici
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Becca, I can't help ya with meds because the same thing happened to me on all the ones I've ever taken, from antidepressants to antianxiety to mood stabilizers. They all make me wacko.

lilythe, anger is normal. It's how you utilize the energy it gives you that can help you out. I love going at it with a punching bag. Try it, it's liberative. All our lives little girls are taught not to be physically expressive with aggression. It's time we learned how (appropriately, ha ha)

December 14, 2001
1:37 pm
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strengthcourageandwisdom
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Ladies,
I'll tell you just something to think about. I don't have all the answers, are know how this works.(Ladeska can probably explain it) But I have had one really serious bout with depression ( I literally thought I was losing my mind), and few that were not so bad, I don't know if they weren't true episodes are if it was because I went for help so fast that they didn't set in and take hold.
But on every occasion meds brought me around, slowly and sometimes quickly. But all the therapist kept telling me YOU ARE SO ANGRY!! It is expressing itself as depression. I joke a lot, I consider myself a great mother, and I am a hard worker, and I have always said what do I have to be angry about, I have a great life. But every therapist always says, it. They have asked if I have been sexually abused ,because unsurfaced anger is commonly masked as depression in those victims. But I was never abused sexually. As a matter of fact, when I was 10 and my older adult cousin try to feel me up , once , in our home, I kneed him so hard in the groin, and told him that I would tell my family if he ever touched me again, that he never looked my way again.
But it is real, for some reason when we don't do something with our anger, for some reason it eventually finds an outlet
as DEPRESSION. I don't know why they are related emotions, but I do know that often before an episode of depression , I am so irritable an angry that I just wanted to decapitate my husband if he so much as breathed.I'll get to the bottom of my anger , one day, but just know
for some reason( especially in women) those two emotions are a dysfunctional two-some.

December 17, 2001
9:27 am
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Honeymajig
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I feel so rough at the moment...I have no energy to do anything and I don't want to do anything because I feel so bad. I just want to curl into a ball and hibernate for a few months. I really wish I could just take a few months to take control of my life, but I have so much to do in the next month alone. I feel as if i am loosing my mind being so anxious. I really do think I am crazy? I don't want to be a burden on anyone else, so I don't want to talk to anyone, I feel so miserable again...I am already on meds, why is this happening? What more can I do? I don't even want to do stuff like get up in the morning, 'cause if i stay asleep i am worry free...i can't be bothered to eat, then i get hungry and comfort eat.....i don't want to go out anymore, i just feel that my life is falling apart.

December 17, 2001
10:22 am
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Honeymajig
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I just want to die...i am not kidding...but i am too scared to die. Last night i was up at about 3 am and i had this really depressing thought, when i die and i am buried, and my kids and their kids and their kids have gone and the sun expands and swallows the earth, what will happen to us...we will just not exist antomre...this scares the hell out of me and i am only f***ing 21 years old . i mean i am so scared to die and yet i feel as if i am spiralling out of control toewards it. why??? i mean what is it all about...what will my life have even meant? I am worth nothing ...what is the point in me being alive?

December 17, 2001
10:59 am
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gypsygirl
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Call a crisis line and talk to the person on the other end of the line. Maybe a brief (3-5 days) stay at a hospital will relieve alot of daily stress and do not worry about the kids they will be fine. You must take care of your self before you can give healthy care to the children. do it for the kids if you must. do not ignore these feelings in hopes that they will go away... the will only manifest themselves in ways that are not healthy. summon the last bit of resistance and energy, put it to good use. A brief stay at the hospital will not be the end of you... only the beginning of the end of the suffering. The sunshine promises happiness, and it is shinning on you at this moment.

"I" was in the "looney bin" last week... "I" sliced my wrist and swollowed half a bottle of Rx sleeping pills. I am not healed, but I can face the demands of daily life again, almost......... I have to take another week off work. And I say "I" because "I" am a "WE"

December 17, 2001
11:20 am
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Honeymajig
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gypsy - wasn't quite clear...i don't actually have children...they are theoretical at the moment. i can't go to hospital as my mum and dad would find out about all of this and i do not want them to know. i can't really call a crisis line because i don't want to talk to anyone about this and they could be taking calls from people who really need it. i am so worthless. would it really be a problem if i didn't exist?

December 17, 2001
11:28 am
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Honeymajig
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i am so scared

December 17, 2001
12:01 pm
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Honeymajig
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oh god i am scared

December 17, 2001
12:28 pm
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Molly
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You just type out here, every single thing that you are afraide of , call your doctor and see if you can get in earlier. There is nothing that you can't handle with help. Since you are 21 your parents don't have to have any more information that what you give them, if that is what you need, please do not let that stop you from getting treatment. You could simply be having a reaction to the medication. WE are here.

December 17, 2001
12:30 pm
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eve
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Honeymajig,

I hear you! And I send you a big hug < <<<> < > < > < >>>>.
Just take it slowly and steadily from here. I'm sure that you can.
Make yourself a cup of tea, light a candle and try to sing a song that you like (singing is good for the fear). If you can't manage singing then breathe deeply. You are not worthles at all. And whith time you'll sort it all out. Call that crisis hotline. Try to contact your doc to tell him/her how you feel - doesn't sound like the medication is working. Get a friend to stay whith you. And get off that thought that you can't tell your parents. This is ablut you, a human being. Not worthless at all, but bundled up whith problems at the moment. If your parents don't want to see you as a whole person but only as Little Lady Fauntleroi (sp?) then they have the problem. It's not your problem if they can't see people as people. Maybe you learned that kind of thinking "I'm worthless if I have problems" from your parents. If they really believe that you only have worth if you don't have any problems, then they are realy cruel people. What makes you so afraid to tell them? They are not your enemies - if they don't care enough about you to help you through this then you propably don't need any contact to them. I don't think that their judgment of you would be harder than your own, can't really be, can it?

Is the tea ready? Are you breathing? Singing? No? Humming?? Come on! Just a little bit. Good wishes to you from Austria (here it's freezing cold and its snowing).

December 17, 2001
1:10 pm
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Honeymajig
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have been to doctors... she has doubled my meds and i have an appointment for 3 weeks time as i am away until then. i see my counselor tomorrow. have spent an entire afternoon sitting at my pc crying. thank yu all for your words
< >> back to all of you
Becca xx

December 18, 2001
12:50 pm
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strengthcourageandwisdom
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Hey Honey,
YOU are still here. SAY IT, NO matter what "I'm Still HERE"
Crying means YOU ARE STILL HERE, FEELING 'MEANS YOU ARE STILL HERE>
TELL THE WORLD "I AM STILL HERE"- SHOUT IT
Now whisper this to yourself- THIS IS IMPORTANT-
"I am going to be here tomorrow too"

Depression SUCKS, no doubt about it. IT hurts, GOD , Does it hurt, it is so damn painful..... I still remember

BUT this is what you need to know, if you had an awful pain, in your leg, no matter how excruitiating , you don't hurt yourself,more. You get help, and sometimes just tough it out.

The kicker about the pain of depression is it messes with our mind , which is what you need to fight it with. It is like HIV screws up your immune system so it can't fight back. Depression batters on your thought process so that what would normally come out as "I need some help" comes out as " I need to die" Its the trick of depression, so that you can't fight back.

But now that you know how the illness plays , you can win.
As you continue to fight back with , your doctors help, your counselor, and sometimes just by toughing it out, Keep
saying to yourself" I'm going to be here,tomorrow too"

I guess that is what my grandmother used to mean when she used to say after particular hard day "I believe I will run on and see what tommorrow brings"

I know tomorrow was sometimes all I had, but I'm still here and depression-free, you can be too.

RUN ON, Honey, See what tomorrow brings.

December 19, 2001
8:48 am
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Honeymajig
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Well, have got through the first night on double meds. Feeling the side effects again a bit but i expected that so it isn't too bad. Still feel really down, can't be bothered to do anything. Just feel like shutting myself away for a while to get better... wish i could.
Take care of yourselves,
love Becca xx

December 19, 2001
11:10 am
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strengthcourageandwisdom
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I told you, you maybe a little worn for the wear, But
YOU ARE STILL HERE!!!!
I light a candle for you and say a prayer for your deliverance.
Check in

December 19, 2001
11:20 am
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Honeymajig
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Thank you 🙂 please see my new thread .."Just a thought..."
Becca xx

December 21, 2001
1:03 pm
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strengthcourageandwisdom
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Oh so you like perfume too,
I don't know about all that aromatherapy stuff, just
know that bubblebaths and perfume have always made me feel better.
I think it goes back to the fact that when ever we were having really lean times in my childhood , and my clothes were not the latest fashion, I always snuck in my Mom's room and put on her perfume,( there was always something,-- good times( Estee Lauder, Channel, bad times
Jean Nate, or AVON (smile). So when I went to school I always still felt I had something special about me the other girls didn't ( even if it wasn't new clothes)

Funny the things you remember.

Stay with us Honey and Blondie, we are going somewhere.....

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