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It's too much.
November 30, 2001
5:47 am
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Honeymajig
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I am having a really bad time at the moment. I am getting a lot of pressure from my parents and also a lot of pressure from college. My parents do not know that I am having counseling still and I do not want to tell them. At college I am having trouble with my assignments and I am not getting much support, apart from a counselor. My head of year knows I am having counseling but she seems to think that because I have been going for almost three months now (once a week) I should be 100% better and getting on with my course. I am still really struggling to face up to things I have discovered through counseling. Because of this I have become more and more stressed by everyday life, my fiancee is suffering because I am always upset or angry. And I do not feel this is fair on him. We had a massive argument last night because he was tired and I wanted to talk about why he had upset me earlier in the evening. It ended up with me going to sleep on the couch. I was crying for ages, but getting more and more upset. Things kind of went a bit hazy after that and the next time I really knew what I was doing I was sitting on the bathroom floor with a load of paracetamol. My fiance had heard me moving around and had come to see what I was doing. I hadn't taken any, I was taking them out of the pack to make it easier. The thing that has scared me the most is that if he had not come out I really would have taken them all. I used to work in a pharmacy, so I already knew how many I needed to take and I think I would have just gone back to the couch and waited. I wanted so much to die and stop suffering these feelings. My fiance and I talked for ages after and he got through to me a bit about how it would have been bad if I had gone through with it. He had flushed all the paracetamol in the house while I was in the bathroom so he let me go to sleep. Now I have woken up feeling just as bad, but not in the same frame of mind. Although to be honest I am still close to doing it again. I have no one to talk to. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I can tell you guys because it is writing it down and it doesn't seem so real. I don't see my counselor until Tuesday and I ........
I guess I just don't know what to do.
I anyone reads this, can you help?
Becca xx

November 30, 2001
8:30 am
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Honeymajig
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Blondie...
I understand a lot of what you have said. But when I thought about killing myself last night I felt absolutely nothing. Not scared, not worried and I felt as if it would be better all round if I was just dead. I know people qwould hurt...but I think they would get over it. Why wouldn't they? There is no way I can tell my parents. As I have said befor on another thread I told my mum once that I was thinking about counseling and she told me it wasn't necesary and I would be wasting peoples time and someone who deserved it more wouldn't get help because I was basically being selfish. I have not been going behind her back and a lot of the problems I jave come from her. Today I have thought about doing it but I am so stupid I can't even think of a way to do it. I don't want to hurt anyone, it just feels that everyone would be better off if i was dead. Don't worry. I am not going to do it. I am going to go on a walk and then meet a friend. I can't talk to her but it will get me out for an hour. Then my fiance will be back. I will tell him what you have said. I really don't want him to hurt and I don't know why he stays with me.
I hurt so much inside and there is nothing I can do about it.
Becca xx

November 30, 2001
8:32 am
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Honeymajig
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I am gonna try and get an appointment with a doctor. Maybe meds are the right direction to go. God knows I have tried everything else.
Becca xx

November 30, 2001
10:49 am
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gypsygirl
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The only thing that stopped me from swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills last night was the thought of my son finding my dead body and the concern of him ending up in foster care like his half sister.

November 30, 2001
11:16 am
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eve
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Honeymajig,

I'm glad that you didn't do it. Sometimes all the pressure that we get becomes so much that our soul goes and hides in a dark corner under the table. And we forget about it. And instead we believe that we are what people expect us to be, or we make all that expectations part of ourself - and pass judgement on us.

After that shock you should sit back, take a deep breath and start celebrating your life. Start whith recovering your soul. She's sitting in this dark corner and is afraid that nobody would like her, because she listened to all that stupid things. It's not true. You are NOT what you acchieve, you are not better or worse if you do what your parents expect of you. You are a beautiful soal and a valuable living creature. Do whatever you need to do to stay alive right now. Maybe you'll hurt your parents or your friends. Maybe you'll disappoint your teacher. Maybe you'll even hurt your own pride - but you'll live to learn and grow and work on things. What the heck! Only you can keep yourself alive. And if you manage that - that's great enough for the moment.
I send you my best wishes. Eve

November 30, 2001
12:00 pm
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Honeymajig
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I have been on a walk and shopped with a friend and it was really strange. It was as if last night had never happened and I was a completely different person. I think I do this to protect myself from what I am feeling. I wish I could just say to people 'look at me, this is what i am, this is how i feel, take it or leave it'. But then I feel I should comform to what people want me to be. Last night I realised I have no idea anymore who I am. What is the point if I don't even like me? I just wish I had some outlet for all of these feelings.
Becca xx

P.S. Blondie...really weird thing, i just bought a puple candle...?

November 30, 2001
12:50 pm
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Molly
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Purple is for power. Good choice, you know in old medicine, which most originated in England, they would take the sick to an herb field, and would naturally be attracted to what they needed. You might also go for some Lavender. The scent is to me both calming,and invigorating. Mom says what she says because she comes from that time........ So she doesn't get it, some of us were taught to ignore things, or just stuff it, and move on, today we hash it discet it, chopp it up swallow it, and barf it up. Not many of us know who we are, or where we are going, its part of the growth process, thus the saying its the journey not the destination. Try to remember that, also sweetie, try to remember that men, just usually aren't real good at hearing our delimmas, they don't want to get to the point of anything, they want food comfort, and a great game, and duh, a little sexual, or emotional comfort. That is it, use this site, and girlfriends to vent. Safe places. Where are you in your cycle, sorry don't want to hit you over the head with the pms accusation, but that is when we peak, and our body says hey, slow down woman, because we are so sensitive, and aren't we getting close to a full moon again. Emotions, peak and valley, dont' please don't do anything as final as suicide. That is a long term solution to a short term problem. Go for those walks, go to the zoo, look at the monkeys and realize that we have the potential to play with our problems. Please don't think that I am taking your situation lightly, just trying to shed some light. Reach for the light, its there.

December 1, 2001
10:28 am
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eve
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honeymajing, gipsygirl,

hey you both, are you alright?

... all this talk about offing yourself. Sleeping pills more often than not don't finish you off but can leave you whith lasting brain damage. Paracetamol most likely won't kill you, but it will burn holes in your stomach and can do lasting damage to your kidneys.

Are you sure that this isn't 'just' seasonal depression? At no time of the year are people so stressed out, cruel to each other and nasty to themselfs, I feel. Why? Pepople even start fighting over a parking space in town. Here in Germany the four weeks before Christmas are called *Advent*. Since the middle ages this is supposed to be a time of silence, reflection, calming down after a busy year and cleaning and preparation for the new year that is to begin, and of hope for the newborn god-child. Nobody lives that any longer, though.

Do take care of yourselfs.

December 1, 2001
11:48 am
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Cici
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Sometimes it's so hard to remember what you should really value in life. I've had to remind myself on a constant basis - we should value life itself because as far as we can know, this is all we get. And you're stuck with yourself, so unless you want to be unhappy forever you have to learn to look at yourself both honestly and, above all, acceptingly.

In my personal experience, the 3-month mark is a heinous time in therapy. I've had my breakdowns at the 3-month point with 3 different therapists, so there ya go. I see my mind as an ocean, sometimes tranquil, sometimes stormy, but at the very bottom of the sea is all the sediment, the hidden memories, the things you locked away to protect yourself. The first part of therapy involves taking a big stick and stirring up the sediment. Then, you have to work through the horror of awakened memory. But it is essential to realize one great fact: you need to discover the amazing amount of strength and reslience which already exists inside of you.

I sympathize so completely with what you are feeling because I attempted suicide shortly after I was married in June of this year. I still feel like life is a struggle, but I also realized that you have to work to be happy. Nothing that comes to you easily is valued as much as what comes to you through right effort.

There are some things to consider in conjunctino with therapy. First of all, exercise. Not just step aerobics or running, but an activity that soothes the mind while exercising the body - tai chi, qi gong, one of the many styles of yoga, dancing, hiking. Also, my last therapist called attention to how I breathe. I was doing biofeedback to deal with a chronic illness, and I was dealing with depression and anxiety. She hooked me up to a monitor and I realized that I normally take very shallow breaths. She told me it was common in people with anxiety disorders. So try taking 10-15 minutes in the morning and at night where you just concentrate on breathing deeply and filling your lungs. It will carry into your daily life with practice.

Diet is also essential to control. Try not to drink too much caffiene, try eating more whole, fresh foods like whole grains and fresh vegetables.

I'm not saying that this is necessarily the only cause for your troubles, but I think that we all need to pay attention to these things in conjunction with the therapeutic process to help the process move along.

December 2, 2001
12:34 pm
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Honeymajig
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Hey, going to doctors tomorrow, try and get some meds. I have never wanted to need to take them before because my mum is really against them and the last time I told her that the doctor had suggested putting me on them she talked me out of it saying they were too dangerous and addictive. I told Adam this and he has told me about a few people he knows through friends and work tha are taking them and it has made me realise that it is ok to ask for help to deal with these feelings I am having. Had another bad time last night and just wanted it all to end but was able to talk to Adam and get through to this morning. I really want to go to the doctor tomorrow now and get this out the way. I think what you said about maybe taking some time out of college would be good too as it is one of the main causes of my problems. I am going to talk to my advisor after the doctors. I have counseling on Tuesday morning and am going to just tell him everything that has happened. I really think that without you guys I wouldn't have had the strength to get through last night. Thank you all. I am also thinking about asking for some more counseling outside of college. Maybe the doctors can help me with that, I don't really know how to ask for the help I need. Any suggestions welcome 🙂 .
Will check back in later,
Becca xx

December 2, 2001
9:15 pm
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Cici
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Just be honest and open with the therapist and let him or her know what's going on, how effective you feel the course of therapy is, etc. And don't forget that your body is a system of interconnected units, so you need to pay attention to your whole body, posture, lifestyle, diet, in order for the therapy and medication to work effectively.

Good luck, keep writing here. It is a lifesaver! 🙂

December 3, 2001
10:07 am
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Honeymajig
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Got an appointment in about 3 hours.
Will let you know what happens.
Becca xx

December 4, 2001
3:48 am
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Honeymajig
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Well, have been given low dose meds (citlopram hydrobromide - anyone know what this is/have experience? i will check it out on the web in a minute) by the doctor. I was surprised how much she really thought I needed them. I guess I am really in denial about how bad it is getting for me. I have to go for blood tests tomorrow just to be sure they aren't missing anything, and see her again next Monday to check how I am doing and maybe increase my meds strength. Have counselling this morning, don't want to go but I am going to make myself. Will let you all know how it goes later, Take Care,
Becca xx

December 4, 2001
3:56 am
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Honeymajig
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s.p. - citalopram hydrobromide...

December 4, 2001
5:28 pm
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Cici
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congratulations, i'm glad you've made a good first few steps. i know counseling can be hard, but it's especially important to be in counseling if you are taking psychotropic meds. To be frank, recovery rates are twice as high for those in counseling and taking meds than for those who are only taking meds. So, go for it.

Hey, why not try journaling? It's not hard to do, it just takes time. And it's always been recommended to me by therapists and friends. Just a thought.

December 4, 2001
5:32 pm
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Honeymajig
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Thanks Cici, feel really weird at the moment. First day of taking meds has really affected me, not because of the actual meds, but the whole stigma i have attached to it. Plus only got about one and a hlf hours sleep in the last 40. Off to bed now, will check in later. Thanks
Becca xx

December 4, 2001
5:47 pm
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Molly
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Stigma shimaga, I thought there was something wrong with folks if they weren't on some pill or another, for crying out loud, they have doggie, and kitty tranquilizers, and mood elevators. Good for you for going, and taking care of your self. Thank you for your support too. See, we all go through stuff, young, old, all of us. BTW you are invited too, ya know. I will assume your the one that is wearing purple. I hope for you that you feel better, and can get your much needed rest. Bet you never tried that yoga did ya? tommorow, or next week, when your ready, we all grow, and heal at our own pace, remember that. Honor where you are, don't push and with your counseling let it happen when it does, but do keep your appointments.

December 5, 2001
5:56 am
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Honeymajig
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((((((Molly)))))) thanks hon 🙂
Becca xx

(off for horrible scary blood test ... I hate needles 🙁 talk later) Becca xx

December 5, 2001
6:37 am
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Honeymajig
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ouch.... that one really hurt... I only have little veins and she didin't get it on about the first three tries :-((

December 5, 2001
1:29 pm
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Molly
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But it is over now. Get a good sleep, what did you discover about your meds, any side effects yet?

December 5, 2001
4:35 pm
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Honeymajig
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Hi Molly,
Yeah, I am having a few of the side effects, I have a permanent headache, not a bad one, but it is there all the time. My pupils are huge for a while after I take the tabs which hurts to be anywhere too bright, and they are making me feel a bit sick. However, these effects are only supposed to last a few days. They should be gone by the weekend which will be good as it is the Xmas Ball at university. I am going with Adam and 3 other guys and 5 other girls. I am looking forward to it, but also just a little apprehensive as I am not too keen on crowds right now. Last year there was loads of room to move around though and I know I can always go home if I need to. Had a bit of a sleep earlier and my arm feels better now. I am trying to keep my good bedtime routine though so I try not to nap too much before 7pm. Anyway, thanks for being here,
Will be back bright and early (or there abouts 🙂 tomorrow,
Love
Becca xx

December 5, 2001
8:46 pm
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Molly
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Perhaps you need to drink more water and wear sunglasses. Hard to say where exacly the headache is comming from, don't know about the drug, could also effect your vision, which the glasses can help. How is the tummy? No up set there? kewl. Sleep little girl sleep.

December 6, 2001
1:54 pm
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Honeymajig
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Hi 🙂
Good advice you guys...thank you. I am getting on ok. Things seem to be a bit better every day now that I have got a few things off of my back. Feeling a bit warm and fuzzy on the meds, but there we go and it isn't too bad :-). Not suffering too much with them. Have also been signed off from university for as long as I need which is a huge relief!
Anyway, not much else to report, but will check in tomorrow, love to you all, I can see the pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel, and it's all thanks to you guys.
Love
Becca xx

December 6, 2001
3:37 pm
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Cici
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I totally agree with Molly! Take care of your liver and kidneys and drink more water!!! That is usually the cause of my headaches, I'm permanently deydrated.

December 9, 2001
12:24 pm
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Hey guys 🙂
Had a reasonably good weekend, getting easier each day as the side effects are wearing down now. Am able to go out in the sunlight (what there is of it!) better now and the headaches are good as long as I have enough to drink. I have my next appointment with the doc tommorow and I think she said she will increase my meds. I may ask if I can stay on this level as I am coping better all round on this strength and I do not want to be wasted. Life is ok at the moment. I went to the Xmas Ball at Uni last night, it was good seeing everyone, but I left early. I was really tired, and I can't deal with big crowds at the moment. There were about 700 people there so it was pretty crowded. Adam is being his usual lovely self, he gives me space when I need it, but is there when I need anything. I am going to miss him at Xmas. I am away from him for 5 days , with him for 6 days, then away again for 5 days, so it isn't too bad. Xmas will take my mind off it! I am not looking forward to spending all of the time under scrutiny from my mum though. She has p****d me off too much recently. It will be good to see my dad and sister though. Anyway, will talk again soon, take care all of you,
Love
Becca xx

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