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it's starting to feel impossible - sunshine88
June 24, 2009
1:01 pm
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sunshine88
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thanks guy for so much support. hugs to all.

hey AC, you know i was actually saying to myself the other day, that i want to be found, and i did have in mind how you found your love. but then i remembered all the a**holes who found me and quickly dismissed the idea of being found! (lol).

atalose, i know how you always say that healthy people attract healthy people. but for some inexplicable reason, here in this strange country where i live, halfway around the world, all the lonely men are attracted to any woman, healthy or unhealthy. and the more u strive to be an emotionally healthy lady, omg, the more men are hitting on u, each one trying their luck, who will get the gold.

this is what happened to me when i met the man i got engaged to for 2.5 years. i was the hardest to get into unhealthy social gathering. i was the only single female in the company of 100 employees. all the men were trying, in different ways and means to get me to go out with them. i said no to everyone like a breeze. this man realized that the only way to get to me was to fake an invitation to a serious relationship. he is known by his colleagues and friends as a holy man, a faithful family-oriented man, but he lied to me, said he was divorced, turned out that he's a pervert, porn addict, emotionally abusive, stole money from me, and very married, etc etc.

i keep going over and over in my head, how did i fall for that trap? turns out that i was too lonely to quit when i saw the red flags. LEARNED MY LESSON, yes ma'am, i did.

where are the good men, like AC?! (we should clone you AC, LOL!)

June 24, 2009
1:41 pm
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Hepburn
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(((Sunshine)))

I too fell for the same trap. My last bf lied about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. When someone lies from the very beginning when you're trying to get to know each other, what can you do? On first conversation, he tells me he's been working for this company for 26 years, why wouldn't I believe him? Or that he's divorced. Why wouldn't I believe him? I'm divorced. It's a common thing. I know there had to have been SOMETHING to clue me in that at least one of his lies were lies. But honestly, I really didn't see it.....Until 8 months later.

I believe that things happen for a reason. MY lesson in that relationship was to teach me to take things SLOWER. I've always rushed in relationships. Got too serious too FAST.

This wasn't the first time something like that had happened to me, but I'm trying to make it the last time. I consider that relationship a gift. If that hadn't have happened, I would have never had checked out what codependent meant, OR found all of you on aac.

It shook me up quite a bit. My trust issues and abandonment issues were in my face. Big time.

Even though I don't believe in "traditional" marriage any more, I think everyone should get married at least once. LOL

I got married for exactly the same reason that you want to sunshine. Started a family, etc. I had so much to give and to share. It didn't last. I was married for 12 years. Considering I never stayed with anyone for more then 6 months, I think that was quite an accomplishment! But hey, my intentions were pure. And I think yours are too.

So if for no other reason then that mentioned above, you two will find each other. As with all relationships, there will be love, work, tears, joy.....It's all worth it.

June 24, 2009
2:34 pm
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sunshine88
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hey Hep, thanks for sharing. yeah, let me get married and learn the lesson never to get married again! LOL. you know when little kids want to touch fire, adults say let them, so they learn for themselves what fire is.

anyway, when something is obsessing me, i share it here, and i do grow a lot from how other people see my situation. then it starts to make sense more, and i gain a different perspective. i owe that from you guys.

June 24, 2009
2:48 pm
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Anam Cara
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sunshine - with men in your hometown / country always on the look out for a soft touch (excuse the pun) then why the heck do you stay in shuch a place?

Gosh you threw me with--- ( the only single female in the company of 100 employees) so you have no trouble to pull a guy but the product is all damaged. Get away from there if you can.

June 24, 2009
3:25 pm
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sunshine88
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hi AC, that was 4 years ago. i did leave that company after a year. and the reason why i worked so hard gaining a professional certification is aimed at leaving this place. i want to live in a country where you dont feel hunted all the time. i am totally with you on that one! 🙂

June 25, 2009
11:09 am
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innerturmoil
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Hey,
Sunshine, how are u today?
What? hunted? that's no good..
Come to the US...

U could live on the East Coast.. it is nice here..
((hugs))
PS: congrats again on your test..
are you back to work?

June 25, 2009
12:58 pm
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atalose
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I think we have all learned the hard way from past relationship experiences about red flags with others but more importantly those red flags in ourselves.

As Hepburn mentioned rushing into relationships too quickly tends to obscure the real view of another person.

Wanting so badly to be loved and cared for leads us to make desperate decisions rather then logical ones.

Something else I have learned, people with the same un-healthy character traits come in all different kinds of packages with different sales pitches. People can be like chameleons, they can conform to what they think you expect them to be. Sharing too much information too early in relationships is how they manage to get away with it and we don’t even realize it because to us it’s sharing and getting to know each other.

Example: I began dating a guy years ago after my divorce, we talked a lot about my divorce and the behaviors of my ex husband. So for a few months I really thought he was great but he was unable to sustain that greatness and his true character traits emerged. He was just as controlling as my ex husband he just did it in ways that seemed and appeared more caring and loving then meanness. If I had been in a place in my life where I was desperate in wanting a relationship so badly I am sure I would have settled…….and my new life would be as close to a repeat of my old life.

Caution and patience is how we can end up finding that needle (good men) in the haystack (un-healthy men)

Sunshine I am sorry you are living in a place where there seems to be a cluster of un-healthy men but patience and caution will guild you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 25, 2009
1:14 pm
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Hepburn
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So true atalose! Ahhh yes, the chameleon......thing is, that was me. I was the chameleon. WAS being the operative word there.

It's that old story; "Well she liked fishing when we first started going out.....!" lol

June 25, 2009
1:48 pm
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atalose
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LOL Yes I agree I too am guilt of having been, operative word (having been) a chameleon myself.

I can remember when I thought I liked and enjoyed working on car engines! He really was so cute and I was so young and dumb…….

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 27, 2009
2:10 am
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Hepburn
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HA! You win.

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