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it's starting to feel impossible - sunshine88
June 20, 2009
11:04 am
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sunshine88
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i'm having a very loud music as i write, as i am trying to drown the emotional dullness i feel. it's been only about 3 months since i am totally alone in my home. (that doesn't count of course the many years i was alone before my ex came)

i sincerely wanted and am struggling to gain the emotional independence. i truly mean it when i say i want to learn how to be happy being by myself. i've grown tired of relying on somebody else for my happiness, but i feel that i'm not a person when i'm living my life all alone. it feels meaningless to live for myself. i feel like a zombie.

and my goal to learn to be happy being single is starting to look bleak and unachievable.

the other day i was chatting with a new chatmate on another site, and on first chatting, he started inviting me to his flat. he said he's been too lonely in this strange country for two years now. i declined of course. deleted and blocked him. but it stayed in my mind how being in a strange country drives one outright lonely, and loneliness makes u do lots of mistakes in life. it clouds your judgment, like a pain that you just want to ease away, with just about anything you can get instant relief from.

i'm done with instant relief solutions, so i'm doing my best to bear the pain of loneliness without succumbing, but omg, i'm soooo tired of it.

June 20, 2009
11:29 am
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atalose
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sunshine,

It’s so hard when we don’t know how to get out of our way. But it appears you are understanding that instant relief solutions don’t work. Those kinds of actions on our part usually stem from panic, desperation, fear you name it. When we allow bad feelings and thoughts to guide us we always get guided down the same old path ending up in the same old hurting familiar places.

How about instead of sitting alone in front of a computer screen you get out in the real world and get involved with something. Are there any volunteer opportunities in your area, something that may interest you and get you out of yourself for a period of time?

How about a part time job of sorts? How about any kind of clubs in your area you could join, a walking club, a hobby type club?

I know for me when I got myself involved with things it opened up all kinds of opportunities for me and it was a great healthy way for me to get out of my own way..

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 20, 2009
11:59 am
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sunshine88
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hi atalose, thanks for being here. actually i just finished my professional exam, and didn't make any arrangements with anyone because i thought i would love some free time to just bum around. but i guess, that wasn't helpful. next week, i will start again.

a friend of mine was telling me the other day that all i do in life is coping. she said i spend my entire life trying to cope with life, that i am not really living it.

but i dont really know what she means by that. if i can't cope with life, how on earth can we talk about living it?

June 20, 2009
9:03 pm
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innerturmoil
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Sunshine,
i understand completely, about
how are you supposed to live life if we
cannot even cope with it...
i understand feeling alone, i wouldve left my husband before now, but i am terrified to be alone,
i think you CAn be happy being single.. but i feel like you, like it is pointless to be alone,,
even if i am miserable currently...
im trying to remember..
when did you break up with ur ex,, was it 3 months ago..
you said you are going back to work next week..?
i hope that helps.. i have been out of work for a few yrs and when i had a job i was happier.. somewhat..
i really feel like we are alot alike .. we are on different continents but i feel like i can relate to you...
i guess,, i just wish i could help you more that i am .. i need a good cry myself..i am alone, even in my marriage, i feel alone,,my son is asleep and my h 'went out' for awhile..
i wish i could help u more but i feel so pathetic and worthless, i dont think i could help anyone,,
llas

June 20, 2009
10:16 pm
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chelonia mydas
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((((InnerT and Sunshine)))),

Hey buddies- I'm a single gal- been divorced 2 years living in Mexico (I'm originally from the US). It is possible to be happy alone- I'm doing it now. Its not to say that every day is the best- I have good days and bad, but overall I'm better able to overcome my issues now than even a year ago. What helped me alot is to discover that I'm worthy and accept myself for who I am, not who I wish I were. It also significantly improved my life to figure out what I like doing and do it. Still getting better at that one, but I'm recognizing and evaluating and working toward figuring that out now.

For me I've discovered I like working in the gardens, playing computer games, spending time with my pets, swimming and helping the community with eco-tourism projects. My work keeps me busy, I have a few aquantances and one good friend that lives about 30 miles away in the US.

Its not to say I don't get lonely- but I would rather be lonely and alone than lonely and married/committed to someone. InnerT- I can sooooooo relate to your situation. That was me for the last 7 years of my 10 year marriage. Its is one of the most painful things I have endured in my life and breaking free of it felt like I would die. But once I got through the hard stuff, things got sooo much better.

So girlfriends- hang in there and keep doing the work to find yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. Accept who you are with all your faults and talents. Both of you are amazing people with lives ahead of you that you are already living... just grab hold of the stearing wheel and take control. If you are stuck in the mud, there are lots of us here that will throw you as many ropes as you need and pull with all we have, but you have to crawl out of it too. No one else can do the work for you.

sending lots of hugs, strength and discovery your way 🙂

June 20, 2009
11:08 pm
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atalose
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Trying to cope with life and not really living it.

Could be similar to someone not wanting to go out anywhere until they lose 50 pounds. They don’t go to parties, picnics, dinners, lunches, meet up with friends, go to the beach, go to bbq’s, reunions, weddings…….the list could go on and on. They miss out on so much enjoyment because they feel insecure about themselves. I have a friend like that, she has put on a lot of weight and has become almost recluse besides work she doesn’t go anywhere or see anyone.

Sunshine, maybe that is what your friend means, she see’s you not enjoying life but instead battling through it.

chelonia is right, you can be happy alone, be at peace with yourselves being alone. As a matter of fact if we can’t learn to be happy and content alone then chances are even with someone else we won’t have true or lasing happiness.

I think with breakups all those feelings of fear, feeling pathetic and worthless (no innerturmoil you are not those things) anxiety all come with breakups. It’s how we learn to handle those feelings and for the first time in our lives deal with them in healthy ways.

Keep remembering feelings are NOT facts. Just because we feel a certain way doesn’t mean we are that way.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 21, 2009
8:57 am
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sunshine88
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feelings are not facts, got it.

maybe it's because i've never been married, so i still want it. people who've had it, didn't like it, can go on knowing they've had it, and would not choose it. i belong to a big family, and there's just my sister and me not yet married. whenever we get into family reunions, i see that my brothers are good to their wives. their wives are happy with them. and that's when i get to say to myself, i want that. i do, i want that. and the question nagging me is will i ever have that?

June 21, 2009
10:16 am
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CAMER
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((Sunshine))) i guess i can't add more.

I've been alone, by choice, and its true, it hit me hard, and i survived it. I think the thought of being alone sounds awful, and once you get there, take it day by day hour by hour. It all takes time. Just keep doing lil' things for yourself daily. And yes, keep your self esteem high, know you are a good person, even if you are alone, enjoy the YOU time.

((((sending you bunches of hugs & know you are not alone!!)))

June 21, 2009
12:05 pm
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sunshine88
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thanks chelonia, inner, atalose and camer! thanks for hearing me out, and supporting me. i feel better today. it comes and goes.

i'm keeping notes of the things you guys are saying, and am repeating it to myself like a mantra.

June 21, 2009
12:14 pm
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innerturmoil
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hey Sunshine,
hope you are doing better today,,
Hey Chelonia, thanks for your kind, (and inspiring words)..i didnt know about your situation, thanks for sharing than,,
Sunshine , i know what you mean about seeing couples happy together,, and i wanna say,, All married couples are not happy, and if they Really are ,, then it IS something rare and hard to find,,
you are right not to marry until you find 'Mr.Right' 😉

i realize you said you have never been married, you are still young..
there is time to find the right one for you..
and they are right, you always have friends on this site,,
i agree with all the others, you are a good person, and you need to LOVE yourself..
(((hugs to Sunshine)) and all..

June 21, 2009
2:38 pm
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atalose
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Innerturmoil is right not all married couples are happy. There are a lot of smoke n mirrors going on for many.

Looking back over the years to all those couples I envied it was more the “idea” of my own expectations of what happily ever after was. Some of those couples looked like they presented what I strived for. Again a lot of smoke n mirrors, some of those couples are no longer together, others have faced horrific life challenges and stayed the course together and some continue the façade of “happily married” while cheating and drinking/drugging their way through life.

I presently have a friend who divorced after 20 plus years of living with an alcoholic. She is in desperation mode to “find someone” and keeps getting hurt over and over again.
Her down fall is attention, any attention from a male drives her desires to grasp “happily ever after”. She is now involved with her 2nd attached and unavailable man, she seems to be developing a patter of going after boyfriends and justifying it with the fact that they are not married. She also see’s “what everyone else has and wants it for herself”.
What’s she is not accepting is the fact that these men who chat with her on the phone and when their girlfriends are not around are certainly not the “prince charming” she is seeking.

She gets angry with me when I point out, if you end up with one of these guys what’s to stop them from chatting with another woman once you have secured “a relationship” with them?

Desperation drive all of us, yes me included into grasping at straws when seeking what we perceive as “happily ever after”.

Getting ourselves healthy and in a place where we know the difference between healthy and un-healthy partners to chose from is how we will end up being happy and confident with our relationships.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 22, 2009
5:40 pm
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Lanigirl
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Hey Ms. Sunshine,

Good days and bad days - I so hear you on that. Sending you lots of joy. I have several friends who are asking similar questions about marriage vs. being single. Tricky to figure out what works for you. You know the state of my life so I'm not the best source of advice.

Oh Inner,

I have also felt so completely alone in my marriage. I got teary eyed reading your post here. I think it's great that you're posting here. People have such good things to say that make me think and make me want to do better.

June 22, 2009
6:32 pm
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truthBtold
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The awful, nasty bottom-line truth is really that we are born alone (once that cord is cut...) and well, pretty much, when our time comes - die alone.

Bottom line.

Anything above and beyone that is gravy, in my estimation.

Be lucky enough to hook up with someone else in the meantime in which you share common goals and similarities of character and values - (be it thru a mate and/or a few close friends...) just extra stuff, IMHO.

Sorry so somber - just basically true, I suspect.

June 22, 2009
7:21 pm
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innerturmoil
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hey,
hi Sunshine, how are you today?
Lani, thank you sooo much for understanding! 🙂
are you still married? forgive me if youve said already...
my memory is not all there most of the time..
anyway,,
hey, truthB.. don't we get married so we will NOT be alone in this messed up world?
i thought that was one main purpose of getting married....
Lani,,
thanks again,, I wanna know more of your story,,
((inner))

June 22, 2009
7:55 pm
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truthBtold
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"hey, truthB.. don't we get married so we will NOT be alone in this messed up world? i thought that was one main purpose of getting married...."

I actually never, ever really looked at it quite that way, to be honest with you.

When I fell in love and married it wasn't because I didn't want to be alone in this messed up world....but rather that I thought I had actually found my 'soulmate.'

Little did I know that he could never 'fill the gap' of what I lacked, only then - I just didn't know that I lacked - all I knew and eventually figured out was that I didn't have a good role model to show me what to naturally expect along these lines........

June 23, 2009
8:07 am
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innerturmoil
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Hey,
Lani,
sorry,, if feel LD now.. i remember ur thread,, about your 'bad habit' and all that now,, i need to work on my memory skills..
and TruthB.. i never really 'fell madly in love' with my h...
i just knew we got along really well and he was a really good guy-- he still is a good guy.. we just messed up alot of things along the way,,
and i know what ur talking about about 'fill the gap' ..
i am a christian,,(i know that is not on these threads).. but we have been out of church for too long.. i think that is 1/2 the problem.. but he acts like he doesnt wanna go..
maybe i should go by myself some and then take our son.. maybe he'll go then,,
thanks..

June 23, 2009
8:56 am
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sunshine88
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hey ladies, big hugs to each one of you!

thanks for sharing all your insights and stories. i know it tends to look messed up either you're single or married.

i agree with atalose and tbt, that we need to be complete on our own, and being with a man, or getting married to one, does not complete us. i am not really thinking about marriage because i'm afraid to be alone. i'm more of seeking to have a family, to have a life where i can give and share love.

my parents did not have the best of marriage. i know very well that married couples tend to be not happy most of the times. i dont have fairy tale images of them at all, coming from an emotionally disturbing childhood and adolescence.

but i still want to be believe that there can be a good family. i've lived with my brother and his family. they are not perfect, but they are wonderful as a family. they are together in whatever each member does. although i live apart from them now, i still stay with them during weekends, and i can see that they do have a peaceful loving home. it's not a fantasy. it can happen. and that's what i'm thinking of having.

not to be married to avoid being single, but to be married and have a wonderful family, and raise wonderful kids. inspite of my fear of pain in relationships, and brokenheartedness, that's a dream for me these days. until something really bad happens to me that will make me swear it off completely, i think it's a noble dream to have.

just because people who came from bad marriages found themselves in a better life after marriage does not mean that a good marriage is not possible for those who've never been married, does it? i dont know if i'm making sense at all!

well, just sharing my thoughts. however stupid they might be, and naive it might sound. i hope you dont mind, guys.

hey lanigirl and inner and camer, thanks for being here. sorry lani and inner, it's hard for me to say anything about ur situation, because i've never been married 😛 so i'm just gonna stretch out my arms, and big you power hugs, lol.

June 23, 2009
11:50 am
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innerturmoil
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hey,
Sunshine, and everyone,
sunshine, you do make sense,,
i think you are right and i really get what you are saying 🙂

I think i just might have gotten married (7 yrs ago) to avoid being single,,

Sunshine, i think you are very smart and you Will find the right one to have your dream with... 🙂
thank you for the hugs..
--right back at'cha-- quote from Ellen DeGeneres

June 23, 2009
12:54 pm
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Zebra
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Sunshine 88,

You are doing fine. We all have bad and good days and loney days and sad days and happy days.

I have been on my own for a little over a year now and I am just now getting comfortable with being alone and feeling lonely and discovering me. It really isn't so bad and maybe someday someone will be my partner, but I know I am not ready for a full blown relationship.

I am currently starting to see an old friend, but it will be a very slow process and take a natural course because that is the way I want it to be.

You are loved here my friend. Hang in there and be strong and LOVE YOU.

Love, Z

June 23, 2009
1:46 pm
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atalose
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{{ just because people who came from bad marriages found themselves in a better life after marriage does not mean that a good marriage is not possible for those who've never been married, does it? i dont know if i'm making sense at all!}}

Of course not, I believe when we know better we do better. Also experiencing a bad marriage or a bad relationship helps us see and learn WHAT WE DON’T want in life.

Achieving a happy relationship/marriage and having a loving peaceful home is not a fantasy when we find the “right” people who can share those dreams with us.

Knowingly getting into a relationship with an alcoholic or drug abuser or an emotionally un-available person, a commitment phobic etc. etc. is never going to bring our dreams/fantasy of a peaceful home and happy marriage/relationship to life.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 23, 2009
2:17 pm
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Zebra
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atalose,

I agree that just because one has a bad relationship/marriage does not mean there are not good ones out there. I beleive that one can have that, once they have discovered themselfs, solved or at least work on their issues and make better choices of people.

Love, Z

June 23, 2009
3:49 pm
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sunshine88
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i see very well what you mean, atalose and z. work on my issues first. make better choice of men, or none at all. no settling. got it. taking them to heart, with all gratefulness.

lov u all! 🙂 hugs

June 23, 2009
4:02 pm
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Zebra
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Good job on being perspetive of our words and honest with yourself.

Love you, Z

June 23, 2009
4:19 pm
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atalose
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((Sunshine88))

YES…..that is the healthy way to approach life and when we become healthy we attract other healthy people into our lives.

I am so glad you have stuck around and are learning new ways to approach life.

((hug))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 24, 2009
12:38 pm
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Anam Cara
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sunshine I know about this lonely feeling - it can at times fully consume your soul. Darkness decends and the feeling of how can this one day improve. We have an old saying here ' You cannot see the wood for the trees'.

Being alone is however an opportunity to advance out into the world and take on all newcomers - you are not a double dealer - you are you. Make your life interesting to others.

Why not join a camera class and get into a group interest of some kind. Whatever you want to pursue and never have - go for it. The world hates those who hide from them - put yourself about as I did eventually and I racked in sheer gold as a partner who was herself; like you soooo lonely.

Hugs. AC

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