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It's so hard..someone help me through this!
December 9, 2001
10:12 pm
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cyndy
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I'm posting on here because although my situation seems like it happens all the time and i should be able to get over it, I just can't and I feel like i'm slowly killing my emotions and happiness everyday i let it go on.

My boyfriend cheated on me 4 months ago, And it's still killing me. Thoughts of it still bother me almost as much as they did when i first found out. See I took him back w weeks after I found out -when he said he would change, but he hasn't. We had a very difficult long distance relationship before, and i had been going through depression even before i met him, since him though it was just downhill.

I have tried telling him I'd move in with him if he got a place but After all this time he hasn't. I'm 19.. he's 26 and has no job whatsoever and lives at home, he doesn't seem to want us to live together, yet he says he can't come here to see me anymore because of the long distance. He talks of living together, But i'm so afraid of losing him while I'm away from him.. I usually just tell him it's over before any progress is made. Still I come back to him though because he makes so many promises and appolagies.

At first he seemed to want to stick to his promises but no tells me i either deal with things his way or i can break up with him. He spends so much time with a best friend that has caused so many problems in our relationship. All signs point to him not caring for me but when i call him and beg for him to come see me or pick me up he always does. He claims it's because he loves me. But if he did would i be so unhappy?

I Went back to him because I was too weak not to. I wasn't ready to end things so soon..there was so much love I wanted to show him still. I feel like i'm fighting for someone who doesn't want to be faught for, he tells me i should be over things by now.. and when i cry about what he's done he says i enjoy to cry.. I am just letting out extra enegy. BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE. I am hurting because he was with another woman, because he seemed sorry before but now isn't. I'm hurt because I know i deserve better but can't seem to leave him. I'm hurt because he was my first love and left me for someone he hardly knew, but now tells me that we werent together anyway.. So what he did was not really all that bad. I would leave him if My guilt and Love for him didn't get in the way.. see i'm scared because What if i'm leaving my soul mate or true love? What if i regret that forever and he really is going to change? I'll never know..

So i'm scared of that. Just some random thoughts.. I hope i don't sound too childish.

December 10, 2001
1:19 am
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suzyblue
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When you are young your heart is fresh and unscared by the experience of past hurts. I think love hurts more when you are young. When you are older you know you can get over him because you have gotten over men before. This is your first love and you don't have that experience of knowing you can do it so it is even more frightening. So enough of the lack of experience tirade. You can't change people, you can only change yourself. Something you have done quite a bit. You want him to spend time with you and you value it, but he doesn't so you have changed and do the "beg" thing. You need to be careful how you are willing to change, and what you are comfortable accepting in a mate. Set your standards of how you will tolerate being treated and men will either meet the bar or move on. The more respect you expect the more you will get. Men will do whatever they can get away with...even infidelity in your case. He feels and you have proven to him that he can do anything to you and a few empty promises later you will still be there. Once a man has walked all over you it is next to impossible to draw the line in the sand of how you want to be treated, because he has tramped inside the line for so long it has become his territory. Stand up for yourself. Tell him what you want from him and tell him that if he can't do it ... "next". I bet you will find him doing the dance. You with draw and he'll come to you with smiles and charm. I suggest you leave him and think about how you want to be treated by a man. Write down some characteristics you value in a man and go find someone like that. This time, don't expect or tolerate substandard treatment from the very begining. You will get over him, you will have other painful and terrific experiences with men. The first one is always the hardest.

December 10, 2001
12:17 pm
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gingerleigh
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OK, glad to see other kindly folks have given you the soothing advice, because that's one side of it.

Now for the FUN stuff...

You're 19?!?!?! Darlin', go sow them wild oats!!! You are WAAAYYYY too young to be settling down, much less settling. I don't care if he's prince charming in a white BMW, has a mansion for you to live in, and has read "Codependent No More" and liked it. You are still 19, and entering into the Summah-time of your life!

Go build your brain, your career, your talents. Hell, go build your body and see how many heads you can turn of men who actually have jobs and don't live with their parents.

He's not the one. He's not your soul mate. I'll say it again... HE'S NOT THE ONE. You will meet someone who much more closely fits the bill some day, hopefully not any time soon. Go out and have a good time while you can still enjoy it.

And right now, I'm sure you're reading this going "Yeah, right, whatever Gingerbread, what the hell do you know? How can I possibly go out and have a good time when the love of my life treats me like crap?" Here's how. OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND. NO more phone calls. NO more contact. Take his number off your phone list, block it, delete his email address, no more contact. Do it for 21 days, and I guarantee you will feel better.

Make a list of all the mean things he has ever done to you. Don't put any reasons next to them, just list the facts. Then list the annoying things he does, like the big pus filled zit he had in the middle of his forehead last week, or the way he lisps when he's nervous, or how you saw him pick his nose in the car, or the time he left the toilet seat up and you fell in... keep the list with you, and add to it whenever you remember something. Childish, but trust me it works. Oh yeah, and every other line, put the entry "he cheated on me".

Whenever you feel the urge to call, or see his name pop up, take out the list and read it. This dude is honestly not worth your time.

*BIG HUG OUT TO YOU CYNDY*

December 10, 2001
2:56 pm
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Molly
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Cyndy, Gingerleigh speaks truth, your way to young to get caught in this web of fantasy. You need this guy like you need another nose with a cold in it. Tell him to get a life, grow up, and don't take his calls or e-mails any more. 19 is just not the time especially for a looser like this. Set your standards higher, think future, ya know if your going to put this kind of heart ache into a fellow at least let him be employed, and with his own apt, or for crying out loud, condo!!!! Is this what you picture as the father of your children, your anchor in the storm, your knight in shinning armour, hell he hasn't even left his mommy yet. Get some girl friends, and go dancing.
Above all, keep your knees together.

December 10, 2001
4:27 pm
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cyndy
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Thanks everyone for responding.. And i know it makes perfect sense just to dump this guy and forget i ever knew him, i mean he isn't making me happy. But see I don't love him for his career or where he lives, I always said i loved him for Who he was inside. But even that sounds really dumb lately when he's becomming a really bad person inside. I know all this.. i just get really angry about all he's done, and feel the urge to call him and ask WHY?? WHY did you cheat? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I'm at the point now where I just want to know how to let him go.. But still i'm scared. I know it doesn't sound as if he can be my soul mate, when he's treated me so badly.. But That still doesn't stop that feeling inside of me that just can't let go. I just say..maybe if i give him one more chance he'll Make things better. What I'm saying is..how do i get rid of that little ounce of hope inside me that keeps me hanging on to him and tell it to shut up? Talking to him seems to be the only thing that soothes my pain.

21 days.. oh that will be hell! If only i could tell My urge to call him and Cry to him to go away for 2 days I'd be lucky! Well today Is my first try. But i doubt i can do it 🙁

December 10, 2001
5:33 pm
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artist 2
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I'm on the 15th day and feel like I'm going backwards... Counting the days works though, give it a chance. It truly is like a withdrawal from an addiction - love is an addiction! And, when like alchohol and drugs, it's not good for you, the effort is the payoff! Try hard, and come back here often.

December 10, 2001
5:45 pm
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Molly
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Just like artist suggests its an addiction, no one likes to be cheated on, or rejected, but when we look at someone's lack of character, and wanna go back for more there is something wrong with the picture, you hurt me, and I didn't get enough? Hurt me some more. Its a sick twisted cycle that women buy into. Just keep busy for the next 3 weeks, that is it, only three weeks, you can do it, cold turkey. Just slop all of that pain right here, we will coach you through it. Just remember the more time you put into with this guy the stronger the withdrawl symptoms, so you either sweat it out now, or later, with possibly more emotional scaring. Your choice, your life.

December 10, 2001
6:29 pm
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pvth
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What you've done in the past Dosen't work. True love is just that....second guessing oneself does not fit this catagory. If you love something or someone set it free...... see if he comes back. Stop seeking him out. You don't want to have to chase that true love your whole life. Have confidence. Easier said than done, but without it, you can't expand on your future.
Good Luck, Patti

December 10, 2001
7:45 pm
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gingerleigh
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Grrr grrr grrr... (or whatever sound mother barracuda's make)

grblgrblgrblrgrbl... (that's grr underwater)

December 10, 2001
10:12 pm
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cyndy
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ok I haven't called him.. BUT i did send him an email. I just had to tell him how Much i hate what he's done to me, Will never forgive him. But the difference is i wasn't asking WHY? I told him I have given him enough chances and tries and This time I am leaving him for good.

But i suppose it looses it's effect when i've done this so many times and came back. So my goal For tonight and tommorow is to just NOT call him. I've blocked his emails and although i REALLY want to call and ask why?? I will try so hard not to! Eh artist is right..it IS like an addiction!

So here's my plan.. i'll act like i'm addicted to ciggarettes.. everytime i want one I will do something different, Call a friend or just blast my music til i get over it. Or come here and whine about my problems. Hope you all don't mind ;-/

I hate him I hate him GRRRR!!!! And He makes me feel ugly and unwanted... HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE WHO'S so CRUEL AND SELF ABSORBED????? Bleh.

December 11, 2001
12:36 pm
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gingerleigh
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Good for you, Cyndy. Bleh is right!!!

December 11, 2001
1:47 pm
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Molly
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Ahhaaaaaaaaaa see, he knows what he can do, like you said, you have stated all those things before, and melted. But this time, we got him, blocking your e-mail is great. But be prepared for him to call you, got caller id ? Let your answering machine pick up the calls. See you have busted his game, he has been playing you, and opps, you have changed the rules of HIS game, won't he be surprised!!!!!!!
You have the right idea, calling over girl friends, positive substitutions, all its gonna take is 21 days, but don't you dare answer the phone, and if he comes to the door play possium, do not look at him, just think of him as a bad drug. He is toxic to your well being, and you need to make him as sickening as you possibly can, that mental image , that taste that makes you want to spit, start to write so you can remember why your not going to call him, or e-mail him again. We are so proud of you, this is a great time, to do it, and be a real woman, that draws boundry lines, that demands what she is worthy of, that won't take any crap just because he is a man. This pain that you are going through right now, may infact save you a life time of hell. that is what we want you to get. Some of us women made the mistake of continuing the game when we were your age, and didn't get these lessons, or insights till we were in our 40's and with kids, and financially strapped, going he cheated on me in 84, then 92, ugh then in 99, ugh ugh and I forgave him because I loved him, how could he do this to me, ........... So be smart think ahead and be greatful that you are young and strong. But don't you dare call him.
gurgle, gurrrrrrrrr mother barracuda here.

December 11, 2001
2:23 pm
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artist 2
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Okay, so as the days pass, measure less of this energy going to him. Less of it goes toward this tomorrow, and so on... As the scales begin to tip, more of your energy goes into... hmmm. let's see: a brand new trip to Cancun for you, a new pair of panties, take your car down to the carwash to get it detailed!

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