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It's over now.
December 20, 2004
10:10 am
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SadMike
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Hey guys. I'm sorry I've not posted or said much lately. Things have just been bad in my life. My wife up and left. She, after telling me she wouldn't go back to this other guy she had had an affair with over a year ago, decided to call him up and they've been busy starting a new life together.

He's been spending every weekend with her and just this past Saturday, she and him went to the movies; something that we greatly enjoyed as a couple.

I'm so sad and so heartbroken right now. I've been calling some attorneys and trying to get things in order for divorce. I just can't believe this is happening. We've been married for more than 9 years!

All she's doing is running away from problems like she's always done. She didn't move out on her own. She moved in with some other "friends" that tell her what she wants to hear, not what she needs to hear. Living a life that involves lots of alcohol, some drugs, and of course, her relationship with this guy is based on no more than sex. And he obviously cannot trust her to be faithful to him. How can he trust someone that cheated on her husband?

It's been a month now since she moved out. I just can't believe that all of this is happening to me. Yesterday, Sunday, I tried to start packing her stuff away and collecting the items that I wanted saved from our lives together. I became so unglued and distraught crying like a baby; I had to leave the house for the rest of the day. I didn't realize how painful and hard all of this really is.

I still love her a great deal. She's been my life for a very long time now and I don't want to lose her, but I realize that I already have lost her. She wants some other guy and some other life. The life she is leading will not lead to happiness. However, I hope she finds what she's looking for.

Regardless of all the things that she's done to me and all the heartache, anguish, manipulation and the like that has occurred, I don't have any ill will towards her nor do I have any resentments (well, maybe a little). I really do hope she finds a measure of peace and happiness in her life and comes to her senses and realizes that what she's doing will have serious ramifications throughout her entire life.

So, I'm having a great deal of difficulty dealing with all of this and I'm very, very sad; well I'm a great many things emotionally.

Thanks for reading.

December 20, 2004
10:24 am
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ladyvirgo
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Sad Mike, the sadness really does come through in your 'post'.

You seem to be pretty clear about things, but I wonder at this stage, why you are so generous in thought to her. Aren't you angry and feeling betrayed?

I'm sure you will get through this, and she may very well live to regret it, but right now, be kind to yourself every day..... Think of your needs first....

December 20, 2004
10:31 am
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loving
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I agree! It's good for YOU not to feel bitter etc but anger is all a part of the grieving process so you can move on. Still, you need to feel generous to yourself as well now and spend some time thinking and doing things that give you pleasure - spoil yourself a little, love yourself and nurture yourself a little so you'll get stronger then, when you're ready you'll be over it and ready to give your love, time etc to someone who deserves and appreciates you more. It will happen and your friends,family etc will help you along the way - and your support on this site so keep talking when you need to.

December 20, 2004
10:49 am
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SadMike
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Oh, yes I'm angry. I'm very angry. Don't get me wrong. I just realize that the more I hold on to that anger and not release it, the more I will be bitter towards her and what will that accomplish me?

She had no right to do those things to me. She had no right what so ever.

December 20, 2004
11:44 am
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lucyndesi
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Dear Mike, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I too, I am going through a break up as well(6 yrs). I am trying not to hold onto the anger either..But, sometimes at least for me the anger seems to let me not miss him so much..I have no words to heal your pain mike, but, know that by coming here you are not alone!! I wish for us right now some inner peace & strength..always..lucy

December 20, 2004
11:54 am
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SadMike
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Thank you lucy. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this too.

It comes in waves on me. I'm angry sometimes and I'm sad sometimes and other times I wonder if there's something wrong with me because I don't seem to feel very much.

I listened to a tape, last night, that someone had given me, of a lecture, on "Surviving Divorce." It was very informative and he stated that the way you can come out a whole person on the other side is to be in the pain. Stay in the pain. Feel the anger and the resentment and the deep sadness when the time comes. He said it's those that don't feel those things and that try to repress their emotions that will have the problems later on.

December 20, 2004
11:54 am
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workinonit
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SMike, I'm sorry for your loss. No words can heal right now. Just be strong and keep allowing yourself to feel as you seem to be doing.

It sounds like she has an addictive personality and if that is so, it's unfortunate. Until she realizes her addictive nature she will alwys betray anyone close to her, including herself.

Keep up the good work Mike and stay focused on what can help you through. Look for an alanon group. They are very supportive for families of alcoholics and addicts.

December 20, 2004
1:07 pm
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Anonymous
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Mike, this is a hard time to be dealing with this as well considering it is the holiday season. Do you have family or friends close by for you? I know how much it must hurt knowing she is with another man and so quickly, and it makes you wonder how could that person have really cared. What is comes down to is that you are working through this and I would be angry too, look at some of the threads I've posted. I hope that this gets better for you.

December 20, 2004
1:43 pm
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KathyinPain
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SadMike,

(((((Hugs)))))

I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. You've read enough of my posts to know that I really do know what you're going through, as it's happening to me, after 8 years of marriage.

I'm glad you are feeling some anger, because it's a real emotion and you should be angry at her and her actions. I am very angry with my husband. I hate what he's done to me, hate his actions, his incredibly self-centered choices. But I don't hate HIM. I pity him, truly.

I pity him because he is not a whole person, he is simply driven by his sexual desires and thinks that's the way for him to be "happy." We know, however, that happiness in this fashion is temporary, so fleeting. And he (and your wife and everyone like them) will wonder, in the fullness of time, just why is it they have no true, close relationships with anyone, why is it they are so lonely, even if they have a crowd of so-called "friends" around them. It is so sad, for them.

I'm praying for you, Mike. Take it a day at a time, even a moment at a time, if that's what it takes. I'm taking things the exact same way.

You are not alone - never forget that!

Kathy

December 20, 2004
3:29 pm
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SadMike
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Kathy,

Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. We've been married 9 years. We dated one another for almost 2 years before we were married.

It seems that my wife could just not be happy with what she had. I had given her so much of myself. And all I ended up with was being used to facilitate her affairs. No, the guy she is with now, is not her first affair. But she will pay the price and he will pay the price.

Yes, you are right. She's heaped many "friends" upon herself that tell her what she wants to hear: that what she is doing is right and good. But it will all come back to her and those "friends" will leave her as she has left me.

She had a real close relationship, at one time, with me. We were very close. We talked and communicated about everything, but now, that's gone too.

I do feel so much right now - anger, sorrow, resentment, fear, abandonment, jealousy, and just overall crazy feelings. But it's nice to know I have a lot of people on here that are will to read and post back.

I have lots of family and everyone has been so supportive. The ironic thing is that my mother-in-law and her husband (not my wife's father, he died in 2000) have been very supportive. If it had not been for them, I don't think that I could have made it this far. I thank God for them.

December 20, 2004
4:04 pm
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anyalissa
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mike, i am so sorry you are hurting. i wish there was something we could do for each other to help cushion the blow. somehow, make small goals for yourself, small attainable goals (even things like today i will pay the bills....today i will go to the gym,) and then after that allow yourself to feel all your emotions. i agree with what the others said. the more you feel the easier the recovery will be. dont fight your feelings. pray, too, and beleive that all things somehow fit into God's plan.
take care,
anyalissa

December 20, 2004
4:06 pm
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lucyndesi
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Dear MIke, I'm glad that you have alot of family right now cuz, that support is very important..I don't believe that GOD gives us more than we can handle..This too shall pass...I hold onto that when it hurts real bad..What doesn't kill us strengthens us....But, for me mike, what truly has helped me is baby steps..I face each day & not try to to think of myself w/out for my life but, just for today only..Also, I have had not contact at all w/him 7 that really makes a difference. It has enabled me to detach alittle at time...I gotta go but, my thoughts are with you today...Remember keep posting..it helps. 😉 lucy

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