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It's Over But He Won't Admit It...
May 22, 2006
4:15 pm
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Jude
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My husband is back in counseling for the third time in four years regarding our marriage. We went as a couple in 2002 and then again in 2005. I've done all I can and wouldn't go back with him this year.

He says that he "can't be the person that he was all those years that we've been married" (coming up on 13 years). All I've asked him this time is to "show me who you are..." So far there hasn't been any attempt to show me any reason why I should stay with him any longer.

"There are things that I want to do before I'm 70," he says. What are they? He doesn't know or won't tell me.

My mother wants to plan a December holiday visit (she visits every year). I asked him if he was going to be around and he said "yes." I told him that I wouldn't expose her to any weirdness but he said that he'd act fine during her visit. Now that REALLY annoys me. That's what he says has been the problem all along--he "acts" like he thinks he should be instead of being who he is.

I don't think the counseling is helping at all. Maybe it's time to throw in the towel on this one.

Thanks for listening--I guess I'm just venting.

May 22, 2006
4:25 pm
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Rasputin
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Jude - Don't give up no matter how difficult it looks. I have never been married b4, but I know every marriage will experience a crisis at some point.

No, do not throw in the towel on your marriage.

There is a good book entitled: Making marriage works by Joyce Meyer.

I hope that helps!

Blessings, Ras~

May 23, 2006
1:32 pm
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gingerleigh
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Jude, do you have children together? Things get a lot more complicated once children are involved.

What about you? Your husband seems to be struggling with understanding his own goals, hopes and dreams. What are yours, and how does your husband tie (or not) into them?

May 23, 2006
3:31 pm
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Jude
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No, we don't have any children together (thank goodness at this point).

I think at this point, I'd like to know if I'm married or not and who my husband is. Since he says that he's been doing what he thinks he's supposed to do (and it makes him so unhappy that he steps outside the marriage), I just don't know who he is and he won't show me.

I guess it's all a matter of trust now. Is what he tells me really the truth or just what he thinks I want to hear. How unfair is that!

If the marriage is over for him then he's a coward for not saying so. Since I packed to move out in 2002 I told him that it was his turn to pack this time.

May 23, 2006
4:13 pm
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revelation
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Jude,

Hi there...I never married, but I had a 2.5 year relationship with someone very similar. Someone who actually didn't have a personality, he just took on whatever persona he felt people wanted him to have. Its a terrible situation to be in because you never know where you are with a person like this...you NEVER know the truth...and its sickening. I hated it...it stressed me out and drove me crazy...I can only imagine what would have happened if I had stayed with him. Remember one thing Jude this is HIS issue not your, you are not the one with the problem. I don't know what the solution is...I know that my ex needs serious psychiatric help...for him truth equals telling people what you want them to hear. Its extremely damaging for anyone around a person like this. My advice would be to ask him to get one-to-one therapy....marriage counselling is not what you need here.

Rev.

May 23, 2006
4:28 pm
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taj64
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I believe every relationship is different. You have to do what is right for you. And he has to do what is right for him. I guess the only possible advice that I can give would be to allow a little more time on this while you are confused since you are not sure. It is better to make a decision when you are not so emotional and confused.

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