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It's over and I am hurting. Spent the night at my friends house... Feelinglost
April 12, 2007
11:16 am
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Anonymous
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Hi everyone, Thanks for checking on me. I actually didn't even cray at all yesterday, maybe because I have cried so much during the relationship. I do miss him but I guess that is natural. I went last night with my girlfriend and we got manicure, pedicures, and went to dinner.

April 12, 2007
12:51 pm
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I think that maybe it hasn't set in yet?? I haven't moved everything yet.

Taj & Nappy- I know I have been especially challenging to you two but thanks for sticking by me šŸ™‚

2shy, I am going to go buy that book at lunch time to read. I was reading men who can not commit and it was like reading about my relationship with the bf, well I guess he is the ex now.

lettingo, That is so true, last time I dealt with my grief and he was out partying. By the time I was done healing six months later, he was just beginning the process.

Atalose, that is true about night time because I would always spend a lot of time making nice dinners for us. But in retrospect he never got home until after 9pm anyway so I was alone most of the evening but I guess just knowing someone was coming home. Last time we broke up I was living alone and this time I have my girlfriend there for me. Maybe my house being unavailable for a year was a blessing in disguise.

April 12, 2007
1:32 pm
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atalose
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I'm sure having a good friend around is the best thing for you right now. Sounds like you both had a good time last night pampering yourselves, that's great.

Have you attempted to contact him or has he attempted to contact you? just curious...

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 12, 2007
1:34 pm
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taj64
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Thanks for letting me know how you are doing. I think it is great, you seem to be doing ok. When i read about you cooking him a nice dinner every night and you know he doesn't even roll in until after 9:00 and you don't spend much time, this makes me angry for you because he sounds like he does everything around himself. It bugs me because I think it is really special you go out of your way like this and it really is not appreciated enough. One of these days, someone will appreciate it as long as you recognize the person that will and stick with them.

The reason I stay on you or harder if you will is because I feel I have been there. I said a lot of things more so that you think and mostly because sometimes a person can be blinded what is in front of them and the outsider can see exactly what is happening. Really I don't like to see you suffer. I can see that you are not truly suffering anymore. And with saying that, it is worth the effort and extra mile to see you get out of a bad spot.

I think in even more time, you will really understand how bad this was for you and how you needed to get out. It takes getting out of the situation to see that though.

You are doing fine, and I am glad of it.

I think you are taking care of yourself. Keep doing things and pamper yourself. You could not do this with him. YOu can now. And I think you will enjoy yourself and get to know yourself. And for once you will start having some fun in your life.

I am so proud of you and I am so tickled.

April 13, 2007
10:32 am
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UH OH! BACKSLIDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

April 13, 2007
10:45 am
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nappy
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What do you mean?
Nappy!

April 13, 2007
11:27 am
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atalose
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Stop yourself right now!! Learn to control your impulses and emotions before they make you do something you are only going to regret...

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 13, 2007
2:49 pm
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taj64
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Yep. Usually when you don't say much that is when you are with the guy. Pretty sure anyway.

Sigh. You are only going to get hurt if you keep going back there.

I wish you luck though whatever you do in life.

April 13, 2007
3:22 pm
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danielle7373
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Don't backslide! It sounded like you were doing so well.

Staying strong is more difficult than sliding back into what is comfortable, but the chances that you will just hurt again are much higher if you keep going back to him.

Good luck!

April 13, 2007
4:43 pm
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nappy
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Well before I make a comment, you already know what you are doing and you don't need anyone else here to keep telling you what is right or wrong.
You are a big girl and I feel that you have enough information on this site that you have been seeking so that when and if it happen again, you don't have to start another thread up seeking for the same advise that has been given to you.
You haven't even given your self a chance to see what life has in store for you.
Please come back here with something positive because you had a lot of people here on this site that was willing to help you through your pain, even though they have heard it so many times before and now look what happen.
I wish that I had something really to say to you but...............
Nappy!

April 14, 2007
9:16 am
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taj64
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I agree with Nappy.

It is rather redundant to keep reading the same threads created over and over by you about how hurt you are and how devastated you are. Not that you are not welcome to do this, not that you need to talk because you do. You really have not even tried so hard. It is so true that you seem to be seeking help time and time again yet really you take a small step only to consistently slide back to the problem - your boyfriend. You are old enough now, mature adult. If you don't stop this insanity now, it will carry you on the rest of your life in how you pick your relationships. Believe me this relationships is going to end and end badly and it will have to be forced to end. I realize when you do come back and if it will be a new crowd that might be there to help you but really they will be giving out the same advice. This guy is never going to love you enough. You are so attached and clinging on for dear life to him and he doesn't want it. If you ever want to get married and have children, he is not going to be able to step up to the plate. He is not a good boyfriend and he will definatley not make a good husband. Throughout this relationship he has consistently talke around you, never to you and you insist on bedding with him thinking that he must love you. Please wake up to the fact that you spend many a night making a dinner for two and he is out, never thre to eat it. Quit living as if you are married but having the guy out searching for other women. Stop having one side conversations with him talking about one thing and you talking about the relatinship. It is clear from conversations that he is not into you. ANd you are too much into him. Get some help. Go back to Jessica. And get another life cuz this guy will never commit at least not to you. You have a nice family, concentrate on that. Stop pretending and stop the pain. Stop reading every little sign and seeing something that simply is not there and stop trying to make something out of what is not there. Life has plenty to offer, more that you will ever know if you ever get unstuck from this man. Good luck.

April 14, 2007
9:28 am
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balancesekr
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I just wanted to say the advice on this thread is great. I am in the process of trying to follow it myself.

April 14, 2007
9:29 am
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danielle7373
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"Life has plenty to offer, more that you will ever know if you ever get unstuck from this man." - taj64

So true... feelinglost, is this really how you want to live your life? Pain? Confusion? A guy who isn't that into you? A guy who isn't begging you to come back? A guy who isn't calling you? A guy who tells you he doesn't love you?

Focus on yourself for now. Don't talk to him. Someday he may grow up and you may work things out or whatever, but it sounds like you have a lot to work on before you can have a healthy, lasting, secure relationship. There is someone out there who will tell you he loves you and who won't let you walk away.

Take advantage of your single life and do the things you enjoy with your girlfriends. Meet new people.

Don't obsess over him. If you talk to him, you talk to him. Just don't obsess about it and make sure you don't sound desparate if you talk to him. Keep it friendly and light and as infrequent as possible. You need a break from him with no talking.

April 16, 2007
1:26 pm
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April 16, 2007
1:30 pm
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What's going on fl? How are you feeling?????

April 17, 2007
10:06 am
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Hi! I thought my message posted yesterday šŸ™ I was saying that I was sorry I had not posted I just have not felt like talking.

I have been at my friend house for over a week and it has been hard but good all at the same time.I am trying to work on me, get myself involved and basically get a life that does not revolve around HIM.

Thanks to everyone for continuing to write. I come on everyday to see what was posted but some times I just don't have it in me to open up.

His Mom has been calling me and I returned her call finally because she has been good to me. She basically told me that if I wanted a puppy I could have one when I am ready. She breeds shitzu's. He decided that both of our dogs were his. I love them but I just don't have the fight left in me to fight that battle. His mom also said that she told him that I was a keeper and losing me would be a huge mistake. I told her he said he was not ready ect. and she said that he will never be ready and I deserve more.

April 17, 2007
11:36 am
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taj64
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You told his mom that he was not ready? WHy would you tell her this? I think his mom in all fairness and if she is this close to you the way you describe, she could have told you a long time ago that he will never be ready. I think you are still in denial. I would accept this loss and move on. I think you need to think of it towards him losing you would be a mistake and realize you made a mistake in choosing a man who is incapable of loving and you realize that this loss is not his, but that you have everything more to gain by ditching this guy. Stop being hopeful. It is still showing, which means you are still denying that this is over. My suggestion though you seem to be attached to his mother as well, that you need to detach yourself completely. She sounds like since she knows that her son is not capable of a partner that she was also being selfish as much as her son, in that you took a lot of care of a man who had nothing to return and she in turn is accepting of her son's behavior. It tells me everyone around you went along with it for a long time and knowing and did nothing. The apple does not fall too far from the trip. It is really sad to see you still being hopeful. You should listen to you like no other time and take that as the truth, that he will never be ready as that is the way he always was. Take care, stay on path you are on now, don't keep sliding to that path of hopefulness cuz hope is still only fantasy.

April 17, 2007
1:30 pm
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(((TAJ))) I guess you are right. but it just hurts so incredibly much to think the person I have loved so much just doesn't feel that way about me.

I know this is minor but I was holding off, I guess being hopeful but I did start changing all of my address and I did tell my friends at work that I moved out.

It really does get better, right?

April 17, 2007
1:44 pm
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lettingo
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feelinglost,
I totally agree with taj64. If you really want to get past this stop having contact even with his mother. Not accepting her calls to protect your emotional well being is not bad. Don't use "she's always been good to me" as an excuse to keep in contact. Having contact with her and discussing "him" is keeping this alive. You keep saying why doens't he love me. Does it really matter? It doesn't make you a less worthly person. From all the stuff you wrote about him, he doesn't sound like he was really all that much. Is it a pride and ego thing? Some people love us and some don't. It isn't personal. Maybe he isn't capable and again, it doesn't really matter. You are doing so well, don't blow it by chit chatting about him to his mother. You will just get pulled back in to the whole thing and you will prolong you healing.

April 17, 2007
2:02 pm
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Letting go,

My ego is deflated so I can honestly say it is not that. In November he was talking about getting married and now look where we are.

I understand what you are saying about his Mom. It is HIS family and I also need to let that go.

I guess it doesn't matter but I want to know what I did wrong, I don't want to make the same mistakes in my next relationship. I want to learn something from this relationship.

April 17, 2007
3:25 pm
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Did he actually ask you to marry him? With a ring etc? Did he ask you personally to marry him? Or did he mention this in a passing manner or that he would like to get married someday. I see many women think that the guy is asking them to marry when really all they are doing is talking about it and sometimes they do it to pacify talk about it. I think in your case, this could be just general talk and not really meaning it as much as you meant it to be. You do need to let go of this attachment. It is not that you did anything wrong. You are blaming yourself. It is just that this guy just cannot love you the way you want it to be. This is not your fault. I think you were too much into him and not enough into yourself. And he was not into you at all and into himself. This relationship would not work out no matter how much you put into it. The next one will be different as you have learned from this one. BUt it will take time. You need to be alone for awhile and learn about yourself before you ever can have another one. IT will take time. Once you are out of this relationship for awhile and feel comfortable with yourself, you will have a better understanding for next time. It will be realized just how bad this guy was to you. You won't love him anymore, in fact, you will end up wondering why you care for him. Only way is time and to get over him.

April 17, 2007
3:50 pm
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lettingo
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Instead of trying to figure out what you did wrong you should be finding out how to never attract another guy like this. In your own words he treated you like crap and now YOU want to know what YOU did wrong? Does that even sound healthy. I'm sorry if I am all worked up but I don't understand why you continue to put him on a pedestal. And you can have a deflated ego and still have an ego. I say that from experience. If I guy rejected me, it wasn't so much that I loved him or had to have him, I just couldn't STAND being rejected. Today, I think oh well, just didnt' work out. That is what dating is all about. People go out, break up, get married get divorced, blah, blah. It just happens. Two people just don't belong together and in some cases nobody is right or wrong.

April 17, 2007
4:23 pm
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danielle7373
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You didn't do anything wrong. He's just not ready and may never be ready. Yes, you loved him, and it does hurt sooooo badly to waste time on someone who doesn't feel the same way.

But you will never feel better about yourself and move on to a better relationship if you keep trying to figure out what you did wrong. Make sure you take care of yourself, and quit thinking about him. He's probably not thinking about you. He's probably not obsessing about you. He's probably not thinking about anything he did wrong. It may hit him someday, but then it's his problem to come to terms with how to be ready for a relationship.

His life is probably still going on, so let yours go on, too.

It sucks to be rejected, but there are worse things that could happen. And in the whole story of your life, it's just a small chapter. Fill your life with happy stuff. It's cheesy and not easy to do, but this guy is not worth obsessing over.

April 17, 2007
4:26 pm
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nappy
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Feeling, I want to know how does it feel being out on your own? I want to know how you are doing. I want to know what exciting plans that you have for yourself. And please, please don't speak about him.
You have took some major steps in your life and you are still talking about him. HIM is gone, HIM is not going to be the man that you want HIM to be.
You also need to let his mother go. I don't care how bad her son is, or what kind of man he is, that is still her son. His mother can not change her son to be the perfect man for some woman and not even for you.

Let it go.................

I really wish that you could see the bright side of letting this man go. He is not the only man out there in this world. You need to get yourself together first so that you can really see why you don't see this man for who he really is.
And please don't go over there to his mother house getting a dog.
Leave the exboyfriend, mother and dog and go on with your life.
You don't need his mother feeling sorry for you because she want and I don't care how long you have been knowing her.
My sons ex- girlfriends use to do that with me, trying to get me to see that they are right and my sons are wrong but you know what?. My sons are who they are, they are grown and I can not change them and this goes with his mother also. There may have been some good ones that came along in my boys life but that is not for me to choose.
I really wish that you can get yourself together and see all the wonderful things that you have in life.
Nappy!

April 17, 2007
5:23 pm
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taj64
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Nappy brought up a good point. It looks like you do really well when you stay focused on yourself and moving on. You appear to be sad and withdrawn (I notice you say very little) when you get drawn back into his life. Do you see how this man controls your moods?

It does hurt to know he doesn't care as much as you do but realize it is not your fault, that you trying so hard with him was your way of trying to convince him to change something that he simply cannot do. Believe me it will all get better. Down the road your heart will be open again and you will meet a guy who will be there for you and will meet your needs and then you will not have to try so hard and it will feel secure. Your life with this boyfriend would bring more pain. You really could not take much more.

I would stay away from the mom and let this go. You cannot be in the middle. Your ex will likely resent you and he will end up treating you more badly. You do not need this anymore; you do not need more pain in your life. Invite joy, not pain. Invite newness in your life. Change is frightening but inevitable and change is good. (something out of who moved my cheese anyway). Live for today and don't dwell on the past.

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